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The Slumber Party Girls: Dance Revolution Label: Geffen Released: 2006

We’re often told as reviewers to not throw a lot of the personal pronoun “I” into our creations, and to try to not let all that deep, dark subjectivity get in the way. But when it comes to a “group” like the Slumber Party Girls and a disc as god-awful as Dance Revolution, you must understand that all rules go out the door. Especially when said disc is being reviewed for such a site as ours. You seriously have to wonder why such an item was tossed this way, but so it goes. (That’s what happens when you ask for Paris Hilton’s album – Ed.) I’m not sure how many teeny bopper girls we have scanning our pages, but I’m willing to bet it can’t be a lot. So chickies, this one is for you.

Perhaps you don’t recall a group by the name of 3rd Faze that tried to carve out some weird-ass career in music back in 2001. You’re forgiven if you don’t. 3rd Faze failed miserably. They were a trio, were linked to some kid’s fitness show on TV on Saturday mornings, and put out a disposable CD to whore themselves even more to tiny troglodytes who will buy bullshit bubblegum rock not worthy of the Fleer name. They quickly died an unnoticed death. Well, here we have the Slumber Party Girls doing a similar thing. They’re going to have some Saturday morning revue on CBS, instead of three girls, there are five (and none of them look over 16), and, you guessed it, they’re whoring themselves on a CD. Or should I say Geffen Records is whoring them out.

Record labels wonder why people don’t want to buy shitloads of music anymore. They quickly blame .mp3 files and video games and this and that, but when majors are pumping out brown chunder such as the Slumber Party Girls, there is no excuse in the world that doesn’t come back to them ultimately. Seriously, a show of hands for anyone who thinks this group and their TV will be around next year. It’s depressing and it reeks of the smell of green. Not even Disney would come up with something this disposable, and you’d think they’d be the ones best suited to release something like this. But no, it’s on Geffen and there’s no light at the end of this tunnel.

Do I really have to tell you how bad this shit is? Fine, I’ll mention the song “Bubblegum” and its line “Boy, you got me chokin’ on my bubblegum.” Soft-shell teen sex dolled up in cutesy pie pooparoo! There are cookin’ tracks here with names like “The Texting Song,” “Eavesdroppin’,” and “Carousel.” They’re all as wretched and forgettable as you would imagine they are. There is nothing here even worth making fun of in a completely base way, it’s that pointless.

Surely kids are smarter than to buy into this crap, right? There are always goofy fads, but the Slumber Party Girls smack of nothing but an audio version of a shitty paperweight. As adults, it’s easy to see no shelf life on junk like this, so why do fellow free-thinking adults choose to create such things? If you’re gonna give kids some pop and rock music, just go out and buy them a regular album. If you want kids to enjoy music to its fullest, do them a favor and don’t buy them this CD. There are tons of better CDs out there to get them, including plenty of fine ones geared toward a younger age range. But this is the kind of product that should be given away in a fucking Happy Meal, not offered up for actual dollars. Hopefully The Slumber Party Girls will wake up as well and realize what kinds of charlatans they are.