From the "who cares" department...

By: Jamey Codding (jameycodding@bullz-eye.com)

02/18/2003

Codding Home / Sports Channel / Bullz-Eye Home

No baseball, no football, March Madness is weeks away and the NBA playoffs aren't even on the radar... .

Man, does anybody have any extra Zoloft lying around? Depression's creeping in here in Northeast Ohio, along with about 37 feet of snow every other day.

It's the dead zone for sports, as many like to call it, that two-month stretch between the Super Bowl and Opening Day that offers about as much excitement as a Cavs/Nuggets game. I've written about it before and I'll say it once more: I hate this time of year.

Of course, one of the worst aspects of the dead zone is that, with very few noteworthy stories actually hitting the wire right now, fans hungry for some meaty newsflashes are instead forced to choke down bland table scraps, scraps that we sportswriters are forced to serve you because of the lack of any hearty grub in the fridge.

I mean, honestly, would anybody really care about what Phil Mickelson said to the press about Tiger's "inferior equipment" in the middle of a great playoff race in the AL West or NL East?

But that's exactly what we're left with, stories about golf equipment and trade deadlines and a washed-up boxer. Blech!

I wish I could put more on your table but, alas, a chef can only use the ingredients with which he's provided. And since I have a job to do and you're most likely looking to waste a few minutes of your own workday, it's time to start cooking. So without further delay, I present "Tedious Sports Stories," the recent headlines you could really care less about all lined up for your dining displeasure. 

Enjoy!

Tyson Fight Off... No, Wait, It's On
First we heard that he hadn't been to a training session in days. Then we heard he got a large tattoo on the side of his face. Then we heard he had the flu and missed his flight to Memphis. Then his fight with Clifford Etienne was called off. Now we're hearing that the fight is back on.

All this for Mike Tyson?

Everybody hoped that his humiliating loss to Lennox Lewis last summer would mark the end of Tyson's warped career, especially after he delivered the infamous "I may just fade into bolivian" quote after Lennox pummeled him for eight rounds before registering the knockout. No such luck. Instead, determined for some reason to earn a rematch with the champ, Tyson was set to fight Etienne this Saturday before the questions about his health (mental and physical, I'm guessing) arose.

Truthfully, I hope the match goes on as scheduled because apparently Tyson is not in fight shape, which means there's a good chance Etienne will kick the crap out of him.

Maybe, just maybe, Mike Tyson will then fade into bolivian once and for all.

Will Work for Ben-Gay
Speaking of athletes hanging around too long, is anybody interested in signing 97-year-old Rickey Henderson to a minor-league deal? Hello? Anybody... ?

See, most people, when they get rejected a couple dozen times, begin to realize that maybe it's time to move on to something else. But not Rickey. He's been knocking on more doors than a hotel maid this winter, hoping to find someone desperate enough to sign him for the league minimum. In fact, the future Hall-of-Famer recently made an appearance at Oakland's fan festival to try and convince A's GM Billy Beane that he needed a senior citizen with an attitude problem on his roster. "No thanks."

Now, there are reports that Henderson may show up to an open tryout camp with the Rockies. "Okay, let me have all left-handed pitchers here, then all the righties, then let's see the catchers, infielders and outfielders... oh, and everybody with an artificial hip and grandchildren, you can go through that door right there below the big EXIT sign."

Dude, you'll be ushered into Cooperstown on your first ballot, you own more records than Interscope and you're coming off the worst season of your career. It's time to go home.

Warner Named Starter... in February
He's a two-time MVP, he led the Rams to a Super Bowl championship in 2000 and he owns a career QB rating of 98.2.

He's Kurt Warner, and apparently he's the starter in St. Louis again.

After spending much of the 2002 season on the sidelines with various injuries, Warner watched unknown Marc Bulger lead the Rams from virtual elimination to virtual contention from weeks six through 11 , guiding the team to a 5-0 record in his first five career starts. With such an impressive performance, there was talk that Warner and Bulger would battle for the starting job in St. Louis next season, but only if Warner wasn't, believe it or not, cut before camp.

But Rams coach Mike Martz squashed those rumors by saying on a St. Louis television station Sunday that Warner, now fully healthy, was his starter in 2003. "Kurt's our quarterback, and Marc will back him up. They are not competing for the job, per se. I feel very confident with both of them."

Two questions: First, why would Martz go public with this decision in February, and two, why is this "big news"? Warner's got two MVP trophies on his mantel, he's a team leader and, before last season, he was one of the most accurate passers in NFL history. Doesn't the guy deserve a little loyalty? 

Mickelson Bags on Tiger's Equipment
In an interview with Golf Magazine earlier this month, Phil Mickelson said about Tiger Woods, "He hates that I can fly it past him now. He has a faster swing speed than I do, but he has inferior equipment. Tiger is the only player who is good enough to overcome the equipment he's stuck with." Tiger wasn't happy: "Quite frankly, questioning my equipment is foolish. I'm not going to play with anything that is going to hold me back." Nike, who provides Tiger with his equipment, was pissed: "I really question the wisdom of Phil Mickelson calling Tiger Woods out," said Bob Wood, president of Nike golf. "This is a guy who has never beaten Tiger in any significant tournament, and this is what he believes, what he says? That's a laughable assertion."

Last weekend, we got to see firsthand just how "laughable" Lefty's quote was when the two golfers faced off in the Buick Invitational at Torrey Pines, and after the first round Mickelson held a one-stroke advantage over Tiger. It was Woods, though, who held the one-stroke lead after the second round, shooting a 66 to Mickelson's 68, and when the third round ended guess who sat at the top of the leaderboard. Yup, Tiger (-12) and Lefty (-10), which meant the two would be paired together for Sunday's final 18. This was it, Mickelson's chance to back up his "inferior equipment" jab.

Only it was Tiger throwing the punches, methodically working his way to another 68 while Lefty turned in an even 72. I watched much of that final round and yes, Mickelson was longer than Tiger off the tee on several holes... but he also found the cabbage more often than the short stuff. As Tiger, who won the tournament by a smooth four strokes, said following his victory, "He flew it by me a couple of times today, but I hit more fairways. I wasn't trying to pound it out there because I knew the rough was pretty high... . You can hit it 400 yards, but you've still got to make the putts."

Of course, the real story here was that Woods, only a couple months off knee surgery, won so easily in his first tournament of the year. But all we kept hearing about was this pointless equipment feud. Hopefully Mickelson, who now stands at 25-68-3 all time in head-to-head matches with Tiger, will keep his mouth shut and instead focus on winning that elusive Major title.

Jeter vs. The Boss
First we had Tiger vs. Lefty and then we get bombarded with Derek Jeter vs. George Steinbrenner. Well-known for his notorious "motivational" tactics of simply criticizing his players, coaches and other team personnel, Steinbrenner this time pointed his complaints at his All-Star shortstop, saying, "When I read in the paper that [Jeter is] out until 3:00 am in New York City going to a birthday party, I won't lie. That doesn't sit well with me."

Jeter shot back: "I don't think that's fair. I have no problems with people criticizing how I play. But it bothers me when people question my work ethic. That's when you're talking about my integrity. I take a lot of pride in how hard I work. I work extremely hard in the offseason. I work extremely hard during the season to win. My priorities are straight."

I love it -- the Yankees go two years without winning the World Series and suddenly, Steinbrenner thinks he has to call out his team leader to rally the troops. My hatred for everything Yankees is well documented, but even I think targeting Jeter is just a bad move. What's next, George goes after Torre... ?

Oh wait, he did that too. "Joe is the greatest friend I've ever had as a manager. I don't want to destroy that, but I will tell you this: I want his whole staff to understand that they have got to do better this year. I just want his coaches to understand that just being a friend of Joe Torre's is not enough. They've got to produce for him."

Why not Sterling Hitchcock? Or Nick Johnson? What about Raul Mondesi and Rondell White? Seems like those guys need a kick in the pants more so than Jeter and Torre.

All Talk, No Action: The NBA Trade Deadline
Hey, did you hear that Gary Payton is going to be traded before the NBA's trade deadline? Yeah, and Latrell Sprewell's going to be dealt too. So are Wally Szczerbiak, Mike Miller, Grant Hill, Keith Van Horn, Andre Miller, Pau Gasol, Shareef Abdur-Rahim, Jason Terry, Theo Ratliff, Kurt Thomas, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Darius Miles, Tyrone Hill, Jamal Crawford, Derrick Coleman, Austin Croshere, Marcus Camby, Robert Horry, Danny Fortson, Elden Campbell, Drew Gooden, Michael Olowokandi, Raef LaFrentz, Bonzi Wells, Erick Dampier, the injured Terrell Brandon, the sick Alonzo Mourning and even the retired Hakeem Olajuwon.

Unless, of course, they're not traded.

I think I listed just about everybody in the NBA aside from Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, Tracy McGrady, Shaquille O'Neal, Dirk Nowitzki, Yao Ming, Steve Francis and Tim Duncan. Apparently everybody else is on the block, though, including Vince Carter.

Every year, we're fed a glut of names that have been mentioned in trade talks when the deadline approaches, and every year 99.9% of those names never cross the league's transactions report.

Here's an idea: Let's stop reporting every single mindless rumor we hear or read about on TV, radio, newspapers, magazines and bathroom stalls and just wait until the deadline passes to see who was dealt. Sounds simple, yet it's surprisingly effective.

************** 

So there they are, six "Tedious Sports Stories" for you to pick at while you wait for the sports buffet that rolls around every March and April. Until then, of course, we're left with stories about Jose Canseco violating the terms of his probation, Jon Gruden auctioning off his 2002 Mercedes S500 on eBay, and Tiger Woods' caddie signing an endorsement deal with Valvoline.

Man, I can't wait to gorge myself on the tourney and Opening Day.

In the Bullz-Eye

Major League Baseball. It was discovered Tuesday that Baltimore pitcher Steve Bechler, who died Monday following a heatstroke, had been taking Xenadrine, a weight-loss drug that contains ephedrine. The NCAA, NFL and International Olympic Committee have all banned ephedrine in recent years because of its links to heatstroke and heart trouble. Looks like Bud should be following suit.

Questions/comments? Send all e-mails to jcodding@bullz-eye.com.