Hey, where's the love?
The thing is, I'm not a vindictive, bitter person.
If someone pulls in front of me and takes a parking space I'm waiting for at the mall, what's the big deal? There's no use getting angry. Life is too short to spend it being angry.
Which is why whenever that happens to me, I just shrug my shoulders and pull off to find another space.
Then I smile, I lock my car, I slash the guy's tires, and I head inside for a lovely day of shopping.
Because if there's one thing I'm not, it's a bitter, vindictive person.
Even when it comes to the Miami Dolphins, the team that at one point beat my team, the Buffalo Bills, twice a year for 10-straight years.
I'm not bitter about it, though.
I swear I don't remember that the streak ended on September 7, 1980 with a 17-7 Bills win as quarterback Joe Ferguson hit fullback Roosevelt Leaks for a four-yard touchdown pass with 3:42 remaining in front of 79,598 people, which was the third largest crowd in Bills history.
Nope, I don't remember that game at all.
Nevertheless, two weeks ago when the Bills beat the Dolphins, 23-10, I was happy. Very happy.
In fact, I was so happy I wanted to share my joy with others. In particular, I wanted to share my joy with Miami Dolphins fans.
I wanted them to share in my glee over this hard-fought victory. Because I knew they'd be as happy for me as I was for them.
For 10-straight years.
And so, I logged onto a Miami Dolphins Website and spent some quality time with some fans in a Dolphins chat room.
Naturally, being the professional, courteous person that I am, I handled myself with grace and dignity as I encouraged Dolphins fans to join in my delight.
I don't mean to brag, but people often associate the word "class" with me. Honestly, I can't say they're wrong.
As you can see for yourself by the message I left:
Greetings, Pathetic Followers of the Pretty Turquoise and Orange Crapball Excuse For a Football Team:
From all of us Buffalonians who thrive to watch you lose...all of us who cheer your every punt, your every holding penalty, your every incompletion, we as a group would like to say:
Enjoy your week, you suck-ass losers.
Buffalo 23, Miami 10.
Also, your coach stinks. Also, your team is overrated. Also, the little porpoise on your helmets is kinda gay.
Oh, don't ever forget that Don Shula's last game was a loss to the Bills. And FYI, he was overrated, too.
Also, did I mention you suck?
So there it was.
Clean. Dignified. Straightforward, yet sincere.
I felt excited about what I had done. And I was excited that soon, Dolphins fans would be celebrating with me.
You can only imagine my shock as I was barraged with responses:
Thanks, we are pretty, pretty classy, and you poor "Buffalonians?", you who come from that God forsaken environmentally polluted hell hole where you eat poorly and are plagued by the nation's biggest blackheads in your skin, and hilariously walk from our stadium with your fat spilling out from your #11 jersey, enjoy Bledsoe, and remember when good old Drew goes down, he usually stays down for the rest of the year, and then you are really done, left with nothing, but the memory that you caught us on a bad day and took advantage of it. And please, we understand that you are so mean because YOU don't live in paradise, you don't have our history, and our legacy, your colors suck, you'll be freezing your ass off soon where even the snow is ugly and gray. We will survive, spend a day on the beach licking our wounds, solving any problems, and thanking the universe that it's Monday, and the air is sweeter because that awful smell that is the Buffalo Bills has left the state. Thanks for visiting!
If we are talking about ugly uniforms perhaps you should look at your team's uniforms, you bunch of clowns running around on the field. Secondly, you brag about your one win, good job, come talk to me when you know what it feels like to be in first in the East, since you haven't been there in a good five years, and probably won't be for another 5 years, I don't think I'll be hearing from you any time soon. Go back to Buffalo, and I hope you get snowed in for two weeks, enjoy your win in Miami, because it's the last you're ever going to see.
Fellow Phin fans, have you guys noticed how these putrid Bill fans post one message and never post again. I dare these guys to come back in here when we beat the Bills in Buffalo. It was one game and we still are on top of the division. The Bills D can't stop anyone. Give back six turnovers and Miami wins this game 27-6. I have no problem accepting that our offense played poorly and we lost. However, these Bills fans live in a dream world.
What did I say that would prompt such heinous responses?
Who are these people and why do they feel the need to bring forth such personal attacks?
Frankly, I was both upset and worried about these people. This much pent-up anger can't possibly be healthy.
I must admit, for a moment I thought maybe I was to blame. Perhaps my comments were somehow misinterpreted.
Is that possible? I mean, all I really wanted to do was say "hello" and make some new friends. Anyone could see that.
I was disturbed and confused, so I felt the need to apologize to anyone who might've taken my comment in the wrong way:
Dear Dolphin Retards:
Well, well, well. It certainly appears I've touched a bit of a nerve, haven't I?
Where do I begin with you, you imbeciles?
First off, I love the comment about "If it wasn't for the turnovers, the Dolphins win 27-6."
That friends, is brilliant logic.
"Y'know, if it wasn't for that crap crammed up your ass, you'd be peeing."
"Y'know, if wasn't for your ugly face, there'd be no need for plastic surgery."
Y'know, if it wasn't for you idiots, the world would be a smarter place.
I must admit though, you people are funnier than I thought.
That joke about me getting caught in the snow in Buffalo? How did you ever think of that? I have stomach cramps from laughing so hard.
If I had three wishes in my life, I'd use one on the Dolphins not winning a game for the next 50 years.
Good luck. I hope you all choke on a chicken wing bone.
Clearly, I thought, this will help these people to understand my innocent intentions.
Clearly, I was wrong:
Uh oh. The Bills fans are back because they won one single game. Remind me to wet my pants. When they turn around and beat us 20 in a row, I might listen. Don't let Drew Bledsoe go to your heads, fellas. Drink another Genny, the beer that comes straight from the now glowing Genesee River, and pray to God that you might actually lose the rest of your games. You're gonna go 8-8. You won't get any draft picks and you won't make the playoffs for the third-straight year. Congrats on that one.
The Miami Ground Machine starring Jay Fiedler, Ricky Williams, Rob Konrad, Deon Dyer and a plethora of others as they bring back the ground attack Miami has not had for 30 years. Directed by Norv Turner.
Get Ready For The Super Bowl.
My head was spinning. I was dumbfounded.
I tried to re-read what I had written, to see if there was anything...anything I'd written that could've been taken out of context. Even though I didn't think there was.
The only problem was, I couldn't re-read what I had written. Because it was gone.
Shockingly, the people in charge of the Miami Dolphins Website had thrown me off by eliminating my user name and password.
Dear Lord, what had I done?
Friends, the emotional pain I felt at this time is nearly impossible to describe. Knowing that I had hurt these Miami Dolphins fans ached me so much, I felt I had to do something to make up for my misdeeds. Whatever they were.
So I created a new user ID and logged back on. And I immediately apologized with heartfelt purity:
Hey, everybody. Last weekend could be the best I've ever seen the Dolphins perform.
Only because they didn't lose by 50.
The Bills are now virtually tied with you sorry, ugly gay-tealed loser poopy faces. It's just a matter of time until you're behind us.
And by the way, I hear you enjoy that quite a bit.
I've heard there's a lot of clinical depression in southern Florida this time of year. Is it because you have to spend every day looking at the sagging tanned breasts of the little old ladies, or is it because the Dolphins blow like you do?
You stink. They stink. If I could think of one word to describe you, it would be stink. You stinky, stink-heads.
I hope you're having a nice bye week, because it's the only way you can ensure you won't lose. Maybe you should all go buy some condoms so you can have some gay sex while your team is getting pounded again this week. Just like you.
Buffalo rules. And Dan Marino never won anything in his life.
He was a sucky stinky poopy head. So there.
Go Bills! Go Bills! Go Bills!
As I finished that last word, I smiled, knowing that finally, we could all be back on friendly terms.
Or so I thought:
You idiot. That was truly pathetic.
Oh yeah, well you're a sucky stinky poopy head yourself!
F*** off asshole!
I can't even tell you how sad I was.
I felt as if I was trying to do everything in my power to be friendly and open, and I just kept sensing they didn't like me for whatever reason.
Nevertheless, at the risk of being shunned again, I decided to try one last time to make the peace:
Hey everybody, the Dolphins rule.
Just kidding. They suck.
Hey, do you guys know you lost to the Bills?
The score was 23-10, in case you didn't hear about it.
And in case you didn't hear about it when I said it before, I'll say it again.
Buffalo 23, Miami 10.
That means the Bills had 13 more points than the Dolphins, in case you missed that day of math class.
Actually, I think I'm giving you more credit than I probably should. So please, let me explain.
Here are the numbers from 1-20. In order. You might not have seen them before. So please, read slowly:
See the number in the middle with the 1 and the 3? That's 13. That's how many points the Bills beat the Dolphins by.
Also, in case you didn't know, there's a number that goes in front of the 1. That number's called zero. Which is exactly how many playoff games you're going to win this year.
This concludes today's lesson.
Jeez, a guy couldn't be any nicer than that, y'know?
I realize we might've had our differences in the past, but I wanted to let these nice Dolphins fans know that I harbor no grudges over the fact that their team beat my team for 10-straight years and that the streak ended on September 7, 1980.
Can't we all just get along?
Listen you idiot, you can take your math and your ugly uniforms on to the Buffalo sucks home page where you will find the two other Bills fans left in the world.
I know you! You're the snotty nosed kid who sits behind my grandson in his kindergarten class. You know your numbers, but you do not play well with others.
Do you know we played without our starting QB and our two starting receivers? Put away Bledsoe, Moulds and Price and your team record would be worse than last year, and that is something hard to imagine.
That's it. Even someone with as much positive energy as I have can only take so much.
I've tried and tried, but it appears that these people are unwilling to open the lines of communication.
Truthfully, I'm not sure I even want to be on friendly terms with such bitter, vindictive people anyway.
They harbor such anger, those driveling-pathetic-suck-assed-stinky-butthole-faced-wiener-breathed-losers.
Sad, aren't they?