The Overnight Stay

The Overnight Stay

Strauss Home / Humor Channel / Bullz-Eye Home

An original screenplay written by Lane Strauss.
Based on a true story.

Cast of characters:

Playing the role of Lane Strauss: Lane Strauss
Playing the role of Pain in the Ass: Wife
Playing the role of Junior Male Pain in the Ass: Son
Playing the role of Junior Female Pain in the Ass: Daughter
Playing the role of Junior Female Pain in the Ass That Never Stops Eating: Niece
Playing the role of Crying Baby: The Crying Baby
Playing the role of Man in Tank Top: Brother-in-Law
Playing the role of Intoxicated Spouse of Man in Tank Top: Sister-in-Law


ACT 1, SCENE 1

WE OPEN ON THE STRAUSS DRIVEWAY. THE FAMILY IS PREPARING TO LEAVE FOR A FUN FAMILY OVERNIGHT TRIP TO A HOTEL.

LANE STRAUSS:

Well, is everybody excited for this fun family overnight trip to a hotel?

JUNIOR MALE PAIN IN THE ASS:

Dad, you said we could get a souvenir, right? How much can we spend on our souvenir?

LANE STRAUSS:

Son, this isn't about getting a toy or some sort of prize. It's about having a fun family overnight trip to a hotel.

JUNIOR MALE PAIN IN THE ASS:

I'm sorry, dad. You're right.

LANE STRAUSS

Thank you for listening and for being respectful.

JUNIOR MALE PAIN IN THE ASS

Dad, could I get two souvenirs?

PAIN IN THE ASS

Let's go. We're late. I told my brother we'd be at his house by eleven. We're not going to be there until quarter after.

LANE STRAUSS

Honey, I was ready to go half an hour ago. And so were the kids. We've been waiting for you.

PAIN IN THE ASS

You're so damn perfect, aren't you? I'm sorry I had to pack the luggage and get the kids ready and straighten the house and maybe if you offered to help every once in a while I wouldn't have to do everything around here every goddamn second. Christ. All you do is go to work. I do everything else around here. Everything.

LANE STRAUSS

I asked you if you wanted any help and you said no.

PAIN IN THE ASS

Shut up. And I'm driving. You drive like crap.


ACT 1, SCENE 2

WE CUT TO THE STRAUSS FAMILY ON THE ROAD. THE DRIVER IS SWITCHING LANES WITHOUT TURN SIGNALS, SPEEDING AND STEPPING ON THE BRAKES FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

LANE STRAUSS

Hey, um, honey, you really need to be careful about the way you're driving.

PAIN IN THE ASS

Listen, I'm talking to Michelle on my cell. I'm trying to help a friend with a big problem, okay? Jesus Christ, you're so goddamn rude.

PAIN IN THE ASS CONTINUES TALKING ON THE CELL PHONE

PAIN IN THE ASS

So wait. You don't think the window treatments will match the countertop? Oy.

JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS

Dad, I have to go pee. Bad.

THE CAR CONTINUES TO RANDOMLY CAREEN DOWN THE HIGHWAY.


ACT 1, SCENE 3

THE STRAUSS FAMILY EXITS THE HIGHWAY. THE RELATIVES ARE RIGHT BEHIND THEM IN THEIR CAR. THEY BEGIN TO LOOK FOR THEIR HOTEL.

PAIN IN THE ASS

Where the hell is this place?

LANE STRAUSS

According to the map, the Holiday Inn Express is right on this road.

PAIN IN THE ASS

Dammit. Why do I have to figure everything out in this family?

LANE STRAUSS

Hey, there's a Holiday Inn right there. Why don't we stop and ask them? They would have to know where the Holiday Inn Express is, no?

PAIN IN THE ASS

I'm not stopping. Let me see those goddamn directions.


ACT 1, SCENE 4

THE STRAUSS FAMILY IS PULLED OFF ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. THE RELATIVE'S CAR IS PULLED OFF BEHIND THEM. THE DRIVER IS MAKING A PHONE CALL.

PAIN IN THE ASS

Ye, I'm on the street the hotel is supposed to be on. And I don't see the hotel anywhere. Would you mind telling me what's going on? This is very annoying.

SILENCE.

PAIN IN THE ASS

Uh huh. Uh huh. Well, they should've made that a lot clearer, if you ask me.

SHE HANGS UP.

LANE STRAUSS

What'd they say?

PAIN IN THE ASS

The stupid hotel is right behind the Holiday Inn.

LANE STRAUSS

The Holiday Inn back there where I said we should stop?

PAIN IN THE ASS

I don't know why you didn't tell me to stop when we drove by the Holiday Inn.

LANE STRAUSS

What?

PAIN IN THE ASS

Shut up. I've got to call Michelle again.

JUNIOR MALE PAIN IN THE ASS

Dad, how much longer until we get our souvenirs?


ACT 2, SCENE 1

AFTER CHECKING INTO THE HOTEL, BOTH FAMILIES DRIVE ACROSS THE STREET TO A GROCERY STORE TO BUY SOME GROCERIES FOR THE EVENING. LANE STRAUSS AND THE INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP ENTER THE STORE. 

LANE STRAUSS

I'm going to get some fruit for the kids.

INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP

Where do you think the beer is?

LANE STRAUSS

I see it down at the end of this aisle. I'm going to the fruit section, okay?

LANE STRAUSS LOOKS AROUND. THE INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP IS NO LONGER STANDING BEHIND HIM. LANE STRAUSS TAKES ONE STEP TOWARDS THE FRUIT AISLE WHEN HE HEARS THE VOICE OF THE INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP.

INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP

Do you think this is enough beer?

THE INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP IS HOLDING TWO CASES OF BEER.

LANE STRAUSS

Two cases for one night?

INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP

You're right. We need more.

THE INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP DISAPPEARS AGAIN.


ACT 3, SCENE 1

BOTH FAMILIES ARRIVE AT THE POOL FOR AN AFTERNOON OF SWIMMING, RELAXATION AND FAMILY FUN.

PAIN IN THE ASS

I hope you're planning on going in the pool with the kids. I take care of them all week long while you're sitting at work doing nothing. Today I'm lying in the sun. You watch them.

LANE STRAUSS

Sure honey. Whatever you say.

PAIN IN THE ASS

Move. You're blocking my sun.

JUNIOR PAIN IN THE ASS THAT NEVER STOPS EATING

Uncle Lane, can I have some food?

LANE STRAUSS

But honey, didn't you just eat lunch, like, five minutes ago?

THE JUNIOR PAIN IN THE ASS THAT NEVER STOPS EATING STARTS CRYING

JUNIOR PAIN IN THE ASS THAT NEVER STOPS EATING

Mommy, Daddy. Uncle Lane is being mean to me!

LANE STRAUSS

Fine. Have a Ho Ho.

JUNIOR PAIN IN THE ASS THAT NEVER STOPS EATING

I want two.

INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP.

Who needs a beer?

THE MAN IN TANK TOP

I need one.

THE INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF THE MAN IN TANK TOP SPEAKS TO THE MAN IN TANK TOP.

INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP

You're dumb and stupid, you drunk. I can't believe I married you. You're a worthless and pathetic piece of scum. You make me sick. You're a total loser and a complete moron. Bricks have more brains than you do. You're nothing but a sad loser of a momma's boy. Go cry to your mommy, why don't you? You big stupid dumb baby losing loser.

THE MAN IN TANK TOP

Make that two beers.

PAIN IN THE ASS

Where's my suntan oil?

JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS

Dad, will you play with me in the pool?

JUNIOR MALE PAIN IN THE ASS

Dad, will you play with me in the pool?

LANE STRAUSS

One second, guys. I'm just finishing my sandwich.

JUNIOR PAIN IN THE ASS THAT NEVER STOPS EATING

Hey, I want a sandwich.

JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS

Dad, you said you'd play with me in the pool!

JUNIOR MALE PAIN IN THE ASS

Dad, you said you'd play with me in the pool!

LANE STRAUSS

I'm coming, I'm coming.

PAIN IN THE ASS

Tell them to be quiet. I can't focus on the sun.

JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS

Dad.

LANE STRAUSS

I said I'll be right there.

JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS

Dad, I've gotta go pee. Bad.

THE CRYING BABY STARTS CRYING. THE INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP SPEAKS TO THE MAN IN THE TANK TOP.

INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP

Could you please take care of your child for once in your life?

MAN IN TANK TOP

She's got a cold and she's miserable. She needs some medicine. I'm going to drive over the drugstore across the street and get her something to help.

INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP

You're not driving anywhere. You're drunk.

MAN IN TANK TOP

Well, that's the pot calling the kettle black.

INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP

What did you say?

MAN IN TANK TOP

I said, you're right. I shouldn't be driving. She does need some medicine, though.

INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP

She'll be fine. Just relax, will you please? You're so damn nervous.

THE MAN IN TANK TOP

Whatever.

SUDDENLY, THE INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP SCREAMS.

INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP

Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!

MAN IN TANK TOP

What's wrong? What's wrong? Did something happen to the baby?

INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP

We need more ice! The beer is getting warm!

ACT 3, SCENE 2

THE MAN IN TANK TOP IS IN THE POOL WITH LANE STRAUSS AND JUNIOR MALE PAIN IN THE ASS. THE THREE ARE PLAYING CATCH WITH A SMALL BALL SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED FOR THE SWIMMING POOL BECAUSE IT SOAKS UP WATER. LANE STRAUSS THROWS THE BALL TO THE JUNIOR PAIN IN THE ASS.

LANE STRAUSS

Nice catch.

JUNIOR PAIN IN THE ASS

Thanks. Back to you, Dad.

THE JUNIOR PAIN IN THE ASS NOTICES THE MAN IN TANK TOP ISN'T PAYING ATTENTION AND DECIDES TO THROW THE HEAVY WET BALL AT HIS HEAD.

THE MAN IN TANK TOP

Hey, that hurt.

THE MAN IN TANK TOP REACHES OVER, LIFTS THE JUNIOR MALE PAIN IN THE ASS IN THE AIR AND THROWS HIM INTO THE WATER. EVENTUALLY, HE SURFACES WITH FEAR ON HIS FACE.

JUNIOR MALE PAIN IN THE ASS

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

EVERYONE AT THE POOL TURNS THEIR HEAD TO THE JUNIOR MALE PAIN IN THE ASS.

INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP SIPS BEER AND SPEAKS.

Look what did you do now, you stupid asshole. You made the kid cry. You are such an asshole, you asshole.

MAN IN TANK TOP

I didn't mean to scare him.

INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP

God, you stress me out.

INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF THE MAN IN TANK TOP SIPS BEER AND SHAKES HER HEAD.

PAIN IN THE ASS

I'm stressed, too. There are too many clouds.

LANE STRAUSS ATTEMPTS TO CONSOLE JUNIOR MALE PAIN IN THE ASS.

LANE STRAUSS

It's going to be all right, son. You just got scared.

JUNIOR MALE PAIN IN THE ASS

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

LANE STRAUSS

Really. It's going to be okay.

JUNIOR MALE PAIN IN THE ASS

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

LANE STRAUSS

Maybe we can get your souvenir tonight.

JUNIOR MALE PAIN IN THE ASS

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Really?

JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS.

Dad, I've gotta go pee. Bad.

JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS THAT NEVER STOPS EATING

I'm hungry.


ACT 4, SCENE 1

BOTH FAMILIES ARE SITTING AT DINNER AT THE HOLIDAY INN NEXT DOOR. THE WAITRESS IS TAKING ORDERS.

PAIN IN THE ASS

What's your special?

WAITRESS

Broiled fish.

PAIN IN THE ASS

Is it good?

LANE STRAUSS

Like she's going to tell you it's bad. And who would order the special at a restaurant inside a Holiday Inn?

THE PAIN IN THE ASS IGNORES LANE STRAUSS. 

PAIN IN THE ASS

Is it good?

WAITRESS

It's excellent.

PAIN IN THE ASS

I'll have the special.

LANE STRAUSS

Who would order the special at a restaurant inside a Holiday Inn?

WAITRESS

And for you, ma'am?

INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF MAN IN TANK TOP.

What kind of beer do you have?

JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS

Dad?

LANE STRAUSS

I know, I know. You've gotta go pee. Bad.

JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS

It's the other one, Dad.

LANE STRAUSS

You have to go poop?

JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS

I did have to go poop.

LANE STRAUSS

No.

JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS

Yes.

LANE STRAUSS

No.

JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS

Yes.

PAIN IN THE ASS

This fish is disgusting.

JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS THAT NEVER STOPS EATING

I'll eat it.


ACT 4, SCENE 2

LANE STRAUSS AND JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS ARE IN THE MEN'S ROOM.

LANE STRAUSS

Well, I guess we're going to have to throw this pair of underwear away.

JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS

Daddy, do you love me?

LANE STRAUSS

Of course I do, honey.

JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS

No matter what?

LANE STRAUSS

No matter what.

JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS

Really?

LANE STRAUSS

Really.

JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS

Daddy, a piece of poopy from my pants in sitting on your new white sneakers.

LANE STRAUSS

Next time you need to go poop, tell your mom.

JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS

I did. But she told me to tell my good-for-nothing lazy old man to take care of it.


ACT 5, SCENE 1

IT'S 10 PM. BOTH FAMILIES ARE IN THEIR RESPECTIVE ADJOINING HOTEL ROOMS. THE STRAUSS CHILDREN ARE SLEEPING. IN THE ROOM NEXT DOOR, THE MAN IN THE TANK TOP, THE INTOXICATED SPOUSE OF THE MAN IN TANK TOP AND THE JUNIOR FEMALE PAIN IN THE ASS WHO NEVER STOPS EATING ARE ALL SLEEPING. 

LANE STRAUSS, THE PAIN IN THE ASS AND THE CRYING BABY ARE NOT SLEEPING.

CRYING BABY:

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

LANE STRAUSS

Do you think she'll stop?

CRYING BABY:

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.


PAIN IN THE ASS

This is your fault.

LANE STRAUSS

How?

CRYING BABY:

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

PAIN IN THE ASS

I don't know, but it is. And I'm sunburned. Don't talk to me.

CRYING BABY:
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

LANE STRAUSS

This has been a nice trip. Isn't it good to get away?

PAIN IN THE ASS

What do you mean, "get away?" I'm with these kids every goddamn day of my life. This isn't a "get away" for me. I need to go to the Bahamas to "get away."

CRYING BABY

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

PAIN IN THE ASS

I can't sleep with that crying.

LANE STRAUSS

I can. Goodnight.

PAIN IN THE ASS

Listen, if I'm not sleeping, you're not sleeping.

LANE STRAUSS

Does this mean what I think it means?

PAIN IN THE ASS

Yes it does. Hand me the remote.

LANE STRAUSS HANDS OVER THE REMOTE.

PAIN IN THE ASS

And don't talk to me.

LANE STRAUSS

I won't.

PAIN IN THE ASS

You just did.

LANE STRAUSS

Sorry.

PAIN IN THE ASS

You just did again.

THE ROOM IS SILENT AS LANE ROLLS OVER TO GO TO SLEEP

PAIN IN THE ASS

I can't believe you'd go to sleep and not even say goodnight to me.

LANE REACHES UNDER THE BED, PULLS OUT A GUN AND SHOOTS HIMSELF IN THE HEAD. ELEVEN TIMES.

PAIN IN THE ASS

Oh, this is great. Now who's going to put lotion on my back tomorrow?

The End 



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