NFL 2001 One-Liner Awards|
by: Shawn Griffin from SportsTerminal.com
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Well, boys and girls, the NFL regular season has come to an end.
You know what's coming, don't you?
That's right -- it's that time of the year again -- stupid award time!
Endless boring awards like "offensive player of the year" will be handed out, discussed ad nauseum until you feel like flipping from ESPN to the "I hate men" channel (Lifetime or Oxygen -- take your pick)…. So, go ahead and enjoy other sports channels and Websites and news rags bringing you their awards for such exciting things like "rookie of the year" and "MVP"….
That's all well and good, but did you think I was going to settle for something so utterly mainstream and, shall I say, rudimental?
That's right -- of course not.
I received an e-mail the other day from a friend which listed some of the best one liners. In the middle of laughing my ass off at some of them, it hit me -- these are totally appropriate for some of the characters in the NFL.
I am not handing out the usual "Coach of the Year" and "MVP" awards -- instead, I will summarize the just completed 2001 NFL regular season with some of the best one liners awarded to the most appropriate candidates.
Let's get started: The first annual "Griffin One Liner NFL Award Winners" (I know, that's way too long, but so what)….
"The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content."
This one liner award goes to New Orleans Saints offensive lineman Kyle Turley. In a November game against the New York Jets, the popular, aggressive player for the Saints gained international notoriety when he threw the helmet of New York Jet DB Damien Robinson across the field and gave officials the one-finger salute after the Jets player grabbed and twisted the helmet of Saints quarterback Aaron Brooks on the bottom of a player pileup. The Saints were near the goal line when this occurred right before the half -- it moved the Saints back, they didn't score, and went on to lose the game. Dropped to 4-3. They never recovered. You don't protect your QB by getting kicked out of the game for tossing the opponent's helmet. Roid rage is never a good thing…. Congratulations, Kyle, you showed the world how intelligent you are.
"I live in my own little world, but it's ok, everyone knows me here."
This one goes to Seattle Seahawks Coach/GM/Equipment Manager/Marketing Director…..(I think this egomaniac holds every title, doesn't he?), Mike Holmgren. His stubborn refusal to leave Trent Dilfer in at QB cost Seattle fans a chance to watch their team in the playoffs. This is a case of a coach's ego getting in the way of winning games. Hasselbeck is the next Brett Favre? Sure, and Pamela Anderson called me last night and asked me to join her and one of her girlfriends for a threesome. This stubborn, Craig Stadler look-alike has an ego the size of his belly. He goes with a young, mistake-prone QB over a guy who hasn't lost a game in, like, four years or something. Why? Because he wants the world to know that it was HIM, not Brett Favre, that won a Super Bowl Championship. This was probably hands-down the worst coaching decision of the year. Enjoy your little world, Mike, because Seattle fans sure don't….
"Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to deal with."
This one liner award fits Cincinnati Bengal running back Corey Dillon perfectly. He signs a five-year, $32 million deal this past off season rather than moving on to a winning team. Dillon spent his first four seasons in the NFL running wild, as he rushed for over 1,000 yards each year, all the while complaining about the lack of a winning record by Cincy. He had another great season this year, rushing for 1,315 yards and 10 scores. But the Bengals keep losing. The last time they were in the playoffs, Bill Clinton was chasing young, fat women in Arkansas as governor. There have been many changes since then…but the Bengals remain the same. At least Dillon has money, so being the typical athlete of today, he probably could care less. That makes you feel good to be a fan, doesn't it? Sorry, but it's true….
"I got a sweater for Christmas…but I really wanted a screamer or a moaner."
This award goes to the team I hate the most in ALL of sports -- the Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens needed all the luck in the world to make it to the Super Bowl last season. Once they did, I will hand it to them, they beat a bad Giants team. (Can we wipe the 2000 NFL season off the map and do it over? It doesn't seem fair that these teams represented their conferences in the Super Bowl -- when the Ravens get beat in the playoffs this year, I am going to feel like Andy Dufresne when he finally escapes Shawshank and is looking at the sky with his arms wide open in pure ecstasy.) Instead of sticking with Trent Dilfer, the Ravens decide to give Elvis Grbac a $25 million deal. Why? Because Brian Billick thinks Elvis is going to be a big time playmaker at the QB position. Instead, he throws more interceptions than touchdowns and makes bad play after bad play...not exactly what the Modells thought they were getting when they signed him.
"If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys."
Ahhh, one of my all-time favorite lines. This one is for all of you high-strung people out there who can't just sit back, look at this world, suck it in, and laugh at it for all of its absurdity…. Jim Mora, are you reading this? One of the biggest disappointments to the conclusion of this season was the firing of Jim Mora. I looked forward to every single post-game Colts press conference this season just so I could watch Mora absolutely lose it. Rarely did he disappoint me in this respect. There is something about the way his voice would change and the crazy look he would get when he started to lose it that I will miss dearly. The NFL should make sure that this guy has a job dealing with the press so that we don't miss this stuff. At his last news conference after the Colts were beat by the Broncos, Mora was at his best. He reminded me of Fredo Corleone…"I'm smaaaart, Michael, not DUMB!"…"I'm a good coach, I want to coach here!"
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."
This one goes to former Dallas Cowboy OL Nate Newton. Remember the big ol' lovable fatass who John Madden and others used to tell us is a such great guy? Well, ladies and gentlemen, Nate was so wonderful that on Nov. 4, he was arrested in Louisiana after police said they found 213 pounds of marijuana in a van he was driving. Less than six weeks later, the rotund former lineman was arrested on charges of carrying at least 80 kilograms of marijuana. That's right. This latter-day Albert Einstein, while awaiting charges on his original arrest, decided to drive his ride around while it was loaded with blunts...again. Stupidity to such a degree is a crime in itself…. Good going, Nate.
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
This one goes to that special couple in San Francisco -- had coach Steve Mariucci and wide receiver Terrell Owens. Owens' relationship with Mariucci was strained last season when the coach, rightfully, in my opinion, suspended him for a game after his outlandish touchdown celebrations in San Francisco's victory over Dallas. This season, after the 'Niners blew a 15-point, fourth quarter lead to the Bears, Owens strongly criticized the 49ers' strategy in the fourth quarter. Owens felt San Francisco simply tried to run time off the clock instead of attacking the Bears -- and he suggested that coach Mariucci's longtime friendship with Chicago coach Dick Jauron might have been the reason. It's been reported that these two do not talk to each other…but they can't live without one another. Why? Because Mariucci is one of the best head coaches in the league, guiding the 'Niners to a 12-4 record and the playoffs. Owens has been a HUGE contributor, catching 93 passes for 1,412 yards and 16 TDs. They need each other -- even though they annoy each other….
"Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys."
This award goes to the cheapest, most disgusting play of the year. Giants' DE Michael Strahan came into the Packers-Giants game last Sunday with 21 ½ sacks, needing one to break Mark Gastineau's single-season sack record of 22. In a game that was already in hand, the Green Bay offense went back onto the field with 2:42 remaining. Before Brett Favre stepped into the huddle, there was a brief glimpse of him straying to the line of scrimmage and saying something to Strahan. On the snap, Favre rolled right -- right into the waiting arms of Strahan, who was unceremoniously credited with the sack that gave him the NFL's single-season record of 22 ½. Strahan hugged Favre. Favre hugged Strahan. Strahan's defensive teammates hugged Favre in a group hug, noticeably excluding Favre's offensive teammates. Brett Favre, among the toughest competitors in the game, a guy who slammed Randy Moss for not playing hard every down, took a dive and allowed Strahan to get the record-breaking sack. Strahan had been stymied all day by Packer offensive linemen Mark Tauscher, Earl Dotson and Chad Clifton. This stunt was a total slap in the face of the guys who bust their asses to protect Favre on every play. Simply disgusting…and totally CHEAP. In my mind, Mark Gastineau still holds the sack record. I hope Favre gets his head knocked off in the playoffs because of this.
"That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius...because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
This one goes to Baltimore coach Brian Billick. The critically acclaimed offensive "genius" began the year by getting rid of Trent Dilfer and signing Elvis Grbac. He then agreed to have the HBO cameras follow his team around in training camp, exposing the team for what it is -- a group of arrogant jackasses like Shannon Sharpe and fatboy Tony Siragusa -- who, by the way, is the only fat guy I know who tries hard to be funny but isn't. The Ravens hired Billick because he was supposed to be an offensive whiz. Getting the Ravens' offense to score a touchdown this season was more unusual than Jim Rome completing a sentence without using the words "epic," "huge" or "classic" in it. The only offensive thing about Baltimore has been their arrogance and mediocre play this season. Billick must be a genius, though, because he never gets tired of telling us he is….
"Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?"
This goes out to the Bengals and Cardinals. Every season, there is a glimmer of hope in the fine cities of Cincinnati and Phoenix…and every season their NFL playoff hopes are gone before the baseball season has even ended. Mike Brown of the Bengals and Bill Bidwell of the Cardinals keep proving, year after year, that they are simply the most inept owners in football. The Bengals haven't been to the playoffs in what seems like decades, and the Cardinals, after making a little splash a few years back, haven't been heard from since. These teams don't draft well (Ki-Jana Carter, Dan Wilkinson), sign the wrong free agents (Scott Mitchell), and let the good ones go (Aeneas Williams). You have to feel sorry for the fans of those teams. I do.
"Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
This one goes out to Vikings owner Red McCombs. This past offseason, Mr. McCombs signed WR Randy Moss to a $75 million deal. You would think that Moss would be eternally grateful to the Vikings and the sport of football for this, wouldn't you? I mean, let's be honest. What the hell would Randy Moss be doing if he wasn't an NFL football player? We all know the answer to that one -- and the answer is not, "a productive member of society." So instead of playing his ass off this season, he tells the fans that he "plays when he wants to" (as though we didn't know that already). When given a chance to retract those statements a couple weeks later, Moss REITERATED his earlier comments, saying when asked if he had been misquoted: "Hell, no. When I want to play, I'll play. There is nobody on the face of this earth to make me go out here and play football. You know what I'm saying?" To top it off, later in the month, the Vikings fined the receiver $15,000 for verbally abusing a group of corporate sponsors on a team bus. I know he's a great wide receiver, don't get me wrong. But you cannot rely on a guy like this. He will disappear in big games, he will open his mouth when he shouldn't -- overall, he simply acts like a three-year-old child rather than an adult. You don't give 75 million bones to a three-year-old child. Red did.
"Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?"
This one goes out to most gutless group of human beings allowed to roam this country -- the NFL front office, led by Paul Tagliabue. First, they do the right thing by replacing the referees with replacements after the refs had the nerve to reject a contract offer that would have paid them 40% more this year and doubled their wages by 2003. The replacement referees did a fine job. The striking NFL refs saw this, got nervous, and immediately returned to the bargaining table (I know some people say it was because of September 11, but I doubt that -- the refs are so damn stupid they probably didn't even know about the attacks until a week later). What does the NFL do? They cave in for no apparent reason. The NFL Referees Association then accepted a six-year contract offer that increased salaries 50% immediately and 100 percent by 2004. My question is -- WHY? The NFL refs deserved a raise about as much as I deserve the title "Mr. Politically Correct." The NFL needs to hire FULL-TIME officials. The dolts they have running around in white tights and striped shirts every Sunday either 1) Belong in a nursing home eating oatmeal (Dick Hantak), or 2) Belong in special education classes (Phil Luckett and Terry McAulay). They are a joke, and the NFL front office is afraid to do anything about it. The way they back up the officials regardless of how bad they screw-up is totally appalling. The NFL referees are buck-naked, we all see it -- but the NFL head honchos don't.
There you have it. Congratulations to this year's winners. And good luck to all of those who didn't make the list this season….
See more of Shawn's columns at SportsTerminal.com!
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