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Oakland Raiders: 4-1
The Raiders are a mean team filled with veterans who have been around the block and will knock you on your ass if you aren't careful. Rich Gannon has worked countless hours to get to the point where he and the Raiders are at right now and he and Jon Gruden aren't about to let some young upstart team take them down. The Raiders are a team filled with veterans in the twilight of their careers -- Gannon and Eric Allen are in their 14th year, Tim Brown is in his 13th year, and Jerry Rice is in his 17th season. The Raiders still pack the stands with fanatics who seem to have no other reason for existing but to root for the Silver and Black. The Raiders are the Madonna of the NFL this season. From her debut hit single, "Holiday," in 1983, through her recent hit album, Music, Madonna has gone from being a slutty little tramp from Detroit to an entertainment mogul who commands respect throughout the entertainment industry. Although now a 42-year-old mother of two, Madonna is a force in the industry and doesn't show signs of slowing down in the very near future -- just as the Raiders are a team that can't be taken lightly by any opponent this season. 

Green Bay Packers: 4-2
The Packers are a team similar to the Raiders. Just when you think they are on the verge of collapse, they rise up and surprise you with a good balance between their offense and defense. This season, Brett Favre has regained some of his old magic as the Packers have beaten some of the NFL's best teams. What makes this season's Packer team different than the past? Cosmetic changes. Dorsey Levens has been replaced with Ahman Green. Bill Schroeder is Favre's go-to guy this season, replacing veteran Antonio Freeman. They are still led by their "bread and butter," though, in Brett Favre. Without him, they are just another average team looking to secure a .500 record. Cher has gone through many cosmetic changes (she can't blink anymore) these past few years. She has tried her hand at acting. A week doesn't go by without HBO or The Movie Channel showing the mesmerizing movie, Mask, a widely appealing, sentimental coming-of-age drama about a teen boy named Rocky who copes with facial disfigurement. It's one of those movies that I cannot turn off, even though I have seen it roughly 300 times since 1985. Cher has been around for quite awhile. She has now come back to HER "bread and butter" -- music. Who will ever be able to get that horrible 1998 hit, "Believe," out of their head? She is working on a new album that should be released this November. You have to give credit and respect to both Cher and the Packers for being around this long and still producing. 

The Surprises 

Chicago Bears: 4-1
The Bears have impressed the league with their good defensive play thus far. The only real quality team they beat, though, was the Minnesota Vikings, so I am not ready to give them the crown for being this year's version of the 2000 Saints or the 1999 Rams -- teams that came out of nowhere to have great seasons. However, if they keep playing the way they are and if they start beating some quality teams, watch out. LB Brian Urlacher is the latest monster in the middle for the Bears. As long as he doesn't quit in order to star in cheesy sitcoms where he plays the dumb coach or gym teacher (like another famous Bear LB)...the Bears are in good shape for the future. The celebrity they most remind me of? Brooke Burke. Who is she? She is the hot piece that hosts the "Wild On…" show on the E' Entertainment network. Brooke started out as that chick you used to drool over in the Bally Total Fitness commercials. She then modeled for Frederick's of Hollywood. This may have been the turning point in her life. You see, this is where she and the Bears are connected. It's at this juncture in her career where she came dangerously close to falling backwards into the soft-core porn world of late night Cinemax and Showtime flicks. How many successful "Frederick's of Hollywood" models ever truly make it? Instead, she landed the job as host of "Wild On." The Bears were not a good football team last season. They regrouped, hung in there, and now are on top in the NFC Central. They haven't totally made it yet, just as Brooke hasn't, but they are both very close.

Cleveland Browns: 4-2
The Browns are led by dynamic rookie head coach Butch Davis. They have all the tools in place -- a franchise type quarterback in Tim Couch, a stud WR in Kevin Johnson, and a rookie RB, James Jackson, who is on pace to rush for 900-1,000 yards this season. On defense, they are led by LB Jamir Miller, who is tied for the AFC lead in sacks, and DL Gerard Warren, a.k.a. "Big Money," a guy who is a younger, leaner, quieter version of Warren Sapp. They have won four out of six games without the services of DE Courtney Brown, who was the first pick overall in the 2000 draft. Last weekend they defeated the hated Baltimore Ravens and they did it with an attitude. Who do they remind me of? This is easy. They are the football version of Ali Landry. Miss Landry first graced the national stardom scene when she won the Miss USA contest in 1996. She then moved on to a short lived TV show called Sunset Beach (this is similar to the Browns hiring Chris Palmer in 1999 -- a minor detour on the road to contention). She then made THE move that would burn her into the minds of men the world over. She catapulted herself into the world of "Incredibly Hot Babedome" when she caught a Dorito in her mouth in the jaw-dropping Super Bowl Frito Lay commercial pushing that tasty nacho cheese dusted tortilla chip that we all know and love. Her career has taken off since then and you will only see more of her in the future as she will star in a new movie, The Courier, which is due for a spring release. Just like the Browns, there is no telling where this star will fall -- or when it will -- but she is on the right track for super-stardom. She has it all -- the smoking body, beautiful face and charismatic attitude. 

The Comeback Teams

Steelers: 4-1
The Steelers were thought to be put to rest a few years ago. After six-straight years of making the playoffs, they didn't make it to the postseason in 1998. Bill Cowher and "The Bus" looked as though their days in the Steel City were numbered. This year, however, the Steelers have used the bruising Bettis and a stingy defense to land on top in the AFC Central. Bettis has rushed for 550 yards and he has as many passing TDs -- one -- as Kordell Stewart, the Steeler QB. This does not bode well for the rest of the season as the Steelers need a productive QB if they want to make the playoffs. The Steelers closely mirror the path in which Drew Barrymore has walked in her 26 years on this earth. She first made her mark at age seven by swapping spit with a stranded alien botanist in Steven Spielberg's mega-successful E.T., and ascended to cult-celebrity status two years later as the star of the Stephen King adaptation Firestarter. On top of the cinematic world before she was old enough to worry about puberty, Barrymore embarked on a long downward spiral in 1984, when she got drunk for the first time. Her wildly troubled adolescence continued with marijuana use at age 10. Three years later, she tried cocaine. The resilient youngster bounced back both professionally and personally by age 21, when her riveting cameo in Wes Craven's Scream electrified her sputtering career. She has since started her own production company and starred in the hit movie Charlie's Angels and The Wedding Singer. Just as the Steelers bounced back from the abyss, it seems as though Drew Barrymore has regained her hold in the entertainment industry. But just as the Steelers have a potential problem at the QB position, Drew recently wed the stunningly untalented Tom Green. Will he bring this flashing cutie down? We shall soon see. 

49ers: 4-1
The 49ers are the team that was great for so many years but slipped up when salary cap problems forced them into having a team without any depth, which is a killer in the NFL. They have since built a solid young defense and an explosive offense led by QB Jeff Garcia and WR Terrell Owens. The most dominant team of the 1980s and early 1990s has stormed out to a 4-1 record and it looks as though they may give the Rams a run for the NFC West title this season. They closely resemble the path that a hot actress we all know has taken. Rising to prominence with a string of successful films during the 1980s and early 1990s, Demi Moore became known for both her on-screen and off-screen ability to draw attention for everything from her grin-and-bare-it roles in films like Striptease to her well-publicized marriage to and divorce from Bruce Willis. Did you know that she was in the movie Blame it on Rio? That movie was pre-implant. She was the friend of the girl who gets it on with Michael Caine. Her career took somewhat of a nosedive in the mid-1990s, but she seems to have found herself again as she produced the hugely successful Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery and served in the same capacity for its megahit sequel, 1999's Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. In 2000, Moore returned to the screen to star in Alain Berliner's Passion of Mind. Just as Demi Moore is making a comeback after spectacular 1980s and early 1990s success, it seem as though the 49ers are well on their way to regaining some of their old magic as well.

The Bad Teams

Detroit Lions: 0-5
The Lions have been a major disappointment this season. They brought in a new coach, Marty Mornhinweg, who came over from San Francisco, where he was the offensive coordinator for the high-powered 49er attack. He was hired by another new guy, GM Matt Millen, who was supposed to be the architect behind the rise of the Lions. Instead, he has made some boneheaded moves -- like trading a fourth-round draft choice to the Browns for QB Ty Detmer, who proceeded to toss seven picks against Cleveland when the teams met in September. Coach Mornhinweg is coming dangerously close to losing this team. He made a spectacle of himself by leaving practice in the middle of training camp because his team didn't have enough intensity for him (remember, it was training camp). A couple weeks ago, he stood on the sidelines, in view of the entire world, and stared, incredulously, at WR Germaine Crowell after Crowell made the mistake of not getting out of bounds in a game in which the clock ran out in yet another Lion loss. When you look at the Lions, though, they do have some talent. RB James Stewart, WR Johnnie Morton, QB Charlie Batch, LB Chris Clairborne, LB Stephen Boyd are all above average players. The results so far have not measured up to the talent they possess. Yasmine Bleeth is a talented girl who has slipped up recently. She ingratiated herself with sexed-up males everywhere with her incredible weekly performance of Caroline Holden on Baywatch. She has the talent, but she hasn't proven herself yet. She has the body, the face, the acting ability...yet she only lands on short-lived television series like Nash Bridges and Titans. Then, last September, she was arrested after being involved in a one-car accident in (how fitting?) Detroit. She now faces drug charges because the police officer who arrested her found cocaine in her pocketbook. Yes, that's right. Yasmine may be trading in her cute little bikini for an orange jumpsuit in the very near future, much to the dismay of heterosexual men all over the country but to the delight of big, ugly, manly female prisoners (think Rosie O'Donnel in a big orange jump suit) in the Michigan Penal System. With her looks, however, she still has some potential, just like the Lions do with some of their young talent. Just as some days in the pokie may wake Ms. Bleeth up, going 0-5 to begin your coaching career may aid coach Marty in changing his ways in order to better lead the Lions. They have way too much talent to be this bad. 

Washington Redskins: 1-5
On to the Redskins. I know for a fact that Daniel Snyder is the most hated owner in football (Art Modell is too old and pathetic to hate anymore). Mike Sellers, now on the Browns, tells the story of Snyder coming to practice in his helicopter, blowing grass and dirt all around, causing the Skins to stop practice while the helicopter landed, with Danny hopping out to monitor the team he spent $800 million to buy. He fires longtime employees, argues with coaches and players, and generally carries himself like a pompous little punk who wouldn't let you play with his toys if he wasn't around (I never liked the kids who, when not around, wanted to make sure that nobody else was having fun with their G.I. Joes so they would take them and hide them). Snyder then hired Marty Schottenheimer -- a coach who would be in his prime if it was 1945 but, unfortunately for Redskin fans, it happens to be 2001. Schottenheimer actually had veterans like Bruce Smith doing the "Oklahoma Drill" during training camp! Even my 8th grade football coach, Mr. Marhefka of Parkside Junior High School in Westlake, Ohio, who knew about as much about football as I know about the mating rituals of wild boars, had enough respect for us rather than put us through the degrading "Oklahoma Drill." So now Snyder and the Redskins are stuck. Their salary cap situation is a mess, they have the wrong coach, and they are 1-4, with the rest of the season looking quite bleak. It's simply amazing how much the Redskins and Anna Nicole Smith have in common. The actress/model is 5'11 and, depending on the month, between 125 and 250 pounds. She came onto the scene as the hot Guess? Jeans girl and was the 1993 Playboy playmate of the Year. She even released a CD called "My Heart Belongs To Daddy" (strange when you find out that her father had abandoned her and she was raised by her mother and aunt). She then married oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II when she was 26 and he was 89 and wheelchair bound. Just as Danny Snyder is the target of many jokes on sports talk shows, Anna is the butt-end of late night shows' jokes due to her hilarious marriage to a man who needed to have his diaper changed on a regular basis. When he died shortly after their marriage (imagine that?), he left her $474 million. Although this amount is being litigated, it's clear that Anna will walk away from this with a bundle of cash. Her career? Hard-core porn is probably her only option at this point. But she has a lot of money to help her get through this, just like Danny Snyder, who watches his team lose week after week, yet still has a boatload of cash…

The NFL season is a long one, filled with ups and downs for most teams. Some teams have achieved a certain level of respect, others are on the verge of getting to that point, while others wallow in the mud. The entertainment industry is no different....


See more of Shawn's columns at SportsTerminal.com!

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