Just when I think that finally we are all coming together as blacks, whites and whatever other colors there are out there, my whole world gets rocked. First, I get an e-mail from a brother who says I am a typical white boy without rhythm and then Dusty Baker gives his wonderfully informative dissertation on why blacks and Latinos are better equipped to take the heat while we crackers can't stand the heat, but we love the cold!
I would like to focus on the brother's e-mail, though.
It's not very often you get an e-mail from a reader with which you can base an entire column on…but Charles from Orlando, Florida, sent me one of the most unintentionally hilarious e-mails I have ever received. As I was reading it, in between my rolls around the floor, I was pinching myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Like an Angel from the Writing Heavens, Charles was sent to me. I must thank him -- he gave me some of my edginess back. It's been missing ever since I found out that Larry King paints his bald spot.
Onto the fun and games.
A while ago, some of you may remember that ESPN had a contest looking for the "world's sexiest athlete." I focused on the women, for obvious reasons…. Well, apparently Charles, AKA "Chucky," didn't like my obvious choice of Anna Kournikova as the world's sexiest female athlete. Now look, I know Anna has lost some of her luster lately, but there's no denying she "is one hell of a sexy broad," as my boss Norb would say. The e-mail that Chucky sent was so good that I will give you each and every line and then I will give you my follow-up responses.
Before I get started, I am going with the assumption that Chucky is black. Why, you ask? It has something to do with the fact that he refers to me throughout his e-mail as "white boy."
Chucky starts out by writing,
"Your article, The Sexiest Female Athletes...the winners and losers", was typical white boy."
My question is this -- what is typical "white boy"? Get used to those two words -- Chucky loves to refer to us crackers as "white boys." It must empower him or something. Anyways, pointing out the strengths and weaknesses of sexy female athletes is "typical white boy"? I guess typical white boy is kinda normal, then. I wonder what definition Chucky would give to "typical black boy." I'm not touching that one.
"Your vote for Anna Kournikova as the sexist female athlete is a bad joke."
First of all, I want the record to show that I never referred to Anna as a "sexist," Chucky. In fact, Anna seems, thankfully, to be very fond of males -- never has she flashed (now that's a nice thought...) any signs of being sexist toward men. (Spell check doesn't have a brain, remember that, Chucky.) Secondly, you may disagree, you may hate my white ass, you may think Anna is just a dumb ugly cracker-ass whore…but to call the choice a bad joke? A better use of the King's English would have been "bad
choice." Remember that for future reference next time some whitey pisses you off.
"I have no idea what white boys see in Anna Kournikova"
Jesus Holy Christ. I haven't seen this many softballs since the last Larry King interview. Hmm…let's see…perfectly athletic body, slutty short skirts, perfect tan, beautiful blue eyes, luscious blond hair, a perfect face…yeah, I guess you have a point, Chucky. What the hell would anybody see in her?
"She is a mediocre tennis pro at best and the only reason that she is still playing pro tennis is because white boys such as yourself write about her non-sports activities."
She plays tennis? To quote Ed McMahon, " I did not know that." My point, Chucky? Who gives a crap about her tennis ability!
"The blond, blue-eyed, white supremacist paradigm of beauty does not work with most non-Caucasians."
Oh yeah? Have you ever been to an amusement park? Every brother I see has his arm wrapped around the gargantuan waist of a fat, blond, blue-eyed woman. Now let me get something straight here -- I have no problem with this at all. But facts are facts, Chucky.
"You obviously like pre-pubescent girls as sex objects."
Uhhhh…no. Anna would hardly be described as pre-pubescent, though a much better use of that term would be in describing your vision of female beauty, Chuck.
"Most men, men other than the men that worship blond, blue-eyed Caucasians, like women."
Wow! Now that's a quote of Corky-like proportions! "Most men like women," but if that woman happens to be a blond, blue-eyed Caucasian, then those men really don't like women? The gay population just shot up from about 2% to 95%, assuming that Chucky's statement proves factual.
"Anyway, you think WNBA women are ugly. Typical insecure white boy. I dated a WNBA player and believe me, she was sexy, hot, beautiful, and classy, unlike the slut of the tennis court, Anna Kournikova."
Good for you, Chucky! You found the one woman in the WNBA who prefers to date men rather than other women! You hit the jackpot, bro! Nothing but love for you on this one.
"I have attached a photo of Tamara Stocks, a former WNBA player. I guess she is 'big and ugly."
Finally the Chuckster makes a statement upon which we can both agree.
"A geeky, so-called sportswriter such as yourself would be intimidated by a taller than you, fit woman who could dunk on you."
You are correct, Chuck, but I don't think I'm alone here in admitting to the fact that I would be somewhat intimidated by a big, burly she-male dunkin' on my sorry cracker ass. I doubt there are many males out there clamoring for such "women."
Chuck ends his e-mail with this memorable quote: "Yes, Laila Ali should beat you like a drum. But of course, being a white boy, you probably have no rhythm."
Chuck, you seem to have quite the fetish for big, burly so-called women who enjoy dunking on white boys or beating them up. I am sorry to inform you that I'd prefer to have no part of this. If that's your "thang," Chuck, then so be it -- but keep us white boys who have no rhythm out of it.
I would like to conclude this column on a positive note. Chucky and I just so happen to prefer different strains of females. I have absolutely no problem with his fetish for big, burly dominatrixes. Just give me a nice looking blue-eyed blond in a short tennis skirt and I'm a happy white boy.
It's all good to the gracious, brother.
Can't we all just get along?
See more of Shawn at SportsTerminal.com,
and e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org!