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Tucker Max, Tucker is a pimp
Tucker is a pimp 
by: Tucker Max

Tucker Max Home / Vices ChannelEntertainment Channel / Bullz-Eye Home

Want to read more of Tucker Max's tales of belligerence & debauchery? Visit!


A friend of mine works for a large consulting company, and he invited me to a function his firm held at a Chicago bar. The liquor was free, so I agreed to attend.

I am not one that really concerns myself with “social norms” or “appropriate attire,” and as a result, I showed up to this event looking like a complete slob; jeans, flip-flops and unshaven was my look of the day. But even though I resembled an out of work Macaroni Grill waiter, the women there still loved me.

This is not bragging on my part -- I was competing with business analysts and computer consultants. Me going up against these guys in competition for women is like Pedro Martinez pitching in the Little League World Series. It borders on criminal abuse.

Plus, by dressing so “casually,” I actually helped my chances. A look that might be interpreted as “unkempt slob” in other circumstances, turns into “alluring bad boy” when you’re hanging out with computer geeks.

At one point, a fairly attractive girl wandered over to my area and made some silly pretense in order to start a conversation with me. I can’t remember what it was she said, as I was too busy trying to stuff beers into my pockets before the open bar ended. We began talking, and she asked me how it was I came to attend the event, the unstated question being, “You obviously don’t belong here, so who are you, and what are you doing dressed like that?” The conversation went something like this:

Her "So, who do you know here?”
Tucker "No one. I just heard there was free liquor, so, you know…Game On.”
Her "Nice. Drinking alone is one of the beginning stages of alcoholism.”
Tucker "Oh I’m way past the beginning stages. I already sit alone in the dark and drink, and hide liquor around my house. I’m a full blown, irreversible alcoholic.”
Her "Nice. Excellent.”
Tucker "But you know, I think alcoholism is highly underrated. It gets a bad rap. Think about: What really are the detriments to being an alcoholic?”
Her "I don’t know. You tell me.”
Tucker "OK, well, let’s think about it: 1. It hurts relationships with family and friends? I don’t like those people anyway; 2. Causes long term health problems? I drive way too fast to worry about anything long term; 3. Costs money? I’m going to spend it recklessly anyway, better on alcohol than on drugs or pornography; 4. Causes rude and aberrant behavior? I’m an asshole when I’m sober; being drunk actually calms me down. Now compare that to it’s benefits: It makes me invulnerable to criticism, makes ugly people attractive, makes boring people seem interesting, and makes hot girls like me. For my money, the choice is obvious.”

Much to my surprise, she thought I was hilarious. I was fully expecting to have to ditch my stolen beers and turn and run in order to avoid an “incident” with security, but instead she spent the next fifteen minutes laughing non-stop at my bullshit, and, to her credit, she was smart enough to give it back to me a few times.

The event was winding down, and my friend came over to get me (we had plans for after the event), when she looks at me and says, "So, are you going to ask for my number?” Not to be outdone, I come back with, "Well, if you like, we could skip all the formalities and just fuck in the bathroom.”

Anyway, I got her number, and as soon as anything funny happens, you’ll be the first to know. After I tell my real friends, of course.

To get in touch with Tucker, visit!


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