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The Incredibly Crappy Hulk movie and the best of the worst in sports
by: Shawn Griffin from SportsTerminal.com
(e-mail)
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Last Saturday night, after a few nights of heavy alcohol consumption with visiting Sportsterminal Network host Chris Andersen, I decided to undergo my own version of detox. Realizing that I had tickets to the Cubs/White Sox game at Wrigley the next day, where it's basically a sin not to drink heavily, I figured Saturday night would be a good night to lay off the booze (Mom, if you're reading this, remember, I am just playing a character when I write this stuff, none of it's true). So I decided to ask a couple friends to a movie. The new "Hulk" picture (why do actors refuse to call them "movies"? It's either "picture" or "film" when they are interviewed. This always bugs me. I don't know why, it just does…) was out and, wanting to spend at least one night not stuck in the clutches of 10 too many Amstel Lights, I called a couple of my friends whose social life rivals that of strict nuns based in Anchorage in January, and asked if they wanted to go see the Hulk "film." Of course they wanted to go. What the hell else were they going to do?
So off we went.
Before I discuss the movie, is it only in Chicago where they now have vendors in the actual theatre where you're sitting down selling everything from mozzarella sticks to deep-fried shrimp? When did they start doing this? There were about five pimple-faced high school kids running around the aisles yelling, "Get your chicken wings!"…"Mozzarella sticks!" It was about as annoying as Warren Crap being interviewed. Could you imagine eating chicken wings at a movie? Shrimp? Are they serious? If some dude starts manging on chicken wings next to me at a movie, I'll strangle him. I am not joking. I wonder what geniuses decided that this was a good idea? Probably the same guy who advised the Cubs to trade Dontrelle Willis for Six Fingers Alfonseca and Matt Clement.
On to the movie.
First of all, the beginning, middle and end were all slow. The animated character who plays Hulk was simply a pumped-up Shrek with hair. While waiting for the movie to pick up, I decided to catch up on some sleep (my best move of the night). I fell fast asleep as Hulk was jumping around the desert, which made no sense to me since they were in Northern California, not Southern. But anyways, he's jumping around as though he's on a trampoline, flying though the air like a bouncing green bean. I woke up a while later, and he's jumping around the desert again. I still have no idea why he was doing this. Nick Nolte plays his Dad in this movie, and I swear the only reason he's in it is because his agent sought out a part for the guy in which he would have to look like an old, decrepit, disgusting, scary drunk. Yes, kind of like his mug shot. His agent wants people to remember him IN THIS MOVIE looking like a drunken idiot, not as he was photographed by the police after drinking his body weight in alcohol and getting pulled over for a DUI. He looked all "Nolted Up" in this movie, which he probably was after reading the script and being forced by his agent to play the part. Even now, days after I wasted three hours of my life and $8.75 on this monstrosity, I still don't know who was bad and who was good. Sam Elliott and the secretive U.S. military were the bad guys one moment, then the Nolted One was the next. I didn't get this movie. I didn't "not get it" in a Matrix-type of way -- I simply didn't get it because it was so bad. It was to the comic books what Sinbad is to stand-up comedy…an utter disgrace. Speaking of Sinbad, am I the only one in this world who broke up with a girl because she told me she thought Sinbad was funny? I tried to get that comment out of my head but never could. I had to break up with her. How could I be intimate with a person who thought Sinbad was funny? If she said I was good in bed, was I really not that good? These are the questions that kept me up at night. I had to end it.
Back to the movie and my point here.
The people who made "Hulk" took something great and just ruined it. I don't say this about all comic books made into major motion pictures -- I mean, I loved the last Spiderman movie. I read the Hulk comic books as a kid…but the movie that was made out of it was BRUTAL. Those who made it should be shot. I am kidding. But they should at least be caned by the Singapore Police.
Taking something good and ruining it. That's my focus here. I want to look at the worst of the best. Just as the movie Hulk was the worst of the best comic book hero, in my eyes, let's take a look at the worst of the best in sports.
Baseball
Roger Clemens. Can there be a bigger asshole in all of baseball than this guy? I am not a Red Sox fan, but the way he treats those sorry fans for supporting him for all those years while he was in Boston is a disgrace. The way he hits opposing batters, all the while staying out of a National League uniform out of fear of retaliation, is a disgrace. The way he puts his teammates at risk with his headhunting is a disgrace. The way the league office refuses to "bring him in" as they do with anybody else who pitches inside is a disgrace. I despise this guy, can you tell? But I can't say anything about his talent. Who can?
Football
Terrell Owens. Don't give me this "the community likes him" crap. That's what my friend Mike, a huge 'Niner fan, says. Of course they do. If he was on my team, I would love this guy. But he's not, which means he gets a slot on my "Worst of the Best" list. He's a great wide receiver. Awesome. But as a person, he's about as bright and likeable as Luco Brasi. I was at the playoff game in San Fran last January against the Giants. Right in front of everybody, this idiot jeopardizes the game by smacking a Giant DB, who idiotically retaliates, resulting in the dreaded "offsetting penalties." I think they should change that rule, by the way. The team of the player who starts it should at least be penalized 10 more yards. Are you listening to me, competition committee? T.O. is a D.I.C.K. on my list.
Former superstars
Jose Canseco. This guy had 462 home runs in the big leagues. In his prime, he was one of the most feared hitters around. Is it okay to include mentally deranged individuals on this list? The guy is on house arrest and he violates his parole by taking steroids, even though he knows he's going to be tested? In the midst of all this, he weighs in on the Sosa corked bat controversy? That's like Michael Moore commenting on fat people suing McDonald's. JUST SHUT UP and GO AWAY! Both of you!
Owners
George Steinbrenner. You can't argue with all of his World Championships. But you can argue that this guy is the worst of the best. One of my all time favorite sports moments is when the Cleveland Indians knocked the Yankees out of the playoffs in 1997 and they showed Steinbrenner leaving his suite before the game was over, in total disgust, wearing his ridiculous turtleneck. I'm not sure why I remember what he was wearing, I just do. It was a beautiful sight.
Start of the NFL season
One of only two things that, as an adult, give me that same anticipation I used to get as a kid right before Christmas includes the start of the NFL season every year. I waste money on every preview magazine, I donate $250 bucks a year to my fantasy league, I buy jerseys, hats…I am the NFL's dream consumer. That being said, the start of every NFL season also brings us some moronic
NFL team slogans that are dreamed up by some team marketing geniuses. This probably could be its own column, but I want to focus on one this year -- the slogan for the Miami Dolphins: "Out for Vengeance." My brother Kevin, who lives in Miami, called me while he was driving and put the phone to the radio speaker so I could hear the Miami Dolphins spot on local radio there, and let me tell you, not only was putting the phone up to the speaker while driving unsafe, laughing hysterically while driving, which I did, is not safe, either. The commercial is all about "vengeance," and it ends with newly acquired LB Junior Seau talking about "taking vengeance" on the NFL this season. It's as though somehow the NFL screwed them over last season. It looks to me like the only ones they should be taking vengeance on is themselves, and maybe their coach for still having that ridiculous 1970s male porn star 'stache. They pulled one of the all-time biggest choke jobs last season by losing their last two games to two non-playoff teams. Vengeance? Sure, Miami. Take it out on yourselves.
NBA
Pat Riley. He's won numerous NBA Titles. He's won more than 1,000 career games as a head coach. He was awesome…but now? He sucks. He turns teams into molasses with his slow-down, boring, half-court style of play. He simply can't relate to today's players. He hasn't won a title since Ronald Reagan was in office. He's done.
Broadcasting
Dick Engberg. I swear this guy is a robot that's turned on and off for the games. He's like Don Criqui -- he's been around for years and hasn't said a memorable thing in all that time. It seems like he's been around forever, and that's why he's the worst of the best. He's probably in some broadcasting Hall of Fame somewhere. I'm convinced that my grandchildren are going to listen to this guy in about 50 years, and he'll still have the same goofy look and mannerisms…because he's a robot. Dick must be doing something besides Dick, though, because he makes the list.
See more of Shawn at SportsTerminal.com,
and e-mail him at shawng@sportsterminal.com!
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