Really must see TV
They blew it again.
How many times can these people go to the well and come up empty?
They're such dummies, the dummies.
How many non-stop, consecutive years in a row can they not ask for my opinion?
How many times can these people look at each other, nod their heads and say, "Hey, this sounds like a good idea to me -- Magic Johnson sitting behind a desk interviewing people. Let's do it!"
Every day, I sit, staring at the telephone. Waiting for the calls that never come.
The calls from ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, UPN and the WB.
The calls that should say, "Lane, thank God you're home. We need your help. We have no idea what we're doing. Help us! Please, help us with our programming!"
But those calls never happen, do they?
And so, here I am again. Sitting. Waiting. Staring at the phone.
I'm staring because no one ever calls.
Well, that one guy keeps calling wanting to know if I'd like a secured Visa card from Chase Manhattan Bank at 5.9% interest for the first three months. And that woman keeps calling to see if I'd like a complimentary issue of Ladies Home Journal. And that other guy keeps calling to find out if my roof leaks and even if it doesn't, would I like a free estimate to prevent it from leaking. In case it ever did. Because it could. And that other guy keeps calling to see if I'm interested in meeting available single women in my area.
Well technically, that guy doesn't call me. I call him.
Other than that though, nobody ever calls. Ever.
Especially those television dummies. They're so dumb.
I mean, here I am on the cutting edge of popular culture. And I have my finger on the pulse of the next generation.
Of course, I get my finger slapped every time I put it there, but I try.
Yet instead of the network dummies talking to me -- someone who could help to create exciting new television programming -- they choose instead to rely on their own terrible instincts. And once again, we're left with another season of horrible, terrible television.
THE THREE BEST THINGS ON TV THIS YEAR:
1. Gilligan's Island
2. The cheerleader who keeps winking at me at the end of that Coors commercial.
3. That one game the Dolphins lost.
The thing is, I want to help. I really, truly do. I know I could come up with better stuff than what they've come up with.
But nobody's asking.
The thing is, I think I have ideas that I'm sure would bring in new viewers, keep their attention and generate excitement and interest in television, for the first time in a long time.
And while the network dummies aren't asking, I know you're interested in my ideas for quality shows. So here goes nothing.
And who knows? The dummies just might call next year.
Y'never know, y'know.
It could happen.
Nah, they're too dumb. The dummies.
Sunday, 9 pm, ABC
An attractive female undercover agent takes on dozens of different roles in her weekly quest to seek out and eliminate covert criminal activity. For example, in Episode 1, the only way she can crack a drug ring in a high school is to dress like the lead character in Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" video. For like, the whole show. Other roles/outfits that will always seem to work for her include playing: the French maid, the dirty nurse, the female cop w/joystick and the dominatrix. Oh, and your best friend's mom.
Wednesday, 9 pm, NBC
The Molest Wing
Each week, high-ranking government officials abuse their political power to influence the Secretary of Agriculture to allow them free reign of any and all farm animals previously protected by the Animal Cruelties Act of 1954. Viewer discretion is advised.
Sunday, 8 pm CBS
A womanizing doctor tries to balance the difficult task of keeping his practice afloat and screwing as many female patients as possible. Early in the first episode, we discover how he cleverly starts every patient consultation with, "So what seems to be your problem, miss? And did I mention I'm hung like a horse?" The subtlety plays well with his patients, who weekly succumb to his charms. Tension will ensue in episode three, however, when his 315-pound ex mother-in-law stops by for a throat culture.
Tuesday, 8 pm NBC
Just Root Me
Every week, we get to experience the inside workings of a fashion magazine. Well, it's not so much the magazine industry as it is about the fashion industry. Well, it's not so much about the fashion industry as it is about fashion models and modeling. Well, it's not so much about fashion models modeling as it is about supermodels who enjoy anal sex. At the fashion magazine where they work. See? I told you it was about a fashion magazine.
Thursday, 8 pm, NBC
Very, Very Close Friends
The show centers around six extremely close friends. Very close. Every episode has a complex plot line that always results in some sort of sexual encounter. Sample dialogue:
GIRL: God, work sucked today.
GUY: Well, if you insist.
SOUND EFFECT OF PANTS ZIPPER.
The nice thing about this show is that even if you miss the first six or eight minutes, when you walk into the room and see a six-way, you won't have to say to your buddies, "So what did I miss?"
Wednesday, 10 pm, CBS
Enormously Big Brother
Every week a large gentleman (and we don't mean tall) is placed in a house with 17 beautiful women. Every week, he has to ask one to leave by showing the woman the backdoor. If you catch my drift.
Tuesday, 8 pm, CBS
G.A.G., of course, stands for "Gosh, Admiral. Gigantic." Each week, unsuspecting women in the military are taken behind closed doors for a private discussion with an unseen man only known as the Admiral, whom we discover has only one arm, but apparently, he makes up for it in other ways. If you catch my drift.
Saturday, 8 pm, CBS
Touched at an Angle
Each week, an Amish woman who died in a horrible buggy-to-buggy head-on collision returns to earth as a gorgeous angel who experiments with one lucky man to discover new and remarkably uncompromising sexual positions. The show ends each week with the guy about to scream, "Oh my G…" But then the angel puts her hand over his mouth because she doesn't want to get in trouble with her boss.
Sunday, 7 pm, CBS
Each half-hour episode is back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back scenes of me initiating, engaging in and finishing sex.
Tuesday, 10 pm CBS
Judging Amy My Way
A totally hot judge faces the real life of the courtroom. We won't spend a whole lot of time in her courtroom, though. We will, however, spend a lot of time trying to figure out what she's wearing under her robe thanks to a hidden camera in her gavel. Also, sexual tension will ensue in the courtroom when the new bailiff, Thor, is hired in episode four.
Monday, 8:30 pm, ABC
Whose Behind Is It, Anyway?
Each week, three blindfolded married men are placed in front of three small doors. Behind each door is a behind. If you catch my drift. The men are then each allowed to do whatever they need to determine which behind belongs to their spouse. The winner gets a week's vacation in Hawaii. Or the opportunity to examine all three behinds one last time, "just to be sure." The losers get lovely parting gifts, and the phone number of a well-respected divorce attorney.
Sunday, 10 pm, E!
The Anna Not-so-nice-hole Show
You've heard of helmet cam? Introducing...the mouth cam! Thanks to modern technology, this reality-based show follows the exploits of a fat, crazy woman who doesn't think she's fat or crazy as we watch her from the perspective of her big, fat, crazy mouth! Every week we'll see disgusting video of flapping lips, chomping teeth and her tongue licking the extra peanut butter off the knife. But the true beauty of the innovation is when we see countless Twinkies heading directly toward the camera. And mounds of M & M's covering the lens. And the straining sight of her clenched teeth during a bowel movement that resulted from an all-night binge at Taco Bell.
Tuesdays, 8 pm, UPN
Buffy The Vampire Layer
Hot chick. Totally into the occult. Gets turned on by blood, holes in necks, slicked-back black hair, pasty white skin, capes, weird voices, coffins, bats, dripping bloody teeth and sons of dead comedians.
Sunday, 9 pm, HBO
A twist to the old mafia story. We follow a New Jersey mob guy and his family. And we see the daily grind of everyday life balanced with the harsh realities of the underworld. But in this show, nobody ever gets killed. Although there's always a great deal of whacking. If you catch my drift.
Monday, 9 pm, NBC
3rd Can Watch
Each week, a hidden camera is placed in a randomly chosen beautiful single woman's bedroom to give viewers "that true peeping Tom experience."
Wednesday, 8 pm, WB
Each week, high school students learn about life, growing up and dealing with important issues. Tentative titles for the first three episodes:
*"I Swear I Can Explain These Rug Burns."
*"Panties Or No Panties? Panties Or No Panties?"
*"Grandma's Right: It Does Taste A Little Salty."
Monday, 8 pm, NBC
This reality show places men in real-life situations with large-assed women, and then the exact same situation with tight-assed women to see if a man's decision-making is in any way influenced by the size of a woman's ass. For example, in episode 1, a woman with a tight ass in shorts and stilletos is stranded by the side of a road. We'll see that 27 out of 27 men will stop to ask her if she needs help. Then, we'll re-enact the scene with a large woman with a huge ass who will also be stranded by the side of the road. We'll see that 27 out of 27 men will attempt to drive over her. While the evidence pretty much points to, "Yes, a man's decision-making is influenced by the size of a woman's ass" after the first episode, additional episodes will be critically important to further substantiate the hypothesis.
Monday, 9 pm, CBS
Everybody Loves Rammin'
A well-endowed stay-at-home man cracks jokes, charms neighborhood housewives, and then does them all before dinner. Which he cooks, by the way.
Monday, 8pm, ABC
A nerdy guy hasn't had sex for an extended period of time and is beginning to experience a bit of discomfort downstairs. If you catch my drift. Each week we follow him as he attempts to end his "streak," to no avail. The series ends in week 13 as the lead character explodes.
Thursday, 8 pm, Fox
Each week, the hairiest women in the Northeast get together to talk about grooming and shaving techniques in the land down under. While most of the close shots will be blocked out due to the censors, still, it'll be a good show.
Tuesday, 8 pm, UPN
Drill More Girls
Each week, this multi-generational drama focuses on family and friends centering around a small eclectic town, where every man hopes to fulfill the great American dream of life, liberty and nailing a hot mom and her hot daughter at the same time.
Thursday, 10 pm, NBC
ER…sorry. I think I'm done
Each week, we explore the private lives of couples as we watch men with "issues" attempt to explain to their girlfriends or wives that, "there's a ton of editing in those damn movies and two minutes is such a long time."
Friends, Romans, countrymen, I urge you:
Write your local network affiliates.
Express your displeasure. Tell them how unhappy your are with the dummies.
Tell them you want better TV.
And tell them you know where to find it.
Me? I'll be here. Sitting around. Waiting for their calls.
Also, tell them not to worry about getting a busy signal or anything.
Please let them know I've got call waiting. Just in case I'm on the phone with that guy about those single women.