ast month, our list of high-maintenance hotties reminded us that not every woman is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. This month's list proves that conclusively.
Mean girls: we know they're only going to rip our heart to shreds, and yet we still pursue them. Indeed, we often chase them with more vigor than the nice girls, perhaps because of the challenge. They're that rare breed of woman that can actually inspire men to say, "But I can change her!" Of course, we almost never can, but it's amazing what an extreme level of hotness can do to a man's perception of reality.
You can find mean girls in any locale, from a boarding school in New York to a trailer park in California, and in any zip code (though they do seem to be rather prevalent in the 90210 region for some reason), but what's most notable about our 10 selections is the diversity of their professions. You've got a lawyer, a publishing magnate, and…a vampire slayer? Well, when you've got someone who has a bad attitude and a wooden stake always within reach, there aren't many other categories that she can call home. Whether they're stuck in the ‘70s or working as a mole in the Los Angeles Counter Terrorism Unit, the callousness of these women never fails to come shining through, which is why we'd hate them…if they weren't so damned hot.
As ever, we invite you to investigate our 10 "Mean Girls" and compare their combinations of nasty manners and dazzling looks, but after you've determined which one is hot enough to earn your vote, don't forget to come back on August 28th to see who won and to place your vote for the next category, "Fox Force Five."
Mila Kunis, "That '70s Show"
It probably doesn't take a whole lot to get noticed in a state like Wisconsin, but Jackie Burkhart is so desperately starved for attention that it wouldn't really matter where she lived. A rich, spoiled brat who has the good looks and elitist personality to gain entry into the popular crowd, Jackie might seem like the pure embodiment of the classic Carly Simon song, but she's not quite as vain as she lets on. After all, would the school's Snow Queen runner-up really be hanging out with people like Eric Foreman, Donna Pinciotti and Steven Hyde if she was that conceited? Probably not, but that doesn't change the fact that this Midwest valley girl (if there even is such a thing) is still a handful. She can knock you down just as quickly as she can pick you up, but don't think that makes her a feminist like Donna. Jackie is more of a traditional woman – one she herself describes as "a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, and an acrobat in the bedroom." It's no wonder guys are willing to put up with her nastier side to be around her.
Jaime Pressly, "My Name is Earl"
It was many years ago when the Bellamy Brothers prayed that someday they would find themselves a redneck girl, but if they'd been singing that song today, they could've subtitled it "Ode to Joy." Now, let's be honest: Joy comes with a little bit of baggage. Just ask her ex-husband, Earl Hickey. Or her current husband, Darnell Turner, for that matter. First and foremost, she's got some awful kids who act as though they were raised in a barn rather than a trailer. From there, there's her attitude, which is nasty under the best of circumstances and only gets worse when you piss her off...and you had best believe that it doesn't take much to piss her off. She's also self-centered, closed-minded, and remarkably manipulative for someone who regularly demonstrates her lack of proper book learning. But here's the thing: when it comes to her relationships, Joy is damned dedicated to them. She's not great at monogamy (she once excused her cheating by asking, "You think Bruce and Demi don't sleep together once in a while and don't tell Ashton?"), but when push comes to shove, she does tend to stand by her man. Also, she's really hot, albeit in a bitchy trailer-trash kind of way, and will be the first to tell you that she loves loving, if you take our wink-nudge meaning. In a nutshell, she might not have class, but she's got a nice…figure.
Shannon Doherty, "Beverly Hills 90210"
When we met Brenda, she appeared to be a somewhat gawky, socially tentative Midwestern girl who was poised to be eaten alive by her new Beverly Hills schoolmates – but appearances can be deceiving, as said schoolmates quickly discovered. As it turned out, there was far more California vixen than Minnesota hausfrau in Brenda's blood, and despite her snowy Nordic complexion, she quickly learned how to get down and dirty with the cattiest of the 90210 teens – from bumping uglies with local bad boy Dylan McKay after the spring formal to tricking a hapless doofus into thinking she was a French citizen named Brenda DuBois, Brenda was clearly operating at a level beyond that of her peers, and she proved it by ditching them for an acting career on the London stage before even graduating from college. Of course, she eventually returned to the sideburn-friendly zip code of her youth, rekindling her old love/hate relationship with frenemy Kelly Taylor (and promptly kicked off another love triangle between the duo), but just like everything else, she did it on her own terms – and she even adopted a trendy Chinese baby in the bargain. Dylan may be out of the picture, and she may be an older, wiser single mom now, but something tells us Brenda Walsh remains a woman not to be trifled with.
Lucy Liu, "Ally McBeal"
As far as lawyers go, Ling Woo is as sexy as they come, but the one thing that really sets this acid-tongued mean girl apart from her fellow colleagues is her feistier side. Like a corporate dominatrix who doesn't revel in possessing power over a man so much as enjoy the mind games that come with the territory, Ling is a classic dragon lady with a modern day twist. Then again, that's exactly why we like her so much. Sure, she isn't really girlfriend material in the meet-the-parents kind of way, but that's probably for the best. After all, Ling has a history of rubbing people the wrong way, like when she tried to sue the Catholic Church because a man was killed by what she believed to be an act of God. Ling's strong personality transfers over well to the bedroom, too, as she's been known to give a good "hair job" and isn't at all intimidated by the idea of exploring her sexuality. She'll probably treat you like shit at first, but stand your ground long enough and you might just walk away with a woman who inhabits the best of both worlds.
Heather Locklear, "Melrose Place"
It would be tempting to dismiss Amanda Woodward as easy – she did, after all, schtup just about every adult heterosexual male in and around Melrose Place during the six years or so she lived there – if not for two things: First, when she wasn't busy conniving or divorcing a conquest, she had a tendency to occasionally remind us that she had a sensitive heart beating beneath that immaculately pressed wardrobe; and second, given how frequently the men in her life ended up in therapy, prison, or just plain dead, it would be much more accurate to say there was nothing very easy about Amanda at all. Hell, this is a woman whose idea of walking off into the sunset is conspiring to commit fraud and faking her own death to protect her ill-gotten gains – and then starting a new life with the psychopathic creep who once had her kidnapped in an effort to woo her. So, given all this, how in the hell did she end up carving such an impressive number of notches in her bedpost? Because she's smoking hot, dummy – the kind of hot that can drive everyone from a nudnik like Billy Campbell to a slimeball like Peter Burns to distraction. And if she stepped on a few heads along the way, well…nobody's perfect, right?
The first five nominees in the "Mean Girls" category are all worthy objects of our affection, but they certainly aren't the only voluptuous vixens to win our hearts. Below you'll find five more nominees to consider before placing your vote.
Eliza Dushku, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" & "Angel"
No matter how horrible her behavior is at times, Buffy Summers' ultra-tough yet dysfunctionally vulnerable dark sister-in-slayerdom is impossible not to love just a little; no matter how noble her behavior may sometimes be, it's impossible not to fear her just a little. Faith has jumped over the good-and-evil fence more than once over the years, but even assuming she doesn't plunge a stake into your heart, her approach to men can be far too much like her approach to vampires. However, if you can be the one to find the human connection with her she so clearly lacks, the keys to a five-by-five paradise just may be yours.
Sarah Clarke, "24"
They warned us from the very beginning that she was trouble. An anonymous "man with answers" told Jack Bauer early on that Nina Myers was acting as a mole within the Los Angeles Counter Terrorist Unit. Jack's indignant reaction to the thought of Nina being a traitor matched our own – how could someone so hot be so bad? – but boy, did she show us. Nina Myers isn't just a mole – she's a predator. She dated two of her co-workers – even though one of them was still married – and killed at least two other co-workers who were wise to her treacherous ways. Once her cover was blown, her inner Black Widow was released, and she used her feminine wiles more effectively than any man ever used a gun, even trying to seduce Jack into kissing her in exchange for information. Yes, we know that any relationship with Nina can only end in tears – or, in the case of Jack's wife, death – but it almost surely comes with a huge helping of sex of the ‘make-up' and ‘hate' variety, and that is something we simply cannot pass up. In the event of our untimely deaths, though, you know where to look first.
Nancy McKeon, "The Facts of Life"
There is a song which suggests that, if you take both the good and the bad, you have the facts of life, but who among us would argue that it would be far more fun to learn the facts of life from a bad girl? Despite her inclusion in this category, Jo Polniaczek isn't all that mean, but when it comes to getting to know her, you'll find that she's certainly a tough nut to crack. She's definitely a rebellious sort, prone to activities like car theft and shoplifting, so it's no wonder that she was placed in Eastland Academy to develop a few social skills. Given her preference for riding motorcycles and her tendency to instill her every comment with in-your-face attitude, it's a fair bet that she'll always have her tomboy tendencies, but there's nothing wrong with being tough and hot.
Sarah Silverman, "The Sarah Silverman Program"
For those that like their girlfriends a little whacky and enjoy the weekly drama that stems from dating a mentally deficient, racist, troublemaking anti-hero, Ms. Silverman is a great catch. She's hot, funny, and hot – did we mention she's hot? – but when do the headaches created by her hijinks outweigh her good looks? In other words, at what point does the fact that she is a giant pain in the ass trump her sheer beauty and pure entertainment value? Her sister pays her rent, so monetarily speaking, she's low-maintenance. But you know Laura will be looking to unload that financial burden at some point, and Sarah's boyfriend will be her prime target. But we're not talking TV wives here; we're talking girlfriends. So as long as the relationship stays short-term, it'll be worth it…at least for a while.
Vanessa Williams, "Ugly Betty"
This is the Mean Girls category we're talking about here, so you know we've got some hard cases on the list – but dear Jesus, even in the context of the other members of this list, Wilhelmina Slater takes "bitch" to a whole new level. Oh, and "career woman," too – due in part to the fact that she's made a miserable ruin out of every other part of her life, including her relationship with her rarely seen daughter, Slater has made it her mission to exert total control over MODE magazine, the fashion rag where she's been making or breaking careers for more than two decades. That kind of focus leaves little room for extracurricular activities, but if you're patient enough – or if you have something to offer her professional development – Ms. Slater is undeniably easy on the eyes.
Now that you've seen our 10 nominees in the "Mean Girls" category, it's time to make your voice heard by voting for your favorite. If you need to refresh your memory before casting your ballot, click the thumbnails below to revisit each nominee's writeup. Then, come back on Monday, August 31 for the unveiling of the next TV Girlfriends list, "Fox Force Five," and to see which character prevailed in the "Mean Girls" voting.
|High Maintenance Hotties||Fox Force Five|