So, there I was in my not-so-friendly little beer shop, desperately wanting something to wash the memory of the several less than satisfactory beers I’ve managed to try lately completely out of my mind. I usually don’t go this long without stumbling onto at least one worthwhile beer, but it had been a bad run. Time to get back to real beer, I thought.
Then I foolishly grabbed a six of Bavaria Holland instead, and the streak continued.
The name is probably what confused me at first. I saw the ‘Bavaria’ and my beer craving mind immediately thought ‘Germany’ — that’ll do. It wasn’t until I got it home that I discovered the operative word was ‘Holland.’ Brewed there by a friendly little family, by all accounts very nice people. Apparently, a very hard working little family. It’s the second largest brand in The Netherlands, but I’d never heard of it.
I know why now.
Still, I thought, Holland does a good beer. My hopes were still high, and the taste buds were still craving. That brewery has been pumping out beer for nearly 300 years; they must know what they’re doing by now.
Well, you certainly wouldn’t know it by this beer.
Bavaria Holland is a pilsner style lager that is incomprehensibly made to appeal to American tastes — the unrefined ones of the ignorant masses. It looks, smells and tastes a lot like an American macro. Maybe just the slightest step up from one, but very slight. It has a lighter feel than even the already light genuine pilsners. The bitterness from the hops is subdued, almost absent. There is no aftertaste.
The question must be asked: Why in the world would anybody import a beer that is made to taste just like the run-of-the-mill domestic swill? It is cheap for an export, but still more than the macros it emulates.
I have no answer.
The fact that there is no reason for this beer doesn’t mean it’s necessarily bad. It’s not awful at all. It’s just about as average as average gets. It would wash down any meal as inoffensively as the usual Bud. It won’t add much enjoyment to the experience, but it won’t ruin a dinner any more than a glass of water would. It would also tolerably slake a thirst on a dry hot day as well as that ice water might.
It’s also very drinkable in an average sort of way. It’s not filling. At 4.8% alcohol, it’s not strong. The bland taste will let you get as many of these down your neck as you can handle.
So, if you feel like dropping an extra buck or two, but don’t feel like paying a few cents more than that for something really decent, or you just like the idea of having an imported beer but only really want a flavorless beer like the one you normally drink, go right ahead and have a Bavaria Holland. Or just pour your can of Bud in a glass and pretend you are.
You pretentious prat.
By Mike Barkacs
