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Bullz-Eye Winter Movie Preview: January
JANUARY: The suckiest bunch of sucks that
ever sucked.
Any movie that the studios thought about rolling out for awards season, then
thought better of when they realized they wouldn’t survive the fierce
competition, is here, in all its unspectacular glory. On the plus side, now you
have time to read all of those books you got for Christmas. See you in April.
The New World (New Line, January 13)
Actors: Colin Farrell,
Christian Bale, Christopher Plummer, Wes Studi, David Thewlis, Q’Orianka
Kilcher
Director: Terrence Malick
Rating: PG-13
Read our review
The Pitch: Malick graces us with his presence for the second time in 10
years to write a story about explorer John Smith and the clashes between English
settlers and Native American Indians.
The Buzz: This is at least the second, and possibly third, time we’ve put
this movie in a seasonal preview, and that alone should tell you everything you
need to know. That they decided January 13 was the “right” time to release a
historical epic screams “dump job.”
Trailer Highlight: The eerie shot of Pocahontas (newcomer Kilcher)
looking out over the bay, and seeing the English ships arriving.
Bottom Line: You can only dangle a movie out there for so long before we
simply stop caring.
Official Web Site:
http://www.thenewworldmovie.com/
Tristan & Isolde (20th Century Fox, January 13)
Actors: James Franco, Sophia Myles, Rufus Sewell, David O’Hara
Director: Kevin Reynolds
Rating: PG-13
The Pitch: An English knight (Franco) is in love with an Irish princess
(Myles), and the future of England hangs in the balance.
The Buzz: This has been a pet project of Ridley Scott’s for years (he put
it aside to direct this little flick called “Alien”), but in the end he and
brother Tony executive produce, and in the director’s chair is….Kevin Reynolds,
the infamous director of “Waterworld.” Ridley surely produced with a strong
hand, and this will be more “Kingdom of Heaven” than bloated Kevin Costner
vanity project. Still, that doesn’t mean it will be very good.
Trailer Highlight: Is there anything funnier than a medieval romance put
to the music of Evanescence?
Bottom Line: This might be the one to kill the whole swords-and-sandals
thing for a good ten years.
Official Web Site:
http://www.tristanandisoldemovie.com/
Glory Road (Buena Vista, January 13)
Actors: Josh Lucas, Derek Luke, Jon Voight, Emily Deschanel
Director: James Gartner
Rating: PG
Read our review
The Pitch: Based on the true story of Dan Haskins, the man who took a job
at Texas Western University, assembled the first all-black NCAA basketball team,
and won the title in 1966.
The Buzz: Quiet at this point. Maybe everyone else is as gobsmacked by
the movie’s title as we are. Forgive our filthy minds, but that title is one
word away from being a porn flick. You would think Disney, of all parent
companies, would be sensitive about that sort of thing.
Trailer Highlight: The one student’s mother attending class, to make sure
her son’s grades are high enough to keep playing ball.
Bottom Line: Disney had a good thing going with these sports movies, but
they just didn’t know when to quit.
Official Web Site:
http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/gloryroad/
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The Queen, it seems, is
dead. |
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Last Holiday (Paramount, January 13)
Actors: Queen Latifah, LL Cool J, Timothy Hutton, Giancarlo Esposito
Director: Wayne Wang
Rating: PG-13
Read our review
The Pitch: A woman (Latifah) discovers that she is terminally ill, so she
decides to take an extravagant vacation during her final days.
The Buzz: Nonexistent. We’ve seen the trailer once in the theaters, and
as you can imagine, we’re at the movies a lot. We love Queen, but this just
looks pointless.
Trailer Highlight: When the person at the bank asks her what she’s going
to do with the money she’s borrowing: “I’m just gonna blow it!”
Bottom Line: The only way this movie will be worth seeing is if she
actually dies at the end. And you all know that ain’t gonna happen.
Official Web Site:
http://www.lastholidaymovie.com/
Hoodwinked (Weinstein Co. January 13)
Actors: voices of
Anne Hathaway, Glenn Close, Patrick Warburton, Anthony
Anderson, Andy Dick, Chazz Palminteri, Sally Struthers, Xzibit
Director: Cory Edwards & Todd Edwards
Rating: PG
The Pitch: The animal kingdom conducts an investigation of the events
that took place at Grandma’s house.
The Buzz: “Little Red Riding Shrek,” anyone? Still, look at that cast.
No, not Warburton, Close and Hathaway. Andy Dick? Sally freaking Struthers? Chazz Palminteri, as a sheep, no less? Gold, baby.
Trailer Highlight: Tough to say. If they’re sitting on something really
funny, we’d never know it. A snowboarding grandmother? Oooooh, how edgy.
Bottom Line: The people we know who’ve seen it like it. We just wish that
were enough to convince us.
Official Web Site:
http://www.hoodwinkedthemovie.com/
Transamerica (IFC, January 20)
Actors: Felicity Huffman, Kevin Zegers, Graham Greene, Elizabeth Peńa,
Burt Young
Director: Duncan Tucker
Rating: R
The Pitch: A post-operative transsexual (Huffman) discovers that she
fathered a child 17 years ago (Zegers), and must deal with her newfound son and
the complications of becoming the woman she always wanted to be.
The Buzz: Huffman’s getting raves for her performance here, though the
movie overall is falling somewhere in the middle of the pack.
Trailer Highlight: Son: Dude this is great! Huffman: I wish you wouldn’t
call me ‘dude.’
Bottom Line: We’re seeing it for Huffman alone. Anything else that
dazzles us will be a bonus.
Official Web Site:
http://www.transamerica-movie.com/
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More leather, less
talk, please. |
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Underworld: Evolultion (Screen Gems, January 20)
Actors: Kate
Beckinsale, Scott Speedman, Bill Nighy, Shane Brolly, Michael Sheen
Director: Len Wiseman
Rating: R
Read our review
The Pitch: Leather-clad vampire Selene (Beckinsale) and werewolf hybrid (Speedman)
try to unearth the origins of both species in an attempt to save mankind, and
uncover a being that’s responsible for the origin of both vampire and Lychen.
The Buzz: My, does Beckinsale look nice in leather. If only she could
write dialogue, because the first “Underworld” was insufferable to listen to,
and only slightly less insufferable to watch.
Trailer Highlight: Every shot – and there are a lot of them – of
Beckinsale looking up from the ground with her piercing blue vampire eyes, and
black bangs hanging in her eyes.
Bottom Line: It has to be better than the first one….doesn’t it?
Official Web Site:
http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/underworldevolution/
Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World (Warner Independent, January 20)
Actors: Albert Brooks, John Carroll Lynch, Sheetal Sheth, Jon Tenney, Amy
Ryan, Fred Thompson, Penny Marshall
Director: Albert Brooks
Rating: PG-13
The Pitch: The White House recruits Brooks to go abroad (India and
Pakistan) to learn what makes them Muslim people laugh.
The Buzz: So why, exactly, did they send him to a Hindu nation to learn
about Muslims? And does it seem strange that they’d send a Jew to do this kind
of reconnaissance? Seriously, there is nothing about this that makes sense to
us.
Trailer Highlight: “You’re not a Jew, are you?” “Not….this minute.”
Bottom Line: We love Albert Brooks, but this has bad idea written all
over it.
Official Web Site:
http://wip.warnerbros.com/lookingforcomedy/LFC_content.html
Annapolis (Buena Vista, January 27)
Actors: James Franco, Tyrese Gibson, Jordana Brewster, Donnie Wahlberg,
Chi McBride
Director: Justin Lin
Rating: PG-13
Read our review
The Pitch: A young, rebellious cadet (Franco) runs afoul of a strong
willed superior (Gibson).
The Buzz: Okay, fess up: who asked for a remake of “An Officer and a
Gentleman”? Anyone? Didn’t think so. So why on earth did they feel the need to
spend what looks like big bank on a movie that no one asked for? Was this
greenlighted back in the post-9/11 days, and the studios thought that a bunch of
military movies would make the world feel like a safer place? Oh, brother.
Trailer Highlight: When Franco discovers that the girl he bragged to at
the bar about being a cadet at Annapolis was one of his commanding officers.
Bottom Line: We’re not fans of Richard Gere, but at least someone won an
Oscar in that movie. In “Annapolis,” no one wins.
Official Web Site:
http://annapolis.movies.com/
Big Momma’s House 2 (20th Century Fox, January 27)
Actors: Martin Lawrence, Emily Procter, Nia Long, Michelle Parylak, Mark
Moses
Director: John Whitesell
Rating: PG-13
The Pitch: Martin Lawrence reprises his role as a very undercover cop
trying to crack a crime syndicate hell bent on undermining US security, or
something.
The Buzz: This was originally supposed to square off against “King Kong.”
Wisely, the studio thought better of it, and moved it to battle
against….”Annapolis.” Whatever. No matter when it opens, it’s going to suck.
Trailer Highlight: The babes in the spa. But don’t even try to tell us
that they think Lawrence is a woman.
Bottom Line: This will probably take a lot of people’s money, and make a
lot of people dumber at the same time.
Official Web Site:
http://www.bigmommashouse2.com/
Bubble (Magnolia Pictures, January 27)
Actors: Dustin James Ashley, Debbie Doebereiner
Director: Steven Soderbergh
Rating: R
The Pitch: A murder takes place at a toy factory in a small Ohio town,
and the residents try to put the pieces together.
The Buzz: The most buzz-worthy aspect of this movie is that it’s being
released in the theaters, on cable and on DVD on the same day, and while we
would love to see this experiment become a smashing success, this is not the
movie that should launch the concept.
Trailer Highlight: Talk about saying nothing but telling you everything.
The trailer is nothing but a bunch of shots of doll parts, scored not to Hole’s
“Doll Parts,” but what sounds like an Elfman-esque score. So why, exactly, are
we supposed to get excited about this movie?
Bottom Line: They could put this movie on as a play in our lunch room,
and we’re still not going to watch it.
Official Web Site: No official site that we can find. Hey, type the word
‘Bubble’ into Google, see what you find. I’m sure it’s out there somewhere, we
just didn’t care enough to spend too much effort on it.
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