Queer eye for the straight guy who the queer eye thinks isn't such a straight guy
Two summers ago we went to Las Vegas with some friends who were getting remarried by an Elvis impersonator.
Along with my wife and I were several of their friends, one of whom wasn't particularly interested in women.
The funny thing is, he had never officially told our friends he was gay. It was one of those things that they knew and he knew that they knew and they knew that he knew that they knew, but none of them ever said that they knew to let the other one know that they knew what the other one knew.
Last week, he was talking to our friend (the wife) and finally, after 15 years of being friends, he admitted he was a National League hitter.
Her reaction? "Well, that's a shock," she said. "Do you think I didn't know that from the second I met you?"
At this point they laughed, they joked about it and they made light of his sexual preferences. About halfway through the conversation, the Las Vegas trip of two summers ago came up. Which led to this:
MR. NOT STRAIGHT:
Oh, by the way, those friends of yours?
You mean the Strausses?
MR. NOT STRAIGHT:
Yeah, those people.
What about them?
MR. NOT STRAIGHT:
Not them. Him.
What about him?
MR. NOT STRAIGHT:
I'm pretty sure he's gay.
MR. NOT STRAIGHT:
Trust me. I can tell. He's gay.
Needless to say, our friend immediately called my wife.
"So my friend thinks Lane is gay," said our friend.
"I wish," said my wife. "Then the idiot would leave me alone."
I came home from work that night. "Hi honey," I said.
"So how was your day, Lordly Keeper of the Flaming Ass?" she asked.
Sadly, this isn't the first time this has happened to me.
Last winter I had to get my car fixed. I stood around the dealership and chatted with my friend the car salesman for about 15 minutes. After I left, he called me.
He loved you.
Who loved me?
The gay salesman we have here.
So when you say he loved me, you mean he thought I was hilarious.
Dude, I mean, the second you walked out, he came up to me and asked who you were and if you had a boyfriend. He loved you.
Remind me to start taking my car to Jiffy Lube.
Now? Now, I'm getting nervous.
Somehow, someway, I'm sending off some sort of gay vibe.
Somehow, someway, every gay guy who comes in contact with me now thinks he has a shot.
Number one, no, they do not have a shot.
Number two, like I'd be that easy.
"Once is a fluke, twice is a trend," said my wife. "They must see something. Maybe you better take a look at your life and try to see what they're seeing, Mr. Enter Only."
Listen, the bottom line is, I know I'm not gay. And no matter what anybody says or thinks, I'm straight. One hundred percent straight.
Well, 99% straight. Brad Pitt is extremely good looking.
"You want me to take a look at my life and prove my masculinity?" I said. "Fine. And after I'm done, I'm gonna sit on my barco-lounger wearing my wife beater, drinking a beer and watching ‘Will and Grace.’ So there."
Gay, my ass.
And I don't mean that literally.
Watching the Bills game at my friend Howard's house, I said, "I'm telling you, it's unbelievable. Can you imagine that these guys think I'm gay?"
"That's ridiculous," said Howard. "Why in God's name would anyone on earth think that about you?"
"I don't get it," I said. "I mean, I'm the prototypical American man. I love football. I work out. I'm married. I've got kids. I don't give a crap about what I wear. And did I mention I love football?"
"Yeah, this whole thing makes absolutely no sense to me," said Howard. "I mean, I know some guys who are gay and you're so not like that. It's not even funny."
"It's weird," I said.
"Yeah, really weird," he said.
"I know," I said.
"Hey Lane," he said.
"Yeah?” I said.
"Do you need a pad for your knees or anything? You've been on all fours for awhile now," he said.
"No, I'm fine," I said. "Just please watch it when you're grabbing my hips. I'm kind of ticklish."
"Sorry," he said.
"No problem," I replied.
"I'm really getting sick of you teasing me about this gay thing," I said to my wife.
"I call 'em as I see 'em," she said.
"Whatever," I said.
"Well, I'll see you later, Queen of all Husbandry," she said. "I've got to run a few errands. Do you need anything while I'm out?"
"As a matter of fact, I do," I said. "I need new black eyeliner. Chanel. I'm also running very low on my Clinique skin moisturizer. And I cannot live without my aromatic elixir in the three-ounce bottle with spritzer. Also, if you could find a new black satchel for me that's big enough to carry my cell and wallet and lip gloss. And if you think about, pick up the new village People CD, Elton John’s Greatest His and anything by Boy George."
"Your honor, I rest my case," she said.
bullzriter: so anyway, now everybody I know thinks I’m gay.
manohman: dude, that's so weird.
bullzriter: I know man. imagine if it happened 2 u.
guysuy: so like, r u gonna deny it, or just act like no biggie?
bullzriter: dunno. 'cuz if I complain about it, seems like I'm trying 2 hard to act like I'm not. u no?
guysguy: it's weird.
bullzriter: freaky weird. don’t know where it came from. anyway, wassup guys?
manohman: nada. just typing and chatting…seeing who's out there.
guysguy: ditto. just worked out. nuthin' to do.
bullzriter: you just worked out?
guysguy: yup. got outta the shower a sec ago.
bullzriter: wow. that's totally HOTT!!!!!
guysguy: I'm just wearing a towel 2.
manohman: keep talking boys and I won't be using my fingers to type.
guysguy: oh man, you guys are smokin' HOTT!!!
bullzriter: I love this site.
"This is really starting to piss me off," I said to my friend Brent last weekend while we stood in line at the convenience store to get some beer. "Every second of the day she's teasing me about having gay tendencies."
"I wouldn't put up with that crap," said Brent. "I'd tell her I don't think it's funny at all and she better shut the hell up or you're going to show her exactly how tough of a guy you really are."
"Yeah!" I said.
"Yeah!" said Brent.
"Double yeah!" I said back.
"Can I help you?" said the clerk at the convenience store.
"Yeah!" I said. "I want to pay for this goddamned beer and then gimme two goddamned lottery tickets."
"Anything else, sir?" he asked.
"Yeah! Gimme a goddamned Playgirl, too." I said.
"Yeah!" said Brent. "And when he's done with the goddamned Playgirl, I'm going to look at it!"
"Yeah!" I said.
"Double yeah!" said Brent.
"Did you hear?" I asked my buddy Brian.
"About the whole gay thing?" he said. "Yeah, I heard. I think it's pretty funny, actually."
"Funny for you maybe," I said. "But after a while, you start to get a little paranoid about comments like that."
"I suppose," said Brian. "But if you ask me, I think you're taking this whole thing way too seriously. Just lighten up, will you please? Treat it like a joke and it'll go away, y'know? Jeez."
"I know, I know," I said. "It's just a weird thing to think that some guy is looking at you thinking, 'Yeah, baby. Papa wants a brand new bag.'"
"Look at it this way," said Brian. "You've potentially doubled your chances of finding a soulmate."
"Very funny," I said.
"I think so," said Brian.
"Thank God they have this steam room at the gym," I said. "This is the only way I can relax right now with all this crap people are throwing at me."
"Yep. Nothing like 110 degrees to calm your nerves," he said.
"Tell me about it," I said.
"Hey Lane," said Brian.
"Yes?" I said.
"Hey buddy, I don't mean to sound rude, but I think it's kind of unfair I always have to sit on your lap," he said.
"You're right," I said. "That's very selfish and dominating of me."
"I accept your apology," he said.
"I've been a very bad boy, Daddy," I said. "Punish me."
Diary, I spent a lot of time today thinking about what a great athlete Greg Louganis was. He was probably the best diver ever. And super-cute, too! The way he stood on that diving board with his shaved body wearing that tiny little bathing suit was, like, way cool. I liked it a lot. I think I liked it the most when he would walk to the board and turn around to do a back flip dive. That was probably my favorite dive that Greg Louganis would do. To me, dives like that are what made him such a great athlete. I wish he was still diving, because I miss watching him standing on that diving board with that tight little body and all. Diary, I remember when he hit his head on that diving board. It really made me sad thinking that maybe he would never stand on another diving board again with his butt turned toward the camera.
Diary, I wish there were more great athletes like Greg Louganis. I have a hard time watching diving now without him. It's so, oh I don't know, not as sleek. And firm. And shaved. So instead, I've been watching a lot of figure skating. My favorite skating move is when Brian Boitano lifts his leg from behind his back. I wish those skaters didn't have to wear so much, Diary. Although I do like sequins a lot.
"Well," I said to my wife, "I've spent a lot of time this week examining who I am and what I'm about. I've talked to other people and they all think it's totally ridiculous that anyone could think that about me. So do me favor and get off my back and quit teasing me. I'm starting to get a complex."
"Honey, honey, honey," she said. "I can't believe how sensitive you are. I've just been messing with you because it's fun to see you get all worked up over the whole silly thing. I promise I won't say anything ever again."
"Promise?" I said.
"Promise," she said.
"Good," I said.
"I love you," she said.
"I love you too," I said. "Hey, if you need anything, I'll be in the bedroom trying on your panties."
"Please don't touch the silk ones this time," she said. "You always stretch them out."
"Fine," I said. "Just do me a favor and holler when ‘Will and Grace’ is on."