Tucker is a pimp
by: Tucker Max
04/25/05
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NOTE:
STORY CONTAINS EXPLICIT CONTENT. FUNNY AS HELL, BUT EXPLICIT.
A friend of mine works for a large consulting company, and he invited me to a
function his firm held at a Chicago bar. The liquor was free, so I agreed to
attend.
I am not one that really concerns myself with “social norms” or “appropriate
attire,” and as a result, I showed up to this event looking like a complete
slob; jeans, flip-flops and unshaven was my look of the day. But even though I
resembled an out of work Macaroni Grill waiter, the women there still loved me.
This is not bragging on my part -- I was competing with business analysts and
computer consultants. Me going up against these guys in competition for women is
like Pedro Martinez pitching in the Little League World Series. It borders on
criminal abuse.
Plus, by dressing so “casually,” I actually helped my chances. A look that might
be interpreted as “unkempt slob” in other circumstances, turns into “alluring
bad boy” when you’re hanging out with computer geeks.
At one point, a fairly attractive girl wandered over to my area and made some
silly pretense in order to start a conversation with me. I can’t remember what
it was she said, as I was too busy trying to stuff beers into my pockets before
the open bar ended. We began talking, and she asked me how it was I came to
attend the event, the unstated question being, “You obviously don’t belong here,
so who are you, and what are you doing dressed like that?” The conversation went
something like this:
Her "So, who do you know here?”
Tucker "No one. I just heard there was free liquor, so, you know…Game On.”
Her "Nice. Drinking alone is one of the beginning stages of alcoholism.”
Tucker "Oh I’m way past the beginning stages. I already sit alone in the dark
and drink, and hide liquor around my house. I’m a full blown, irreversible
alcoholic.”
Her "Nice. Excellent.”
Tucker "But you know, I think alcoholism is highly underrated. It gets a bad
rap. Think about: What really are the detriments to being an alcoholic?”
Her "I don’t know. You tell me.”
Tucker "OK, well, let’s think about it: 1. It hurts relationships with family
and friends? I don’t like those people anyway; 2. Causes long term health
problems? I drive way too fast to worry about anything long term; 3. Costs
money? I’m going to spend it recklessly anyway, better on alcohol than on drugs
or pornography; 4. Causes rude and aberrant behavior? I’m an asshole when I’m
sober; being drunk actually calms me down. Now compare that to it’s benefits: It
makes me invulnerable to criticism, makes ugly people attractive, makes boring
people seem interesting, and makes hot girls like me. For my money, the choice
is obvious.”
Much to my surprise, she thought I was hilarious. I was fully expecting to have
to ditch my stolen beers and turn and run in order to avoid an “incident” with
security, but instead she spent the next fifteen minutes laughing non-stop at my
bullshit, and, to her credit, she was smart enough to give it back to me a few
times.
The event was winding down, and my friend came over to get me (we had plans for
after the event), when she looks at me and says, "So, are you going to ask for
my number?” Not to be outdone, I come back with, "Well, if you like, we could
skip all the formalities and just fuck in the bathroom.”
Anyway, I got her number, and as soon as anything funny happens, you’ll be the
first to know. After I tell my real friends, of course.
To get in touch with Tucker, visit TuckerMax.com!
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