Ten years ago on Valentine’s Day in the quiet town of Harmony, a local miner named Harry Warden awoke from a coma he was placed in due to a mining accident. He immediately went a little berserk and decided to kill 22 people, most of which were a bunch of fun-lovin’ kids having a booze and sex party in the local mines. Harry was killed that night by the local fuzz. Now, it looks like Harry might just be back as someone’s on the loose again in Harmony. He’s wearing that same miner’s outfit Harry wore and wields a hell of a pickaxe. And hey, it’s in 3-D.
Jensen Ackles plays Tom Hanniger, the son of the owner of the Hanniger mines where Harry Warden went on his rampage. Hanniger is back to close the mines and piss off a lot of folks in Harmony. After all, the mine is what keeps the town thriving. In the interim, Tom’s old flame, Sarah (Jaime King), has married and settled down with local sheriff, Axel Palmer (Kerr Smith). Oh yes, and these three characters are the only survivors of that terrible night ten years ago. So obviously, there’s going to be tension and finger pointing and mayhem.
“My Bloody Valentine 3-D” is about as rote and obvious as a horror flick can get. But perhaps that was the intent. Director Patrick Lussier throws in every possible cliché from any ‘80s horror flick you’d care to name. Gratuitous nudity and sex? Check. Female characters running around screaming and falling down so the killer can catch up to them? Check. Cheeseball gore and dialogue so wooden you could take it and turn it into a toothpick factory? Double check. It’s all there in spades; the problem is that it just isn’t much fun.
Part of the problem lies within the movie’s own weak excuse as an homage to the gore of yesteryear, but it also comes down to the simple fact there have been so many movies spoofing horror movies like this over the past couple of decades that it renders something like this as even less of an experience than it could be. Yes, there are ridiculous and amusing moments like when Sarah and coworker Megan (Megan Boone) are trapped inside a grocery store office in which the killer is trying to break into with his pickaxe (yawn) and Megan is trying to escape through a padlocked window, trying every key on the chain and finally screaming “I can’t do it!” Or there’s the bit where Tom Atkins (of glorious “Halloween: Season of the Witch” fame) is about to bite it really hard and just exclaims “Oh, shit!” in a rather half-assed way. But the thrills are few and far between here – though for the most part, the story does keep the viewer on his toes about who the killer might actually be. The obvious reveal in the ending is actually too obvious and makes the whole thing seem entirely pointless.
2 / 5 Stars
Starring: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith, Tom Atkins, Kevin Tighe
Director: Patrick Lussier
Reviewed by Jason Thompson
Two-Disc Special Edition DVD Review:
Hey, if you’re going to watch crap, you may as well get your money’s worth, right? This special two-disc version of the movie includes a director’s commentary (with co-writer Todd Farmer) on Disc One, while disc two houses such featurettes as “Deep Inside ‘My Bloody Valentine’” and “Sex, Blood, and Screams.” Then there are the usual deleted and extended scenes, the expected gag reel, and the equally expected alternate ending for anyone who might care. But it’s hard to care about any of this mess of a flick, and the extra disc really won’t be of any amusement to anyone unless you just want to drag the experience out even longer. It’s not necessary, but then again, neither was this movie. As for the 3-D effects, well, they were probably super-impressive in the theater, but at home with the cardboard red and blue-lensed glasses, it’s not that thrilling. As usual with these 3-D discs, the effect is dampened by things just being out of focus at times, diminishing the effect and generally having a washed-out color that your eyes have to adjust to over time. But there’s a 2-D version on the flip side of the disc if you just want to watch the movie in a standard format.
