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These women's magazines, I'm telling you, they're bad news. 

I'm telling you, these women's magazines are worse than Oprah. Which, I suppose, would make the women's magazine, Oprah, the worst women's magazine of them all.

With such a biased and inexplicable slant towards women, these magazines are painting a horrific and heinous picture of the American male. And it must be stopped.

Month in and month out, these women's magazines are telling women we're either cheating, or we're thinking about cheating. 

They're telling women we have no interest in the emotional well being of our girlfriend or spouse. 

Or in some cases, both.

They're telling women that our male friends are inhabitants of the City of Loserville. 

And they're telling women that all we want to do is have sex.

And while all of this in unquestionably true, the fact remains there's really no need to bring any of these issues up for discussion with women, because doing so inevitably leads to what I call Gender Confrontation.

And nobody needs that.

Nevertheless, month in and month out, newsstand after newsstand, doctor's office after doctor's office, there they are. Women's magazines loaded with anti-male propaganda.

(Not to digress, but why does every doctor's office on earth have nothing but six-month old magazines in the waiting room? Is the economy so bad doctors can't even get new magazines? Why don't they renew their subscriptions? Or are the greedy bastards hoarding the new magazines and pawning off the old ones on us, the unsuspecting sick public? Furthermore, if they're not renewing, what are they doing with my $10 co-pay? Cripes, I've renewed magazine subscriptions. This is not exactly brain surgery. And if anybody would know that, it would probably be a brain surgeon, no? And the thing is, even if you didn't have time to do it because you were too busy, then tell your receptionist to fill out the renewal card while she's got me on hold for 10 minutes after saying, "Thank you for calling the doctor's office. May I please put you on hold?" and then she puts me on hold before I even got to tell her I didn't want to be put on hold. What exactly is this woman doing while I'm on hold? Putting more people on hold? "Hold please. Hold please. Hold please. Your eye is in your hand? Hold please." I'll tell you one thing she's not doing. She's not filling out magazine subscription renewal cards. Which leads me back to my original question: What exactly are they doing with my $10 co-pay?)

These women's magazines, I'm telling you, they're no good. They're warping our women. They're planting seeds in their minds. 

Bad seeds. Seeds of independence. And confidence. And a general dislike of the male species. I can see it happening.

Do you realize after reading those women's magazines, my wife actually talks back to me?

Do you realize my wife says to me, "I hate your guts, you scumbag representative of the male species," after reading those women's magazines?

Do you realize my wife once made hummus for dinner because Oprah in Oprah says it's good for you?

You can only imagine my delight when my wife called me at work and I thought she said, "I hope you like hummers," only to discover waiting for me instead was a bowl of pureed chick peas.

Frankly, this must be stopped. Not the chick peas. The magazines. And I think I'm just the man to do it.

The way I see it, all I need is about $20 billion dollars to take control of these publications, and things could be returned to their rightful order.

Given the chance, I'd make sure these women's magazines helped us, not harmed us. I'd make sure the stories resulted in a more positive and beneficial reaction to men. And I'd make sure the stories had a unique perspective about what's important to men. Instead of why it's important for men to be hated by women.

Imagine, for a moment, if I were the world's largest publishing magnate.

Imagine walking into Borders or your local drugstore and seeing the same magazines you've always seen. With a twist.

Imagine, for a moment, if I were the boss. And every single word in every single one of those publications was approved by me. 

Give me one month's worth of women's magazines and I swear, all would be right with the world. And we'd be back on top where we belong.

Unless she wanted to be on top. Then we'd be okay with that, too.

Give me one month's worth of women's magazines, and as far as these women have been pushed in one direction, I could push them right back, and then some.

I know I could.

The good news is, I just checked my wallet and I'm only $19,999,999,993.00 away.

Jesus, I better start thinking.


Hopefully in the next issue:

*101 Reasons Why Breast Implants are Good for You. Make That 102.

*The Truth About Strip Joints: And Hey, It's Not That Bad!

*The Best Thongs of the Year.

*Why You Should Never, Never, Never, EVER Leave Him Alone With the Kids.

*Talking Dirty: When is It Too Much? (Hint: Never!)

Martha Stewart Living

Hopefully in the next issue:

*Seven Things He'd Love to See You Do With a Mixer.

*How to Cook and Clean and Do All That Stuff Really, Really Fast so He Won't be Pissed When He Gets Home and Wants to Yell at You.

*Multi-Tasking: Serving Beer With One Hand and Ordering Pizza With the Other.

*The French Maid's Outfit: It's a Good Thing.

*Why Antique Vibrators Really are Better.

Ladies Home Journal

Hopefully in the next issue:

*Never, Ever Bother Him at Work With Your Stupid-Ass Problems.

*Why You Shouldn't Care if It Takes Him an Hour to Drive the Hot Babysitter Home.

*The Best XXX Movies to Add to His Collection.

*Serve Dinner and Make Love on the Dining Room Table…Tonight!

*Three Things You Need to be a Real Slave in the Kitchen.


Hopefully in the next issue:

*Ten Great Bending-Over-in-Front-of-Him Exercises.

*Anal Sex: The Perfect Finish to Any Workout.

*Learn to Put Your Legs Behind Your Ears in Just Four Days!

*The New Liberating Nude Workout.

*The Horrific Health Hazards of Weighing More Than 120 Pounds.


Hopefully in the next issue:

*As Long as There's No Emotional Commitment, Yes, It's Quite Alright if He Has a Girlfriend.

*Dress Exactly Like Britney!

*Are Your Breasts Big Enough? (Hint: NO!)

*The Lost Art of Swallowing.

*Even if He Stinks in Bed, You Should Still Sleep With Him at Least Twice a Day.

Working Mother

Hopefully in the next issue:

*Learn to be a MILF.

*The New Social Acceptance of Public Breast Feeding.

*You May be Tired at the End of Your Day, But Not as Tired as Your Hard-Working Man.

*Thigh Highs: The Perfect Complement to Any Business Suit.

*Bring Home the Bacon, Then Let Him Treat You Like a Pig.

Modern Bride 

Hopefully in the next issue:

*The Bachelor Party: Ah, Who the Hell Cares?

*Let Your Maid of Honor Send Him Out With a Bang.

*Technically, the Wedding Gifts Belong to Him.

*The Modern Bridal Dance: $1 for a Kiss, $10 for Some Tongue Action.

*"I Consummated My Marriage in the Bathroom at the Reception Hall…And Loved Every Second of It!" And Other Romantic Ways to End the Most Special Evening of Your Life. 

Bon Appetite 

Hopefully in the next issue:

*Re-enact Your Favorite Scenes From 9 ½ Weeks…Tonight!

*Cook Everything and Anything He Damned Well Wants You To.

*The Incredible, Edible You.

*How to Cook for All His Friends, Too.

*Don't Talk Bitch, Just Serve the Goddamn Food.


Hopefully in the next issue:

*SportsCenter: Once is Never Enough.

*Mute! Why You Should Never, Ever Interrupt Baywatch.

*Secrets to Descrambling Porn.

*Twenty Channels at Once? Yes You Can!

*All He Does for You and You're Seriously Bitching About Getting HDTV?

Food and Wine

Hopefully in the next issue:

*Skip the Food! Just Get Drunk and Screw!

*Cabernet Sauvignon. And Other French Things You Can Say to Drive Him Crazy.

*Yes! Yes! Yes! It's Totally Okay if He Drinks out of the Bottle and Burps.

*Two Drinks and the Cucumber can be Your Best Friend.

*It's Our Annual All-Wino Issue!

Better Homes and Gardens

Hopefully in the next issue:

*Yardwork: Way Bad for His Health.

*If You Want to Get the Better Home and Garden You've Always Wanted, Quit Spending so Much Freaking Money on Clothes, Why Don't You.

*Grow Your Garden, Grow Your Breasts.

*Shape Up Your Backyard (Not Behind The House, Dummy. Your Ass.)

*Hoe-ing: The Non-Garden Kind.


Hopefully in the next issue:

*10 Easy Crafts to Keep the Kids Busy During a Quickie.

*10 Easy Crafts to Keep the Kids Busy While He Watches TV.

*10 Easy Crafts to Keep the Kids Busy While He Calls 1-900 Numbers.

*10 Easy Crafts to Keep the Kids Busy While You do His Laundry, You Lazy Bitch.

*10 Easy Crafts to Keep the Kids Busy Because Dammit, Your Job is to Figure Out How to Keep the Damn Kids Busy.

In Style

Hopefully in the next issue:

*Cut That Skirt Shorter...Today!

*2003's Hot Trend: Nudity.

*So You Want to Dress Like a Hooker? 

*Shop Where Pamela Anderson Shops.

*Show Those Nipples, Girl!


Hopefully in the next issue:

*Weight Training: It's Damn Good for Your Thighs, Tubbo!

*The Eleven Muscle Groups Used During Vacuuming.

*Semen: Fewer Calories Than You Think.

*Eight Days to a More Productive Tongue.

*The World's Best Exercise: That Stretching Thing Where You Arch Your Back and Thrust Your Hips.

Good Housekeeping

Hopefully in the next issue:

*Good Housekeeping, Our Ass. Great Housekeeping.

*Don't Just Make Lunch, Be Lunch.

*So What if He's Not Very Accurate When He Pees?

*Learn to Keep Your Damn Period to Yourself, Woman.

*"She Can't Iron a Shirt to Save Her Life!" GH Exclusive: Listen to Men Point Out Their Wives' Flaws (So You Won't Make the Same Mistakes.)


Hopefully in the next issue:

*Surprise Him With Your Girlfriend.

*Surprise Him With Your Sister.

*Surprise Him With Your Girlfriend's Sister.

*Surprise Him With Your Father's Girlfriend.

*Surprise Him With You, For Once in Your Freaking "I've Got a Headache" Life.


Hopefully in the next issue:

*The Fashion Police Say: Your Clothes Aren't Tight Enough.

*Christina Aguilera: Get the Look.

*Exclusive: Tear-Out Cindy Crawford Mask.

*More On Brad Pitt's Super Small Penis.

*The Sexiest Man Alive. Meet His Totally Hot Bikini-Clad Wife!


Hopefully in the next issue:

*Elle All: 64 Pages of Elle Macpherson!

*Reader's Survey: Do You Deserve to Have Your Man Cheating on You, You Ungrateful, Lazy Piece of Crap?

*The Hot New Look: Kind of Waifish, With a Nice Rack.

*Starving Your Way to a Better-Looking You.



Hopefully in the next issue:

*Unless You Make $50 Million a Year, No, He's Not Going to Love You at 214 Pounds.

*As a Matter of Fact, Yes You do Look Fat in That Blue Dress.

*Our Two-Step Guide to Better Sex: 1. Lose the Weight. 2. Lose the Self-Esteem.

*Dr. Phil Says: "You're Fat and Ugly, So You'd Better be Easy."

*Step Away From the Cake. Step Away From the Cake.

If only.

It'll never happen though. There are too many of these magazines to truly accomplish what we need to do.


Unfortunately, the bottom line is this: 

They're here. We're here. And somehow, we must find a way to peacefully co-exist.

Somehow, we as men must all work hard to challenge the broad sweeping anti-male representations found in these women's magazines.

We must disprove their stereotypes.

And we must convince women we're nothing at all like the way we're being portrayed.

Well, except for the wanting-to-have-sex-all-the-time part, we're nothing at all like the way we're being portrayed.

Hey, look. A penny. 

I'm getting closer.

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