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Sports: can't live with 'em or without 'em
by: Shawn Griffin from SportsTerminal.com
(e-mail)
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Did you ever get so frustrated about something that you just started to laugh hysterically rather than let it bother you to the point of total anger? Or are you sane, unlike me?
Why do I bring this up? Because of sports. Sports is kind of like love. It can be totally great and make you feel as high as you can legally be…or it can rip your heart out and make you want to vomit.
With this little space on the Internet, I am going to focus on the frustrating (in my mind) aspects of sports. I am going to tell you about occurrences in sports that make me seethe with anger -- kind of like falling in love with a girl you think is a dream but turns out to be a little slut…(we've all experienced this, just admit it, you'll feel much better).
These occurrences vary, however. Some irritate me just a bit while others bust blood vessels throughout my body. Therefore, I came up with the Griffin Angry Scale (appropriately simplified for the rest of the column as the GAS Scale -- I know that the word "scale" is repeated, but get over it. It's just another one of my ridiculous, meaningless columns -- this isn't brain surgery. Lives will not be lost due to this little grammatical faux-pas).
Alas, I bring you the guide to the GAS Scale.
(1-3) on the GAS Scale: If something is 1-3 on the GAS Scale, it's not that bad. I may scowl a bit and talk to myself about it, but it's not worthy of bringing it up in any conversation with a buddy.
(4-6) on the GAS Scale: These things get me kind of ticked. I may yell at the dog or call a friend and bitch about it, but I won't think about it at night while lying in bed.
(7-9) on the GAS Scale: I'm pissed. I'll tell myself I am not a fan of sports anymore and I'll be consumed with images of sports being filled with a bunch of greedy thugs who should just go straight to hell. I often wish some type of physical harm on the culprits of whatever is making me mad.
(10) on the GAS Scale: I'm angrier than a hornet. I can't sleep a full night because I'm thinking about it. Sometimes I am so pissed I will make a call to the front office of a team or league and yell at some innocent secretary. I may not watch that sport for weeks at a time because of whatever the problem happens to be.
Let's start with those items at the moment that are 1-3 on the GAS Scale:
The ineptness of Mike Tice (2)
This guy was hit one too many times in the noggin when he played in the NFL. Did you ever see an interview with him? He's a complete moron. He instills about as much confidence in Viking fans as Bill Clinton does in the sanctity of marriage. One of the best moments of the NFL Draft last weekend was when, in the midst of Tice and his gang of dolts not getting their pick in on time, ESPN cut away to the Vikings Draft Party. The fans had incredulous looks on their faces…like they had just been told that the hot girl they were dating is a man who had a sex change. And then, when the Vikes finally did make their pick (two slots down from where they were supposed to), a fan ripped off his purple Vikings hat and threw it at the big screen. It was a scene I will not soon forget. It was definitely the highlight of the draft. By the way, the Vikes chose DL Kevin Williams with that pick, who was last seen returning kicks for Dallas in the mid 1990s, but decided to go back to school, bulk up a bit, and wait for an idiot like Tice to choose him.
Bad Announcers (3)
I work in Chicago so I get the distinct pleasure of listening to a guy named Hawk Harrelson broadcast the Chicago White Sox games. I honestly believe he is the single worst announcer in any sport in any league in the history of broadcasting. He's such a homer -- even some Sox fans find him totally repugnant. Here are some examples of his work: When an opposing player strikes out, he yells into the microphone, "HE'S GONE!" or "GRAB SOME BENCH!" During crucial points in the game -- let's just say Magglio Ordonez is up and the Sox need a run -- he will say things like, "C'Mon Mags, just once…." And it's never "Magglio Ordonez," it's "MAGS" or "THE BIG HURT" (Frank Thomas) or "D-J" (D'Angelo Jimenez) or "PAULIE" (Paul Konerko). This annoys me to no end. I actually root for the other team, regardless of who it is, just because I despise this guy so much. If the other team happens to hit a home run or score a run, he sits there silently for a moment and, in a barely audible tone will tell you what just occurred. This guy is the absolute WORST! I say to him, GRAB SOME BENCH, JERK-OFF!
Shaq, Phil Jackson, Celebrity Fans and the Lakers (3)
I hate the Lakers. I absolutely can't stand anything about this team. From Phil Jackson and his smug attitude all the way down to the clichéd "goofy white boy who can't dance but makes the brothers laugh" Mark Madsen to Rick Fox and his flopping…and if they show Jack Nicholson wearing those damn sunglasses inside the Stapler again, I am going to rip the hair off my legs. I know this is an old, boring argument, but just once I want Jackson to coach a team without two future Hall of Famers. Please shove the "Triangle" up your ass, Phil, the "Rectangle" or "Pyramid" -- whatever the hell they are -- would work just as well if players like Michael Jordan, Shaq, Kobe Bryant or Scottie Pippen were running it….
Let's move on to the next level (4-6) on the GAS Scale.
Daniel Snyder and his player contracts (6)
This guy is single-handedly screwing up the salary structure in the NFL. I am nearly convinced that he's a double-agent, put in his ownership position by some of the more powerful agents like Arn Tellem, Drew Rosenhaus and Leigh Steinberg. How else do you explain why he gave Laveranues Coles a $13 million signing bonus? Coles is a nice player, but by no means is he even a top-five receiver. Then he signs a backup running back, Chad Morton, to an $8 million contract. What does this mean? It means guys like second-string back Jamel White of the Browns and others think they're underpaid, so they ask for more money and point to guys like Morton…which drives their price up…causing discord in the clubhouse. Thanks, Danny-Boy! Because of you, I wish no luck to the 'Skins as long as you're the owner.
Analysts giving out NFL draft grades the day of or right after the draft (6)
Okay look -- I love reading draft magazines, draft Websites and draft analysis as much as anybody. But it really bothers me when some idiot grades every single team's performance in the draft…before the draftee ever even puts on a stinkin' pad! Here are some examples: This is from a writer from the Sportsnetwork - "Headscratcher: Oakland's selection of CB Nnamdi Asomugha (Cal) with the 31st overall pick. Many draftniks were scratching their heads when Paul Tagliabue stammered to pronounce this guy's name, but the former Cal standout has great size and a huge upside." Okay, so the guy has "great size and a huge upside"…but since Tags (as Hawk Harrelson would call him) couldn't pronounce his name, this pick is a "headscratcher"? Pete Prisco from CBS Sportsline had this to write: "Baltimore got an impact pass rusher (Terrell Suggs), a franchise quarterback (Kyle Boller) and a terrific runner (Musa Smith) with its first three picks." I guess our good friend Pete is a latter-day Sports Nostradaumas, huh? Who the hell knows what Suggs is going to do? He weighs about 260 pounds soaking wet. He may be good, but who is to say he will be an "impact rusher"? Kyle Boller a "franchise quarterback"? Please, the guy couldn't even complete 50% of his passes in college and he's being called a franchise quarterback? Ridiculous. Some day he may be a great quarterback, but to call him that right now is ludicrous.
Now we move on to the big boys: (7-9) and (10) on the GAS Scale.
Mini-Van Drivers (7)
I know this has nothing to do with sports, but mini-van drivers are simply the worst. I see a mini-van and I get the hell out of the way. Mini-vans should be banned from this country. You can't see around them when you're behind one of them, they drive too slow, they pull out right in front of you without regard for anybody's safety, and they are usually driven by a woman -- I mean, a person -- on a cell phone with screaming brats in the back seat. As Billy Crystal would say, it's simply not fun.
The State of Major League Baseball (8)
I can't believe the sport I grew up watching is such a disgrace these days. Growing up, I loved watching "This Week in Baseball" on Saturday mornings and then going out with my buddies trying to imitate what we just watched, then heading back in to watch the "Game of the Week" on NBC. There weren't any "small" or "big" markets…GM's didn't talk about "payroll flexibility"…the Yankees didn't have
seven starters on their roster. I honestly believe that the Yankees should win the World Series every year now -- if they don't, it's a total embarrassment. The spineless owners should have insisted on some type of revenue-sharing/salary cap plan last season. Instead they caved to the evil Donald Fehr and now the Yankees have to pay a tiny luxury tax bill…and Gutless Bud acts as though all of the problems in baseball have been solved. Meanwhile, the Yankees and some of the other bigger market teams make so much money that this extra "tax" they pay if they are over the salary limit is nothing to them. I don't even know why Yankee fans would like this. It's like rooting for a college kid playing pee-wee football with a bunch of little kids. Screw the Yankees. Screw Donald and Bud. Screw Steinbrenner. Screw Major League Baseball.
Anna Nicole Smith and Monica Lewinsky (10)
These two fat, worthless bitches have the collective I.Q. of a mildly retarded dog. How they
both have their own television shows is beyond my realm of comprehension. Doesn't Lewinsky feel any shame at all in blowing Bill in the Oval Office? Is she proud of this? She should hide her big ugly head (no pun intended) in shame. Every time I see her, she has this dopey look (bad dopey, not good dopey -- a good dopey look example would be Tara Reid) on her face, as though she's oblivious to the embarrassment for which she was half responsible. On to Big Anna. I tried to watch her show on the E! (which I refer to as E?) Network and I could barely make it through 15 minutes. She runs around with this bottom-feeder named Howard K. Stern and something else that calls itself a female. It's torture watching this crap when you think of all the talented entertainers out there who are waiting tables while these two worthless bimbos are making money in show business….
Well there you have it. The first of what will be many installments of the GAS Scale.
As usual, send me your own and I'll pick out the best ones and have a READER ANGRY SCALE! We'll call it the RAS Scale (Red Ass Scale).
I love sports!
See more of Shawn at SportsTerminal.com,
and e-mail him at shawng@sportsterminal.com!
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