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Contraction may not be a bad thing by: Shawn Griffin from SportsTerminal.com	Pg 1 of 1

Since baseball is talking of "contraction," I came up with my own list of sports contractions. If I was made sports commissioner for a day, I would contract and, at the same time, promote some of the things I think would make the sports world -- and life for that matter -- more interesting. Here are the athletes, owners, coaches, traditions, etc., that I would contract to the dustbin of life...I also took the time to find some replacements for them…. Contract -- Tom Arnold The "Best Damn Sports Show Period"? More like, "The Biggest Waste of My Time Since I Went to That WNBA game." This guy is still hanging around. His marriage to Roseanne failed (one of his better moments, actually), his acting career failed, and now here he is on Fox with a stupid show that tries to entertain but comes up about 99 yards short. Go back to secondary roles in B movies, Tommy boy. Promote -- Jay Mohr This guy cracks me up. He knows pop culture, babes, movies, music…he's a walking Maxim magazine. In addition, and most importantly, the dude knows sports like no other non-sports related celebrity I have ever known. He would be a much better fit on Monday Night Football than moronic Dennis Miller. Contract -- The Seinfeld supporting cast They had so much potential. First it was Michael Richards (Kramer) with "The Michael Richards Show." It lasted about three months. Then it was Jason Richards (Costanza) with the "Bob Patterson Show." Brutal. That's the only word that comes to mind when I think of that show. The count is 0-2. Up next is Julia Louis-Dreyfus with a new show debuting in 2002 called "22 Minutes with Eleanor Riggs." Just the title tells me that strike three is on its way. Promote -- Larry David Larry was the original writer for Seinfeld and currently stars and writes for the hit show, "Curb Your Enthusiasm" on HBO. George Costanza's character on Seinfeld was based on this guy. The show is a riot. It's the type of show that actually comes close to making me laugh, something that a sit-com has not done since the last Seinfeld episode. Way to go, L.D. I knew something good would come of the greatest show in the history of television. Contract -- Dan Snyder, Redskins owner Has this guy done anything right since he took over the 'Skins? The answer is a resounding NO. He charges his own fans to see the sorry-ass Redskins in training camp. He stops practice by helicoptering in right in the middle of drills. Here's what he should do: Buy an Arena Football League team, learn how to be an owner, and then get back in the game. Promote -- Al Lerner, Browns owner He didn't sell the naming rights to the new Cleveland Browns Stadium for a boat load of cash, he's financially supporting a family whose father was killed in the September 11 terrorist attacks, he lets his football people run the show (he wanted to keep Chris Palmer, but let the football people grab Butch Davis -- great move). Plus, President Bush named him to a committee to nab terrorists. Nice. Not only is he providing Browns fans with a quality product, he's also doing something for his country. Contract -- Williams sisters Promote -- Anna Kournikova Do I have to give an explanation for that one? Contract -- Talk show host Jay Leno He's a big chinned, unfunny, ass-kissing dufus. Going from Johnny Carson to Jay Leno is like going from Bill Parcells to Bob Davie. Promote -- Talk show host Jiminy Glick I have to be honest. Half the time, I don't even know what he is saying, but I am mesmerized by this guy. The look on the faces of his guests when he asks a ridiculous question makes this show one of my favorites. Contract -- Reggie Miller You had your chance and you did not win the ring. Your running feud with Spike Lee is about as interesting as a medical conference on toe fungus. Promote -- Dirk Nowitzki He's a big goofy white guy with long hair who runs around and drains shots from anywhere on the court...reminds me of the good old days of the NBA…Bird, Magic, Kareem the Pothead, Billy Laimbeer…. Contract -- Bud Selig He's the Janet Reno look alike. This guy wouldn't stand up to Gary Coleman. His tenure as baseball commissioner reminds me of the Presidency of Jimmy Carter. Failure after failure after failure. Promote -- Rudy Giuliani This guy could probably be elected to the mayor's office of New York, or any other city for that matter, for life. He truly cares about the sport of baseball and he has something Bud Selig doesn't- a set of cahones. Contract -- Aaron Brooks and Cade McNown Brooks said he was the best QB from the class of 1999. No you aren't, Aaron; you are not even in the top five. Did you see him last weekend against the Jets? He made some of the worst decisions since I chose not to attend my buddy's bachelor party in Phoenix in which two aspiring models entertained well into the night…. And McNown...probably one of the worst first round draft choices in the history of the NFL Draft. Promote -- Tim Couch and Daunte Culpepper They are young, exciting, and aren't afraid to mix it up. They are justifying their high selections in the 1999 NFL Draft. These two lead the next generation of NFL superstars. Contract -- The New York Yankees With the way the financial system is set up in Major League Baseball, the Yankees competing with most markets is sort of like a high school senior playing dodgeball with a third grade gym class. Yes, he will occasionally get hit in the leg by some young upstart, but overall he will crush the competition, and it will be boring to watch after awhile. Promote -- The Oakland Athletics Jason Giambi, Tim Hudson, Barry Zito...these guys are fun to watch. It's about time that some new blood took over the American League. Contract -- John Stockton and Karl Malone They are now in their 174th year together. They have had incredible careers. They are great players who are fun to watch. They dominate the NBA regular season. Okay, I said that in 1987. It's now almost 2002. It's time to retire, guys. Promote -- Del Griffith and Neal Page Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (1987). This John Hughes classic paired John Candy and Steve Martin in one of the most hilarious movies I have ever seen. No matter how many times I see it, I still watch it and laugh my ass off. Contract -- The NHL on TV I am convinced that they don't use a puck when the game is on TV. The camera has yet to catch up to a little black blur going 299 MPH on ice. This sport hates TV as much as George Jefferson hates Archie Bunker. Promote -- The NFL on TV This sport was practically invented for the tube. Is there anything better than sitting on your duff all day Sunday watching the NFL? Contract -- Pat Summerall, Phil Simms Summerall is smashed half the time and Simms never stops talking. I find it interesting how Phil Simms has all of a sudden acquired a folksy southern accent. Nice touch, Phil…. Promote -- Brent Jones He shuts up enough for me to enjoy a game. I always know the announcer is doing a good job when, in the fourth quarter, I have to ask whoever I am watching the game with, "Who's doing this game again?" Contract -- Sideline reporters Eric Dickerson. Need I say more? Promote -- Babes on the pre-game show Jillian Barberie, Summer Sands, Lisa Guerrero, Jill Arrington...I would rather watch them prance around the set than hear Cris Collinsworth and Jerry Glanville wage one of their phony little fights. Just a thought -- put Ali Landry in some Daisy Dukes explaining what she thinks about football, or for that matter, well, anything, and I will be glued to the screen for the NFL pre-game show. Contract -- Old, turf stadiums like the Vet I can't stand watching games from the Vet. It reminds me of when I was a kid, playing on the carpet of the family room, the carpet burns leaving lifelong scars…. Promote -- New or renovated grass stadiums The Browns-Bears game the other day was a great example -- old fashioned smash-mouth football on grass in the elements -- (Insert your favorite beer commercial cliché) It doesn't get any better than that. Contract -- Instant online polls during games Who actually leaves the room to go vote on these things? It drove me nuts during the World Series. Joe Torre would barely be out of the dugout to make a pitching change before Fox would put up a poll question. "Do you think Joe Torre is wearing boxers, briefs, or women's panties underneath his Yankee pants? Go to foxsports.com and vote right now!" It was ridiculous. Promote -- Fantasy sports info during games Why do they just show the score and who scored the last touchdown? I want to know the following: how many yards, how many red-zone carries, how many times did Stephen Davis glare at Marty Schottenheimer for not giving him the ball enough? Now that's fantasy info. Fantasy stats should be a constant stream at the bottom of the screen. Contract -- Dorky, unathletic presidents Guys like Bill Clinton. Every time I think of the Slick one, I think of pasty white, fat legs (although totally appropriate, I am not referring to Hillary). Whenever he would throw out the first pitch, he reminded me of the kid in class who threw like a girl. Promote -- Athletic presidents George W. Bush. Did you see him throw out the first pitch at the World Series game? Now, that's a MAN. The perfect strike he threw had more velocity on it than a Jamie Moyer fastball. Contract -- Tony Dungy He is to fantasy football what Bobby Brown is to Whitney Houston. A destructive force. Just as Bobby turned Whitney from a beautiful, classy singer into a crack whore, coach Tony takes former fantasy studs and turns them into total duds. Keyshawn…Brad Johnson…Warrick Dunn...the list is long and sad…. Promote -- Mike Martz This guy turns mediocre third-team WRs into worthy fantasy players. If fantasy football gave out their own awards (not a bad idea…), Martz would be coach of the year for life…. See more of Shawn's columns at SportsTerminal.com!

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