Sure Signs
10/10/2003
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Sure signs your accountant is taking steroids
He always says, "Yeah, it's a bowtie. And yeah, it's real. Want me to tie it around your throat, jackass?"
He says, "You better watch it, buddy. I've got a hand-held organizer in my
pocket and I'm not afraid to use it."
He doesn't really see any difference between his pinstripes and the Yankees' pinstripes.
He threatened an associate by saying, "That's right, pal. And I'll give you a paper cut on your other arm too if you don't take it back."
He likes to puff out his 32" chest and say, "Dude, H & R Block couldn't even hold my laptop."
He often sticks a finger in your face and says, "You don't get it, do you? If it weren't for me crunching numbers, you'd be nothing. Nothing!"
He says, "Do you have any idea how pointy this pencil is?"
When asked, he says, "Certainly, I'll be happy to do your taxes. Right on your freaking skull!"
Sure signs your company knows you're surfing porn
Staff memos regarding office policies on inappropriate Web activity are addressed: "To The Staff. And Mike."
Every time your IT person sees you, he's nudges the person next to him and says, "That's the guy."
Your boss now addresses you as "BigStudJohn43."
ACCESS DENIED is on your screen more than any other phrase.
When you're getting coffee, someone in accounting asks, "Seen any naked horses lately? I mean, so are you busy?"
When you came into work yesterday, your computer was replaced with a typewriter. And a Playboy.
Every time someone walks by your office, you quickly click on something, get a very nervous look and then say, "Damn this Word Perfect!"
You didn't see anything wrong with expensing your $24.95 membership fee to nakedgrandmothers.com as a business entertainment expense.
Sure signs your family goldfish gets more respect than you
Your wife never asks the kids if they fed Dad before they left.
No one thinks your poop is cute.
Nobody puts coral on the ground to make it a more comfortable environment for you.
When the goldfish dies, they kids will cry, your wife will hug them, and then she'll have a nice ceremony culminating in the whole family standing in tearful silence as he spins around the toilet and disappears to the afterlife. When you die, your wife will call the funeral home and get remarried within the year.
Once a week, he gets fresh water.
Your wife goes out of her way to buy him special flakes to feed him. You get leftovers.
According to your kids, "We picked out Gil. We're stuck with you."
Sure signs you don't have what it takes to be a general manager in the NFL
During contract renegotiations, you would say to the player's agent, "He's by far the best guy on the team. But please don't tell him I said that. Capiche?"
After your first-round pick, you would say to the press, "Well, well, well. I believe we've just raised the bar on the whole Mr. Irrelevant thing."
Every time the phone rang, you would yell, "Buy! Sell! Trade!"
Going into the draft, you would say you were looking for the "best available Clarence."
You wouldn't sign a free agent defensive tackle because somebody on your team was already wearing his number.
When you'd inquire about a trade, you would say to the other GM, "Okay, I know our guy has a huge contract and he stinks. But seriously, what would you give me for him?"
On Draft Day you would stand up and yell, "What do you mean, no eighth round?"
When you put the franchise tag on your quarterback, he would say, "You're wrong, idiot. I do not have to wear this on my wrist."
When your owner asked you about the scouting combines, you would say, "My God. They have the best Damon's in Indy!"
Sure signs your wife is cheating on you
In the climactic moment of sex, she says, "Keep going." Then, she opens one eye and looks at you. Then, she closes it and says, "Bob."
When you ask her if she wants to have sex, she says, "It's okay, I already did today. I mean, oh, my head."
There's a PTA meeting twice a week and she says that the mandatory dress code this year is a little black dress and stilettos.
Every night at exactly 10:00, she says she, "has to go to the grocery store to get some." Then she realizes she didn't finish the sentence and she says, ""Milk."
While out to dinner with two other couples, someone mentions a survey they saw which stated that one out of every three women cheat on their husbands. The other two women kiss their husbands and say how much they love them. Your wife stares at the menu and says, "I wonder if the fish is any good?"
She shows up five minutes before your bypass surgery and as you're being wheeled away you hear her say on her cell phone, "He's going in right now. And I got someone to let me borrow a nurse's uniform!"
A friend of yours saw her go into a hotel with a stranger and come out two hours later holding hands with the guy. When you asked her about it she said, "Did you ever think that maybe a homeless man asked me for money and I told him I'd take him to lunch and then when we left the very crowded restaurant at the hotel, he nearly lost his balance in the wind so I grabbed his hand? Did you ever think that?" And then when you tell her that your friend also saw her ass pressed against the window of one of the hotel rooms, she said, "Oh, that hotel. No, I wasn't at that hotel."
When you go to Temple, you hear her thanking God for "Juan's beautiful penis."
Sure signs the hot chick in that movie you're watching doesn't want you as much as you want her
When you shout, "I love you" at the screen, she doesn't shout, "I love you" back.
You've seen all her movies so many times, you always know exactly what she's going to say. Yet even after all this time, she doesn't know what you're going to say.
When you hold flowers up to the TV, she refuses to acknowledge them.
She has no problem messing around with other guys right in front of you. On TV no less.
You keep talking to the TV and telling her that one guy in that one movie is going to hurt her in the end and that'd you'd be better for her, but she makes the same mistake every time.
The last fight you two were in, she hardly said anything other than her movie lines.
All those letters you've sent her, and not even a thank you.
You're guessing she probably doesn't have a shrine to you in her house like you do to her. But you're not sure.
Sure signs you might occasionally, possibly, hypothetically have a bet on a football game
Every time an announcer talks about Vick, you're pretty sure he says vig.
When you hear someone say that they're "laying two," you don't think, "Damn, that's one lucky guy. My girlfriend wouldn't let me do that."
The sports section of your newspaper is always turned to page 9, upper right hand corner.
You truly enjoy the spirit and pageantry of college football. Plus, multiple overtimes when you've bet the over are really good, too.
You don't know your anniversary or your wife's birthday. But you know Minnesota's record at home against a divisional rival after playing a non-conference game in a different time zone prior to a bye week.
When your wife asks who you're whispering to on the phone on Sunday at 12:45, you say, "No one. It's the wrong number." Then, you keep whispering.
Instead of questioning a team's offensive coordinator when they run up the middle on third and 20, you say, "Whatever. Did he stay inbounds?"
When someone asks who you want to win a game, you always say, "Me."
Sure signs you might need to check into one of those penis enlargement e-mails
The e-mail was forwarded to you by your wife.
The e-mail was forwarded to by your urologist.
The e-mail was forwarded to you by your urologist's wife.
To this day, you've never found anything funny about the old "is it in yet?" joke.
Every time your wife sees your penis she says, "Aaw, he's such a cute little booger."
In college, your girlfriend said, "Actually, your penis is the perfect size. For an eight-year-old."
You prefer measuring your penis in centimeters, because it always sounds bigger.
You prefer measuring your penis in centimeters, because no one knows how to convert centimeters to inches.
Sure signs you have no chance of meeting someone in a chat room
You think you're supposed to chat and you keep talking to the computer.
Your username is Stalker1.
When someone asks you to describe yourself, you type, "I'm 6'2", dark hair. Well built. Okay…gotcha! I'm a total geek!"
The first question you ask someone is, "So how old are you?" The second is, "So do you enjoy anal sex?"
When someone asks you why you're not responding fast enough, you type, "Jesus Christ, will you hang on a second, please? My mom is standing right here!"
You often type," Can we continue this conversation later? My parole officer is here."
You always enter the chat room with a simple message in 24-point type: "Hey, is anybody else as horny as all hell in here????"
You apologize for your erratic typing. But you also let it be known that you need to pass a typing course to get your GED. So things will get better.
Your all-time favorite romantic chat room pick-up line is: "Hey baby, would you like to give a little jingle to my sack?"
You seem to be having a nice chat with a nice young lady when you type, "Dammit, I just spilled Pepsi on my new fatigues. My wife is going to kill me when she sees this mess. So anyway, tell me a little more about yourself, baby."
You type that you need to take a break for a few minutes because your post-nasal drip is really acting up and it's going to take a few minutes to get some tissue from the bathroom with the walker and all.
Sure sign this column is over
There are no more words.
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