It’s summertime, guys, and unkempt body hair is out. Since you’re going to be wearing less clothing in these hot months, more of your physical flaws are viewable by the female eye than ever. So while your abs may not be great, your overall body hair — the real deal breaker — is something you can control in a matter of minutes. Let’s examine body hair, including areas that are often ignored, and see what we can do to combat it and outwit other males to ensure reproduction methods with the female of our choice.
FACIAL HAIR
No matter what Brian Wilson wants you to believe, summer is no time for a beard or a moustache. Is there a worse feeling than being stuck outside (working, gardening, drinking) in 98 degree heat being pelted by the merciless rays of the sun? It’s amplified tenfold if you’re all bearded/goateed up because it absorbs all the sweat from your head and just SITS there. Beards are great for winter, especially if you think scarves are for girls, and moustaches work in the fall. But in the summer, less is more. How else can you feel the soothing caress of your special lady’s hand on your face if it’s covered by facial hair? You can’t, so clean it up!
HEAD HAIR
Long hair and summertime mix about as well as Jello shots and a five hour Tilt-a-Whirl ride. Warmer weather means more time spent outside, and spending that time cool and comfortable is much preferred to sweaty and irritated. A cleaner, neater look is what summer is all about. Unless you’re Vince Neil or Tom Brady, keep it short and to the point. Plus, for those of you trying to shed some pounds, keeping your hair short makes you look thinner.
EAR HAIR
I was 16 and in Scotland for the first time. As much as I want to remember anything else about the trip, the only thing I could focus on at the time and remember to this day is the immense amount of hair my host had protruding from each ear. It had the density of unkempt weeds of a highway off ramp and the thickness of the Sequoia National Park. I couldn’t listen to anything this man said or respect any of his opinions because of one simple fact: His ear hair was out of control. When was the last time you thought about or even looked at your ear hair? If you can see it in the mirror, it needs to be trimmed. Even if you go to Wal-Mart and buy the cheapest trimmer (for around $10), it could be the difference between spending time with a hot “Betty” you met poolside, and another night playing “Modern Warfare” and drinking PBR. I think the choice is obvious.
NECK HAIR
Put simply, if your neck hair is out of control, people automatically assume that your life is out of control. We either control our neck hair and control our lives, or our neck hair controls us and limits our social marketability. If we were to put the neck hair problem that most men face into female terms, it would be like getting introduced to an otherwise hot woman who has enough upper lip hair to make Dennis Eckersley blush. Oh sure, you can probably succeed in spite of it, like Ghengis Khan or Tom Jones, but let’s work smart guys, not hard. Assume it looks bad at all times and before a day at the beach or lake, get a buddy to drag a straight razor across it. Then repay him in kind. Up yours, neck hair.
NOSE HAIR
If your body is a business, your face is its billboard; would you do business with a guy with nose hair sticking out? Rest assured, the chicks will talk about you behind your back and in your company when you keep rubbing your nose midsentence because it feels like a gnat is flying around it. But in reality, it’s your own nose hair whisker, getting laughs at your expense. When checking nose hair in the mirror before heading out for the day, double, then triple check to make sure you’re on point. Nose hair is like Al-Qaeda; they usually attack in groups and just when you think you’ve got it squashed, another one pops up out of nowhere. The one long one is only there to distract you. Use the trimmer you already purchased for $10 and buzz the entire inside of your nostrils up until you hit your brain stem.
BACK HAIR
Yes, back hair is hard to shave by yourself, but that isn’t an excuse anymore; its summertime and the babes are sifting through men the way Vanna White rips through vowels. Spend the money to get it waxed. It’s worth it to not have to wonder, while chilling on a boat in the Lake of the Ozarks with a beer in hand, if that hot girl you were talking to earlier can see your back hair stubble when she is behind you, getting a beer out of the cooler. Enough said.
All right guys, the hard part is over. Now get out there and approach a babe you think you have no shot with. Your neatly trimmed body hair and hitherto unknown confidence may tip the scales in your favor…or maybe she’s been pounding Rumple Minze since 10 AM. Either way, seize the day!
