Bullz-Eye's Sexiest Album Covers
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We realize this is not the most original idea in the world. In fact, okay, just
about every men’s magazine on the planet, along with a few enterprising
individuals on the Web, have assembled lists of the sexiest album covers of all
time. But with each passing year comes new candidates for the throne, and as it
turns out, our #5 album is only a few months old. The timing, therefore, seemed
right to strike, again.
We asked various members of the BE staff, from our staple of music writers to
movie critics and even BE Grand Poobah Gerardo, to assemble a list of their 10
favorites. We then assigned points based on their ranking (10 points for a #1,
nine for a #2, etc.), and the following 10 albums were the winners. In truth,
this contest was a blowout; nothing came even close to challenging our Number
One pick. We think you’ll agree. And as always, if you've got any questions, suggestions or
complaints,
drop us a line.
It isn’t as though the models weren’t
sufficiently striking to begin with...but, no, they had to go the extra
mile and strip down to their dainty underthings, which were all but
translucent. To make matters worse, one cheekily placed her hands upon
her bosoms, while the other...well, there’s no delicate way to say this:
she’s got a hand strategically placed atop the, erm, grandest of all
canyons. Fortunately, we critics are a hardy breed, and some of us
actually took the time to listen to the music contained within that
dirty, dirty sleeve...and, as it turned out, it was pretty damned good.
That it should’ve begun with a song called “The Thrill of It All” was
certainly appropriate, as was including a track that declared, “All I
Want Is You”; yes, the album is, as Bryan Ferry sings on the
next-to-last track, “A Really Good Time.” But if you never spotted the
cover when you were growing up in the ‘70s (it was originally released
in ’74), well, no surprise here: the US took one look at it and said,
“That’s right out. You can keep the forest, but lose the girls.” The
bastards. ~Will Harris |
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We all love a bad girl every once and a
while, one you definitely wouldn’t bring home to mom and dad. The
tattooed school nurse featured on Blink 182’s paramount album, Enema
of the State, just oozes naughtiness. With porn star Janine filling
in as the cover model, there’s no doubt that most men bought this album
for the fantasy alone. Who wouldn’t fake a terminal illness to get a
check up from this hottie? Oh, and there’s some pretty good music as
well if you manage to make your way past the domineering pose. ~Jason Zingale |
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Ah, just look at that beauty. All those nice
curves just holding back the power embedded deep inside. No, I’m not
talking about the damn car! I’m talking about the flame-haired vixen
totally owning that hood. Alberto Vargas always had a way with women
that made every other man take notice. This was certainly true for his
artwork on Candy-O. Some women complain that the airbrush
completely lies about a woman’s real beauty, but I have to disagree.
Well, in this case, anyway. Supposedly this mama was designed after a
real model, but I’ll be damned if my eyes ever got tired of scoping the
nylon-clad sex machine just fainting all over that car. Can’t say I get
the same feeling looking at “the real thing.” It’s true, sex is all in
the brain, and this is illustrated no better than right here. Hell, I
was into this gal before I was even 10 years old and my older brother
brought home Candy-O when she was brand new. I didn’t give a damn
what the music sounded like. My pre-adolescent fantasies were fulfilled!
Still, “Let’s Go” kills everything on the radio these days. Long after
all the other women on this list are nothing but dead and dust,
Candy-O will still be seducing. For that reason alone, she’s tops in
my book. ~Jason Thompson |
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Stand up and salute the flag! While the
meaning behind the album's title remains unclear, the reason this Black
Crowes' cover offended so many people when it was first released does
not. Even some men who normally applaud all things lewd and crude are
turned off by the short and curlies that are peeking out over the top of
this patriot's bikini bottom. Maybe they prefer the shaved look to her
al natural approach, or maybe they have a problem with Old Glory
covering her glory. But take into account the fact that this is one hell
of a rock album and we say: God bless Amorica. ~Jamey Codding |
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Chocolate & Cheese offers something
substantial both visually and audibly. Considered one of the band’s best
works, it also features a stunning cover shot of model Ashley Savage’s
midriff. When the album originally came out, Dean Ween told anyone who
would listen that Savage was his girl, when in truth, he had never met
the voluptuous vixen. Not much is known about the model, as she
apparently quit the business shortly after the photo shoot, but Ween
fans everywhere still wonder what she looks like. Considering the album
came out 11 years ago, maybe it’s better that she stays in hiding. ~John Paulsen |
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5.
Louis XIV: The Best
Little Secrets are Kept |
Atlantic, 2005 |
Buy |
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There are many, many sexy parts on a woman's
body and one of them is certainly the small of the back. Louis XIV
subtly proves this with their album cover for The Best Little Secrets
are Kept. That little region where a well-toned woman's back meets
the fissure in her buttocks can drive a guy insane. And what better way
to draw attention to the track list of your album than to actually write
it on a beautiful woman's back? Years from now, it may come out that the
model for this cover was actually a man, and many men may stab their
eyes out on that day. But today is not that day. ~Andy Kurtz |
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Ah, the seductive power of the unknown. Is
she spanking herself? Is she inviting you to spank her? Or did she just
throw out her back? And what about that leather glove? Is there more
leather involved in the rest of her outfit? Or does her outfit consist
solely of this one leather glove? Unfortunately for everyone who bought
the US release of
Is This It, this magnificent shot was only available on a later
import release. But don't worry; you can tell your lady friend that
you've got to buy a CD you already own not because of the gloved
temptress pictured on the cover but because the disc also features the
rare and popular "New York City Cops." She won't believe you of course,
but at least you've got an excuse. ~Jamey Codding |
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With the groundbreaking Exile in Guyville
before it, and all the subtleties of tracks like “Fuck and Run,” it’s
hard to say the self-titled Liz Phair is the Chicago nymph’s
sexiest album to date. That is, unless you’re judging the book by its
cover. Yeeowza! Thirty-six years old when the album hit in 2003, Phair’s
penchant for all things sexual is flat-out impossible to disguise. Then
again, who in their right mind would want to hide it? “It’s the fountain
of youth, it’s the meaning of life, so hot so sweet so whet my
appetite,” she swoons on the overly conspicuous “H.W.C.” (which stands
for Hot White…eh, hem…). Any questions, class? ~Red Rocker |
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Could there really be anything sexier than a
Playboy model covered up (barely) by some well-placed dead presidents?
With the Rollins Band’s 2001 release, Nice, model Roxanne Arvizu
is featured on the album’s cover just that way. Nice is supposed
to be the album on which front man Henry Rollins came of age, so to
speak, after turning 40, releasing a really great rock album laced with
groove, funk and overall heaviness. But with an album cover as sexy as
this, who really cares about the music? ~Mike Farley |
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Sugar Ray: Lemonade and Brownies |
Atlantic, 1995 |
Buy |
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Let it not be said that Sugar Ray hasn’t
contributed anything of worth to pop culture. This cover is easily the
best thing to their name, a heart-palpitating shot of Nicole Eggert in a
position that most men would kill to have before them. Of course, leave
it to Sugar Ray to squelch our lustful thoughts by giving the album an
embarrassingly juvenile title that turns this hardcore fantasy shot into
a grade school bathroom joke. A better title would have been, to
paraphrase a Nine Inch Nails song, Something You Will Never Have.
Ah, but it’s a nice dream, though. ~David Medsker |
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