It can be hard to part ways with a significant other, especially one as beautiful as the iPhone. But believe me, you’ll make it through. Chances are she already knows you were cheating. And sure, one of your new phones might not be as sexy as the old one, but she’ll be so much more functional. She’ll be less demanding of your time and attention. She’ll even be willing to explore an open relationship, let you get your hands on some other phones. If you ever need to upgrade to a younger, faster model, she’ll understand.
Your iPhone, on the other hand, will not take this well. She will keep coming around, begging you to wrap your hands around her one last time. That’s why I’ve put together this guide. The iPhone is a clever beast, but by following this guide, you’ll be ready to kick her to the curb for good.
Make a Clean Break
If you thought the iPhone was going to let you put it down without a fight, think again. You’ll come home from work, a day your Android helped you get through, and there will be the iPhone sprawled out across your desk without a case on. She’ll beg you to pick her up, to play through one last game of Angry Birds for old time’s sake. “Don’t we owe each other that much?” she’ll ask.
Your Android will play Angry Birds too, friend, and she won’t ask for anything in return. Pass your iPhone off as soon as possible, preferably to someone you don’t see too often. Whatever the cost, you have to get her out of your house. As long as you still see her, you won’t be able to avoid wondering, “what if?”
Get Rid of Her Crap
Did you really think it was a good idea to start a new relationship while the evidence of your old flame remains littered about the house? That case you bought her, you know, the one with no back – get rid of it. The sheer screen protector – throw it out. The alarm clock dock, the custom tripod, all of the stands and accessories, get rid of it all. Nothing scares off a potential new phone faster than incompatible accessories and applications. The new phones you bring back to the bachelor pad should feel like they are the only phone in your life, even if it’s just for one night.
Play the Market
Gentlemen, there is no reason you need to stick with a new phone after dumping your iPhone. You haven’t been this free in at least two years – enjoy it. Get out there and get your hands on some of those younger, sexier handsets. Is screen size really important? You bet your ass it is, but it can be overdone. Look for a phone that strikes a balance between beauty and power. After all, you want a phone you can throw around a little bit, right? Right.
This is usually the phase where you start to miss your iPhone most. Things were simple with her. You didn’t have to make any choices. It was just you and her and none of these other phones mattered, which brings us to the next step.
Stop Romanticizing Your Relationship
You and your iPhone probably had a lot of good times together, but that doesn’t make her perfect. You might miss her, but don’t forget about the things that you truly hated. She was terrible at retrieving messages in a timely fashion. She was pretty bad at multitasking too. She was constantly forgetting the important messages your apps told her to give you. It was impossible to find her the right charger if you somehow forgot it on your vacation. Let’s not even get started with her daddy issues. Of course, who could blame her. That guy made more than one slimy business deal over the course of the last year. Remember, you broke up for a reason. Don’t let the things you liked about her overshadow that.
Appreciate Other Phones
No matter what phone you pick, no relationship is perfect. You will have petty fights with her. She will frustrate you to the point of screaming at times. It’s important that you keep a little perspective. Isn’t it great that she lets you transfer her apps to a new handset without trouble? Don’t you love that can pop her SD card into another phone on the road? How bout the fact that she reminds you of the messages your apps sent until you ask her to stop. Those little things will keep you coming back time and time again, igniting the flame that made you love your Android in the first place.
Breaking up with your iPhone isn’t easy, but if you can stick to these steps, you’ll be in a happy relationship with an Android in no time.
By Jeff Morgan
