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ALAS, REX, I KNEW HIM WELL:
The top new drama of the season
ends with a bang--but perhaps not the one most people were
expecting. There are revelations galore, and seeds of a new
mystery in the making, yet a few loose ends keep the finale
from delivering quite as much satisfaction as it might
otherwise have done.
First and foremost: Damn those writers to hell for killing
off one of the most interesting and nuanced characters on
the show. In the pilot, Rex appeared to be a stand-up guy
tormented by his obsessive-compulsive wife. As the show
progressed, we learned that Rex had issues of his
own--issues perhaps equal in scope to those of his wife.
Despite his infidelity, his nastiness to George, and other
failings, you had to root for Rex simply for being able to
stand up to Bree. That he died believing that his wife
murdered him--and forgiving her for it--is just another
illustration of the two sides to this complex coin. He will
be sorely missed.
Bree’s life will be turned upside down without Rex, but
she’s not the only one experiencing major change. Tom sends
Lynette back to work as a form of payback for sabotaging his
promotion--perhaps making her finally realize how much she
actually does enjoy staying home with her four hellions.
Gabby defends Carlos in court in return for certain
child-rearing “conditions” (e.g., she gets to sleep while
Carlos does bottle duty), only to have Hot Gardener John
appear in court and wonder aloud why Carlos’ was the only
lawn on Wisteria Lane that needed to be mowed three times a
Zach goes off the deep end, attacking Felicia with a hockey
stick and holding Susan prisoner in her own house, awaiting
Mike’s return. Zach knows that Mike ambushed Paul with
murder on his mind…but what Zach doesn’t know is that a)
Mike had a change of heart, and b) Mike is Zach’s real
father. Think Mike will be able to get all that out before
Zach shoots? You’ll have to wait ‘til next fall to find out.
Fortunately, the writers don’t keep us waiting through the
summer hiatus to learn the full details of Mary Alice’s
sordid history. Turns out the Youngs didn’t steal Dana/Zach
from his mother; the dumb junkie sold her baby to them--and
then, years later, wanted him back. She showed up on
Wisteria Lane, attacked Paul with the fire poker when he
tried to stop her, and got a great big chef’s knife in the
belly--courtesy of none other than Mary Alice herself.
Desperate housewife, indeed.
So the big question was answered, but a few loose threads
linger. What is Andrew planning to do to Bree--and how will
his father’s death affect that plan? Why has no one clued in
to the fact that Rex’s drugs were switched? And what is the
deal with the new family on the block, who won’t let Edie in
A few more details on each of these fronts would have been
nice…but alas, for that too, we must wait until the leaves
of Wisteria Lane turn brown.
In the meantime, enjoy your summer.
IS THAT A PUTTER IN YOUR POCKET, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO
That sassy, sexy Bree: She just
doesn’t realize the effect she has on men. Well, George, at
least. Trying to get him to miss a putt on the mini-golf
course, she walks her fingers down his back and whispers coy
taunts in his ear. Small wonder the man sports some wood
while holding his putter! Bree is shocked and appalled--and
tells George that they can no longer be friends, but that he
is free to break into her house, take pictures of her
lingerie, and discover Rex’s dirty little box of S&M toys in
Meanwhile, Lynette tries to out-shark “pretty shark”
Annabel--and, instead of getting her rival hired at a
competing firm, succeeds in enabling Annabel to nab the VP
promotion that Tom has always wanted. Worse, when Tom storms
into his boss’s office demanding to know why Annabel got the
job instead of him, the boss reveals that Lynette complained
to Mrs. Boss about how much any increase Tom’s travel would
hurt the family. Winner this round: the pretty shark.
Gabby sets the stage for the eventual revelation of her
affair with John, telling Carlos that she’s leaving him and
suggesting that the baby isn’t his. He follows her to John’s
apartment, sees her hugging gay Justin, and gets himself
arrested for a hate crime. On the bright side, though, with
his olive skin and dark hair, Carlos looks surprisingly good
in his orange jumpsuit.
Life gets giddy for Susan, who appears at Mike’s shoulder in
a slinky robe and lingerie just as Edie is dropping by his
place with a box of donuts and two enormous …um…cream
puffs…falling out of her too-tight tank top. Never one to
gloat, unless it’s a day that ends in ‘y’, Susan also
hastens to tell Edie about Mike’s plans to move in with
Susan and Julie. Even an intervention (covertly organized,
of course, by Edie herself) can’t dissuade Susan from moving
in with the confessed murderer and former drug dealer. Would
a second murder?
That’s what sly Bebe seems to have in mind, as she laments
the lack of a death penalty in Wisteriaville--and then lets
Mike know where to find Paul on Thursday night. Mike shows
up, sees Paul, and, bam! Bitch goes down. Not down for the
count…yet…but there’s still time.
And speaking of murder: How ‘bout that Bree, calmly making
the bed while poor Rex sits slumped on the stairs? He’s
having a heart attack, waiting for Bree to drive him to the
hospital--which she will do just as soon as she gets the
last of those darn wrinkles out of the bedspread. It’s
understandable that she feels humiliated, thinking that
George heard doctors at Rex’s hospital gossiping about her
sex life (when in fact George is the real pervert, sniffing
her empty stockings like that), but she goes too far.
Will Bree lose her husband at the hands of a man she’d never
dream of sleeping with? Will Susan’s true love commit a
second righteous murder--and, in doing so, lose her forever?
And, hey, what the heck is Andrew still plotting, anyway?
Only one episode left to find out.
"I PLAN TO GET REALLY FAT AS A TRIBUTE TO YOUR MOTHER."
Ahhhh, Mother’s Day,
You’ve got mommy-to-be Gabrielle making the above wisecrack
to Carlos, and hoping to be morning-sick all over his
You’ve got stay-at-home mom Lynette being criticized by her
husband for smelling like baby drool, and telling her that
“guys sometimes like it when you put a little effort into
You’ve got paragon of all-things-maternal Bree still
awaiting whatever dire prank her beloved son Andrew plans to
pull, and getting caught engaging in a little platonic
spoon-feeding with Pharmacist George (Edie: “You could have
an affair with anyone you want, and you choose a pharmacist?
You’re such a Republican.”), and probably planting the seeds
for Rex’s future heart attack, however unintentional those
seeds may be.
You’ve got childlike mother Sophie getting engaged to Morty,
demanding a bigger rock than his ex-wife got, and giving
Susan yet another reason to curse her own bad luck in love
(at least temporarily).
And, best of all, you’ve got childless Felicia swooping in
to save Zach from his evil father, removing the boy from
Paul’s custody after discovering the tranquilizers Paul had
been feeding him. She shows Paul several incriminating pages
from Martha’s journal, describing how Paul and Mary Alice
stole Zach from an unfit mother, and mentions that she has
put a duplicate copy of the pages in a very safe place. “It
seemed a reasonable precaution, since you murdered my
sister,” she says casually. “Would you like a cookie?”
Felicia then explains that she will be acting as Zach’s
mother from now on, and Paul will be allowed to pack up and
leave town, starting over as a fugitive once again, without
even getting a chance to say goodbye to his son.
The homes of Wisteria Lane are positively bursting at the
seams with motherly love. It’s enough to bring a tear to
anyone’s eye during this time of the year, whether mother or
ARE YOU TRYING TO BREAK MY HEART?
It had to happen eventually. The
writing was just too good to be sustained for an entire
season. Sunday’s episode of “Desperate Housewives” was
wildly inconsistent, and raised questions about whether the
payoff of Wisteria Lane’s season-long mystery can possibly
First and foremost, what the hell was up with Lynette this
week? How did she suddenly turn from the feisty, confident
heroine we all know and love into this quivering, insecure
mess? Her unprovoked confrontation with Annabel at the
office is embarrassing (and only serves to spur Annabel’s
interest in antagonizing Lynette), and using her kids to put
on a blatantly coached “happy family” routine at dinner is
beneath her. Her behavior is completely out of character,
and the writers should know better.
George the pharmacist also reveals traits not demonstrated
in prior episodes, snapping rudely at his assistant, and
behaving abominably towards her after forcing her to pretend
to be his girlfriend at Carlos’s Big House Barbecue Sendoff.
True, we’ve seen the pharmacist swap out Rex’s heart pills
for something undoubtedly more sinister, so we knew George
was not exactly Mr. Rogers, but that behavior was in direct
response to Rex’s smug dismissal of George. Ginger, in
contrast, hasn’t done anything to George; at least not as
far as we know.
More concerning is the flashback scene between Mrs. Huber
and her sister Felicia. It is not made clear how long ago
the conversation occurred, but the implication is obvious:
Mrs. Huber was informed about Zach’s past, yet told no one
about it. Given what we know about Mrs. Huber’s gossipy
ways, how likely is it that she would keep that secret to
herself for any length of time? Not very. It is equally
unlikely that, assuming she were able to keep it a secret,
she would not at least attempt to profit from it via
blackmail (after all, that’s what she did to Susan after
Edie’s house fire), yet the note to Mary Alice made no
mention of money.
The threads of the story are all coming together, with just
a few episodes left in the season, but the writers had
better be careful. They’ve spoiled us these past several
months, and set the bar incredibly high. If they let us down
in the home stretch allowing inconsistencies such as these
to sneak through, we won’t soon forget it. We’ll have all
summer to think about it.
We want to love you, but we’re afraid of getting hurt again.
Promise us you’ll change?
YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS STILL GREAT WRITING ON TELEVISION:
Hats off to the writers who make
Wisteria Lane such a delightfully perverse place to live.
They outdid themselves this past Sunday, providing us with
an episode that was positively bursting with quotable
quotes. Let’s revisit them, shall we?
TOP TEN QUOTES FROM SUNDAY’S EPISODE
10. “Why don’t you move someplace less expensive…like a
nursing home?” (Lynette, to crotchety old neighbor Mrs.
9. “I can’t; I’ve got a roast in the…freezer.” (Lynette
again, unsuccessfully trying to avoid spending time with
8. “Mom, could you please not flirt with the ice cream man?”
7. “What’s our new rule?” “Stop pretending we have a future
6. “I can’t talk to you while you’re being hysterical.”
(Gabby again, in response to John’s suggestion that she
return her new shoes)
5. “I brought peppermint schnapps.” (Susan’s “date,” Lamont,
trying to impress her)
4. “Huh?” (Rex, blatantly pretending not to hear Andrew ask
who the fourth place setting at dinner is for)
3. “Could we at least have dessert before you start calling
our son a sodomite?” (Rex, to Bree)
2. “What a fun night. We should really do this again
sometime.” (Andrew, to the family minister, after Bree has
disclosed Rex’s S&M proclivities to the table and both
parents have fled the room)
1. “When that happens…trust me, I’ll know paradise.”
(Andrew, describing to the minister his plans to take
revenge on Bree by doing something so awful, her world will
be permanently rocked)
So, we’ve got dialogue so sizzling it’s setting living rooms
on fire; we’ve got Bree handing Andrew a map of all her hot
buttons and daring him not to push them; we’ve got Mike
Delfino smoldering away with the knowledge that Paul Young
may be connected to the murder of dear departed Deirdre; and
we’ve got that nearly-forgotten pharmacist still burning
with the need to take revenge on smug Rex.
Better fix yourself a cool drink. It’s going to be one hell
of a hot spring on ABC.
WHO'S YOU DADDY? The
Y chromosome carriers play a pivotal role in this week’s
episode, with Zach covering for his father’s lies in front
of the police--and then finding out that Daddy lied to
him, too. Not only did poor, demented Zach not
kill Dana all those years ago; Zach is Dana. The
closer we get to May sweeps, the more the plot thickens.
Meanwhile, Mike learns exactly how Susan wound up becoming
the lovably frazzled klutz she is…when Susan’s lovably
frazzled mother accidentally hits his car. Mom has dropped
in unannounced, distraught from the “abuse” she received
from the ever-so-intimidating Bob Newhart--and she wants to
move in with Susan. Cut to: a frantic Susan begging Dr. Bob
to take her mother back…followed by Dr. Bob reluctantly
apologizing to Susan Senior--who then bites him on the arm.
Good luck working that one out.
Over at Kamp Krusty’s Juvenile Home for Wayward Youth, after
being snubbed by son Andrew, Bree gets a taste of how the
other half lives, overhearing an exchange between two
deliciously white-trash mothers:
Mom 1: “I caught her going through my purse.”
Mom 2: “Was she looking for weed, or money?”
Bree: (Presses lips together tightly, constricts sphincter,
and turns paler than the powdered sugar on those lemon bars
she smuggled in).
And, back at the Scavo compound, precious Porter, Parker and
Preston (how do the writers expect us to keep them all
straight? Can we please have, like, a Steve, or something,
next time around?) drive Bree to distraction--and then to
spanking one of them. Lynette is mortified and furious,
until she realizes that Bree has just given her a brand new
(and highly effective) threat to pull out every time her
kids misbehave. Bree gets to be the bad guy (as usual), and
Lynette gets to maintain her no-corporal-punishment policy.
It’s a win-win!
But of course, the Y chromosomes that matter most are those
belonging to Carlos--who shows an ugly side in his dealings
with duplicitous Gabrielle--and to John, into whose bed
Gabby goes running when Carlos bruises her arm while
literally forcing her to sign a post-nuptial agreement.
Between the tampered birth control pills, the pregnancy to
come, and the baby whose true paternity will be unknown to
everyone but Mary Alice…it sounds like the perfect recipe
for a sweeps month to remember.
"THAT STRIKES ME AS A VERY EFFICIENT WAY TO TEACH RESPECT
FOR BOUNDARIES: So
this is what it has come to: Instead of comparing average
SAT scores and having the “private vs. state school” debate,
the Van de Kamps are pouring over glossy brochures from
juvenile correction facilities and discussing how well
electrified fences do or do not teach respect for
boundaries. It’s two months from graduation, and Andrew has
gone and gotten himself expelled. He steps out of line with Bree once too often, and Rex does what we’ve all been
wanting him to do: he slams the boy up against the wall and
threatens physical violence. That, too, is an efficient way
to teach respect for boundaries…
But Andrew’s not the only one getting in over his head.
Lynette “Are you saying I’m not tactful?” Scavo verbally
attacks the rude husband of a friendly acquaintance who
happens to be deaf--and, in return for defending the deaf
woman’s honor, gets called a bitch for her trouble.
Meanwhile, Gabby just can’t stop checking out that gift
horse’s teeth. Not content with her blind luck in having
Juanita emerge from a coma, yet die before revealing her
indiscretions, Gabby insists on doubling down: she plans to
accept a $1.6MM wrongful death settlement from the
hospital…without Carlos finding out. Oh, and while sending
him to jail on a plea bargain first, so the government can’t
get their hands on the money.
Anyone want to place a bet how this one turns out? There’s
no way Gabby’s going to pull this off, and there’s going to
be hell to pay when it all falls apart. Gabby should have
taken a closer look at those coffin catalogues while she had
them, and maybe asked about a two-for-one sale.
At this point, she’ll be lucky if Carlos even buys her a
pine box. ~Buffybot
"WHAT THE HELL KIND OF STREET DO WE LIVE ON?"
Good question, Edie. After more than a month of repeats (!),
our favorite housewives are back, and more desperate than
ever. Gabby steals a porta-potty because she and Carlos are
too poor to get their pipes fixed, and Lynette suffers the
indignity of having her boys falsely accused of spreading
lice throughout their fancy-pants school.
The real desperation, though, belongs to Bree. Once Maisy
Gibbons is arrested for solicitation, it’s only a matter of
time before those names in her little black book will come
out. Out at dinner one night, Bree’s worst nightmare comes
true when she realizes that every other patron in the
restaurant is in fact laughing at her and her husband. True
to form, Bree sticks it out -- refusing to give her
tormentors satisfaction by leaving -- and gives Rex a
glimpse of the true meaning of humiliation.
Here’s the real question, though: Are there any other
names in that book we should worry about? The smart money
(specifically, husband MedTV) says yes…but we’ll have to
wait and see.
Meanwhile, Rex grows more fatigued as a result of whatever
mystery drug the pharmacist gave him, and Paul discovers
Felicia’s link to his late wife -- and realizes that others
may know about it as well.
Long-hidden secrets coming to light…past mistakes spinning
out of control…and perhaps another murder (or two) on the
“What just happened?” Bree asks during the women’s weekly
“The stakes were raised,” Lynette replies.
I couldn’t have put it better myself. ~Buffybot
THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT...EXCEPT FOR ZACH:
On the heels of much real-life press speculation about
actress Marcia Cross’s sexual orientation, comes the episode
in which Bree Van De Kamp’s son Andrew is caught kissing
another boy. Every good nighttime soap needs a gay teen,
right? Kelly Taylor dated one on “90210” (briefly, since he
wouldn’t put out…), and so did poor, lovesick Joey (Katie
Holmes) on “Dawson’s Creek.” Even as we speak, drunken,
mixed-up Marisa is locking well-glossed lips with hot
alterna-bombshell Alex over on “The O.C.”
Is it a sign of the apocalypse? Another example of the
rumored Hollywood “gay mafia’s” influence in action? Proof
that homosexuals really are trying to take over the world?
Actually, no. It’s a sign of progress. That writers can feel
free to explore these storylines without undue fear of
network reprisal is a breath of fresh air -- and opens up
new opportunities for storytelling. Kelly Taylor’s gay
boyfriend appeared in a paltry few episodes, then
disappeared. Years later, Kerr Smith fared a little better
on “Dawson,” but never quite attained the same status as the
show’s other characters. Andrew Van De Kamp is a regular
character, with issues above and beyond his sexual
orientation (don’t forget about that drinking and drug
use…or his remorseless hit-and-run). I for one am looking
forward to the gay teen issue being handled as an ongoing
storyline as opposed to a “very special episode.”
As for the rest of the characters…shame on Tom Scavo (Doug
Savant) for angling to snare his co-worker’s promotion while
the guy is recuperating from quadruple bypass surgery. The
more I learn about Lynette’s husband…the more I wonder why
she married him. Gabby earns bonus points for her savvy
handling of the Justin situation -- and more bonus points
for calmly suggesting to Carlos that it might be time to
sell their house (despite what downsizing to an apartment
might do to her pride). Looks like someone sent the writers
that trunk of Valentine chocolates and money like I
The police confront Susan with Mike’s conviction for drug
trafficking and manslaughter…but it’s not really Mike that
Susan should be worried about. It’s Zach.
That scene between Zach and Julie by the pool, where Zach
points a finger-gun at Andrew and says ‘pow’?
Not harmless childplay. Not harmless…at all.
Run, Julie -- as fast as you can. ~Buffybot
WHEN I THINK ABOUT YOU, I SHOOT MYSELF:
Several new revelations this week. Back when her name was
Angela Forrest, Mary Alice Young used to work with Martha
Huber’s sister Felicia at the Dorothy Drake Rehabilitation
House in Utah. Let me guess: previous, and possibly current,
residence of the missing Dana, perhaps? Also, Lynette’s kids
are a bunch of thieves, and Rex finally gives in and asks
Bree to dominate the one area of his life she doesn’t
already fully control. Which dishwasher setting do you use
for handcuffs, by the way? Hi-temp scrub, with sani-rinse?
This episode had two key players acting out of character,
unfortunately. Gabrielle has always been arrogant, but not
quite the raging bitch she was to Yao Lin, as well as to her
“mattress king” employer and his customers. Sounds like Eva
Longoria needs to send a giant box of Valentine chocolates
-- or maybe just a bag full of money -- to the DH writing
staff, stat, before her character loses any hint of
Lynette, too, has always been feisty…but never the type to
throw an egg in her elderly neighbor’s face. Granted,
crotchety Mrs. McCluskey (aka Dolores Landingham from “The
West Wing”) should never have run over Lynette’s son’s
bike…but there are lines that good people don’t cross, and
egging dear old Mrs. Landingham in the face is right smack
on the wrong side of that line. Still funny, though.
In contrast, Susan is perfectly true to form, finding
herself involved in yet another slapstick moment with
consequences. This time, it’s her too-short dress, combined
with her inexplicable inability to notice a waiter crouched
under her table (!), that leads to a scream and a fall and a
crash -- and the ripping of the stitches from Mike’s shiny
new gunshot wound.
Mike decides the best course of action is to sit there
bleeding through dinner, then realizes his tough-guy genes
aren’t that dominant, after all. He gets up to leave, falls
to the floor, and has to make up some lame story about how
he shot himself cleaning his gun. The doctors don’t buy
it…so neither does Susan….
…And that’s BEFORE Susan sees the dead woman’s bracelet
Lynette’s kids stole from Mike’s garage. Better beef up that
alibi, tough guy. ~Buffybot
ALL THE HIP KIDS ARE LISTENING TO KANSAS:
As was bound to happen, Zach kisses Julie, and is walked in
on by Susan -- who is understandably mortified to see her
daughter embracing the father-beating,
boy next door. It’s terrible; it’s awful; Julie positively
cannot date him, says Susan…but, sure, yeah, go to the
school dance with him. Shouldn’t be any problem with that.
At said dance, suspicious chaperone Paul asks overprotective
chaperone Susan to dance with him -- to freakin’ “Dust in
the Wind,” of all things, because apparently all the hip
kids are listening to Kansas these days -- in order to learn
which, if any, of Zach’s secrets Susan knows. Susan pretends
she’s heard all of them, and gets Paul to spill some details
about Dana…but she still doesn’t learn the full truth -- and
neither do we. Is Dana still alive? The episode leads you to
believe otherwise, but my money says yes, and it also says
she will be showing up just in time for sweeps.
John the Hot Gardener’s parents show up at Gabby’s house
looking for a favor: They need her to talk their
no-longer-jailbait son into attending college as planned,
rather than giving it up to launch his gardening business
full-time. To keep her secret secret, Gabby complies, and
John surprises her by proposing with his grandmother’s
engagement ring. He wants to start the business to earn an
income so he and Gabby can get married. Gabby’s response?
“I’ve been poor but happy. Guess what? I wasn’t that happy!”
For once, she does the right thing -- and breaks the kid’s
Lynette is troubled by her father-in-law’s infidelity, and
husband Matt, shmuck that he is, appears to have followed in
Daddy’s footsteps at least once. This revelation will
undoubtedly also be unveiled during sweeps, possibly carried
onto the set in a locked silver briefcase, handcuffed to
Dana’s wrist. Or maybe not.
Rex and Bree enjoy games of one-upmanship with their divorce
lawyers, each claiming rights to items they know the other
covets. Bree, the non-skier, takes the condo in Aspen; Rex
takes the good china so he will have something nice off
which to eat takeout. To quote Rex, “Isn’t divorce fun?”
It is when it’s these two. But watch out for creepy George
-- and, Rex, seriously, dude: don’t leave your prescriptions
with the guy you’ve just insulted, and who wants to bang
your wife. It’s just good common sense. ~Buffybot
I WISH I COULD, BUT I DON'T WANT TO:
Poor, sad little Edie is distraught to have conclusive
evidence that her only real friend is dead. She plans to
scatter Huber’s ashes in a nearby river, and asks the usual
suspects to come along. Bree, Gabby and Lynette all have
valid excuses, which leaves Susan holding the short straw.
Susan tries to pull a Homer (“I’d love to wanna help you,
Flanders…”) -- or perhaps that’s a Phoebe (“Gee, I wish I
could, but I don’t want to…”) -- but eventually realizes she
needs to go to help make up for burning the poor slut’s
house down. Especially if the poor slut is about to find out
whodunit, since Felicia is reading her late sister’s
Susan ends up being covered in Martha’s ashes and hosed down
by Edie on her own front lawn after fessing up about causing
Edie’s house fire -- which is about par for the course, for
Susan, and actually she got off pretty easy this week. It’s
Bree who wins the Slapstick Moment of the Week award, when
George tries to kiss her and he winds up shooting himself in
the foot both figuratively and literally. Watch out for the
lonely guys who give you guns wrapped in pretty boxes.
They’re trouble every damn time.
Looking for an oasis of calm in this mad, mad world, Lynette
tries to get into a popular yoga class, but only succeeds
when the desk clerk sees Parker’s bald head and assumes that
he is suffering from cancer instead of brothers with gum.
Hey, she’s the one who jumped to conclusions; you can’t
blame Lynette for doing what’s needed to achieve her one
brief moment of Zen. Well, not much, anyway.
Gabrielle has her hands full with Carlos home but not
working -- and, worse, pushing hard for her to reconsider
their mutual “no kids” agreement. She promises not to leave
him no matter what, but she may renege on that deal once she
discovers that her loving husband has replaced her birth
control pills with placebos. Just a hunch.
Okay, time for a poll: Who else enjoyed watching the model
eat fried chicken? Coming off Teri Hatcher’s description at
the Golden Globes of Eva Longoria as “the cute young one who
eats a lot,” watching Gabby sit on the curb with a bucket of
KFC and curly fries was just about perfect. The fact that
she did it just out of range of Carlos’s house arrest
anklet, taunting him, was gravy for those biscuits you know
were in the bucket too.
Last, but definitely not least, there’s Mike Delfino, who
turns out to be investigating the residents of Wisteria Lane
not because of Mary Alice’s death, but to unravel the
mysterious death of his late wife, Deirdre. He’s been hired
by Deirdre’s father, who mentions that Mike must be
dedicated to finding the truth and delivering justice --
since, after all, Mike has killed once before for Deirdre’s
Whom did he kill? When? Under what circumstances? Nobody
knows. He’s a riddle, cloaked in an enigma, smothered in
secret sauce, that Mike. ~Buffybot
GOD BLESS BEBE:
Just when -- come on, admit it -- you were starting to miss
Mrs. Huber’s prickly personality, in walks her equally
prickly sister, Felicia…played by…Harriet Sansom Harris,
best known as Frasier Crane’s prickly agent Bebe. “Every
person on this street is praying for your sister’s safe
return,” quoth the man who killed said sister. Responds Bebe:
“Oh, I seriously doubt that.” Delicious! Can’t wait to see
more of her in action; this bitter pill will nicely offset
the sickly sweetness of some of the Susan-oriented
Speaking of which, Susan finally – finally! -- gets what
she’s always wanted: an apology from Carl, and the knowledge
that he wants her back. Better yet, she realizes that she’s
really, honestly over him. Too bad the moment is half
spoiled by her karaoke outburst, though we do get the
pleasure of watching Edie sing about “exploring subtle
whoring” during her rendition of “I’ve Never Been to Me.”
Could more appropriate lyrics have been chosen? Methinks
Meanwhile, Gabrielle is hard up for cash -- so hard up that
she has to take an icky spokesmodel job hawking the new
model Buick at the mall for $300/day. Buick paid a
promotional fee for their involvement in the episode and, to
their credit, the plug does actually mesh seamlessly with
the storyline. But here’s the question: if your product
placement effort puts the heroine in a situation in which
she is humiliated to be plugging your product…is that really
a wise outlay of cash? Does it really speak well for your
brand? Again, methinks not.
As for Lynette, her dream nanny situation turns into a
nightmare when husband Doug Savant accidentally spies Nanny
naked -- and is turned on by it. Nanny is sent packing,
post-haste. Two problems here: First, don’t we all remember
that Matt from Melrose Place is gay? He doesn’t care about
seeing big naked nanny boobies; he wants to see Hot Gardener
Dude naked. Second, Nanny gets fired for being attractive
(and accidentally naked), because Matt can’t handle having
her around (even though, again, he’s gay, people)? Lawsuit,
baby! Take ‘em for all they’re worth.
On the Van De Kamp front, the kids coerce Bree into letting
Rex coalesce at home. To Rex’s face, Bree insists she has no
feelings left for him (“Please do not mistake my
anal-retentiveness for actual affection.”), but she still
feels enough to want to make him jealous -- so she brings a
date home, leading to the best exchange of the episode:
George (Bree’s date): “Good evening, Dr. Van De Kamp.”
Rex: “Please, you’re dating my wife. Call me Rex.”
I’ll call him…someone we need to see more of. ~Buffybot
"Edie, what did you do to your dress?"
"I made it audience friendly! Can you tell I’m not wearing
Enjoy these moments, gentlemen. Edie has her good points,
but – oh, who am I kidding, she’s basically an awful person
wrapped up as a delicious slice of cheesecake. In fact, as
they position Susan Mayer as the soul of the show (a move
that took significant strides this week), Edie looks even
worse. Don’t look for her to make it to season two.
LOTS happened on Wisteria Lane this week, although much of
it was by VERY contrived circumstances. Susan leans down to
pick up something on the floor, and catches Gabrielle
teasing sexy gardener. Please. Who actually sees that stuff
in real life? Then, John and his buddy carelessly talk about
his banging a local housewife while John’s mother comes out
of the house and overhears. Puh-LEEZE. No teenager has that
conversation in public, and if he does, he sure as hell
doesn’t have it in his own driveway, when mom’s inside.
But that all pales in comparison to the revelation that Dead
Dana was not in fact the baby daughter that even Zack
believed he had, but rather an adult. But who? Mary Alice’s
sister? Her mother? Her lover? Paul’s mistress? And just
when we think that Gabrielle is about to get hauled off for
statutory rape (she confessed to John’s mother in order to
clear Susan’s name, in yet another contrived setup), it
turns out the cops were there for Carlos. Shocked, shocked
and appalled, we are.
It all may have been done using hackneyed tactics, but it
appears to be for the greater good of the characters. But
one question remains: will we call them in the morning once
they give up Mary Alice’s secret? ~MedTV
Lo, we were prophets.
Last week on "Desperate Housewives," we were led to believe that Edie
wrote the note that caused Mary Alice to commit suicide. From the onset,
we knew this was bogus, for two reasons. For one, Edie may be a lot of
things, but she’s not a sneak. If she wants something of yours, she’ll
pretty much ask for it, or declare her intent to steal it. Second of
all, everything Edie owned burned to the ground, forcing her to shack up
with… Mrs. Huber, who’s already shown a propensity for opportunism when
she blackmailed Susan into buying her groceries once she discovered who
was responsible for Edie’s fire. The easiest explanation is usually the
right one, so sayeth Occam’s Razor.
Having Paul clock Mrs. Huber with Mary Alice’s unreturned blender was a
nice touch, but the real masterstroke was how the episode had its cake
and ate it, too. We were horrified when Bree’s son showed no remorse for
running over Carlos’s mother, then minutes later, we were actually
rooting for the weasel Paul while he choked Mrs. Huber to death. Funny
how sometimes a life is much more, and much less, than a life.
So now we know who wrote the note. We still don’t know why. Who’s Dana?
How did Mrs. Huber (who will appear in flashbacks) find out about the
Young’s secret? When will Zack get out of the loony bin? And is Mike
working for Mary Alice’s parents, or are we just being led to think
that? (Quick thought: Was Dana their daughter or their niece, whose
accidental death they covered up?) And how about that dream sequence of
Lynette’s? Barring the scenes with Gabrielle in lingerie, that may be
the best moment of the show to date. ~MedTV
MORE DIRTY LAUNDRY:
Every show needs its George Costanza, apparently. Me, I find
Costanza to be one of the most unlikable, unwatchable losers
in TV history, and watching Teri Hatcher’s Susan Mayer stirs
up the same fits of frustration. She just can’t ever help
herself, can she? It’s one thing to be unlucky, or clumsy,
or less than witty, but the way Susan is set up, in every
episode, in the most painfully obvious way, to be the fool
(witness her uncharacteristically talking smack with Edie,
only to be unceremoniously rejected by Shady Mike seconds
later), is bordering on unbearable. Perhaps they consider
the Silly Susan Show to be enough to balance how dark the
rest of the show is, but let’s have more bits where they’re
all funny and they’re all dark instead. That, my friends, is
balance. That is real life. We all take our turn playing the
fool, not just one of us.
Plus, Edie is exposed as the anonymous author of the letter
that drove Mary Alice to kill herself. If you think that she
actually wrote that letter, you haven’t watched enough
T.O. AND T&A ON MNF:
Awesome, awesome, awesome.
ABC might be apologizing for it now, but their initial
reaction to the Terrell Owens/Nicollette Sheridan spot had
to have been the same as ours, which was something along the
lines of: "SWEET!" Who knew T.O. was a fan of white meat?
At this point, ABC looks like the Republican depiction of
John Kerry: they loved the spot, right up until someone
dared to disagree with them. They should have stuck with
their gut; they contend that they're a family "product" (one
look at that word shows you just how fabricated this all
is), yet they positively deluge their viewers with ads on
erectile dysfunction. Um, sorry guys, but I'd rather have a
conversation with my son about the birds and the bees than a
chat about why ole Pops can't get it up no more.