CD Review of Time Is Money by Styles P

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Time Is Money
no starno starno starno starno star Label: Ruff Ryders
Released: 2006
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A One-Act Play Featuring a Kid, an Old Man, and the New Styles P CD

Old Man: Hey! Turn that shit down! What the hell is that noise?

Kid: Yo, gramps! That’s my man Styles P! You better not be gettin’ up in my grill, yo!

Old Man: What? Your parents bought you a grill?! You’re too young to operate one of those. You’ll get burned!

Kid: Sheeeit! You’re so out of touch! (Singing some of the first track, “G Joint”) “Listen cocksucker and clown / I’ll be leaving you cut / You’re like a Dutch hound, bustin’ ya down / Niggas driving in a circle with your ho in the back / Be the only damn way I’ll be fuckin’ around / And I’m aimin’ for your waist, hopin’ you duck / So I can bust you in the head when I’m buckin’ the pound!

Old Man: Why, I oughta have you arrested for threatening a senior citizen! How old are you, 14?

Kid: Yo, I know I didn’t hear you just dis my age, old man! I got the Benjamins and bling to keep your welfare ass out in the cold for a long time!

Old Man: First off, I’m not on welfare, you sonofabitch. Secondly…

Kid (Hitting the old man with some vibe off of “Can You Believe It”): “Big ass truck, brand new rims / Tank top Yankee, Tanned out Tims / Bracelet, chain, front bob thin / New tattoos, new black shoes / Gucci, Emrays, do that too!

Old Man: I didn’t understand a word you just said.

Kid: That’s because you got one-and-a-half-feet in the grave, you dried up skin flake! Yo, I don’t need you to understand. Maybe you can understand my gat in your gut!

Old Man: You’ve got a cat in your stomach? What are you, one of those Satanic people who sacrifice animals? I’m calling the police!

Kid (Now getting all wanksta spewing lyrics from “Who Want a Problem (Remix)”): “Neo on the beat, glock in my murder hand / Back seat Pakistan, I can just kill a man / It’s getting’ warm, they home for the summer / And left the winter clothes in the dorm / I don’t want a problem, it’s too much flesh out / They want me to cock back and blow their chest out!”

Old Man (On phone with the po-po): Yes, hello? Police? I’ve just been verbally assaulted by some young punk here…I think he may be Satanic!

Just then, everyone’s favorite hero FREEDOM FREEK arrives at the scene.

Freedom Freek: What’s going on here?

Old Man: Freedom Freek! Thank God above! This kid here was just verbally assaulting me! I want him put in jail!

Freedom Freek (Snatching the Styles P CD from the kid’s hand): Styles P, eh? I’m sorry, mister, but this kid has a right to Styles P’s freedom of speech! There’s nothing I can do. I suggest you two just hug and make up in a victory for freedom!

Kid: Yo, I ain’t hearin’ none of that!

Old Man: WHAT? But he’s Satanic! And he threatened me with his barbecue grill!

Freedom Freek: Now now, back in the days when good old Herbert Hoover was controlling the forces, we could have stopped this youngster. But after the free love and sex and peace in the mud on brown acid, I’m just afraid we can’t enforce those rules.

Old Man: This is bullshit! (Just then the police arrive.)

Cop: All right, what’s going on here – what is that? Is that the new Styles P CD? Just put that down slowly and no one gets hurt!

Freedom Freek: I’m sorry officer, you can’t do that –

Cop: The hell I can’t! Take your Golden Age attitude and stuff it! This Styles P CD is a real detriment to our society! Kid, I’m taking you in!

Kid: The hell you are! Lemme ring my boyz and see what you think when they show up to – hey! (The cop slams the kid to the pavement and proceeds to read him his rights.)

Freedom Freek: That does it! Now I’ll have to show you some REAL justice!

Before Freedom Freek can knock the cop silly with his FREEDOM FINISHER ™, he is knocked out completely with a Tazer.

Freedom Freek: Yeowch!

Cop: Well, that’s two morons off the street! (Turning to the old man) Sir, I want to thank you for calling this in. Too many kids these days are wasting their lives away on deluded fantasies of murder and money. It’s too bad people like you can’t be more appreciated.

Old Man: No problem, officer! You just make sure you also confiscate his grill that he was going to kill me with! I don’t know where he’s hiding it, but I’m sure that little bastard has it somewhere on him!


~Jason Thompson