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We salute “Jarhead” for giving us the expression that succinctly describes our feelings towards the winter movie release schedule: Welcome to the suck.

Any movie that the studios thought about rolling out for awards season, then thought better of when they realized they wouldn’t survive the fierce competition, is here, in all its unspectacular glory. John Smith and Pocahontas, cops wearing fat suits, inept detectives with bad accents, ‘70s remake after ‘70s remake, and a whole bunch of bad horror flicks; they’re all here.

On the plus side, now you have time to read all of those books you got for Christmas. See you in April.


January: The suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

The New World
Tristan & Isolde
Glory Road
Last Holiday
Hoodwinked
Transamerica
Underworld: Evolution
Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World
Annapolis
Big Momma's House 2
Bubble


February: Don’t worry, pitchers and catchers report to camp soon.

When a Stranger Calls
The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada
Final Destination 3
Curious George
Firewall
The Pink Panther
Failure to Launch
Nightwatch
Date Movie
Freedomland
Ultraviolet
Running Scared
Tsotsi


March: The psychic scars may never heal.

Pulse
16 Blocks
Block Party
The Hills Have Eyes
The Shaggy Dog
Idlewild
The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things
V for Vendetta
She's the Man
Thank You For Smoking
Inside Man
Stay Alive
Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
Slither
Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector
Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction
A Scanner Darkly