Living out a fantasy
11/13/2002
Codding Home / Sports Channel / Bullz-Eye Home
I'm a dork. The rumors are true.
But it's not because I used to think that "The Sopranos" was a show about a family of opera singers, or because I still know all the words to "The Humpty Dance" or even because I watch SpongeBob SquarePants. Every weekday. At 5:30 pm. Eastern time. On Nickelodeon.
Okay, so maybe it has a little something to do with that SpongeBob thing.
My wife, on the other hand, thinks I'm a dork because of my fantasy sports fetish. A geek. A nerd. A cyber junkie who needs his daily fix of rumors and stats and scores to function as a productive member of this society.
The thing is, I can't really argue with her. She's right.
In fact, I'm such a fantasy dork that friends call or e-mail me constantly with questions about trades or free agents or a particular player who's sucking wind. Sometimes they even ask for advice when we're in the same league together, assuming I'll offer an unbiased opinion -- a rather dicey supposition but I'm honest nonetheless.
But here's the kicker: I'm not alone.
If I were then friends wouldn't ask for my opinions. If I were then ESPN wouldn't charge 30 bucks for their fantasy football, baseball, basketball and hockey teams. If I were alone, those sports tickers at the bottom of your television screen wouldn't regurgitate boxscores in their entirety and you would still think that a pitcher's "WHIP" was his own personal business.
If I were alone, you wouldn't still be reading this column. Go ahead, don't be shy. It's okay to admit it -- your wife thinks you're a geek too, doesn't she? Relax, you're among friends.
I know the joy and the pain you suffer every Sunday and Monday during football season. On one of your fantasy teams, you've got Rich Gannon and Jerry Rice and you need a big performance from both of them on Monday night against the Broncos to pull off the win and move one step closer to a league championship. The only problem is, you've been a Denver fan since forever and you know how important this game will be to their playoff hopes.
You're torn between fantasy success and team devotion. It's a battle all of us dorks have fought too many times.
You start to concoct insane scenarios that will give your fantasy team the victory while also ensuring that Denver notches the win, saying to yourself, "Okay, Gannon can throw for 300 yards with three touchdowns, but all the touchdowns have to go to Rice and the Raiders have to miss the three extra points. And if the Broncos score at least 31 then Gannon can also run for a score and then convert a two-point attempt by hitting Rice in the end zone. That would give me 62 total points, enough for the victory, but the Broncos would win... and they'd cover the spread."
You're really not asking for much: 1. A mountain of points from your two Oakland players; 2. A Denver win; and 3. Cover the spread because you also put 100 bucks on the game.
Sounds crazy, right? Well, you failed to notice that the guy you're playing this week has Denver's Clinton Portis in his starting lineup, and right before kickoff you take a final look at the two teams. Your heart drops.
Oakland kicks an early field goal to go up 3-0, and then right before the end of the first quarter, with the Broncos about to score a touchdown, Brian Griese throws an interception near the goal line and 98 yards later, Rod Woodson reaches paydirt.
Your team's down by 10 but Gannon and Rice haven't done squat for your team, plus your team's got a 4.5-point spread to cover and your team still has about 60 points to make up. You've suddenly got a headache.
The good thing about Woodson's pick, though, is that it killed any possibility Portis had of scoring a touchdown. However, after another Oakland field goal in the second quarter the Broncos find themselves on the one-yard line. "Anybody but Portis," you mumble. "Just don't hand the ball off."
Hand off. Portis. Touchdown. Crap.
But hey, you're a Denver fan, remember? And now, down 13-7 they've got a chance to take control. You just can't stop thinking about how the Raiders already have 13 points, though, and Gannon and Rice have been shut down. Sure, your quarterback's got some passing yards but, as any true fantasy football geek knows, the payoff lies in the end zone.
And then it happens: With a little more than a minute left in the half, Gannon connects with Rice for a six-yard touchdown strike. "That's 10 points," you shout, waking up your irritated wife who's been asleep for about an hour. Now up 19-7, the Raiders go for two. You're getting greedy, hoping Gannon and Rice hook up again. Instead, Jerry Porter converts the attempt, which still gives you an additional two points. Not bad.
Heading into halftime, your team's finally got some points but it's not enough yet. Plus, your team's down by two touchdowns, and since your team's favored by 4.5 points, your team is actually down by 19 points. Your headache worsens, especially when you see those hideous yellow blazers that John Madden and Al Michaels are wearing in the booth.
After halftime, Gannon hits Porter for a 22-yard touchdown and your hopes for a Denver win begin to fade as your chances of a fantasy victory continue to rise. With the Broncos now down 27-7 (after a missed PAT -- hey, at least you got one of 'em), you're somewhat comforted by the fact that Mike Shanahan won't be giving the ball to Portis too much in the second half. A Jason Elam field goal early in the fourth sends it to 27-10. The game's in hand, so now you're actually hoping for another Rice touchdown and a couple minutes later he delivers from 34 yards out.
Final score, 34-10.
So the Broncos lost and they obviously didn't cover, but you think you've got a shot in your fantasy league. The next morning, though, you discover that Portis' touchdown sent you to a five-point loss. Even worse, Denver's defensive performance cost you a win in another league.
What a weekend.
No need to be ashamed here -- while that scenario was perhaps a little far-fetched, anybody who's ever drafted a fantasy team can relate on some level to that ultimate struggle: fantasy success vs. team loyalty. In baseball, if your hometown team is facing your best starting pitcher, you hope he suffers a complete game loss, 1-0, with 13 strikeouts and no walks. In basketball, you pray for a shootout so that Paul Pierce can score his 30 points for you without leading the Celtics to a win.
Unless you're a Cavs fan like me -- it doesn't really bother me if they lose. Call it the LeBron James Syndrome, if you will.
I admit it -- I'm a dork. I've missed parties for fantasy drafts and I scour boxscores every night before I go to bed. It's an addiction, but it's a monkey I strap on my back every morning.
And once you take that first sip, you're hooked. A friend of mine plays fantasy baseball, managing at least two teams per year. Heading into the start of the NFL season, I finally talked him into doing a fantasy football team for the first time. Currently sitting atop his league standings, it's safe to say that this won't be the last time my buddy owns a football team.
Unfortunately, I now have two wives mad at me. And I don't even live in Utah.
In the Bullz-Eye
Free agent slugger Jim Thome. The Cleveland Indians, facing an undeniable rebuilding process, shipped off some veteran talent last season before the trading deadline, restocking a dry farm system in the process. But the Tribe didn't deal the popular Thome, who claimed that he wouldn't waive his no-trade clause last year, despite the obvious bounty the Indians could've gotten in return, because he wanted to finish his career in Cleveland. Well, it's put up or shut up time, Jimmy. The Philadelphia Phillies are reportedly offering Thome more cash than the Indians, and apparently the first baseman is struggling with his decision. If he chooses the Phillies, Thome will betray the fans he claimed allegiance to -- instead of allowing the team to trade him last year and therefore get some top prospects in return, Jimmy would be walking out of Cleveland, leaving the team and its fans empty handed.
Questions/comments? Send
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