Who's your buddy? Who's your pal?
09/26/2003
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From: David Guei
To: Lane Strauss
Subject: URGENT AND CONDFIDENTIAL ASSISTANCE
FROM DAVID GUEI
TEL: +31-630-830-143
EMAIL: dguei55@netscape.net
URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL ASSISTANCE.
My name is David the Son of late General Robert Guei, the Ex-Military head of State of Ivory Coast, who was murdered along with the Interior Minister on the 19th of September 2002 (You can visit http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/2269238.stm for complete report on this incident).
I contacted you because of my need to deal with persons whom my family and I have had no previous personal relationships. Since the murder of my father, I have been subjected to all sorts of harassment and intimidation with lots of negative reports emanating from the Government and the press about my family.
The present Government has also ensured that our bank accounts are frozen and all assets seized. It is in view of this that I seek your co-operation and assistance in the transfer of the sum of Twenty Seven Million United States Dollars (US$27,000,000.00). Being the very last of my family fund in my possession and control, after the murder of my father the Federal Government seized all our properties and our accounts both local and international were frozen.
My only hope now is this cash that my father carefully packaged and deposited as artifacts with a Security/Finance Company in the Netherlands. The said sum can easily be with drawn or paid to a recommended beneficiary.
The security company based on my instructions will release the fund to you and you will be presented as my partner who will be fronting for me in area of viable and profitable business.
To show my preparedness and appreciation to carry-out this business with you, 25% of the total sum will be your share and 20% commission of the proceeds realized from the investment of this fund will also be yours, also 5% is to be set aside for any eventual cost that might arise as the transaction proceeds. I need your full support and co-operation for the success of this transaction.
I plead with you to treat this issue confidential and urgent because it is delicate and it demands a great degree of secrecy. I am presently in the Netherlands seeking Asylum. I would want you to reach me through my telephone number or email address above if you are interested to assist me. I sincerely will appreciate your response.
I wait to hear from you.
Regards,
David Guei.
From: Strauss Lane
To: David Guei
Subject: RE: URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL ASSISTANCE.
Mr. Guei:
Just wondering: is your name pronounced Gway, Gee-you-ee-eye, or Jew?
At any rate, I'm so glad to have heard from you. I've been closely following the tragic story of the murder of your father, and I've often wondered what happened to you and how you're dealing with the situation. My father is still alive, but on more than one occasion, I've heard my mother say to him, "I'm going to kill you, you son of a bitch." So in many respects, I feel fortunate that he is still among the living. At least for now.
Mr. Guei, it is amazingly fortunate that you've chosen to contact me. I am known throughout the circles of my life as a very confidential and trustworthy person. I once had someone tell me he had seen his sister having "relations" with the mailman, and I promised not to tell anyone as long as he provided me with provocative photos of his grandmother.
I have many other stories like this. But the point I'd like to make to you is that I can be trusted with your delicate situation.
I am sorry to hear about how the Government has frozen your bank accounts and seized all of your assets. That must really be stinky, especially when you need milk or cigarettes or something and you don't even have a goddamn penny in your pocket.
I must admit, when I first read that you were hoping to transfer twenty-seven million dollars to a "business partner" such as myself, I was a bit suspicious. But once I read that you would be willing to offer me a portion of the money as appreciation for my assisting you, well, then it made much more sense to me. It reminds me of the one time I drove some friends to the bank and they told me to "wait in the car and keep it running." And when they came sprinting out of the bank and said, "Go, go, go, go, go!" and I did. They gave me several thousand dollars just for driving them home quickly. They were nice gentlemen.
At any rate, I just want you to know that anything I can do to help you make this a successful transaction, you have my complete and total support. I see from your e-mail that you are presently in the Netherlands. It is my understanding there are many attractive, loose women in the Netherlands. Is this true? If so, you are one lucky man, sir. Despite the murder of your father and the freezing of your family assets.
I'm not certain what to do at this point other than wait for instructions from you. And once again, rest assured, not a word of this will be spoken to anyone. In fact, you should know someone came into my office moments ago and asked what I was doing. I said, "If you think I'm responding to an e-mail from David Guei from the Ivory Coast whose father was murdered and who's hoping I will help him transfer $27,000,000, well, you're wrong."
I look forward to hearing back from you.
Lane Strauss
From: Strauss Lane
To: David Guei
Subject: RE: URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL ASSISTANCE.
Mr. Guei:
It has now been two days and I've yet to hear back from you. I sincerely hope you are safe and all is well.
But the fact that you sent me such an urgent message and have yet to respond to my response now has me wondering if perhaps the dark forces of evil have infiltrated your life. As an interesting aside, I also refer to my wife as "the dark force of evil." But I don't think your dark force is the same as my dark force. If it is, well, then I have far more sympathy for you than you'll ever know.)
At any rate, based upon your agonizing plea for help and my prompt response, I have been under the assumption that we will be working together to complete this transaction. I sincerely hope to hear from you soon, as I have begun to explore many ways to invest my proposed 25% share of your Twenty Seven Million United States Dollars, which I have roughly calculated to be Six Million, Seven Hundred and Fifty Thousand United States Dollars. Which roughly calculates to be Six Million, Seven Hundred Forty Nine Thousand United State Dollars and Twenty-Three United States Cents more than what I had prior to your e-mail.
You should also know that when I refer to "investing," it's not so much "investing" as it is "buying."
Over the past two days, Mr. David Guei, I have purchased a plot of land for a new home, several sport utility vehicles, a one-man rocketship and an abundance of Swiss cheese. I must admit, the sales representative at the automotive dealership was a bit taken back when I asked him the cost of purchasing seven cars, but when I told him I would be coming into a great deal of money in the not-too-distant future, and did the name David Guei mean anything to him, well, he certainly changed his tune.
Do you drive? What kind of car do you have?
At any rate, I'm now a bit concerned both for your well-being and my financial situation. And if my financial situation isn't corrected fairly quickly, I will also be concerned for my well-being as well.
Do they make brass knuckles in your country?
Mr. David Guei, once again, I want you to know that I am VERY ANXIOUS to help you. And I believe I am the right person for the job of assisting you with the sensitive handling of your Twenty Seven Million United States Dollars.
Well, seventy-five percent of your Twenty Seven Million United States Dollar. Remember, a deal's a deal.
Please respond to my message ASAP, so we can continue discussions as to the next steps in completing this arrangement.
Again, I hope all is well with you. And if by some chance you've been captured by terrorists and they're reading this e-mail instead of you, I don't know anything about Twenty Seven Million United States Dollars.
Sincerely,
Lane Strauss
From: David Guei
To: Lane Strauss
Subject: RE: URGENT AND CONDFIDENTIAL ASSISTANCE
Dear Strauss,
I am safe, it's just that I do not have much time in checking my mails due to the conditions in the camp, hence I will prefer telephone conversation to e-mail.
I must thank God for providing you as my partner and I pray He guides us till the conclusion of this business.
I believe with your vast experience in business it is only wise for us to put all the needful together and invest in possible business opportunities where you are located.
The Security Company do not and should not know the real content of the king-size boxes since my Father declared the content as artifacts all as important personal valuables, as they will refuse to carry cash across any border. These measures are necessary due to the high secrecy of this
transaction according to what my Father told me before his death.
I wish to assure you that all aspects of this transaction have been given proper consideration and you do not need to worry. All that is required of you is to come to Holland and claim the fund as beneficiary after being given the original documents covering this transaction and then front for me in areas of profitable business.
I would need your full particulars including your fax/telephone numbers to enable me send to you the documents binding the authenticity of the transaction for your perusal and as well discuss with you properly and to know whom you are better.
I would want you to keep this to yourself please and do not reveal it to anybody because I am still in the Asylum process here in the Netherlands and I do not want anything to jeopardize my Father's effort for me.
I hope to hear from you when you get this message as I will want us to have a complete sense of fruitful investment possibilities.
Thank you and May God bless you.
David Guei.
From: Strauss Lane
To: David Guei
Subject: RE: URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL ASSISTANCE.
Dear David:
Thank God you're okay! I've spent the better part of the past day praying for your safety.
Well, other than the three hours I watched the Bills game. And let's see, then I cut the grass. And I had to run a few other errands. But there's was a lot of other time during the day I prayed for you.
Unfortunately David, I cannot give you my phone number at this time because I have reason to believe my phone has been tapped.
You see, I was recently involved in another covert transaction involving the Colombian Drug Cartel, the Russian Mafia and a bald man with a lisp named Curtis.
While the operation proceeded smoothly, I've begun to notice signs that perhaps there are government authorities keeping an eye on me. For example, my wife suddenly has a moustache.
At any rate, I'm very sorry that we cannot have telephone contact at this time. I trust this will in no way damage our developing partnership. I definitely feel a connection between us. I'm a Pisces. You?
As far as traveling to Holland, I'll be happy to make plans accordingly. Do you have any particular hotels you'd recommend? I need a place with wheelchair access and a large fountain in the middle of the lobby. Please don't ask.
I look forward to hearing back from you shortly. And please be safe.
Lane Strauss
p.s. Is it okay if I call you Dave now, buddy?
From: Strauss Lane
To: David Guei
Subject: RE: URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL ASSISTANCE.
David:
It has now been several days again since we last spoke, and due to my current situation, I'm afraid I will no longer be able to pursue our arrangement. Nor will I be able to continue communications with you.
This is sad for me and I can only assume, sad for you as well, because I think I have been a good friend.
Not as sad as your father being killed, but still, pretty sad.
Like you, David, I now find myself in hiding. And while you're in the Netherlands, I'm in a place that can best be described as slightly less affluent than the Netherlands.
Are there trailer parks in your country, David?
With deep regret, I must inform you that my wife has discovered that I also have a bitch ho named Trudy on the side. I have reason to believe my wife is experiencing feeling of severe anger and hatred toward both myself and my vital organs.
Additionally, I accidentally drove over my next-door neighbor's stupid little dog last Thursday when I arrived home in a bit of a drunken stupor. You must believe me when I tell you I thought it was nothing more than a pile of leaves.
Not surprisingly, my neighbor also has feelings of grave anger toward my being.
At this point, I think it best I maintain an extremely low profile, and I'm not certain that fronting a multi-million dollar business makes sense at this point in time.
David, I am so sorry to let you down like this. I sincerely hope you will find someone else equally as interested in helping you accomplish your goals. If you're still alive.
If you're dead and the person who killed you is reading this, this e-mail has been sent by mistake. Also, you are very handsome, killer of David Guei.
Sincerely,
Not Lane Strauss
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