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NFL first half -- What happened to these teams? by: Shawn Griffin from SportsTerminal.com	Pg 1 of 1

We just completed the first half in what I think is one of the most exciting NFL seasons in years. You have some of the old, traditional teams like the Eagles, Bears, Browns and 49ers back to their old exciting, winning selves. The Steelers are wreaking havoc on the league in the form of a tough, big RB nicknamed "The Bus" and a gritty defense. Good old fashioned tough football -- a good running game and good defense -- is back in after years of "West Coast" offenses and other cute little schemes such as the "no-huddle offense" (in the first quarter). While there have been some surprises this season, there have also been some major disappointments. This isn't going to be one of those boring, predictable columns in which the writer tells you his unimportant opinion on the first half MVPs, coaches of the year, blah, blah, blah…. No, boys and girls, I am going to take you down a road very few men have ever traversed.... I am going to critically access the first half of teams who have not lived up to their preseason expectations AND I am going to find a way to insert some of my favorite movie quotes into this column...and you won't believe how well they fit. There are three categories of disappointment: 1. Total Bloodbaths. This is best described as what the Taliban is going through right now. Nowhere to run or hide. Total chaos. Utter destruction. 2. Near collapses. Serious, but not totally ruined. It's like Pamela Anderson dating Kid Rock. She's getting pretty low, but you still wouldn't turn her down as being used goods just yet if she wanted to go out and party with you. 3. "C'mon, you're better than this!" I know I have used this one before, but it's totally appropriate in this case -- Courtney Cox dating David Arquette. I say this with a solid heterosexual background -- I know that Courtney could do better than this bumbling, talentless idiot. Total Bloodbaths Buffalo Bills Gregg Williams, former defensive coordinator of the Tennessee Titans, came to Buffalo promising a great defense week in and week out, and an explosive offense with Rob Johnson leading the way, with Doug Flutie unceremoniously dumped to the San Diego Chargers. He started out his tenure by installing a 4-3 defense (even though the Bills had one of the best defenses in the league last season) and telling everybody within earshot what a genius he was. But, as Morpheus said in "The Matrix," "There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path." Greg Williams knows the path, but whether or not he will get the Bills there is unknown. What is known is that it won't be this season. They are now 1-8, with the future not looking too bright because the franchise QB, Rob Johnson, refuses to slide when he runs with the ball and practically gets his head taken off every weekend because of it. Every time I see him running out to the huddle at the beginning of the game, I am reminded of that famous line in "Pulp Fiction," "Bring out the Gimp!" or the quote from one of my all-time favorites, "Goodfellas," "The way I see it, everyone takes a beating sometime." For Johnson and the Bills this season, that's every week. Detroit Lions After being spanked by the Cardinals this past weekend, the Detroit Lions are running out of weeks in which to secure at least one victory so they don't join the 1976 Tampa Bay Bucs as winless wonders. New coach Marty Mornhinweg and new G.M. Matt Millen figured they would waltz into Motown and start a winning tradition right away, something they were familiar with as former members of the San Francisco 49ers organization. Instead, they have made the Lions the laughingstock of the league. I knew there was trouble when Marty picked up and left the field during training camp because he thought his team wasn't working hard enough during a practice. It kind of reminded me of the movie "Dumb and Dumber," when Harry says, "I can't believe we drove around all day and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!"...to which Lloyd replied, "Yeah! Unless you wanna work 40 hours a week." The Lions are not working 40, let alone three hours a week, as their 0-9 record clearly indicates. Things haven't gone as well as Marty and Matt thought they would. As was said in another one of my favorites movies, "Armageddon," "It's all fun and games until someone gets shot in the leg." Carolina Panthers After opening the season with a 24-13 victory over the Minnesota Vikings, many thought the Panthers would be a force in the NFC this season. Instead, they have lost nine games in a row and are challenging the Lions for the first pick in the 2002 NFL draft. Head coach George Seifert's reluctance to go with more of a rushing attack is a major part of the problem. The leading rusher for the Panthers, Tim Biakabutuka, has 230 yards -- on only 53 carries -- for a 4.3-yard average. Why not run the ball more often, coach Siefert? I feel like Lee Ermey in "Full Metal Jacket" to Private Pyle, "What is you major malfunction, numbnuts?" As head coach of the Panthers, Siefert was 8-8 in 1999, 7-9 last season, and has already lost nine games this season. Unless there is a dramatic turnaround in the second half, Siefert's future will mirror the fate of a certain enforcer in the Corleone Family named Luca Brasi. As Tom Hayden responded when Santino asked him what a package containing a fish wrapped in paper meant, "Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes." You better start winning, Mr. Siefert, or you will join Mr. Brasi soon. Near Collapses Minnesota Vikings Who would have thought the Minnesota Vikings would be near the bottom of the NFC Central this year after making it to the NFC Championship last season? Why is Cris Carter yelling at everybody on the sidelines and complaining to anybody who will listen that he isn't getting the ball enough? Oh, wait, that's Randy Moss. Or is it? You see, that's the problem with the Vikings this season. They just aren't being themselves. Robert Smith is gone, Dwayne Rudd is gone…. It reminds me of the movie "Empire Records," when A.J. says to Lucas, "What's with you? Yesterday you were normal and today you're like the Chinese guy from the Karate Kid." When you look at this team, you wonder why they haven't been successful this season. As Trent tells Mikey in "Swingers," "It's such a shame. You're so money and you don't even know it." So are the Vikings, only they don't know it so far this season. Tennessee Titans This team simply cannot get down and dirty and physically beat teams. Whenever they play the Ravens, Eddie George magically transforms himself from a bruising, 230-pound stud running back to Richard Simmons' boyfriend. He misses blocks, runs out of bounds after a one-yard gain, drops passes out of fear of being smoked by Ray Lewis…. As George C. Scott said in "Patton," "Wars may be fought with weapons, but they are won by men." Until Eddie George and the rest of the Titans stop trying to look good and instead, play good, they will bring up the rear of the AFC Central. As was said in "Apocalypse Now," "Surf or Fight." It's time for the Titans to play good ball or watch the rest of the division pass them by. Kansas City Chiefs When Dick Vermeil came out of retirement to coach the Chiefs, I think most sports fans did a collective, "HUH?" Dick Vermeil retired on top of the football world after leading the Rams to a Super Bowl championship in 2000. He's now 65 years old. He's coached the Chiefs to a 2-7 record, and I'm sure the stress he's gone through this season has taken a few years off his life. It's like one season off from coaching football somehow took away some of the attention that coach Vermeil craves so intensely. Almost like he was playing the part of Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction" and we fans are Michael Douglas when she informs him, "I'm not going to be ignored, Dan." Who will ever forget those chilling words? Don't worry, Dick, now that you are coaching the Chiefs to the bottom of the AFC West, we won't ignore you. Instead, you'll have to deal with smart asses like me telling you that you should have stayed retired. "C'mon, you're better than this!" Washington Redskins The Redskins started the season with five-straight losses. Since then, they have won four games in a row, and coach Marty may have them back in the NFC East race since that division is so incredibly weak. On the other hand, if you have to rely on Tony Banks as your starting quarterback, it's doubtful that your team will go very far. This team is full of veterans, led by Darrell Green, Bruce Smith, Stephen Davis and Michael Westbrook. When Marty made them do the "Oklahoma Drill" during training camp, he might have lost these guys. Like Neal said to Del in "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles," "Didn't you notice on the plane when you started talking, eventually I started reading the vomit bag?" After those five-straight winless weeks, though, Marty did not let it get to him. He was like Jack Nicholson in "A Few Good Men," "I eat breakfast 300 yards from 4,000 Cubans who are trained to kill me, so don't think you can come down here, flash a badge, and make me nervous." Whatever you say, Marty. Indianapolis Colts Jim Mora. He is a prime example of a coach who has no idea how to coach today's athlete. There is no way a team with talent like the Colts should be 4-5. Peyton Manning, The Edge, Marvin Harrison... having Jim Mora coach this type of talent is sort of like having Camryn Manheim teach an aerobics class. It just doesn't fit. As Red says in the movie "Shawshank Redemption," "I have to remind myself that some birds weren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright." Well, the Colts young talent is being caged this season, and coach Mora is doing the caging. It's too bad for Colts fans. Tampa Bay Buccaneers The Bucs are another talented team with a 4-5 record. They have it all -- good offense, above average defense...so why the bad record? Who knows, but as Michael says to Carlo in "The Godfather" right before Clemenza chokes him to death, "You have to answer for Santino." Tony Dungy simply isn't getting the job done. The interesting part about Dungy is that he had enough time in the offseason to rail against NFL teams for not picking Marvin Lewis as head coach, rather than dealing with his own team. By the way, I find it utterly ridiculous that a team would not pick a candidate because of his race. Team owners want to win, and if they think a guy will bring them victories, they don't care if he's a Martian from Mars, they will hire him. Back to the Bucs. With the talent that the Buccaneers have, Tony Dungy and the rest of the team should take the advice of Wallace in one of the best movies ever made -- "Braveheart," when he told the British, "Lower your flags and march straight back to England, stopping at every home to beg forgiveness for a hundred years of theft, rape and murder. Do this and your men shall live." The Buccaneer fans deserve some answers and an apology if this talented team does not make the playoffs. Well, there you have it. My analysis of the first half of the NFL season. As Forrest said in "Forrest Gump," "That's all I have to say about that." See more of Shawn's columns at SportsTerminal.com!

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