Bi-Weekly Columns - Archive
eager to impart words of wisdom and encouragement to his readers, this week
Lane offers up his own inspirational thoughts on such uplifting topics as
death, failure, mediocrity, selfishness, ignorance and impossibility.
- Thanks for the
Lane is enjoying the good life right now. Why? Because for the past couple weeks, his wife has been insisting that he looks at other women's boobs. No…seriously. In fact, she's actually been pointing them out to him!
- The good life (08/15/2003)
He gets it all the time: "You're so lucky. You get to make television commercials and go to big meetings all over the country."
Lane is used to all the attention his high-profile job earns him…even if he doesn't deserve it.
- A Day in the Life of
America. For me (08/01/2003)
cares about you, loyal reader. And in an effort to offer you a window into his personal life, this week he chronicles "A Day in the Life of Lane," complete with some handy-dandy photos of, among other things, his wife flipping him off. Several times.
- The Overnight Stay
original screenplay, "The Overnight Stay," is based on his own
terrifying true story of a fun family overnight trip to a hotel. You'll find
yourself on the edge of your seat as Lane battles his archenemy Pain in the
Ass, played to perfection by his wife.
- Put up or shut up
Tired of being called a dummy and a moron,
Lane wants to prove once and for all that he really is an intelligent guy. So this week, follow along with Lane as he takes an online IQ test and discovers that he's a "precision processor."
- A meeting of the Justice League of America. In, like, 30 years
a glimpse into the not-so-super future of America's favorite superheroes,
Lane uncovers the messy details of a typical Justice League weekly meeting,
including Hawkman's drinking problem and the brewing feud between Batman and
- Open for business
can't understand why a major corporation like Nike would be willing to invest $90 million in an unproven commodity like LeBron James. Why not instead spend that money on a 42-year-old balding Jewish man with a general lack of skill?
- A transcript of my
recent press conference (05/23/2003)
Struck by the recent turmoil surrounding former college coaches Larry Eustachy and Mike Price,
Lane, head coach of the "Guzzling Guzzled Guzzlers" in the Yahoo Free Fantasy Baseball League #41571, admits to some of his own personal problems.
- The news from
After hearing that a Little Rock school district had banned "Harry Potter" books from its library shelves,
Lane discovered even more interesting news headlines from Arkansas, including the death of a squirrel lowering the state IQ.
- Random love letters
to my wife (04/25/2003)
Lane has never been a man who was ashamed to share his deepest, most
candid feelings with his beloved wife. Lane proves that he's a heartless
romantic by giving us a peek at some of the "love letters" he's written for her over the
- Dear Pisces (04/11/2003)
Lane has never been a horoscope kind of guy, but recently he got suckered into reading his horoscope everyday for a week to see if they actually came true. Of course, they didn't…but at least he got a column out of it, right?
- For the millionth
time, nothing (03/28/2003)
When Lane's wife asks him what he's thinking about, he tells her the truth:
"Nothing." So why doesn't she ever believe him?
- Lane responds to
spam email (03/14/2003)
We all get this crap - spam email. Lane decided to respond to some of them.
Naturally, the idiots don't respond back.
- See you in court!
Irritated -- and intrigued -- by some recent frivolous lawsuits, Lane decided it was finally time to take
action, outlining his own grievances against the city of Las Vegas, an ab machine manufacturer and the parents of Britney Spears.
Tired of all the male-bashing going on in
magazines like Redbook, Cosmopolitan and, the worst of them all,
Oprah, Lane imagines what the headlines would be like if he were the world's largest
- An apple for
teacher? A rotten one maybe (01/31/2003)
Lane reflects on all the time he wasted in school and realizes every one of his teachers lied to him -- he doesn't need math, English or wood shop. He's got a calculator, spell check and the Amish instead.
- When it affects me,
yes, there is something wrong with that (01/17/2003)
Lane is an understanding man who doesn't judge someone by his sexual
orientation. Unless, of course, that someone's sexual orientation prevents
Lane from accessing his favorite "recreational" Web sites at work.
Then he's not so understanding.
- Good God! Someone's
stolen my wife! (01/03/2003)
Like most married men, Lane is rarely the object of his wife's sexual affection. So you can understand Lane's excitement and confusion when his wife suggested they rent a "dirty movie" last week.
- Skill level: zero
After recently embarrassing himself on a basketball court,
Lane finally realizes that, instead of being fast or strong or coordinated, he was blessed with male-pattern baldness. And a family history of heart disease.
- On my own (12/06/2002)
While his wife recovered from a "girl things" surgery that prevented her from having sex for a week, Lane suddenly found himself all alone. With his right hand. And his left one too.
- Where am I? (11/22/2002)
All Lane wanted when he recently stopped at a Starbucks was a large coffee, but he ended up with a venti Sumatra…and he still doesn't know what that is.
- Hey, where's the
As a life-long Bills fan, Lane carries a deep hatred for the Miami Dolphins.
Following Buffalo's 23-10 win in Miami a few weeks ago, Lane decided to
visit the Dolphins' Web site just to make sure their fans knew how he felt.
- There's still hope
After reading that females ages 40 to 80 have trouble finding competent lovers,
Lane finally realized that his sexual prowess was being wasted on hot, young women. Now, Lane will instead focus his attention on being the "Don Juan of Depends."
- Really must see TV
Lane is tired of all the crap that's on TV these days, and he's got plenty of solutions. Check out his idea for a show called "Everybody Loves
Rammin'" about "a
well- endowed stay-at-home man who cracks jokes, charms neighborhood housewives, and then does them all before dinner."
- Why yes, you can
help me (09/27/2002)
Apparently bored out of his mind one day,
Lane decided to call the Home Shopping Network to get information on such useful items as the Rock EZ Walk Treadmill, the Maggie Sweet Embroidered Blazer…and a pair of tweezers.
- Me, here for you
Faced with an extreme case of writer's block, Lane decided he'd pawn off a tired cliché column onto his readers rather than trying to come up with an original, thoughtful idea. How nice….
- Brilliant. Pure
genius. And did I mention brilliant? (08/30/2002)
After watching the wonderful film "Crossroads," Lane is convinced
that pop sensation Britney Spears is also the best young actress on the
- A nip in the air
A man who's always appreciated the true comforts that modern life has to offer, Lane praises the wonderful effects that air conditioning has on certain female body parts during these blistering summer months.
- My non-stop,
binge-drinking weekend (08/02/2002)
While in Las Vegas last weekend for a wedding, Lane gambled and gawked at
beautiful women, but he didn't have to worry about drinking -- his wife and
friends took care of that by themselves.
- Thankful. And
grateful for it (07/19/2002)
Lane thanks God everyday for his beautiful, loving wife. Because without
her, he wouldn't know that he shouldn't leave his wet towel on the floor, or
that watching sports on TV is a total waste of time.
- WDJDWHSPAA? (07/05/2002)
For people looking for a little guidance in their lives, Lane suggests
asking one simple question when faced with a tough decision, like how to
tell your wife that you lost 200 bucks in a poker game: What Did Jesus Do?
- You like me. You
really like me (06/21/2002)
Lane exchanges pleasantries with one of his female "fans" who
particularly enjoyed his column on hefty women.
- Pound for pound,
simply the best (06/07/2002)
A man who's always been able to find beauty in all of life's creatures, Lane
sings the praises of fat women everywhere.
- Rhyme. No reason
Thanks to a chance meeting with a young couple at the airport, Lane decides
to try his hand at the art of poetry. We're sorry....
- Can this man be
A loving family man when he's with his wife, Lane wonders why he turns into
a "ravenous skirt-chasing predator, hell-bent on finding jeans that are a little too tight, shirts that are a little too snug"
as soon as he leaves his house.
- Football: a woman's
Lane wonders if Condeleeza Rice, the national security advisor who admitted
that she'd like to be NFL commissioner one day, should really be focusing on
her next career move right now.
- On cats with little
X's on their eyes (04/19/2002)
With a little help from Cat Fancy Magazine, Lane finally understands
why all those cat people in the world adore their pets.
- What's the big deal?
With the kind of pathetic life he leads, Lane's sure he could star in his
own hit television series.
- Ah, the good old
Longing for a simpler time, Lane
realizes that having sex was much easier when he was 14 years old.
- The wheels on the
bus go round and round. And round (03/29/2002)
Recently forced to take the bus to work, Lane talks about the joys of public
- Say it ain't so (03/22/2002)
Lane was just as shocked as everybody else when he heard that Rosie
O'Donnell is gay. Can you believe it?
- Moving on (03/15/2002)
Trying to catch the eye of television execs across the country, Lane shows
just how good of a sports analyst he'd be by breaking down the NCAA
- One man's humble
opinion (and FYI, I'm right) (03/08/2002)
Find out why Lane thinks women -- "Weekly, Our
Mission: Excessive Nagging"
-- shouldn't be allowed in the workplace.
- Up, up and away (03/01/2002)
Lane hadn't ridden a plane since September 9, but recently he once again
experienced the joys of air travel.
- Love Story, the
He's done it again -- Lane's fallen in love. Only this time, he's in love
with a mannequin at J.C. Penney's.
- Sincerely, Us (02/15/2002)
Lane takes the time to respond to a reader who refers to us as "women
worshippers." Hey, thanks for the compliment!
- I yam what I yam
Lane's the family bitch in his household...and after years of abuse he's
realized there's no way that's ever going to change.
me away (02/01/2002)
of romance novels catering only to women, Lane writes a letter to the fine
people of Harlequin Romance books, giving them a great idea for a book
geared toward sensitive, caring men. Like him.
at 10 o'clock (01/25/2002)
with the ability to look at women's asses, Lane learns how to master his
I mean, Jesus (01/18/2002)
transcribes a recent conversation he had with an operator on the 24-hour
Toll Free Prayer Line.
king of my castle? Close (01/11/2002)
Read on to see how Lane somehow found himself playing the game Pretty Pretty
Princess from Milton Bradley all weekend. And how he lost.
recently found out that he's not exactly his wife's idea of the perfect
the lead of NFL knuckleheads like Ray Lewis, Lane celebrates even his most
or Crap? Yes (12/21/2001)
looks at the mystery of bathroom stall graffiti.
news for men! (12/14/2001)
scanning all the spam e-mail in his inbox one day, Lane finally found a
message that perked his interest.
3/4/61. Died: Hopefully soon (12/07/2001)
by the public response to George Harrison's death, Lane finally realizes
the only way people will love and respect him is if he dies a tragic death
in the near future.
Why? Why? (11/30/2001)
asks his diary why pretty girls don't stare back at him.
that's funny (11/23/2001)
tells how to explain good jokes to your moronic friends.
The Lost Transcript (11/16/2001)
Lane found out exactly what happened at Plymouth Rock all those years ago.
Three Musketeers (11/09/2001)
praises the three heroes in his life: Brent, Howard and Tony.
no one else seems to care about them, Lane has suddenly become obsessed
with pennies and those little green "need-a-penny" dishes.
the point? (10/26/2001)
enough trouble trying to please one woman, Lane would pass up a threesome
if the opportunity ever arose.
recently discovered one of life's hidden treasures: coupons in the Sunday
Bills! Or not. Whatever (10/12/2001)
the Bills fielding one of the worst teams in the NFL this year, Lane, a
die-hard Buffalo fan, has never enjoyed a more relaxing football season.
issue with me (10/05/2001)
feels uncomfortable...and a little gay...every time he eats a
beer man (09/28/2001)
ready for this? Lane hates beer.... That's right. Read on to find out
- Thanks (09/21/2001)
shares his own unique perspective on the terrorist attacks in New York and
room in the back (09/17/2001)
examines the phenomenon of porno flicks and the back room of video stores.
now I get it (09/07/2001)
friend recently translated some business meeting lingo for Lane.
on fire (08/31/2001)
who claims he too played football at USC, thinks Seattle Mariners
outfielder Al Martin showed great disrespect to the university and its
distinguished alumni by lying about being a member of the football team
several years ago.
roing ron? (08/24/2001)
has noticed some serious problems with Scooby Doo and the gang.
hum. Whatever (08/17/2001)
the Cleveland Indians, Lane went through the motions this week with his
legend of Alex (08/10/2001)
12-year-old kids eat their toenails, or just Alex, the 12-year-old
Simpsons fan Lane met last weekend?
family vacation to Upper Michigan turned into a pretty expensive trip to
the local casino for Lane.
Pepsi girl (07/27/2001)
pledges his undying love for Britney Spears.
way before innocent (07/20/2001)
act of vandalism had Lane's wife questioning his fidelity.
take me out to the ballgame (07/13/2001)
it or not, Lane actually misses Cleveland Municipal Stadium when he
watches a Tribe game at the Jake.
I did that sucked on my summer vacation (07/06/2001)
summer vacation in lovely Ocean City didn't exactly live up to his
is dumb (06/29/2001)
an audition for The Weakest Link for Lane to realize he's not the smartest
guy in the world.
spent his weekend in Toronto looking at hot actresses in tight clothes.
How was your weekend?
says he deserves praise for being a litter bug.
- Yahoo (06/08/2001)
not a WNBA fan, but if he were, Lane wouldn't be ashamed to admit it. OK,
maybe he would be too ashamed to admit it, but that's not important.
What's important is the WNBA season has begun. OK, so that's not important
man amongst men (06/01/2001)
praises Spencer Tunick, a man who got a thousand women to take their
clothes off for him.
apologizes to men across the country for not enjoying lesbians.
Rules of the Game (05/18/2001)
it or not, there are a few guidelines every man must follow in a public
restroom. Lane explains what those rules are and how irritating it can be
when they're broken.
so deep thoughts (05/11/2001)
quick peek at what runs through Lane's head during sex.
father-in-law is obsessed with two things: Joe DiMaggio and the Cleveland
Lane describes his brush with Sly Stallone.
blow. We rule (04/20/2001)
most of his species, Lane takes great pride in being a kick-ass sports
loves The Sopranos, but Lane has one major change he'd make to the show if
he was the director.
- Ouch (04/06/2001)
recalls one of the most painful days of his life.
our time. Man time (03/30/2001)
man loves Poker Night, and Lane's no exception.
usually doesn't kiss and tell, but he made an exception this time.
most guys, Lane loves March Madness, but there is one aspect of this
annual event he could really do without: The Bitch.
got mail (03/09/2001)
thoughtfully answers a loyal reader's recent e-mail.
with an old man (03/02/2001)
40th birthday, Lane looks back on his eventful life...and realizes he's
kind of a loser.
And I really mean it (02/25/2001)
gives thanks to some of his favorite luxuries in life.
The chick (02/19/2001)
gained a new perspective on life after spending the day as a woman.
a nice day. Like that's possible (02/09/2001)
Valentine's Day as much as you, but he's got a plan that may just work.
hi. It's just me (02/08/2001)
quickly introduces himself and his new column to the Bullz-Eye.com