They write. I write back. Oddly, the conversation ends
03/14/2003
Strauss Home / Humor Channel / Bullz-Eye Home
From: demi
To: lstrauss@bullz-eye.com
Subject: Lstrauss…earn $150 for your opinions!
Dear lstrauss:
GET PAID FOR YOUR OPINIONS!
Earn up to $150 For an Hour of Work!
Find out How Your Ideas and Insights Can Work For You!
From: lstrauss@bullz-eye.com
To: demi
Subject: RE: Lstrauss…earn $150 for your opinions!
Dear Demi:
Hey, thanks for writing.
I've received your message and I'm extremely interested in being paid $150 for my opinions.
My first opinion is that I think I should get $200 for my opinions instead of $150 for my opinions because I have very strong and heartfelt opinions on many, many topics which I believe you'll find useful.
Here's an example:
I believe people who don't properly cross at intersections should have their feet cut off to teach them a lesson.
I have many more opinions like this, many of which I'd enjoy sharing with you for $200 per opinion. For $150, I'll keep them to myself.
Please let me know when I can expect to receive my cash.
And if it's going to take a long time to be paid, well, I have an opinion on that, too.
Thank you.
Lane Strauss
*****************
From: melissa
To: lstrauss@bullz-eye.com
Subject: Are You Suffering?
DO YOU SUFFER FROM MOOD SWINGS, BIPOLAR DISORDER OR DEPRESSION?
LEARN MORE ABOUT HOW WE CAN HELP.
From: lstrauss@bullz-eye.com
To: melissa
Subject: RE: Are you Suffering?
Dear Melissa:
Hey, thanks for writing.
I'm so glad to have heard from you today.
Jesus Christ, it's so goddamn gloomy outside. I wish I had a goddamn pistol. I'd blow my goddamn brains out, for chrissakes. This goddamn day sucks. I swear to God this sucks.
Hey look, there's a cute birdie outside my window. I feel better now.
Anyway, it was great to hear you might be able to help me. I don't really think I have mood swings or depression problems, but other people have suggested I might want to look into getting some help.
Oh, and screw you asshole for making me feel like shit for telling me I've got some sort of goddamn problem. Do you think I don't know I've got some sort of goddamn problem?
Goddamn asshole.
Shit. I hope the circus is coming to town soon. The circus always make me feel better. And happy.
At any rate, I'm so excited to find out how you might be able to help me. This could be a big, happy, joyful change in my life.
My life. Which is like emptiness covered with darkness blanketed with insufferable goddamn pain.
Crap, why do I keep wanting to type the word satan?
satansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatan satansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatan satansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatansatan.
Melissa, please write back soon so I can feel this great all the time. Because I really want to experience this positive side of life every single day. Like I am right now.
Instead of this violent anger and uncontrollable goddamn rage I'm feeling right now.
Goddamn it. Why is it so goddamned gloomy out?
Goddamn it.
Warmest personal regards,
Lane Strauss
*****************
From: 26620_10995_200302260602
To: lstrauss@bullz-eye.com
Subject: Increase Breast Size Naturally? Guaranteed!
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From: lstrauss@bullz-eye.com
To: 26620_10995_200302260602
Subject: RE: Increase Breast Size Naturally? Guaranteed!
Dear26620_10995_200302260602:
Hey, thanks for writing.
How's the wife, 26620_10995_200302260602? And I hope the little 26620_10995_200302260602's are doing well, too.
26620_10995_200302260602, while I'm a man in every sense of the word, I must admit, I'm intrigued by your offer to naturally enhance the size of my breasts.
Frankly, I've often wondered if having larger breasts would change my life in any way. Would people look at me differently, or would they treat me the same, the only difference being I had a nice rack?
Please believe me, 26620_10995_200302260602, it's not as if I've thought about this a lot, either. I mean, no more than when I've thought about what I would look like in my wife's strapless black dress.
Not the Armani one though, which makes my hips look too wide. The Fendi one, with the velour band around the neckline. It's stunning.
26620_10995_200302260602, I look forward to finding out more from you about getting fuller, firmer naturally enhanced breasts. As opposed to the empty, sagging breasts I now possess.
Take care 26620_10995_200302260602.
Lane Strauss
p.s. Do you have any sort of natural supplement to help someone with itchy gonads? I, um, have a friend who was wondering.
*****************
From: ES
To: lstrauss@bullz-eye.com
Subject: Someone Wants To Meet You.
lstrauss:
ARE YOU SINGLE?
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From: lstrauss@bullz-eye.com
To: ES
Subject: RE: Someone Wants To Meet You.
Dear ES:
Hey, thanks for writing.
Unfortunately I must tell you, no, I'm not single.
Nevertheless, I am definitely interested in developing quality relationships with singles.
However, I'm not interested in doing this "from the comfort and safety of my home," only because my wife is sitting in "my home" right now waiting for my sorry ass to walk in the door so she can yell at me about something I don't even remember doing.
Frankly, ES, I was hoping to develop quality relationships with singles in motels several suburbs away from "my home."
ES, I'm very happy and excited per your e-mail to see that "someone wants to meet me." I hope whoever they are, they're smart and funny and nice. I also hope the "someone who wants to meet me" enjoys "oral relations."
ES, could you also please note that if by some chance the "someone who wants to meet me" is someone who weighs more than 150 pounds, please tell the "someone who wants to meet me" that "I don't want to meet them."
Additionally, if the "someone who wants to meet me" calls our house and my wife answers, tell the "someone who wants to meet me" to say they're calling about our cable service and not to say, "Hi, I'm someone who wants to meet your husband." That would be a bad thing. Because if she did that, chances are, even though she was "someone who wants to meet me," she would not ever be "someone who meets me."
Thank you,
Lane Strauss
*****************
From: 26911_12627_200302280930
To: lstrauss@bullz-eye.com
Subject: Get a Seven-Day Coupon For The Purple Pill
lstrauss, how have you been?
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From: lstrauss@bullz-eye.com
To: 26911_12627_200302280930
Subject: RE: Get a Seven-Day Coupon For The Purple Pill
Dear 26911_12627_200302280930:
Hey, thanks for writing.
I would love a 7-day coupon for the Purple Pill. I don't really know what it is, but I don't often get things for free. Which is weird because I'm Jewish.
Question: What shade of purple is it? Is it a deep purple? Or something more towards the blue-ish side? I'm only asking because my winter coat is magenta and I think it would be kind of cool to take a pill that was a complementary color to what I was wearing.
Also, is the Purple Pill the one that I see Dorothy Hamill taking on those commercials on TV? And while I'm not really sure what her pill does, it looks like if you take it, you'll be a good skater.
The thing is, I've always wanted to skate. And my hair sort of looks like hers, anyway.
If your pill is a different pill than the one she's taking, that's okay though. I'll still take it. Because you seem nice, 26911_12627_200302280930.
Looking forward to receiving my seven-day coupon for the Purple Pill.
Regards,
Lane Strauss
p.s. Have you ever thought about a Beige Pill? I think that would sell well for you.
*****************
From: Fulfillment Center
To: lstrauss@bullz-eye.com
Subject: Free Bottle of Wine and Free Wine Accessories
Hey lstrauss…
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From: lstrauss@bullz-eye.com
To: Fulfillment Center
Subject: RE: Free Bottle of Wine and Free Wine Accessories
Dear Fulfillment Center:
Hey, thanks for writing.
Gosh, talk about a really great offer you've got there. I'm very excited. Super-excited, actually. And while I don't think we know each other, I consider myself fortunate we've made contact.
Please, please, please tell me you're not one of the people at my Alcoholics Anonymous meetings who's just trying to test me right now. That would piss me off like you can't believe.
I mean, Christ, those people are such a pain in the ass, y'know? Christ, it's been like 10 days since I've had a drink. So what if I wrecked that freaking stop sign? Jesus, there are a million stop signs, y'know? And you can't tell me I have the only Buick on the road with a busted headlight and dented side panel.
My wife's been giving me a rack of crap about my boozing, too. So if you could ship the wine to my office, that'd be great.
Honestly, I'm not really interested in your corkscrew and the glasses and the newsletter and all that "wine-related" stuff. I'm pretty much just interested in the wine. Is there any way I could get two bottles of wine instead of the other stuff? That'd be great, too.
Thanks again. And as they like to say in my favorite bar...cheers!
Aw, who am I kidding? Every bar is my favorite bar.
Thanks,
Lane Strauss
*****************
From: george
To: lstrauss@bullz-eye.com
Subject: oh my God, you are so f-ing stupid!
That article you just wrote on bullz-eye.com was the most incoherent, nonsensical piece of ignorant crap that I have ever read. What I am feeling for you is a fine blend of pity and extreme anger. I bet if you were to walk up to me right now, I would beat you to death with my fists. And I would feel very good about it too, because I would have rid the world of one more worthless piece of trash. I hate you so much. Please, please, die in your sleep tonight. please.
From: lstrauss@bullz-eye.com
To: george
Subject: RE: oh my God, you are so f-ing stupid!
George:
Hey, thanks for writing.
Just a couple of questions, though:
Was there one particular article you felt was more incoherent and nonsensical than the others?
I'd like to know so I could try to do a better job next time in to sense you making.
Did you get my joke there? I mixed up my words to make it even more incoherent.
My apologies. That was a poor attempt at humor. I beg for your forgiveness.
In terms of your anger and desire to "beat me to death with your fists," are you right-handed or left-handed? The only reason I'm asking is because I'd like to make it easier for you to "beat me to death with your fists" by standing closer to the side which you prefer to punch with.
I do have a favor, though. I'd appreciate it if we did meet and you "beat me to death with your fists," could you please do it near the grass, so when I fell down I wouldn't hurt my head? Of course I realize that I'd be dead because you "beat me to death with your fists," but the thought of banging my head on cement is not very pleasant. Dead or alive.
You also mentioned "you hate me so much." That's okay, though. I still love you.
If I saw you, before you could "beat me to death with your fists," I would give you a big, wet kiss.
Honestly, I think you would enjoy my tongue.
Pretty please write back. And if I don't answer, I guess that means I did, in fact, die in my sleep tonight.
Which then would turn out to be a good call on your part.
Love always,
Lane Strauss
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