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| Sports predictions, 2006 sports, Ziggy Wilf, Cubs Indians World Series, Sammy Sosa, Bud Selig, Ron Artest
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2005 Sports Review: What we think will happen
12/16/2005
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Go Far East, old man.
After receiving only one MLB contract offer – a minor league
deal from the Kansas City Royals – Sammy Sosa signs with the
Chiba Lotte Marines, only to instantly draw the wrath of manager
Bobby Valentine after skipping spring training, subjecting his
Japanese teammates to the latest Shakira album at ear-splitting
decibels, and hitting one home run for every 20 strikeouts. Sosa
gloats to the worldwide press about his contract, not realizing
that his ¥6 million salary translates to roughly $51,000 per
year. |
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"I've got 99 problems, but a
bitch ain't one."
After their gay adventures on Lake Minnetonka – and we certainly
don’t mean gay gay; this is the NFL, after all, and there
are no gay NFL players, just ask them – the Minnesota Vikings
realize that there are good looking women all over the country
just waiting to be defiled, so they take their sex boat show on
the road. The Oakland Raiders, of course, are furious that
another team would dare to challenge their reputation as the
baddest boys in football, and vow to be responsible for at least
one mysterious death, arson or accidental shooting in each city
they play in. The Mall of America renames its rollercoaster ride
Daunte’s Inferno, where one unfortunate rider is jettisoned out
of their seat, and then is blamed for everything bad that
happens to the other riders for the rest of the year. Owner
Ziggy Wilf, meanwhile, goes all A-ha on us and becomes a
newspaper print character, if only to show the world that guys
named Ziggy can still be macho, damn it. |
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The ransacking of
baseball’s heritage continues.
Steroids have already infested the game’s record books, an
82-win Padres team qualified for postseason play last year, and
the Soxes have won the past two World Series. What’s next? Roger
Clemens goes back to Boston, the Devil Rays make the playoffs,
and Luis Castillo breaks DiMaggio’s streak. But to cap it all
off, the Cubs and Indians meet in the 2006 World Series.
Chicago, up three games to two in the bottom of the seventh,
crumbles after Sammy Sosa, lured back from Japan in a desperate
move by the Cubs to shore up their bench (curiously, the Marines
didn’t fight Sosa’s departure), shatters his bat on a weak
grounder to third, spraying five Super Balls around the infield.
Instead of running to first base, Sosa heads straight for the
Cubs’ dugout, runs down the tunnel, into the clubhouse, and is
never heard from again. The Cubs go on to lose Game Six, but
score two ninth-inning runs off Bob Wickman, who was caught on
camera chugging a beer in the bullpen three innings earlier, to
tie up Game Seven. Twenty-eight innings later, with empty
bullpens and nobody left on either bench, Bud Selig decrees the
game a tie and names the Indians and Cubs Co-World Series
champs. Selig is never heard from again either. |
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“Manning y Manning” in
Super Bowl XL.
The undefeated Colts glide through the playoffs, even
taking the opportunity to rest Peyton Manning and Edgerrin James
in the second half of the AFC Championship game. The Giants,
meanwhile, ride the hot hand of Peyton’s younger brother all the
way to an NFC Championship showdown in Seattle. Still spooked by Jay Feely’s miserable performance against the Seahawks
several weeks earlier, Tom Coughlin elects to bring 64-year-old
Matt Bahr out of retirement and watches him nail the game
winning field goal, forcing the dream match-up: Peyton vs. Eli,
Brother vs. Brother. Unfortunately for the Giants, Peyton
explodes for 336 yards and four touchdowns while Dwight Freeney
beats Eli silly en route to a 48-16 final and a 19-0 season.
Adding insult to injury, Peyton gives Baby Brother a wedgie on
national television during the post-game handshakes. |
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The Life of Ron.
The Pacers grant Ron Artest’s wish and trade him to the Knicks
for Channing Frye and a second-round pick. Indiana also includes
$500, reportedly to cover the cost of two new straightjackets
(you’ve got to have a
backup). But during the press conference
to announce the trade to the New York media, Artest slams a
reporter over the head with a nearby folding chair after the
reporter asked if he was still taking anger management courses. All hell breaks loose when Isaiah Thomas goes
flying into the seats and punches the guy sitting next to the
reporter. Hours later, the league announces that Artest has been banned for
life from the league. “That’s cool,” Artest says. “Now I’ve got
all the time I need to work on my music career. You guys ain’t
heard the last of Ron Artest.” Artest is never heard from again. |
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Don’t go away mad, just go
away.
After going out to dinner the first night of spring training,
Barry Bonds is accidentally overcharged for his meal. Suspecting
that the restaurant’s white manager was involved in the act,
after being paid off by the media, Bonds flies back home, locks
himself in his room and never plays baseball again. The lone
player who begs him to come back is Cubs pitcher Mark Prior, who
says, “I was really looking forward to brushing him off the
plate and knocking him on his butt one last time. Damn.” |
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Brett Favre goes home…
…to play football. Sort of. The LA Saints, in need of a
quarterback after selling Aaron Brooks to the Arena Football
League for a gently used iPod shuffle and 100 free song
downloads, talk Favre into signing a one-year deal. Favre, a
Louisiana native, initially announced his retirement following
the 2005-06 season but after the Saints signed a talented but
troubled wide receiver who’d only recently expressed a desire to
play with the Packers legend, Favre couldn’t resist their offer.
Unfortunately, the talented but troubled wide receiver expresses
a desire to play with Tom Brady following a week-five loss to
the Cardinals, saying, “Sometimes I wonder if Brett’s
colorblind. I mean, I only had eight catches today. Can’t he
tell that I’m wearing the same jersey he is?” A week later,
while doing a step workout in his backyard, the talented but
troubled wide receiver tells reporters that Favre is “soft,”
adding, “He’s got to have a stunt double. I don’t know how this
guy’s made 200-some consecutive starts.” Following two more
Saints losses, a scathing Oprah interview, and a Charmin
reference during a post-game press conference, Favre throws the
talented but troubled wide receiver under a bus. Literally.
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"Santa's Workshop"
What did Brett Favre, Michael Irvin and Matt Millen ask the big guy for this year? |
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