It's a baseball party, but who invited you?

It's a baseball party, but who invited you?

Codding Home / Sports Channel / Bullz-Eye Home

Do you hear that wonderful sound? That bat-cracking, mitt-popping sound drifting north from Florida and Arizona? Yep, it's baseball season once again, and diamond freaks like me couldn't be any happier that spring training is finally here.

I'm like a pig in mud. Or Rosie O'Donnell at Dairy Queen.

I've got a one-track mind right now. I'm knee-deep in fantasy baseball magazines. I'm always looking for the latest spring training injuries and the hottest position battles. My spare time is spent computing batting averages, analyzing RBI totals and predicting ERAs, and by some stroke of luck I get to do the same thing at work.

I love football, and basketball certainly has its moments -- especially in March -- but is there anything more glorious than the start of the baseball season?

Besides Alyssa Milano's ass, you perverts.

And as always, whenever the Super Bowl gives way to reporting day, there are dozens of names on every fan's mind: Barry Bonds, Roy Oswalt, Pedro Martinez, Adam Dunn, Jason Giambi, John Rocker, Ken Griffey, Curt Schilling, Nomar Garciaparra, Josh Beckett, Frank Thomas, Carlos Pena, Byung-Hyun Kim... . The list is endless. Some players are returning from injury. Others are trying to follow up career seasons. Aging veterans are attempting to revive their careers while untested youngsters are just beginning theirs.

Then, of course, you've got the league's senior citizens who just won't leave us alone.

Instead of hearing about the progress of promising pitchers like Brad Penny and C.C. Sabathia, we have to read about players who were in their primes when the other Bush was in office, guys who should've walked away from the game years ago but instead have chosen to either lace up the cleats to reach certain personal milestones, or hang around as coaches and team consultants.

Memo to Rickey Henderson, Jose Canseco, Darryl Strawberry and Dwight Gooden: go away.

Nobody cares about you guys anymore. In fact, we haven't cared about you for years. Take a cue from Cal Ripken, Tony Gwynn and Mark McGwire and just freaking go away. And we still liked Cal, Tony and Big Mac but we were happy to see them slip off into retirement nonetheless. We don't like you -- imagine how badly we want you out of our game.

I mean, come on Rickey, you got your 3,000th hit on the final day of the 2001 season, a year that also saw you pass the Babe on the all-time walks list and Ty Cobb on the all-time runs list. What more do you want? You only hit .227 last season despite your other successes, and over the past six years you own a whopping .250 average. Sure, your on-base percentage during that stretch still has been quite respectable -- you obviously know how to take a walk -- but it's painfully clear that, at 43, your skills are in a rapid decline.

But is all that enough to push you out of the league for good? Of course not. Instead, you waited all winter for a team -- any team -- to come calling, and your patience, both at the plate and in free agency, paid off. The Red Sox offered you a minor league deal and by the time April rolls around you and your on-base percentage will find your way to Fenway. Great. Another season of loud-mouthed bickering and unmatched gloating, brought to you by the self-proclaimed greatest player in league history, Rickey Henderson.

I've got a headache already.

Then, of course, there's Jose "Crawling to 500" Canseco. He too signed a minor league deal, but he'll take his deteriorated skills north of the border to the Montreal Expos. Just 38 homers away from the elusive 500-mark, you can bet Jose dreams about smacking that final dinger over the left field wall every single night.

You can also bet he never dreamt it would be the left field wall at Olympic Stadium in Montreal.

Of course, there are many obstacles that stand in Jose's way, not the least of which is his slim chance of becoming a regular with the Expos. The last time Canseco, now mainly a full-time DH, played even 50 games in the outfield was 1998 with Toronto when he appeared in left field 50 times and in right 26 more. In fact, since 1993 he's played the outfield a grand total of 197 times, 13 of those over the last three years.

But let's say the Expos, desperate for some publicity and a little added pop, make Canseco their everyday left fielder. He'd still have to battle through his usual nagging injuries -- he's played in at least 135 games only twice since 1988 -- and then he'd somehow have to find a way to crank 38 more homers to reach the all-mighty mark of 500. Since 1991, though, Canseco has hit as many as 35 home runs in a season only once (46 in 1998), numbers that would seem to limit that final triumphant homer to Jose's dream world. At 37, Canseco's frantically trying to hang on long enough to finally reach a milestone, but he appears to still be two or three years away from 500. At least.

Meaning instead of following his former Bash Brother into retirement, Jose will no doubt follow the example of another former teammate, Henderson, and continue to cling to his fading dream as long as he can, despite our pleas for mercy.

Then there's Darryl Strawberry and Dwight Gooden, two poster boys for the Wasted Talent Foundation.

Or is it the Narcotics 'R' Us Club? I can never remember.

Just when you thought you'd heard the last of the Straw and the Doc, they find a way to invade our lives once again. Yankees owner George Steinbrenner recently said he would offer Strawberry a job as a player development coach after he completes his latest court-mandated drug treatment. Steinbrenner, who inexplicably owns a soft spot for the eight-time All Star, said he still believes Strawberry deserves another chance.

Just so I don't lose track, exactly how many chances does a repeat drug offender and convicted criminal get these days? Every single time this guy winds up in jail or in rehab, everybody from Steinbrenner to Joe Torre to the Pope seems to whine about how he "deserves another chance." Why? I'm all for helping someone out who can't help themselves, but you have to set boundaries, and letting this guy back into baseball -- even if it's only as a player development coach -- somehow just doesn't seem like the right move. Here's an idea: How about we just let Strawberry complete his rehab, then help him actually lead a normal, healthy life with his wife and children while he continues serving his two years of house arrest? Let's keep him out of the national spotlight -- it's obvious he doesn't do very well there.

He deserves another chance to live an ordinary life, not another chance to fail. Baseball isn't good for Darryl Strawberry and the Straw isn't good for baseball either.

Speaking of failing again, how about Dwight Gooden? I was looking for some juicy spring training news the other day when I noticed that Gooden, who currently works as an assistant to Steinbrenner, was arrested for drunk driving in Tampa. Police pulled over the 37 year old when they noticed his 2002 Cadillac Escalade weaving at about 11:35 pm, and during the stop officers saw an open bottle of Michelob Light in the car. The former Cy Young pitcher, who said he was on his way to pick up his son, refused to take a breath or urine test.

Nice. Only stand-up citizens would get loaded and bring a beer in the car with them on their way to pick up their kid. And don't you think the fact that Gooden wouldn't take a breath or urine test is just a little suspicious... ? I'm not saying he's revisiting his old habits, but if you're clean why would you refuse to take the test?

Yes, it's spring training time again, and I'm more than psyched. But Henderson, Canseco, Straw and Gooden? What is this, spring training 1989?

Please, please just disappear already.


In the Bullz-Eye

The Houston Texans. After spending nearly $35.7 million on OT Tony Boselli, CB Aaron Glenn, DT Gary Walker, LB Jamie Sharper, WR Jermaine Lewis, CB Marcus Coleman and DT Seth Payne in the NFL expansion draft on Feb. 18, the Texans actually have a solid foundation of proven veterans on their roster. And with the first overall pick in April's college draft, you can bet fans in Houston are already looking toward a six- or seven-win season, meaning Boselli, Glenn and the other new Texans have plenty of pressure to succeed in their first season in Houston.

 
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