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CD Reviews: Review of All or Nothing by Fat Joe
Thompson Home / CD Reviews Home / Entertainment Channel / Entertainment Web Guide

Click here to buy yourself a copy from Amazon.com Fat Joe: All or Nothing (Atlantic/Wea 2005)

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If I could give this turd no stars, I would. Look, I accepted this disc because Mr. Medsker had asked if I had heard of Mr. Joe, and I said yes. I am overly familiar with the Fat from the most awesome PlayStation 2 game Def Jam Fight For New York, in which Joey appears under his wack-ass moniker “Crack” and attempts to beat your sorry ass down with the same annoying move where he pulls your arms behind your back and then pile drives your skull. Listening to All Or Nothing, I got a similar vibe. That I was being indirectly forced to take Joe’s shit because I didn’t cold cock him in the nuts fast enough to dodge his sweaty grasp.

Fat Joe wants nothing more than to be a bad ass, but will never achieve this status because his raps are nothing more than the same old tired brag fests that other MCs have been laying down for years. On top of that, he’s dissing Fiddy Cent on “My Fofo” here, which seems moot by this point. Who the hell hasn’t laid a verbal smack down on Mr. Cent? Even people I know who haven’t heard his music are always walking down the street saying, “That Fiddy. He’s so wack.” Granted, these are often 14-year-old well-to-do white kids who want to mack the Escalade front, but my point is it’s that very group of teens who are supremely tuned in to this nonsense.

Better than that, Mr. Crack Joe gets down with J-Lo (another ‘who hasn’t…?’ moment) on “Hold You Down.” Who needed the money more in this example? I’m beginning to think that J-Lo has no shame. Of course, every movie she’s ever starred in will bear this out. What is it with dancers who become pop acts? First Paula Abdul, then J-Lo. But I digress. What really moves my stomach to nausea is thinking about Joe and Lo in some kind of uber-romantic way. But if Jennifer can’t cough up the booty in the end, perhaps Joe’s other collaborator here, R. Kelly, can hook him up with some underage skeezers who are undoubtedly taking cheeseball sexy headshots of themselves and sticking them all over MySpace.

R. Kelly’s bad enough as it is, but when you mix him and Joe on “So Hot”, you really have something worth killing yourself over. If you even make it that far, that is. Other luminaries such as Mashonda and Nelly whore their talents out here as well, probably in an embarrassed move to help Joe move some serious units. Oh and did I mention Cool and Dre helping out on “Rock Ya Body”? Well, let me just let Joe himself lay some of it on ya.

Yo, if Suge rapped how hard would it be
But he don’t, so the closest thing you got is me
Ain’t no damn near a rapper this loc’d as me
Cook Coke on top is how it’s s’posed to be, nigga!

Joe then does some more boasting and hoo-ha till he sweats again and loses all inspiration. The great Randy Newman once remarked about working with the Eagles on Little Criminals thusly: “You ever seen a fat kid try to swim around in a pool?” Well that’s what listening to All Or Nothing is like. Joe boasts about his mad skillz. He boasts about his murdering talents, yo. He boasts about his women. Look, I’m just too old and above it to buy into the fantasy of Joe bangin’ some hard-ass bitchez. Surely he knows they’re just wasting their time with him ‘cause of his bling, right? Right?!

And just to show he’s f’real, Joe shows off a huge scar on the back of his neck in one of the CD booklet’s photos. It looks like someone took a dull Ginsu knife and tried to leave an impression on Joe. They succeeded. Trouble is, you’ll remember Joe’s scar more than you ever will his tunes. But hey, he winds up thanking God in the liners, much like everyone else does these days, calling Him “the one and only true Don”. Now that’s muthafuckin’ wack-ass, G.   

~Jason Thompson 


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