So much for last year's declaration that nothing good happens after two in the morning. The scenes in the oxygen chamber were some of the finest in "24" history. The back-and-forth between Marcos and Jack was tight and even, but the final confrontation was money. "If you knew anything about me"...laughed out loud at that line. And that eagle's stare he shot through the camera would make a desk lamp beg for mercy. "I'll talk! I'll talk!"

Are we in agreement that the threat to submit Mare Winningham to radiation poisoning is one of the lowest, meanest tricks Jack's ever pulled in an interrogation? Of course, that is precisely what made it so awesome. "If you blow yourself up, I'm having your mother clean it up." Yes.

"But Tarin, don't you love me?" "Sure, I do. Like I love Fresca."

From last week's comment section:

I’m sure I’m not the only one thinking this, but I’m guessing the significance of Princess Jasmine running off is that her beau actually is a bad guy and the Princess will soon find herself “in great peril.”

Well played, Jamey. He turns out to be exactly right, as head of security Tarin Faroush has in fact been romancing Princess Jasmine as a bargaining chip in case his takeover plans hit a snag. As official blogger of "24," I frankly feel dumb that I didn't anticipate this. I should have known from the beginning that her character's only value was as bait. But once again, we're in a situation where something could have been resolved a lot quicker with a text message. "She's not answering her phone." "Oh, well then leave her another voice mail." Ugh. Fucking text her already. "CTU just confirmed: boyfriend is bad guy. Run, Lola, run!" I'm no text fiend, mind you, but sometimes, it's the easiest, quickest way to communicate, and I'm not sure it's ever been used as a plot point in the show's history.

Starbuck and Buffy get a well-deserved tongue-lashing from Bubba as they returned to CTU with tails stuck between their legs, but the second Starbuck tries to get down to business, a corrections officer - henceforth known as Jimmy James - that's tracking Kevin gets Starbuck's phone number from a Queens hotel room phone. Would it have killed her to say sorry, I'm in the middle of a matter of national security and you, lowly corrections officer, will just have to wait? Doesn't she realize what a position of authority she has? Jesus, what good is it to have power if you don't use it once in a while? And Buffy is clearly losing patience with her inability to handle anything that's thrown at her, however small. In the "Sliding Doors" version in my mind of the 24 hours that take place after this season ends, Buffy kills Starbuck just to shut her the hell up once and for all, but plants a gun on her and uses her criminal past as an alibi to argue that his killing her was self-defense. And there isn't a jury in the country that would convict him.

Bonus pictureage this week, as I found this rather flattering picture of Crazy Jackie. Wowzers. No wonder someone I know refers to her as Rack Bauer. All right, back to work, people.

The only other story line to receive significant play tonight was how the whereabouts of Princess Jasmine landed Slumdog President and Angry First Wife in the same room again. This is a crucial move for the story in that she really is the only one that he can trust, despite the fact that she doesn't trust him (or, more appropriately, his penis) any farther than she can throw him. Hopefully, this will not lead to some sappy reconciliation. Mutual respect, sure. But rekindled love, no. It just doesn't work that way.

So what was Madame President and her staff working on this last hour? Their nails? Their plans to bomb Slumdog's country back to the Stone Age? A Sudoku puzzle? An out clause in their "24" contracts? Ah, who are we kidding, this is one of the best gigs on television, even if you have to wear the same clothes every single day for the entire season. I would love to see a scene where someone wakes up a president, or an advisor, or anyone for that matter, to deal with a matter of national security at three in the morning. This show has thrived on the understanding that anyone can go 24 hours without sleep, but what it doesn't take into account is how many hours before the show begins that these characters have gone without sleep. There was a scene early in the show's run when someone tried to escape Jack's clutches when he was succumbing to exhaustion, but I don't recall sleep deprivation ever playing a part in a single story line since then. Unless they include Chloe and Morris' decision to name their son Prescott. Because that's a terrible name to give an American kid.

Tonight's blog title might seem like a big surprise coming from an alt-pop guy like me, but I'm on call to take care of my daughter when she inevitably awakes, which means I need to come up with something quickly...and this Cher song hit me, and actually fits the bill rather well. Marcos thought he was dying for a cause, but in the end, he gave the so-called enemy what they wanted. And if the bomb hadn't killed him, his comrades would have. As Jack was throwing him in the chamber, he surely knew that he was a pawn and felt a moment of inpalpaple grief, right before being blown into bits. Marcos, for one, is definitely sleeping alone.

Or, Weekend at Jason's.

I'm not sure about the rest of you, but I'm pretty sure that if I've just escaped from the clutches of terrorists that will surely kill me if they find me, I do not hole up and call CTU to bail me out, especially if I've got a head start. Find a way out, get a cab, and go, man. And, if I do hole up, I don't wait until he's on top of me before making a break for it. This guy knifed one of his own security men in the neck just a few hours ago; he's not lacking the killer instinct.

But if Jason Schwartzman gets captured alive, "24" becomes "12," so die he must, sigh. In the writers' defense, the plan Jack devised after his death is a pretty good one, certainly better than, say, having Kim Bauer pretend to be a brunette librarian. I laughed out loud at Marcos emptying his clip into Jason's lifeless body, only to see...nothing happen. But the way they set up that scene, you just knew that Marcos would dive out the window - especially after they showed that scene in the previews last week - and you had to think that Jack considered that a possibility, too. Why, then, didn't he aim for Marcos' legs the second Marcos broke for the windows? This is, after all, the man that whipped a bread knife across a room and pierced a guy's throat. Jack should be able to shoot a guy in the leg blindfolded. While getting strangled. And eaten by dogs.

"I'm helping you hide the body of your convicted felon of an ex-boyfriend, and you're asking me about 'us'? Neither the time nor the place, honey."

So Princess Jasmine has run off with her secret love, and I can't see any reason why it matters. Outside of the obvious risk of her getting taken out by the dirty bomb, this plot thread means nothing to me. She's lovely to look at, but when she talks, all I hear is "Blah blah blah blah Ginger blah blah blah Ginger." (Stop me before I sub-reference again. Hell, even that was a sub-reference.) She just doesn't matter to me. Heaven help us if this subplot grows to Starbuck/redneck proportions.

Speaking of which...just when we thought we had seen the end of this thread - though I figured it would last for at least one more hour, since they were looking at returning to CTU wet, and smelling of swamp water - it appears that it's not going away anytime soon, and for those of you who refuse to watch the scenes for the next episode, I will say no more. With regard to tonight's actions, I don't know; I would think that burying bodies together would be one of those bonding moments. But then again, I've always buried my bodies alone, so I can't really speak from experience.

My beloved Jacqueline Bauer spent this week recovering in CTU, but her brief conversation with Jack proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that she will die before the final clock tick. I understand it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I'm trying to set up another interview with Annie Wersching, so I can ask her about how exhilarating it is to play Crazy Jackie. Wish me luck.

Bubba finally grew a pair and told Weiss that he wasn't prosecuting Jackie. It was a cool moment, but it left me wondering: why is Weiss so hell-bent on sending Jackie down the river, to the point that, as the ever-astute John Paulsen pointed out, he would send someone from the Justice department to CTU at midnight in order to expedite the process? In the real world, that one can wait, for days if need be. And despite the fact that CTU had another lead in the absence of Vladimir Guerrero's death, Weiss still seemed upset about the fact that Jackie was not going to get thrown under the bus. Do those two have a history? God help them if Weiss turns out to be some Starbuck-type baddie that Jackie wronged when undercover, and he's out for revenge. If that happens, this blog ends with that episode.

Lastly, we must mention the face-off that Presidents Madame and Slumdog had with regard to the potential fallout, both literally and figuratively, if his countrymen's plans to detonate a dirty bomb in the city are successful. I liked seeing that Taylor, once again, was unafraid to make the hard choice, and you could tell that Slumdog knew that Allison wasn't fucking around. Girl power, indeed.

Which brings us to this blog's title. For some reason that I can't dispute, since I don't know how to disarm a detonator by remote, Chloe just had to see the wiring of Marcos' suicide bomb, thus forcing Red Shirt Owen to take a stand in front of the security cameras and force Marcos to give up the goods. And after a quick brainstorming session on what to name this week's blog, my lovely, brilliant wife came up with a "Simpsons" reference before I could. I hang my head in shame. Which, for the record, is a "Simpsons" reference. Oh, the irony.

All season, I've been looking forward to the episode where Dana Walsh kicks some felon dirtbag butt, just so I could name one of these entries "And if you don't look now, then you're gonna get Starbucked," which is a lyric from a great little pop tune by the little-heard UK band Bond. Tonight, the moment finally came...and it was Buffy pulling the trigger. Damn. Worse, there is no video for "Starbucked" on YouTube. It clearly wasn't meant to be.

Ah, but what a small price to pay to have this year's most annoying subplot vanquished. Yes, Starbuck and Buffy will have some 'splaining to do, but so what? I'm just glad the rednecks are gone.

Which gets us to this blog's actual title. Man, they just don't make those organized crime figures like they used to. Sark betrays father Wolfhausen by stealing the nuclear rods, and killing the two men charged with guarding them in order to do it, and then minutes later he agrees to bring the rods to the authorities. Granted, they portrayed Sark as more of a lover than a fighter from the beginning, but for God's sake, man, do you have a cause or what? That's just wishy-washy. Likewise, Jason Schwartzman is willing to knife one of his government's security guards in the neck in order to escape and launch his insurrection, and have Sark killed in order to keep from having to pay for the rods, but using the rods against the Americans is suddenly a deal-breaker? Who did he think he was going to use them on?

"So tell me how this process works." "Well, you lie down in front of the bus, and then we run you over with it. We may even back over your lifeless body and run it over again, just to be sure. Any questions?"

Personally, I just don't think the writers thought this part through very well. They start with CTU picking up Jason Schwartzman's voice on Sark's cell phone, despite the phone not being on speaker and a good ten feet away from Schwartzman when he spoke. (They had to have a reason to confirm that it was really Schwartzman when he called later asking for help, I know, but ugh.) Then they have Schwartzman meet up with the people who helped him get this far, and only then does he realize that they are waaaaaaaay more committed to the cause than he is, to the point where they don't care if their home country gets bombed back to the Stone Age in retaliation for the crimes they intend to put into motion. By my reasoning, that's counter-productive to their ultimate goal, since their country wouldn't really exist anymore. "You can't turn us into an American-run police state!" "Oh, don't worry, that's not really much of an option anymore. We hope you find clean drinking water soon. "

The big takeaway from this episode has to be that Bubba got the CTU gig because Chris Something Really Greek (real actor's name, not his character's) appointed him, and each of them understood that if they want to survive politically, they need to be willing to sacrifice the careers of anyone who does their bidding. Bubba obviously didn't want to leave his comfy perch so soon, so he found Greek Boy's suggestion agreeable. But now he has a much bigger problem; Bubba made a deal with Jack in order to keep Crazy Jackie out of trouble, and you just know that he's going to try and weasel out of that later. I'm guessing this is the part where Chloe helps Jack set a trap, thus sending Bubba packing, proving Chloe's worth and netting herself Starbuck's spot as head analyst, since Starbuck will finish the season behind bars and Merv the Perv doesn't have the career ambition to aspire to a spot like that. And this will pave the way for Jack and Jackie to walk into the proverbial sunset together like we thought they ultimately would a few episodes into last season.

Until, of course, Jackie is killed. And you know that is going to happen before the final clock tick. Especially now that Jack is luring her in as a life partner. Big Dick Heller once told Jack that he's a curse, and he's right. Jackie, of all people, should know this, but we'll grant her a temporary pass because, well, she's nuts. Having said that, she's bar none my favorite character on the show at the moment, so I do not take her imminent death lightly. Still, bitch is going down. And I'll pour out a 40 in her honor on the eve of her death for every year that I take a breath.

Even though I couldn't use the Bond lyric as a title, here's the tune, anyway. And here is the video for this week's real title. Look closely, and you'll see Sean "Puff Daddy Diddy" Combs. Seriously.

Faithful "24" blog readers, I am in need of some clarification. Tonight's entire episode revolved around the mysterious whereabouts of Wolfhausen, to the point where Jack volunteered to be kidnapped in order to pinpoint his location. Meanwhile, Mrs. "24" blogger and I are thinking:

Why not check Vladimir's cell phone?

Hastings focused repeatedly on the fact that Crazy Jackie gutted Vladimir Guerrero like a salmon before they had a chance to interrogate him, and yes, it's true that dead men tell no tales. As the same time, cell phones do not lie. Find his phone, look up the most recent calls made, and go from there. Boom, problem solved. Did they address the issue of the phone in the previous hour? Did the Russian goons take Vlad's phone or at least destroy it? If so, then fine, I'll quit bellyaching. No, you know what, I won't quit bellyaching. Jack and Renee discussed it all before anyone else arrived on the scene. They could have taken his phone right then and there. That's it: I'm applying for the job of director of CTU. Someone has to stop the madness.

"Aw, you're going to torture me? That's so cute! I just want to pinch your cheeks for not knowing how this will end."

There was something about Sark that was throwing me off this entire episode. Previously, he appeared to be a sniveling wimp. In tonight's episode, he's Wolfhausen's Luca Brasi, putting a gun to Jason Schwartzman's head and talking the talk like a true "family man." I should have known that he had a hidden agenda. What will be interesting to learn, should they reveal it, is which one of them initiated the backup plan. I have to think it was Sark, because if Jason Schwartzman does it, he looks desperate. If Sark does it, he looks cunning. But there I go again, getting all rational.

In Hour 5, I said:

"...no good will come from trying to make [Kevin] disappear. Guys like that, they don't disappear. It's like feeding a cat."

Fast-forward three hours, and Kevin is making it rain at a strip club with his ill-gotten gains, telling Starbuck that he plans on holding her big secret over her head for as long as he can. Surprise! Yes, we all saw this coming down Broadway, but here is my big question: I'm no gangster, but I'm pretty sure that New York strip clubs know who the real players are, both above the table and otherwise, and who the two-bit, illiterate degenerate scumbags are. When a halfwit like Kevin comes in with obscene amounts of cash, odds are he's stolen it from another one of the club's more loyal patrons, at which point the halfwits are escorted out the back door, chopped to bits, stuffed in a duffel bag and thrown in the Hudson. In the "24" universe, however, they live la vida loca. Fugh.

And to think, Starbuck had the perfect chance to come clean...and didn't do it. Granted, I'm not a con artist like Kate or Sawyer from "Lost," so I don't think about potential ways out of a predicament like your typical con, but I have to think that Starbuck is so far against the wall that she feels her shoulder blades coming through her chest. But nope, she still doesn't come clean, choosing instead to fix it herself. I am predicting that this will result in the death of Kevin but not his idiot sidekick Nick, who will then put even more pressure on Starbuck using...wait for it...Kevin's cell phone.

Quick note on Jack's footwork while tortured: at least it was more believable than last week's knife toss.

On the Presidential front - this is, after all, President's Day - our Madame President was shortchanged. Even Jack upstaged her conference call with Bubba. Ah, but Slumdog President continued on his path to full-blown paranoia, even telling his daughter Princess Jasmine that the love of her life, who has served her father loyally for ages, is probably a plant and working for Jason Schwartzman instead. See, this is why good people don't get into politics. Not worth the trouble. And we wonder why things are so fucked up.

And on that note, I'll let Billy Joel take us home. Think about it, Starbuck. Please.

I was tempted to go with one of two songs for tonight's episode. The runner-up to the Nirvana lyric above was Garbage's "Stupid Girl," in reference to the subplot where Starbuck lets her hilljack ex-con lover and his troglodyte friend loose in an evidence warehouse...but it didn't seem emphatic enough. No, for that to be the lead, I needed a song with a title along the lines of "You Are the Dumbest Motherfuckers in the History of Dumb Motherfuckers," and a quick check of my iTunes library reveals nothing that has both 'dumb' and 'motherfucker' in it. I am clearly listening to the wrong bands.

Slumdog President is fast becoming my second-favorite character on the show this season (though he's admittedly a distant, distant second to Renee Walker). He was smoove like Wilt Chamberlain - take that any way you like - when the peace accord was about to be signed, but Jason Schwartzman's betrayal has evidently shaken him to the core...or has it? That's the beauty, if you want to call it that, of this show; we only know what we've seen, so we have no way of determining Slumdog's next move, since we don't know really know him at all. On the surface, the sudden paranoia and ruthlessness is in stark contrast to his affability in the first two hours. But who knows, maybe the reason he's so shaken is because he thought he and Jason Schwartzman were on the same page, only to discover that little brother was much more hardcore than he ever knew.

Speaking of Jason Schwartzman and hardcore, he has now been screwing those two hookers for three hours. Good on ya, mate.

If you take a step back, you have to wonder how Vladimir Guerrero didn't see that he had been set up for failure six years ago when Jackie first entered his life. She's suddenly back, and she has this "German" partner who speaks perfect English, and would you look at that, he wants to buy uranium rods, something totally out of Vladimir's league. Could you make some calls, for old time's sake? Even funnier that he thought that any of these Russian godfathers would actually tell him over a cell phone, "Why yes, I do have some enriched uranium rods. Why do you ask?" I'm no small-time gangster, but if I were, I would not be making awkward phone calls late at night to guys who could erase my entire family tree in 24 hours. Just sayin', it would be bad for business.

"What's my sign? 'Out of order.'"

Ah, but Crazy Jackie has Vladimir's number, and when that happens, you can throw all logic out the window. (Trust me on this, I speak from experience.) And if you didn't already know that the producers of "24" are expecting their audience to suspend a certain amount of disbelief, you sure as hell did after tonight's episode, where Jackie, having just filleted Vladimir with a bread knife (knew that was making a callback), accidentally stabs Jack in the stomach during her fit of rage. Jack falls to the ground, but still has his wits and faculties enough to throw the bread knife at Vladimir's suspicious right-hand man...and stab him perfectly in the neck, killing him instantly. Gales of laughter came from the "24" blog headquarters when that happened. "Thank you, Senor MacGyver. You saved our village." "Don't thank me. Thank the moon's gravitational pull." Both are equally as likely to actually happen.

Oh, and apparently Jackie's stabbing of Jack was just a flesh wound. Whew. (*slaps forehead*)

Finally, let's get to Starbuck and her dumb, dumb, super-fucking dumbass plan to send Kevin on his way by giving him access to an warehouse filled with evidence lockers. Oh noes! Kevin's even dumber buddy - don't be surprised if they reveal that he's illiterate - is going to mess everything up by poking around in the cell to look for more bling, and when we revisit them, he's trashed the place like a toddler in a toy store...and the supposedly street-smart Kevin allowed it to happen. In the name of "South Park" character Jimmy, "C-C-C'mon, fellas." For those of you who have been reading these rants since the season premiere, you know that I've been begging Starbuck to come clean for weeks now. She had everything in her favor then. Now, not so much, especially since Shoeless Joe beat down a cop with a baseball bat. Ugh, Dumb, mother, fuckers.

If there was a positive note to tonight's episode, it was that Wolfhausen's minions brought Jack through sewer tunnels as a means of evading government surveillance. That was a nice callback to when Jack called the Russians a dirty people in the previous hour. I guess they showed him.

All right, let's get to the tune. I think it's incredible what Dave Grohl has done in the wake of Kurt Cobain's death, but damn, man, what I would give for one more Nirvana album.

It was 9:38 on the "24" clock, and I had a funny thought: nothing's happened yet. This was one of those "bridge" episodes where they inch a bunch of stories along, and open a few new doors (Slumdog President's daughter is now in play), but that's about it. They're necessary evils in the "24" universe, and if anything, provide a brief moment of realism, since we do not live in a world where everything happens at the top of the hour. However, that doesn't make these episodes any less ponderous.

The good news is that, with regard to the two unwanted subplots, one of them is dead...literally. That scene of Papa Bazhaev (pending "24" nickname: Jesus, for his role in "The Seventh Sign") knocking Sark around, then shooting his sick son to death, was producing serious flashbacks to "The Godfather." All I could see were rowboats and Brando yelling, "Act like a man!" The only question is how Sark uses some of that bodily fluid the doctor so carefully warned him about to poison his father. 'Cause you know that's going down before the final clock tick. It damn well better.

Did anyone else laugh out loud when the thug that came to get Jesus' sons told Jesus, "No one will know we were here"? Well, they may not know YOU were there, but when they see a trail of dead bodies, they'll know someone was there, and since the Feds know the Russians are looking to move weapons-grade uranium, they're probably going to start with you. Which, in the end, means that yeah, they knew you were there. Dumbass.

And then there's Starbuck, who appears to actually be helping her convicted felon of an ex to score a bunch of money. Giant forehead slap on three, ready? She has the perfect opportunity to send him down the river for life (if she comes clean before they hit the warehouse), but if next week's scenes are any indication, she's going to cling to the microscopic chance she has left of getting through this without anyone discovering her sordid past. Fool. Give it up, girl. It's over. Put the scumbag away, already.

"If you don't quit looking down my top, I'm going to have Jack cut your balls off with a spoon. Perv."

So what are we to make of Slumdog daughter? My gut says that the UN advisor that was just sent away is a good guy, and the one feeding Slumdog the intel is in league with Jason Schwartzman. That dude is going to kidnap Slumdog daughter, and use her as a chip to force Slumdog to back off on the crackdown of the insurrection. Look at her, for crying out loud. Cute as a button, innocent...naive. She's toast.

Watching Jack verbally undress a Russian - in German - was easily the highlight of the evening. ("German is such a dirty language." "Well, you are a dirty people." Oh, snap!) Well, that and Buffy playing "Goldeneye" on the goons assigned to kill Jack once Vladimir Guerrero got his money. That was pretty sweet.

There was a shot of Renee in Vladimir's lair where her eyes looked like hollow, soulless holes in her head. It's the most emotional depth that the show has ever displayed. And granted, that's not saying a heck of a lot, but it's a start, and I'm glad Annie Wersching was the one who got to go there. And did you see the scenes for next week's episode? Jack reached out to Renee and asked her to give up her death wish...for him, which is like giving up one death wish for another.

This week's "24" blog title comes courtest of Sir Bob Geldof and the Boomtown Rats, from one of my all-time favorite albums, The Fine Art of Surfacing. Take it away, Bob.

The Boomtown Rats - Nothing Happened Today

For those playing the "24" drinking game, the 'damn it' counter hit four tonight, and if you have a 'We don't have time, Chloe!' rule, that makes five. Whew, I'm feeling funny. Kidding, of course. I wait until the episode's over before I start drinking. It helps me keep from crying as I write these recaps.

Imagine leaving work in the middle of a crisis, without telling anyone but one of your subordinates. You'd get fired, right? Now imagine that you're an ex-con who's secured a sweet government job using an alias, and you're leaving work because another ex-con (and a violent one at that) has come for payback, and is leveraging your secret past in order to make a Big Score. Is there any chance that you're leaving work, the safest place in the world for you to be right now? Hell, no. Kevin's game is a giant bluff, and as an ex-con, Starbuck has to know that. Call it now girl, because no good will come from trying to make him disappear. Guys like that, they don't disappear. It's like feeding a cat.

The way I see it, if the worst thing that happens to Starbuck is that she loses her job - and her relationship with Buffy will surely be collateral damage in the fallout - but she's able to keep herself out of jail while getting Kevin locked away for a laundry list of charges ranging from assault and battery to blackmail, she should consider herself fortunate. Besides, if she came clean to Buffy right now and told him everything, don't you think that he'd still want to protect her? Damn right, he would. "There's a violent con in my apartment, sweetie." Buffy brings a team of goons with him, they bag Kevin and his loser friend, take them to CTU, and make them squeal like pigs.

Instead, she's going to compromise CTU, just like Samwise Gamgee did. Fugh. And you know what the 'F' stands for.

"You did time in juvee? Is it wrong of me to be incredibly turned on right now?"

But here's the big question: CTU has facial recognition software, which they use to identify known felons. If they put her picture in there, wouldn't her criminal record as Jenny Scott show up? When your job involves counterterrorism, I'd make damn sure I had no ex-cons in my house. Just sayin'.

Meanwhile, Jason Schwartzman (formerly known as George Harrison. Hey, the nickname is too good not to use, even if I didn't think of it) spends the entire hour in the company of two escorts. Niiiiiiiiice.

I liked the exchange between Slumdog President and Madame President, because both sides had valid points. Slumdog would indeed be toast if he didn't make an example of those who tried to depose him, while Madame Prez has every right to pull out of the deal since, hey, she's the big dog in this arrangement. We'll see where it goes from here.

But for the love of God, please end this 'save my dying brother' subplot at once. This is worse than the Starbuck subplot, not to mention the basic idea is ripped straight from the first "Saw." Do we need to change Sark's nickname to Jigsaw? Also, isn't it dangerous to be around someone who's dying of radiation poisoning? The best answer I can find on the web is 'maybe,' but if it's me, I'm giving anyone with radiation poisoning a wide berth. Even my brother. Sorry, Steve.

Last but certainly not least is the damaged little flower that is Jacqueline Bauer. She willingly goes undercover in order to earn the trust of Vladimir Guerrero (nickname pending), despite the fact that he was obsessed with her and, well, had an unfortunate tendency of hurting her, let's put it that way. Crazy Jackie clearly has a death wish, and that is why she is going to be the most interesting character to watch this season, bar none. She even stares down Vlad as he's about to shoot her in the head and dump her in the river...and begs him for the privilege. And I don't think that was an act. It may have served as a brilliant stalling tactic, but from here, Jackie has one more sunrise in her future, if that.

On a lighter note, watching Jack follow the action, instead of leading it, made me think of Tom Arnold in "True Lies." "You know what? I'm sick of being in the van. You guys are going to be in the van next time. I've been in the van for 15 years, Harry." For the first time in ages, Jack is in the van. I have to admit, it's a nice change of pace.

All right, Gregory Abbott, take us home. Baby.

George Harrison: "Hey guys, don't mind me. I'm just going to slip behind this pillar to make a private phone call right in the middle of an emergency evacuation."
Moscow Mike: "Hey guys, don't mind me. I'm just going to speak on the phone in my native Russian accent shortly after replacing another cop on U.N. security detail."

Jesus.

Seriously, have these people heard of text messaging? Are they worried about lingering evidence? If you're willing to call an assassin on your phone, there's no reason to be bashful about texting. It would have looked a lot less conspicuous for both parties. "Slumdog in 3rd car. Make boom boom." Problem solved, and he wouldn't have to hide behind a pillar to do it.

All right, Rule #1 for home invasions: if someone is willing to shoot your wife in the leg as the first step in the "I'm not fucking around" dance that captors and hostages take, you can safely assume that neither you nor your wife is going to live through said encounter. So why not die with your boots on? I understand the cop's desire to protect his now-crippled wife, but he lost me the second that the phone rang, and Moscow Mike looked away to the phone...and the cop didn't take Mike's gun and shoot him with it. He had a good second and a half. That may not sound like much, but in TV time, it's an eternity. It goes even slower for the viewers. Any cop worth a damn would have made a move for the gun.

Which is why, while I knew that Buffy was putting his life in grave danger by entering that evacuated building looking for Moscow Mike - and sure enough, Mike got the drop on him, but inexplicably did not shoot him in the head on sight - I was thrilled to see Buffy not make the same mistake as the cop in Queens. He knew he was doing to die either way, but if he had a chance to stop the assassin, it would be worth it. As it turned out, Jack was there to take Moscow Mike down, though I'm still a little perplexed how he was able to shoot Mike twice in the back without hitting Buffy. There were exit wounds in Mike's chest, and from what I could tell, it looked as though any pass-through bullet would have gladly made a home in Buffy's flesh. But still, major props to Buffy for being willing to die for the cause.

As for the vengeful cop that tied up Jack as retaliation for the dead cop and his wife: ha ha ha ha ha ha! I know you needed something to keep Jack from getting to Buffy sooner, but that was just silly. You know what would be a perfectly reasonable way to delay Jack from arriving somewhere on time? Traffic. New York has a lot of it, not that you would know from these first four episodes.

"You can tell from the state of my room that they let me out too soon."

Holy fucking shit, what has happened with Jacqueline Bauer? She's positively unhinged, pulling stunts that rival Jack at his most unstable. Remember when he shot the federal witness and cut off his head to use as currency to infiltrate a weapons gang? That actually pales in comparison to what Renee pulls here. Cutting off a guy's thumb while he was still conscious? The girl has issues, to say the least...and I love it. It's like Jack being partnered with himself - his dark, evil self. I'm sure we'll reach a point where Jack has to pull a gun on Jacqueline and tell her she's Gone Too Far. But for now, I am totally loving Crazy Jackie.

Likewise, I'm loving Slumdog President, too. He isn't at all predictable, or perhaps more accurately, he's not playing the stereotypical slimy politician game. Of course, we still have 20 hours to go, which means there are surely some skeletons that George Harrison will gladly hurl out of the closet in order to buy either time or leverage. I'm not sure what those skeletons would be worth to the Russians - they just want George's money - but we'll see. It's nice to see David Anders, a.k.a. Sark from "Alias," on the show. Hopefully he gets to do a little more than say "Yes, sir" to the big baddie.

Oh, and I love scenes of empty restaurants at 7:00. How very "Godfather" of them. And for the record, a guy stashed away in a meat locker with the sniffles is not irrefutable proof of the possession of nuclear weapons. What a gulli-bull.

On the Starbuck front, her blackmailer Kevin dropped a line about seven years of hard time. Did he do jail time for a crime that she committed? And even if he did, he's the convicted felon, not her, and the law favors the innocent, or at the very least those without criminal records. One anonymous call to the police should take care of him, yes? I mean, if she's willing to work for the government despite being an alleged fugitive, why would she be afraid of the police? And doesn't he know how bad it looks that he's been caught on security cameras shaking down a government employee? Just rat the guy out already. He's wasting time.

Still, for all my complaining, I just love what they're doing with Renee. It doesn't speak well for her long-term well-being - I'm thinking she has a tollbooth and a hailstorm of Russian bullets in her future - but it's good to see that Jack isn't the only good guy that's willing to be bad. How has he not proposed to her by now? She completes you, Jack.

As for the blog's title, Placebo, take it away.

Man in room: "Hi, my name's Farhad."
Rest of room: "Hi, Farhad."
Man in room: "And I'm a villain."

Hiding in plain sight: it's the new twist ending.

From the moment they set up the white she-devil reporter Meredith (who, of course, is blonde) as the supposed inside person that will take out Slumdog President - they even had her doing the shifty-eyed thing, gawd - I'm thinking, "Nope, it's the brother." And that's fine: there have been several transparent baddies in the past on "24." But how many of them were revealed in the second hour? Seriously, we're only two hours in, and we already know that Slumdog's brother (official 24 blog nickname: George Harrison) has brought in the Russian hit man Davros (nickname still pending, though I'm leaning towards Moscow Mike, after watching him slip into New Yorkese without a moment's hesitation when he took that cop and his wife hostage) to kill his brother, and he plans on using Slumdog's indiscretions with said white she-devil as leverage to keep him in line. That's usually a late reveal, isn't it? They might spend the next 22 hours fleshing out the story in colorful ways, but I feel as though they've already played their biggest card.

Unless...

Perhaps Slumdog's wife is Sherry Palmer in disguise, and she's the driving force behind George Harrison's plot. The Hassans are as estranged a couple as you're likely to find, so it's safe to say that Slumdog's death would not crush her. She was just a little too still, too calm. I don't trust her any farther than I can throw her. And that's good; the show could use another villainess along the lines of Sherry Palmer and the late, great Lady MacBeth that was Shohreh Aghdashloo. Does anyone have a better voice than Shohreh Aghdashloo? Seriously, they should make a computer program that enables people to speak like her. It would end war.

"I'm Jack Bauer." "That's nice. My wife kills vampires. You're picking up the check."

So let's take a look at the fast-talking clowns that call themselves CTU New York. They're led by two guys, CTU director Brian Hastings (nickname: Bubba) and ex-Marine Cole Ortiz (nickname: Buffy) who are clearly in over their heads. Their head systems analyst Dana Walsh (nickname: Starbuck) is hiding some shameful past that, from the looks of her country bumpkin blackmailer, might involve tube tops and pole dancing. Lastly Arlo Glass, the man in charge of the drones, or something, uses satellite feeds to spy on hot women (nickname: Merv the Perv). Stuck with these idiots is Chloe, who is having a hard time adapting to their "Minority Report" technology, but seems to be the only one who knows a trap when she sees one. The lack of field experience and instincts with this crew is galling. How many useful leads will Jack and Chloe have to provide before they're deemed helpful?

Speaking of Chloe, I love Mary Lynn Rajskub as much as anyone, but she has been terrible so far, reading her lines like she has a plane to catch. There is no rhythm or real emotion behind what she says - it's just chatter. Elisha Cuthbert, on the other hand, has turned in her best work yet in these first two hours. She also looks fabulous.

Madame President didn't play too large a role in these first two hours, other than being the level-headed, middle-of-the-road President that we will never see in real life. Her new chief of staff Rob Weiss is a pushy little fucker though, and I wouldn't be at all surprised to see Ethan Kanin throw a roadblock or two his way.

For as much hype as the season premiere of "24" generates, this was not their best first step. Bad guys busting off shots in the middle of the street, but there are no witnesses. (It's New York. Someone is always watching.) A compromised CTU employee, a la Samwise Gamgee from Season 5. On the plus side, the writers appear to be playing the 'damn it' drinking game again, so that's fun. Still, hours three and four, to quote Hard-Fi, better do better than this.

And, in a new wrinkle to the 24 blog, I'm including a video to the song that inspired each week's title. Take us home, Shane and Kirsty.

As we ponder which pop culture reference to use as our opening to the return of Season 8 of "24" - would 'We love the smell of terror in the morning' work, or should be go musical and simply say 'Welcome to the terrordome, again'? - we realized that the seven-month layoff between seasons produces some rather large gaps in memory when it comes to the previous day's events, and this is coming from the person responsible for blogging the damn show. As a means of getting everyone (especially me) up to speed with both the returning characters and the new ones in anticipation of the upcoming two-day premiere - once again competing with the Golden Globes, ugh - we've prepped this handy little refresher guide on what you can expect this season. And as a precaution, we've included a SPOILER ALERT! warning when appropriate. Man, IMDb is helpful and all, but sometimes it blatantly gives the game away.

RETURNING FOR DUTY
Name: Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland)
Last seen: In a coma, finally succumbing to the nerve agent that he inadvertently exposed himself to while trying to stop a major attack in Day 7.
Present whereabouts: Seemingly cured of any and all ill effects of the nerve agent and preparing to relocate back to Los Angeles to be closer to his daughter and granddaughter, who's named after Jack's dead wife.
Likelihood of surviving to final clock tick: 1,000,000,000%. If they kill Jack Bauer, it won't be on the small screen. And even if they did decide to kill him on TV, they're sure as hell not going do it the same year as the final season of "Lost."

Name: Chloe O'Brian (Mary Lynn Rajksub)
Last seen: using a laptop, which was practically still smoking from the fire that it was pulled from, to pinpoint the location of Season 7 baddie Alan Wilson.
Present whereabouts: Working her tech magic for the newly reinstated CTU office in New York.
Likelihood of surviving to final clock tick: 90%, though we suspect that should Chloe die, Jack would just fall to the ground like a marionette.

Name: Kim Bauer (Elisha Cuthbert)
Last seen: Going against her father's wishes and consenting to the doctors' request to use her stem cells to save Jack.
Present whereabouts: Still on the east coast with the intent to move back west. The mother of an infant at the end of Season 7, her daughter is now roughly four years old, even though we believe only 18 months have passed since this season and last.
Likelihood of surviving to final clock tick: 100%. Like cockroaches, Keith Richards and U2, Kim Bauer cannot be killed.

Name: President Allison Taylor (Cherry Jones)
Last seen: Sending her treacherous daughter to the slammer for a laundry list of grotesque offenses, thereby guaranteeing that her husband never has sex with her again.
Present whereabouts: New York, where she will sign a landmark treaty with President Omar Hassan. Or at least that's the plan.
Likelihood of surviving to final clock tick: 95%. She's damn tough, and even some of the Presidents that die on camera don't really die. Take, for example...

Name: President Charles Logan (Gregory Itzin)
Last seen: Flatlining in an ambulance after being stabbed by his wife, former First Lady of Crazy Martha Logan.
Present whereabouts: Unknown, but word has leaked that Logan will return at some point this season.
Likelihood of surviving to final clock tick: 100%. Hey, if Martha couldn't kill him...

Name: Renee Walker (Annie Wersching) (SPOILER ALERT!)
Last seen: Sneaking into the holding room of Alan Wilson, with the intent to make him squeal like a pig for orchestrating the day's events, not to mention the death of her boss, Larry "Dudley Do Right" Moss.
Present whereabouts: Unknown, but we're guessing it's somewhere dark, cold, and ratty.
Likelihood of surviving to final clock tick: 5%. We already had a sneaking suspicion that Renee, a.k.a. Jacqueline Bauer, was destined to fill that 'dead/damaged lover' slot in Jack's life, but then IMDb revealed this, um, revealing fact: as of press date, Wersching was credited for appearing in 47 episodes of "24." You do the math.

THE ROOKIES
The re-opening of the New York office of CTU will serve much like the introduction of the FBI in Season 7. New bosses, new agents, new techies, and most likely, new moles. But damned if this bunch doesn't appear to be squeaky clean. For now.

Name: Omar Hassan (Anil Kapoor)
Title: President of the fictional Muslim nation of Kamistan and assassination target.
Potential 24 Blog Nickname: Slumdog President
Likelihood of surviving to final clock tick: 100% Swear to God, I got in a conversation with two Indian men at a local liquor store about Anil Kapoor (an ad for "24" appeared on the TV behind them), and they both proceeded to recite a laundry list of Chuck Norris-type facts about Anil Kapoor. Apparently, Kapoor can do seven lengths in an Olympic swimming pool...underwater. I was going to inquire about Kapoor's roundhouse kick, but thought better of it, grabbed my booze, and left.

Name: Dana Walsh (Katie Sackhoff)
Title: Director of IT, CTU New York
Potential 24 Blog Nickname: If I don't call her Starbuck, all hell will break loose.
Likelihood of being mole in disguise: 20%. She appears to be more of a Nasia Yassir (the lovely Marisol Nichols) type. Which is fine with us. After all, why bring in someone like Katie Sackhoff and ask your audience to root against her?

Name: Brian Hastings (Mykelti Williamson)
Title: Director of CTU New York
Potential 24 Blog Nickname: Sorry, Mykelti, but you'll always be Bubba to us.
Likelihood of of being mole in disguise: 10%, but I'll bet dollars to donuts he's dead before the day's over. Directors of CTU have a higher mortality rate than Jack's girlfriends. (*pours out 40 in honor of Bill Buchanan*)

Name: Cole Ortiz (Freddie Prinze Jr.)
Title: Agent, CTU New York
Potential 24 Blog Nickname: There is surely a Mr. Buffy Summers joke in there somewhere, but man, that seems too easy.
Likelihood of of being mole in disguise: 15%. He's an ex-Marine (that's right, Freddie Prinze Jr. is playing an ex-Marine), so the odds of him betraying his country are highly unlikely. It would be a nice play against type, but "24" doesn't really play that way. They tend to cast former weasels to play current weasels. See Sean Hillinger, a.k.a. Billy Walsh, from Season 7.

Name: Arlo Glass (John Boyd)
Title: Systems Analyst
Potential 24 Blog Nickname: TBD. Considering his relatively skint resume, including such roles as Drunk Guy and One-Eyebrow Smoker, we'll need some time together before a nickname presents itself.
Likelihood of of being mole in disguise: 10%, though we wonder if he'll produce trouble for Chloe and Morris.

That's all we know for the moment, but the "24" blog will be back open for business Monday morning to discuss the first two hours. Fox, though needs to be slapped silly for scheduling the premiere opposite the Golden Globes, again. Yes, yes, moving the premiere to Monday and Tuesday would mess up "American Idol's" schedule, blah blah blah. Nobody cares. Heck, the stars of "24" will be at the Golden Globes, for crying out loud. Jeesh.