ot to get all religious on you, but we have to admit it: By even discussing this particular aspect of Bullz-Eye's TV Girlfriends, we're basically asking you to consider breaking one of the Ten Commandments…specifically, #7. After all, was it not Saint Augustine who said, "If a man has no opportunity of living with another man's wife, but if it is obvious for some reason that he would like to do so, and would do so if he could, he is no less guilty than if he was caught in the act"?
No, seriously, we don't know. Was it?
Well, anyway, one thing we do know is that when you look at the television landscape and see all of the lovely ladies, your first thought usually isn't, "Oh, man, I hope they're not married." But the reality is that some of them are already betrothed to another. Not that that should concern you when it comes to voting for any of these women. Have you looked at the stats on divorce lately? Heck, any of these fine females could be back on the market by the time this piece goes live. As such, there's no harm in picking a favorite. Y'know, just in case.
The variety of personality types within our list of nominees is wide and varied – cold, competitive, sweet and understanding are just some of the adjectives that could be utilized amongst the group – but one thing is consistent: every single one of them is gorgeous. As in previous rounds, we invite you to investigate both the pros and cons within the nominations for "Thy Neighbor's Wife," and after you've determined which one is hot enough to inspire adultery, don't forget to come back on October 30th to see who won and to place your vote for the final category, "Totally Out of Our League."
Eva Longoria Parker, "Desperate Housewives"
Sure, on the surface, Gabrielle Marquez Solis Lang Solis seems to be something of a vain, materialistic whore – but beneath her gift for adultery, love of haute couture, and casual relationship with the truth, Gaby is really a caring friend, loyal wife, and loving mother, the kind of woman who isn't too proud to forgive someone for switching her birth control pills with sugar placebos, or too shallow to spend five years caring for her husband after he's been blinded by wind-whipped debris during a freak tornado. Of course, this is also the husband she blackmailed into caring for her lovechild in exchange for her testimony during his trial for gay hate crimes, but why quibble? Point is, Gaby is a stone cold fox, whether she's humping her teenage gardener, strong-arming her maid into acting as a surrogate womb, or stealing a pile of cash from her drug-dealing tenant/"close friend." And it's hard not to respect a woman who, knowing her blinded husband is getting his sight back, goes the extra mile to regain her old figure. Gaby might be happily married at the moment, but with enough persuasion, she could be just a wisteria's width away from another roll in the hay. Just make sure you don't stick around long enough for things to get crazy.
January Jones, "Mad Men"
While having her third baby under heavy sedation, Betty imagines her father telling her "You're a housecat. You're very important and you have little to do." A remarkably beautiful ex-model who maintains her Grace Kelly-like looks with apparently effortless grace despite bearing three children in the early sixties, she is an intelligent woman with too much time on her hands and no one she can fully relate to. Her husband, Don, may be a handsome and charismatic devil who actually loves her, but that doesn't stop the manipulative so-and-so from habitually cheating on her. Her brother is a jerk, her friends don't seem particularly attentive, and her children are just children. With some occasional inappropriate behavior that's mostly a cry for help, Betty tends to bring out our inner rescuer despite the fact that she's capable of being fairly petty and is not above revenge sex. Still, there's nothing wrong with Betty that being plunked into the middle of a good seventies sitcom wouldn't cure. Give her a theme song, a fulfilling career, affectionate coworkers, and a good, slightly less attractive, ethnic pal she can really trust, and, you'll see, she might just make it after all.
Courtney Cox, "Friends"
She's an opinionated, anal retentive control freak with a nasty competitive streak and a stubborn womb, but Ross's little sister inarguably got the looks in the Geller clan – and because of her shameful past as a calorie-inhaling fat chick (and current occupation as a chef), you know two things: One, she can cook a mean meal; and two, she'll always work just a little bit harder in the sack. Even better, despite her striking good looks (and in spite of her often grating personality), Monica has often been insecure enough about men to date anyone – a middle-aged ophthalmologist, a schlubby wannabe Ultimate Fighting Champion, a "fun" alcoholic, and even the smart-mouthed nebbish across the hall, who she finally ended up marrying in 2001. Monica and Chandler fled New York City with their infant twins in 2004, the picture of domestic bliss – but hey, that was five whole years ago, and one of them is almost guaranteed to have driven the other insane by now. If you've got enough eccentricities (and one of them is a supernatural ability to withstand repeated, high-volume blasts of "I KNOW!" in your ear), who knows? Play your cards right, and you could be the Big Fat Goalie's next main squeeze.
Yunjin Kim, "Lost"
This isn't the first time we've fallen for the emotionally wounded daughter of a Korean gangster whose love for a poor fisherman's son is so strong that she would leave her own child behind in order to return to a mysterious island in hopes of finding him, only to discover that he's trapped 30 years in the past. Well, all right, perhaps it is the first time, but despite the 747 worth of baggage that Sun Kwon carries with her, she is one of the few women that we would endure that kind of suffering to be with, no matter how many times we had to do it. She's a lovely slice of Korean cheesecake to be sure, but it's the eyes that have us; they have a look-into-my-soul ache (or is it come hither?) that no mortal can resist. Of course, carrying on an affair with Sun is no simple task; the last person who tried it, her English tutor, was thrown from a hotel balcony. But rest assured that Sun will do her part to keep your liaison a secret; not only did her husband not know about her affair with the English tutor, he didn't even know about the English tutor. Sun is a woman looking for an escape, and we are only happy to provide her with one, even if it kills us.
Perrey Reeves, "Entourage"
No offense to the other contestants, but if there's one woman who embodies our idea of the perfect MILF, it's Mrs. Ari. Heck, we don't even know her first name, and to be completely honest, we're not entirely sure we want to. While most women her age would be perfectly happy spending their husband's hard-earned money while some stranger takes care of the kids, Mrs. Ari seems content with simply being a housewife. She even gave up a promising acting career as a soap star to start a family. That doesn't mean she's completely against reaping the benefits, however, and though we wouldn't exactly categorize her as a trophy wife, there have been times where it's taken more than a fancy dinner or a shopping spree to find a way back into her good graces. (Like, for instance, when Ari buys her a brand new Maserati and she still doesn't forgive him). It may look like Mrs. Ari is all about the money, but she has plenty of her own thanks to a sizable trust fund, and really, who wouldn't give a woman with that kind of body whatever she wanted? Couple that with a personality that's strong enough to equal out even the biggest egomaniac and it's no surprise that someone like Ari would remain loyal to her.
The first five nominees in the "Thy Neighbor's Wife" category are all worthy objects of our affection, but they certainly aren't the only married women to win our hearts. Below you'll find five more brides to consider before placing your vote.
Alyson Hannigan, "How I Met Your Mother"
There isn't any harder nut to crack within this or any of our lists than the woman known as Mrs. Marshall Ericksen. Lily's been devoted to her big lug of a husband since they met in college, and it's completely and utterly mutual. Frankly, it's not hard to see why: not only is she as cute as a button, but we suspect there are porn stars that aren't as sexually ravenous as she is. Not that we'd know…but she would, as she regularly (if quietly) acknowledges her appreciation of that particular genre of cinema. You don't find many kindergarten teachers willing to admit that. You probably shouldn't hold your breath that you can sway Lily away from Marshall...and even if you did, the man's a behemoth, so it'd probably be the last thing you ever did…but, dammit, look at her attributes. Isn't it at least worth trying?
Cheryl Hines, "Curb Your Enthusiasm"
Look up "long suffering" in the dictionary, and you'll find a picture of lovely, sharp-witted wife of the creator of "Seinfeld" – or you would until she finally had one provocation too many and dumped the selfish, dishonest, ultra-neurotic Larry David. Still, she can't quite seem to get Larry completely out of her life, and that's a bad sign because he really doesn't deserve this elfin ball of good humor and relative good sense. We know she can do better – in fact, with her, we're willing to say that anyone on our writing staff would likely be a step up; the bar is that low.
Judy Reyes, "Scrubs"
Looking to play doctor? Would you settle for playing with a nurse? Carla comes to us from the Dominican Republic (though her husband continues to make references to origins in Mexico and Puerto Rico), and she's as much of a spitfire as that typical Hispanic cliché would have you expect. Now, be forewarned that her father ran out on her family when she was a child, so she doesn't enter serious relationships quickly…or leave them, either. As such, you'd think that getting past her husband would be the hardest part of forging a relationship with Carla, but it's actually her daughter Isabella. Still, buried underneath all that motherhood is a dedicated career woman, a good friend to men and women alike, and…oh, right, a hot body, too.
Victoria Principal, "Dallas"
Of all the women to come in and out of J.R. Ewing's life, there's really only one that he never got to explore between the sheets, and that's his brother Bobby's wife Pam. This resulted in much frustration on the part of the oilman everyone loves to hate, and Pam became a frequent target of his biting insults and dastardly schemes. Who can blame the guy? Pam had everything: looks, class, intelligence…lack of a drinking problem. Her only real problem was her inability to be able to conceive a child of her own, so if any part of your coveting involves offspring, you'll probably lose interest in her pretty quickly. However, having seen her in a bathing suit, the process of at least trying to make some babies with Pam is a huge draw.
Connie Britton, "Friday Night Lights"
It would be utterly classless to refer to the lovely and intelligent wife of Coach Eric Taylor as a MILF, so how about calling her a MILK, instead? As in, "Mother I'd Like to Know." And "know" can be taken in a couple different ways, so we've got all the bases covered. Tami Taylor has had to regularly remind the coach of his place in the community, while at the same time remaining supportive and loyal. Most wives given those tasks would come across as either bitchy or soft, but Tami accomplishes both without being one or the other, and the fact that she's also the high school principal makes her into the sort of stuff that teenage boys…and quite a few of their dads…daydream about.
Now that you've seen our 10 nominees in the "Thy Neighbor's Wife" category, it's time to make your voice heard by voting for your favorite. If you need to refresh your memory before casting your ballot, click the thumbnails below to revisit each nominee's writeup. Then, come back on Friday, October 30 for the unveiling of the next and final TV Girlfriends list, "Totally Out of Our League," and to see which character prevailed in the "Thy Neighbor's Wife" voting.
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of Our League