Roger Clemens vs. Brian McNamee: The Untold Story, Roger Clemens testifies in front of Congress, HGH, Mitchell Report, George Mitchell

Roger Clemens vs. Brian McNamee: The Untold Story

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Anybody watch Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee give their testimonies to Congress on Wednesday?

If not, I’ll sum up the entire hearing for you: There were two liars (Clemens and McNamee) and a ton of house representatives with ulterior motives. (Apparently, Republican representatives back Clemens while Democrat reps support McNamee.)

During the hearing, Clemens squirmed and used the Ronald Reagan “I don’t recall” line of responding to questions. McNamee was absolutely hammered by Indiana Representative Dan Burton for his past lies to the New York Post and, overall, came off like a rat who lied whenever it benefited his own well being.

Roger ClemensThe whole hearing needs to be shrunk into a Saturday Night Live skit, because it was a joke to watch Republicans hand-feed Clemens opportunities to talk about what a great baseball player and model citizen he is. One congresswoman even said that she was sure that Clemens would go to heaven. Are you serious?

Likewise, Democrats spent most of their time shooting holes in Clemens’ statements and used his ignorance to make McNamee look good. (If that’s even possible, that is.)

So which person is telling the truth? Who knows? Make your own judgments. But before you do, make sure you read the following conversations that occurred between Clemens and McNamee between 1998 and 2007 – the time period McNamee claims he supposedly injected Clemens with performance-enhancing drugs.

These conversations are actually what transpired between Clemens and McNamee during that time period. (Note: Read between the lines. This is just my opinion. I actually don’t know what happened. Don’t really interpret this as fact. But seriously, these conversations happened.)

1998 - Toronto Blue Jays Clubhouse

Roger Clemens: Hey man, are you the new trainer?

Brian McNamee: Wow! You’re Roger Clemens, aren’t you?

RC: Yeah – I’m kind of a big deal. In case anyone hasn’t told you, I’m a really good pitcher.

BM: Well of course you are! Yeah, I’m the new trainer. Can I get anything for you?

RC: Steroids.

BM: Wow, that was fast. Well, I’m a doctor so I guess I could get you steroids.

RC: You’re a doctor?

BM: No, not really. I just took some online courses so I could slap a “Ph.D” after my name.

RC: That’s good enough for me! I’ve got this stuff Winstrol that you can inject me with. You don’t mind injecting me in the butt do you?

BM: Anything for you, Roger. It is what it is.

RC: What?

BM: Nothing.

2000 – New York Yankees Clubhouse

Roger ClemensRC: You glad I got you hired by the Yankees, Brian?

BM: Oh yeah, thanks Roger!

RC: So, uh, you mind injecting me again?

BM: You mind paying me a ton of money again? (Laughing) No seriously, it’s no problem. What do you need me to do this time, Rocket?

RC: Don’t call me Rocket. I feel weird being called Rocket by a guy injecting things into my butt. I need testosterone and HGH shots.

BM: Not a problem. Bend over. Hey listen, I’ve been thinking. What happens if anyone finds out that you’re using HGH?

RC: I’ll just tell them that I thought they were B-12 shots. I’ll tell them that my mother has always told me B-12 is good and that whenever somebody – i.e. you – wants to give me B-12 shots, I just bend over and don’t ask questions. They’ll totally buy it – trust me.

BM: Cool. That’s fine for you, though. What about me? What happens to me?

RC: Ah, don’t worry. They’ll come after me before they ever touch you. I’m the great pitcher with the lifetime 354-184 record, 3.12 ERA and 4,672 strikeouts.

BM: You remember all that?

RC: Yeah. I’m totally sweet. I’m Roger Clemens.

BM: I know who you are. Well, I’m going to keep all of these syringes and needles that I’m injecting you with just to be safe.

RC: What?

BM: Nothing.

August 2001

RC: Hey Big Mac, what’s going on?

BM: Not much Rock, err, Roger! How’s it going?

RC: I went 20-3 last year and won my sixth Cy Young Award. We won the World Series.

BM: Yeah, I know.

RC: Great! So listen, I’m ready to go again with the injections. They’ve really helped me with this whole aging thing and I gotta stay in peak physical shape, if you know what I mean!

BM: Yeah, but Roger, you threw a bat at Mike Piazza. Don’t you think it’s time to lay off the stuff?

RC: No. Do you think so? Do you think it might be a little immoral?

BM: Immoral? Ha! The only thing immoral is you not going 23-0! Look, just keep signing those fat checks to me and I’ll shove anything you want into your ass.

RC: What?

BM: Nothing.

Sometime between 1900 BC and Now

Roger ClemensRC: Hey listen, Brian, I’m going to need you to do my wife, too.

BM: Do your wife? Giggity!

RC: Okay, cool. Just shoot her with the HGH.

BM: HGH? Oh! Right, right, right. HGH. “Do her.” Got it. I thought you wanted me to…

RC: What?

BM: Nothing.

December 2006

New York Post Reporter: So did you or did you not inject Roger Clemens with performance-enhancing drugs?

BM: Will I get into trouble if I say yes?

NYPR: Maybe.

BM: Then no. I did not inject Roger Clemens with steroids.

…later that day

United States Sen. George Mitchell: So did you or did you not inject Roger Clemens with performance-enhancing drugs?

BM: Will I get into trouble if I say yes?

GM: It’s in your best interest, Mr. McNamee, that you don’t lie to me.

BM: Then yes. I absolutely injected Roger Clemens with steroids.

GM: So you’re willing to go on record with that?

BM: As long as it saves me, I’ll tell you whatever you want for your little report. I’ll even exaggerate my ass off just so it looks like Roger forced me to do it.

GM: What?

BM: Nothing.

May 2007

RC: Listen, Brian, it’s been fun but I have to let you go, man.

BM: Is this because of the Mitchell report coming out? Look, I’ll tell them whatever you want.

RC: Just stop your lying, Brian. You’re a dirty, dirty liar and I’m sick of you telling lies about me.

BM: Tell me what you want me to say to people and I will, Roger! Please!

RC: (clicking noise in the background) Seriously Brian, you’re lying to people and I want you to stop.

BM: Are you taping this conversation?

RC: Look Brian, stop lying. You’re saying false things about me and I don’t like it.

BM: You son of a bitch! You’re taping this! It is what it is! You hear me? It is what it is!

RC: What?

BM: It is what it is! It is what it is!

December 18, 2007

Roger Clemens in an issued statement: I did not take steroids.

December 23, 2007

Roger Clemens in video: If I wasn’t 100% clear enough in my issued statement, I just want to say for the record that I did not take steroids.

January 6, 2008

Roger Clemens on “60 Minutes”: Just to be 150% clear, I want to say that the steroid allegations involving Brian McNamee and me never happened. He did not inject me in the butt.

February 2008

Roger Clemens and Andy PettitteAndy Pettitte: Roger and I had a conversation about HGH and I experimented with it.

RC: Andy’s a great and honest man. I would trust my kids with Andy Pettitte. He’s like, the most honest guy in the world. With that said, he misunderstood the hell out of our conversation.

AP: Roger and I used HGH.

RC: He thought I was talking about HGH? Oh man – he was confused!

AP: Roger and I definitely used HGH and I’m not confused about our conversation.

RC: Andy’s mistaken! I was talking about Houston Grilled Hoagies! I am a great pitcher, damn it! I did not take steroids!

BM: I’m a liar, but Roger Clemens is a bigger liar!

RC: We must protect the children and I love the United States! I did not take steroids!

BM: Sure, I lied before about things. But I’m not lying now!

RC: Love me, America. I’m a really big deal! I did not take steroids!

BM: I did Roger’s wife, too! In fact, I injected him more times than I previously stated. I injected the freaking hell out of him!

Republican Representatives: We love you, Rocket! You’re totally going to heaven!

Democratic Representatives: We love Brian McNamee! You’re not going to Heaven because you’re a drug pusher, but seriously, you’re less of a liar than Roger Clemens!

The truth seems to lie somewhere in between what Clemens is denying and what McNamee is alleging.

Does anyone really believe that Clemens brought McNamee to the Yankees from the Blue Jays in 2000 just because he liked his workout regime? Come on. He brought McNamee with him for the same reason Barry Bonds had Greg Anderson following him around like a sad puppy dog – these players were taking some form of performance-enhancers and they needed “yes men” that they could count on to take the fall if they were outed.

But the difference between Anderson and McNamee is that McNamee isn’t willing to go to jail for Clemens. It’s clear McNamee is fabricating things just so he can protect whatever’s left of his name, but he seems a tad more credible than Clemens at this point. And actually, the only one who seems to be telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth is Andy Pettitte.

The sad thing is that we might never know which person is telling the fewest lies. Even sadder, this circus is taking place the same week pitchers and catchers are reporting to spring training camps.

Baseball has become more of a spectacle than a game and, for that, we the fans are being ripped off.

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