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Must-See Gay TV and Teddy
by: Shawn Griffin from SportsTerminal.com
(e-mail)
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Thanks to my friend Tom, who told me he needs to read what I have in my obviously disturbed mind about some of today's headlines, I come to you today with two issues: gay-themed television and the ongoing Ted Williams fiasco. But before we get to the cases at hand, I was thinking about some of the comments my friends make to me about this ridiculous column I write. I'm starting to think that they look at my column as a gory car accident that they don't really want to happen, but once it does they just have to look. I'm not sure if I should be offended or honored. Yet I keep writing....
Okay, let's talk gay-themed TV. This is not the "must see TV" you and I grew up watching in the 1990s. No, ladies and gentlemen, the new "must see TV" doesn't include Kramer, Chandler and ER Doctors in Chicago...instead, it consists of gay men doing very gay things. Speaking of this, I must share with you an e-mail I received from the male synchronized swimmer I wrote about a while ago, Billy May. For those of you who don't remember, I wasn't too impressed with Billy's mission of becoming the first Olympic male synchronized swimmer and I used some harsh adjectives to describe him and his quest. Was it over the top? Of course, but that's why I get paid a nickel a column. I don't have any illusions that I am Rick Reilly or Dr. Z or a real writer. No, I am here to amuse you, that's all. Lighten up, live in the moment, and relax. For any of you who get fired up enough to send me an e-mail telling me what an idiot I am, keep them coming because they bring me joy, but after you're done, do yourself a favor and think loving thoughts. That's what I do after I read a Larry King column.
Okay, that's Dr. Shawn's advice for the day -- let's get back to Billy May and "Must Be Gay TV." Billy May took some time out of the pool and bathhouses to shoot me off an e-mail the other day. He wrote:
"I have to say I am flattered that you would take the time to write about me. It seems very amusing that you are that insecure to write about a guy in synchronized swimming. On the other hand, until you can do ANYTHING better than those you make fun of, you should find a new hobby. I am more athletic than you will ever be in and out of the water, and at the end of the day I know I don't need to make fun of someone to make my day complete. I met my fiancé in synchronized swimming, and that is reason enough to know I have no regrets. I will spend the rest of my life with a beautiful athlete. How about you?"
I have to admit, I felt a twinge of sadness and shame after I read Billy's e-mail. Did I go too far when I wrote, "Next time one of your friends does something 'not so masculine,' feel free to call him a Billy May..."? Or was it too much when the following words came from my keyboard: "A 23-year-old synchronized swimmer, he has chosen the sing-along crescendos of 'The Impossible Dream' for his solo routine this year. I am not sure if the title of that song is referring to his fledgling synchronized swimming career or thoughts of his penis ever getting excited at the sight of a woman...."? Or maybe I should have refrained from writing, "How about the USA Today sports page a few weeks ago? I open it up to a photo of a clown named Bill May, who is attempting to break into that sport that all of us male weekend athletes dream about -- synchronized swimming..."?
But after the initial feelings of shame, I let it go and I felt good again. I wish you luck, Billy. Maybe I was too hard on you (pardon the pun). But one question remains unanswered: Is the beautiful athlete you will spend the rest of your life with a female or...oh just forget it. Good luck Bill. As Forrest Gump says, "That's all I have to say about that."
Okay, on to Gay Television. Let me make one thing perfectly clear before I am slandered with the "homophobe" label. I have absolutely no problem with homos. I really don't. As far as I'm concerned, you're born that way and there isn't much you can do about it and nobody should be treated any differently because of the way they were born. That being said, why am I bombarded with gay men prancing around the screen every time I turn on the TV? "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" is the leader of this new TV genre. I must admit, it's actually very watchable. I know I am going to take a lot of abuse for making that statement, but contrary to what Billy May said about me, I am secure with myself. I can detach myself from what I'm watching and I can look at it objectively.
"Boy meets Boy" is another of the gay-themed shows. This one I don't understand. It's a gay version of "The Bachelor" with a twist -- James, the gay bachelor, chooses between 15 men, but not all are gay and he doesn't know this. Let me go on record -- if you agree to be on a TV show in which you are one of 15 other men a gay guy can choose from in order to date...then you just might be gay. Seriously. I am going to take it a step further. You are gay.
So why I am taking time out of your valuable day to discuss this issue? Here it is -- what bothers me is the fact that this stuff is jammed down our throats and if somebody doesn't like it, they're just homophobic. I disagree. If this "ain't your thang, baby," then you're not doing anything wrong. Don't let the politically correct thugs make you feel bad for feeling what comes naturally. If you don't like watching gay men on TV, there's nothing wrong with you. You're normal. You're not the freak show.
Okay, on to the real freak show -- John Henry and Claudia Williams -- the son and daughter, respectively, of Ted Williams. I am so nauseated by what these absolute morons are doing to the memory of Ted Williams that I am finding it difficult to even write about it. For those of you who don't know what's happening, let me tell you. According to last week's issue of Sports Illustrated, after his death, Ted Williams' head was decapitated by surgeons for the purpose of preserving his body. His head is stored in a steel can filled with liquid nitrogen -- it's been shaved, drilled with holes, and accidentally cracked 10 times. His body stands upright in a nine-foot tall steel tank filled with liquid nitrogen. There's more. Eight samples of his DNA are missing. Who is responsible for this? That's right, his son, John Henry, and his daughter Claudia.
As Bonasera, the funeral director in "The Godfather," says to the Don after his daughter is assaulted by some thugs, "Don Corleone, give me justice!" What this human debris is doing to the body of their father is criminal. Where is the justice? Where in the hell is Luca Brasi when you need him? Why are these two allowed to safely walk the streets? Something I will never understand is why the nuts out there don't stalk and go after people like John and Claudia or O.J. or somebody else who is a stain on society. Instead we have nuts going after innocent people. It's time for justice.
That's all I have to say about that.
See more of Shawn at SportsTerminal.com,
and e-mail him at shawng@sportsterminal.com!
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