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The State of the NHL
by: Shawn Griffin from SportsTerminal.com
(e-mail)
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Each season, the commissioners of professional sports leagues hold what they refer to as a "State of the League" address. This is usually conducted during the respective league's All-Star game or at the league championship game. What occurs at these meetings is about as original and truthful as listening to Iraqi Information Minister Al Sahhaf (Baghdad Bob) describe how the coalition forces are being routed all over Iraq…. With this in mind, and with the NHL playoffs underway, I am going to give you some real quotes from NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman's address, given in February, and what he meant to say for his "State of the NHL" address…so, as Sportsterminal Network host David Stein would say, relax and grab a beer…(or something like that).
Commissioner Bettman: "This weekend we celebrate the diversity of the player pool and the passion of our fan base…"
What he meant: "I have to use the word 'diversity' in every address I give about the game. I don't want the politically correct police harassing my ass if I don't use this word -- even though the NHL is about as "diverse" as a KKK meeting. I mean, if you count players from Eastern European countries and Canadian provinces as different "races," then hell yes, we are very diverse. If you don't, then pass the burning cross. As far as our fan base is concerned, I don't even know if we have one. The only people I know who go to games get their tickets through corporate giveaways. Our fan base is about as large as Calista Flockhart's ass.
Commissioner Bettman: "We just announced the NHL 7th Man Award to conduct a worldwide search for the fan of the year. The winner will be Commissioner for a day, which is a day I certainly will enjoy. They'll also get to drop the puck at Game One of the Stanley Cup Finals."
What he meant: "One of our biggest corporate sponsor's kids will be 'selected' as the 7th Man Award winner. This snotty, spoiled little brat will have to be a 'fan; from our biggest sponsor because I need to keep these people happy. Boy, I am really looking forward to that day…."
Commissioner Bettman: "Mario Lemieux got off to a breathtaking start with 68 points in 41 games. We obviously hope he will be back soon."
What he meant: "I bet more people in Pittsburgh can name the Steelers' water boy than can name Mario Lemieux, let alone any other player on the Penguins."
Commissioner Bettman: "The top six players in plus-minus are Dallas Stars. The Stars also lost just two games at home in their first 24 contests at American Airlines Center."
What he meant: "More people in Dallas care about the bowel movements of their favorite Dallas Cowboy than they do about what the hell the Stars do. Until we figure out a way to turn that puck into a football, and find some hot blondes to cheerlead on skates, our fan base in this town will dwindle as quickly as a bag of weed placed in front of a Portland Trail Blazer."
Commissioner Bettman: "Ten different players mounted scoring streaks of 10 games or more, and that's four more than all last
season."
What he meant: "I would love to name them, but for the life of me, I can't even pronounce their names. Every last one of 'em has the personality of a doorknob and the charisma of Bob Dole. Do you still wonder why we have problems with this league? Great One, where are you when we need ya?"
Commissioner Bettman: "And I remain convinced, and we are consistently demonstrating, that ours is the most meaningful, the most impactful regular season of any sport…every game matters."
What he meant: "The statement that our season is the 'most impactful of any league' was about as truthful as Michael Jackson telling the world he hasn't done anything to turn his skin white. That being said, I am going to keep repeating crap like this until it becomes true."
Commissioner Bettman: "Attendance is strong, and in a recessionary economy with an extremely crowded entertainment marketplace, our fan support is outstanding."
What he meant: "Are you kidding me? Our biggest competition during the winter season is the NBA -- a league filled, for the most part, with stoned thugs and big geeky foreigners. Why we can't build and maintain a stronger fan base is what keeps me up at night."
Commissioner Bettman: "Twenty years ago we averaged 13,000 people a game. Ten years ago we averaged 14,000 people a game. We will be at about 16,500 per game this season. Do I see empty seats in certain arenas? Of course I do. I see some teams are up and some are down, but this is the way attendance works for us, when we're setting records and when we're not. That's what we see year after year…that's the way attendance always works."
What he meant: "Our growth is about as stagnant as Enron stock. We've gone from like five teams to about 45 the last 20 years, yet interest in this sport grows about as fast as hair on Larry David's head. Maybe if I start to ramble on and on about 'that's just the way it is,' people will tune out what I'm saying. I can't believe I took this job."
Commissioner Bettman: "Trevor Linden, President of the Player's Association, made an interesting comment the other day…and I agree with him."
What he meant: "There you go, Trevor, I said something nice about you. You better remember that during contract negotiations, you little twit."
Commissioner Bettman: "Business on the revenue side is very good, although I would always like it to be better, but business on the expense side is very challenging…."
What he meant: "Let's see how many idiots I can fool with this one. I wonder if there are any morons out there who will think that business on the revenue side and business on the expense side are mutually exclusive?"
Commissioner Bettman: "…other than that, I'll be happy to take your questions."
What he meant: "Great, now I have to take questions from a media that has the intelligence level of Stuttering John…. And that's the State of the NHL, folks. Now leave me alone."
See more of Shawn at SportsTerminal.com,
and e-mail him at shawng@sportsterminal.com!
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