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Larry's back: Griffin ALA King!
by: Shawn Griffin from SportsTerminal.com
(e-mail)
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Let me start this off by telling you the following: If you are Larry King or if you are one of his fans, please stop reading this now. It will cause you nothing but angst and disgust. For those of you who don't like King and agree with me that he should be in the Broadcasting Hall of Shame, rather than Fame, read on, my friends….
You can't keep the Man down long.
Larry King, hero of dolts everywhere, a man who proves that talent is not a requirement for success, a broadcaster who regularly asks the tough questions ("What is your favorite color?"), a man who continually has picked the Miami Dolphins to win the Super Bowl and the Baltimore Orioles to win the World Series for 25-straight years…is back in the sports writing business.
Unintentional comedy -- which is by far better than the intentional stuff -- is back along with it.
First, let's discuss the notion of unintentional comedy.
As I told a friend of mine the other day after he verbally reprimanded me for listening to a CD of rapper Fifty Cent, I don't listen to it because I like it, I listen to it for the unintentional comedy. Only a thug rapper could come up with a line like this:
"I love you like a fat kid loves Cake."
You could get the best writers out there and never would they write a sentence that says so much, yet so little, in such a simplistic way.
Larry King is the "King" of unintentional comedy in journalism. When the USA Today took his weekly column away from him a couple years ago, there was sadness in the Griffin compound. No longer could my brothers and I call each other after reading his column each week and discuss the utter stupidity and disgrace this man brought to sports, and journalism, in general.
Well, guess what? He's BAAAAACK!
Much to my surprise and absolute delight, I stumbled across what will be Larry's regular column (every Wednesday) on SI.com.
Some genius at SI.com made the highly intelligent decision to give Larry a weekly sports column on the site. I am still debating in my mind whether or not this person gave Larry a column because:
a) This person thought Larry had some good sports insights (doubtful);
b) Larry has some secret information that this person, in 1989, called Pauly Shore a comedic genius who will make more money in the movie business than Steve Martin, Chevy Chase and Eddie Murphy combined (plausible); or…
c) This person figured SI.com would get readers like myself who like to read the mindless garbage Larry writes purely for the unintentional comedy factor (likely).
The dynamics of how this monumental decision was made may never be told publicly, but regardless, let's just be give thanks that the Lizard-like creature is back among us with his sports opinions…which brings me to this week's column.
I have good news for you. Now that Larry King is with us every Wednesday, I will be with you at least every week to discuss King's weekly column titled, "Sports ALA King" (how catchy, huh? Those people at CNN/SI really are brilliant). I am going to call it "Griffin ala King" (now
that's brilliant).
Larry not only brings you some random thoughts, but he actually breaks his drivel down into categories. Let's take a look at them and then I will comment on his ridiculous assertions and thoughts….
Predictions. Larry commences his column this week by giving us second-round NBA playoff predictions. This little treasure chest distilled the following passage:
"I like Detroit a lot, but I like Allen Iverson even better. He's a one man show and that show will be held over."
What an analysis. Larry likes the Pistons "a lot" without telling us why…but they won't win because the goofy one likes Allen Iverson "even better." I know who to put my money on now that Larry says he likes Allen Iverson better than the Pistons. How about Larry's clever use of the show business terminology? Allen Iverson is a "one man show" and "that show will be held over." I bet he's very proud of that one.
Larry then discusses the Nets-Celtics series:
"The New Jersey Nets should prevail over a tough Boston Celtics' squad in six games. The Nets just have better personality in the top seven slots. Like the other series, it should be hard-fought and tenacious."
Where do I start? First of all, that's the first time anybody discussing basketball has used the term "top seven slots" to describe the top seven PLAYERS of a team. Secondly, why in the hell would it matter that the "top seven slots" have "better personalities"? Was he trying to write "better personnel"? It's hard to tell with Larry. If he was an intelligent member of the media, I would just assume that his editor didn't do a very good job. But this is King. He's as bright as a toothless two-dollar whore at midnight. Does he really think if a player has a better personality that said player is therefore a better player? In his world, maybe so. How about Larry's use of the cliché, "it should be hard-fought and tenacious."? Way to go out on a limb there, Larry. Two evenly matched teams in the second round of the playoffs partaking in a "hard-fought and tenacious" series? That's never happened before….
Next, Larry goes to the old Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down card. This is a useful trick that writers use when they don't have anything meaningful to write. In Larry's case, it's a common occurrence. He gives the "thumbs up" to Oakland Athletics GM Billy Beane
"for the absolutely terrific job he's doing with the Oakland A's." All I can say is…WHAT INSIGHT! He also gives the "thumbs up" to
"U.S. officials who are making a strong bid to host the women's soccer World Cup. It should be here." This is the liberal side of Larry coming out. He has to do something to please the short-haired members of the National Organization for Women who read his column. Who cares if the U.S. is trying to get the women's World Cup to be played here? Anybody? Anybody? Buehler? Is this really worthy of even being mentioned?
Let's move on to the "thumbs down" list that Larry compiled. He gives a thumbs down to
"radio sports talk show hosts who are always angry and putting down something or the other. You have to wonder if they really like sports." Larry loves to do this. He has a specific radio personality in mind with this one, but he's too gutless to name him. Larry, the reason that some radio personalities sometimes are "putting down something or the other" is because so many sports figures need to be "put down." Did you object to radio hosts "putting down" John Rocker a few years back after he made his stupid comments? Is it so terribly bad to "put down" the ridiculous economic disparity prevalent in Major League Baseball? Larry, unlike yourself, some people have rational, intelligent opinions which they deem acceptable for public consumption. Sometimes these opinions may include "putting down something or the other." Deal with it, chicken ALA King.
Next up, Larry gives us King's Things. Number one on the list of "King's Things" is the Kentucky Derby. Larry writes:
"I had a grand time at the Kentucky Derby, even though my horse, Atswhatimtalkinabout, finished fourth. He was easily the best down the stretch and in three more jumps would have won the whole thing. Watch him carefully in the Belmont Stakes."
I'm glad Larry had a "grand" time at the Derby. I think the last time I heard the word "grand" to describe something other than a thousand bucks was when my great-great-great Grandmother described her time at the ball and I was merely a twinkle in the eyes of my unborn grandparents…. That being said, why is Larry even allowed to enter a horse track? This is the same guy who had so many gambling debts in the 1970s that he stole money from a friend and was arrested for theft. Now he's at the Derby, bettin' on the ponies. Ladies and gentlemen, hide your wallets -- Larry's in the house!
Let's go to number 3 on the list of King's Things. Larry gives his unique take on the 'Michael Jordan leaving the Wizards' story. He writes:
"If Michael Jordan does sever his relationship with the Wizards…don't be shocked if he hooks up with Robert Johnson's Charlotte expansion team."
Who would possibly be "shocked" if Jordan leaves (which he did) and hooks up with the Charlotte franchise (which he will)? If Larry had a working brain, what he would have written would have been something along these lines: "If M.J. severs his relationship with the Wizards, I would be shocked if he
doesn't land in Charlotte with the new expansion franchise…since he's from North Carolina and all."
Finally, Larry ends his column with a section called "Mail, Larry." Now let me take a step back from ripping on Larry so I can rip on some real true-blue morons. That's right. There is human life out there that can match (dim) wits with Larry and lose. I know it's tough, but it can be done. Case in point, the following people -- Nancy Medici, Kay Stevens and Pete Yorn -- actually took time out of their day to send Larry King an e-mail with a sports-related question. The question begs to be asked: what exactly went wrong in their lives that they now resort to sending questions to Larry King? Are they mental defects? Surely they must be. I don't want to bore you with all of their questions, but I have to tell you about Kay's query because its stupidity surprised even me. She asks King:
"What do you think of the decision to use baseball's All-Star Game to decide which team has home field advantage in the World Series? I think they should just play for a large sum of money, winner take all." -Kay Stevens, Milwaukee
Larry responds:
"Your idea of playing for a huge sum of money has some merit, but it would sure be a heckuva night with beanballs and injury-risking plays."
First of all, what the hell is Larry trying to say? Does he think these guys are going to really go that nuts over a few more bucks? Will this automatically make the All-Star pitchers throw at batters just because the winner gets some extra cash? Are the players going to put their seasons and careers on the line by making "injury-risking plays" (whatever that means) for extra money? Does Larry truly believe this or is he simply doing what he does best -- kissing ass?
On to Kay.
I hope this woman doesn't procreate. This country has enough idiots running around -- we don't need any more Kays walking the streets. "They should just play for a large sum of money, winner take all…." You cannot be serious, Kay! These guys make more money in one month than most people make in their lifetimes! Could you imagine watching the game and rooting for Barry Bonds or Alex Rodriguez, saying things like, "Boy, I hope Alex hits a homer to win this game, he'll get an extra 100 GRAND to go with his $25 million this year… Yes! Go Alex!" The reason Major League Baseball is making the winner get home field advantage is because the ratings are down. I don't think MLB would like to promote the game with ads touting that "the winning team of pampered multimillionaires gets more money! Tune in to the Summer Classic tonight!"
Her "decision has merit"? Yes, about as much merit as the decision to give Larry King a weekly sports column on SI.com.
That being said, I, for one, am glad Larry's back.
See more of Shawn at SportsTerminal.com,
and e-mail him at shawng@sportsterminal.com!
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