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My Olympic dream
by: Shawn Griffin from SportsTerminal.com
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While watching the Olympics this past weekend, I really couldn't believe some of the activities that now pass for athletic "events." I mean, when did snowboarding on a half-pipe become an Olympic sport? Snowboarding? That's a recreational activity for a "rad" pimply-faced 17-year-old dropout who is studying for his GED. Freestyle skiing? Short track speed skating? When did these activities become medal events?
When a guy like Apolo Anton Ohno is one of the brighter personalities in the Olympics, you know that the prestige of the Games is taking a severe beating. Recently, an independent arbitrator dismissed a claim that Ohno and Rusty Smith conspired to fix a race at December's U.S. Olympic Trials. After reading a recent Sports Illustrated article about this punk, I truly think I will root for anybody but him…. I would even go so far as to root for the French over this kid...okay, I won't go that far, but you get my point. Since he is a gold medal contender in four short-track speed skating races, it's being said that the 19-year-old Ohno could have a similar impact on these Games that another American had the last time the United States hosted the Winter Olympics -- Eric Heiden during the Lake Placid games. As far as I'm concerned, comparing Ohno to Heiden is like comparing a featherweight boxer to a heavyweight.
Growing up, it seemed like an Olympic medal meant much more than it does today. What's next? Skateboarding and surfing in the Summer Games? Are those already events? How about BMX freestyling? Where does this end?
Back to the Games at hand.
What should the Olympic organizers do to garner more interest?
They should simply stick with the basics -- skiing, skating and sledding. Those are winter sports. Save the other crap for MTV.
What would I do if I was in charge of the Olympics? Good question.
When I saw the promo for Julia Luis Dreyfus' new sitcom, it gave me an idea. In the commercial, she "competes" in events like speedskating and the luge, invariably screwing up and making a mockery of herself. So far, these commercials were the highlight of the Olympics, in my opinion.
So anyways, how would you spice the Olympics up a bit? (And don't say putting the female figure skaters in thongs. It won't happen, I checked already.)
How about famous celebrities on the United States Olympic roster? Could you imagine the ratings? I mean, if we are going to award medals for snowboarding and freestyle skiing, why not?
This is something I would pay to see.…
Let me give you my personal choices for the celebrities I would choose for some of the sports.
Figure Skating
Women - Mena Suvari. She would be the perfect female figure skater. Nancy Kerrigan, Kristi Yamaguchi and Michelle Kwan. What do they have in common? They would do better in a dog show than a beauty contest. Every time I see Nancy Kerrigan, her mouth seems to devour the television screen. It would be a refreshing change to get the sport back to what made it famous -- beauty.
Men - Richard Simmons. If you have to ask why, you simply don't get it.
Pairs - Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. Do these guys ever do anything on their own? Every time I see one of them, the other is not far behind. Tell me you can't imagine these two gliding across the ice together, peering lovingly into each others' eyes….a close runner up for this was Sigfreid and Roy.
Ski-Jumping - As far as I'm concerned, the dudes who catapult their bodies into the air, their skis pointing outward, their bodies almost parallel to the ground, are on drugs.
Robert Downey, Jr., have we a sport for you!
Hockey - You could field a starting lineup in this sport. Denis Leary, Michael J. Fox, Alan Thicke, Jason Priestly, with
John Goodman in goal. I know some of those guys are Canadian. Who cares. This is not real. Why Goodman in the goal? I have no idea. He's the first fat living guy I thought of. (John Candy would have been PERFECT for this one…I really miss that dude.) The last person?
Anna Kournikova. Why? She dates hockey players. Also, it's a new rule of mine that she has to be included in every ridiculous column like this that I write.
Bobsledding - The Seinfeld cast. What else are they doing? It's obvious they can't do anything individually…let's get them back together for the four-man bobsled competition. I can see it now -- Kramer taking the rear, furiously pushing the bobsled at the start of the race, then in unison all four jumping into the sled and careening toward the finish line, George complaining, Elaine crying, Jerry cracking jokes…tell me you wouldn't love to see that.
Luge - Sticking with the Seinfeld theme, I think it would be worth just about any price to see
Wayne Knight (Newman) in a luge leotard, on his back, going 90 MPH down a chute. He would have a hard time stopping the thing, causing even more laughs.
Skeleton - Calista Flockhart. Why? Simple -- she looks like a skeleton. Memo to Ally: mix in some food every once in awhile with your meals. And save the puking for when you are truly sick.
Skiing - The course at the Salt Lake Games, Snowbasin, is considered one of the most dangerous in the WORLD. Only experienced, incredibly athletic skiers can tackle this mountain and even then there is a very serious personal risk to life and limb. Every aspect of this course is "unnerving" to the skier. Unless you are a seasoned downhill skier, it simply would not be safe to attempt to ski Snowbasin. Who would I choose for this event?
Mike Tyson and O.J. Simpson.
Biathlon - This event combines skiing with marksmanship. Hmm…you have to be able to ski and shoot a gun. How about
Rae Carruth, Ray Lewis or Robert Blake?
Now THAT would be an Olympics worth watching….
See more of Shawn's columns at SportsTerminal.com!
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