See you in court!
02/28/2003
Strauss Home / Humor Channel / Bullz-Eye Home
*A man asked a woman to dance. While doing a spin, the woman fell and broke her finger. She sued her dance partner, and a jury awarded her $220,000.
*A woman in Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running around inside a furniture store. The child was her son.
*A 19-year-old Los Angeles man received $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. The man apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps from the Accord.
*A woman in Delaware was awarded $12,000 after suing the owner of a night club where she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while the woman was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge.
*A man in Pennsylvania robbed a house. As he was trying to leave through the garage he wasn't able to open the garage door because the automatic opener wasn't working. Also, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. The man found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He lived on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food. He later sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury awarded him $500,000.
Jesus Christ. And I'm working?
LANE A. STRAUSS,
Plaintiff
vs.
City Of Las Vegas, Nevada,
Defendant
This action arises under:
The Constitution of the United States of America, specifically the Amendment that has that whole stealing from other people thing, whatever that Amendment number is. This suit is in reference to an event which occurred on the evening of July 21, 2002 as said defendant was sitting at a blackjack table in the Paris Hotel in the aforementioned defendant's city with a pair of Kings, and the dealer, holding a nine of spades and a 4 of clubs, proceeded to deal himself an ace of diamonds, an ace of spades, and a six of hearts upon which the plaintiff stated, "You suck." Plaintiff's 25-dollar wager was then removed from the location in front of his cards, thereby denying the plaintiff the opportunity to purchase a souvenir for his lonely children awaiting his return. As such, plaintiff is seeking $300,000 in damages due to the emotional distress caused as he walked into his house and said to his children, "Sorry guys. Daddy blew a boatload of cash. But I did get you some umbrella straws. And yes, that's what a martini smells like."
LANE A. STRAUSS,
Plaintiff
vs.
Girl at the Mall in the Tight Sweater,
Defendant
This action arises under:
The Constitution of the United States of America, specifically the Amendment about the right to bear arms. And also, practically bare your boobs. The Plaintiff is suing on the grounds that last Thursday while walking through a mall with his wife, the plaintiff was distracted by the defendant wearing the overly-tight black sweater which was clearly intended to force the plaintiff to direct his line of sight toward the said defendant's chestal region, thereby resulting in a severe and painful blow to the groinal region of said plaintiff delivered by said plaintiff's spouse. As such, the plaintiff is seeking $1.5 million in compensatory damages. The plaintiff is also seeking an additional $14.95 for a dozen roses for his wife. Not that it'll do any good.
LANE A. STRAUSS,
Plaintiff
vs.
Next Door Neighbor (Not the nice one on the right. The other one),
Defendant
This action arises under:
The Constitution of the United States of America, specifically the Amendment about loving thy neighbor, or something like that. The plaintiff is suing based upon the fact that the defendant continues to park his red Ford Escort in the driveway, which, in conjunction with the plaintiff's green grass, showcases a combination of colors clearly representative of the holiday of Christmas, which the plaintiff does not celebrate given his Judaic beliefs. Plaintiff believes this is an effort on the part of the defendant to reinforce to the plaintiff his minority viewpoints that the plaintiff views as offensive. Additionally, due to the defendant's continued efforts, the plaintiff contemplates letting his grass burnout to lose the green coloring and therefore ignore the defendant's racist efforts, which would then subject the defendant to the ridicule and ostracization from other neighbors for having "a crappy-looking lawn." As such, the plaintiff is seeking a judgment to force the defendant to either: a.) replace his car, b.) paint his car, or c.), cut the plaintiff's grass for seven (7) years and pay the plaintiff $500,000. Plaintiff states option c) is preferred.
LANE A. STRAUSS,
Plaintiff
vs.
Ab Machine Manufacturer,
Defendant
This action arises under:
The Constitution of the United States of America, specifically the Amendment making reference to limited viewing of infomercials. Plaintiff is suing defendant on the grounds that the defendant's commercial for said ab machine stated, "You can be on your way to great abs in just 20 minutes!" By purchasing the ab machine from said defendant, the plaintiff thereby assumed the role of "you" in "You can be on your way to great abs in just 20 minutes!" Plaintiff states, however, that after 20 minutes of use of said ab machine, the plaintiff viewed his stomach in the bathroom mirror, saw no discernable difference and was quoted as saying, "Jesus Christ, I'm still a fat cow!" In summary, the plaintiff saw nothing in the bathroom mirror to qualify as being "great." As further evidence, the plaintiff's wife stepped into the bathroom, looked at the plaintiff viewing his abdominal region and laughed. As such, the plaintiff is seeking $2.1 million in damages, claiming deceptive advertising practices on the part of the defendant. Additionally, the plaintiff is asking the court to change the confusing advertisement to more clearly state, "By 20 minutes, we don't mean great abs in exactly 20 minutes." Plaintiff believes this would help anyone who might be confused. Like him.
LANE A. STRAUSS,
Plaintiff
vs.
Parents of Plaintiff,
Co-Defendants
This action arises under:
The Constitution of the United States of America, specifically the Amendment which covers that whole "honor thy parents unless they're not very bright" rule. The plaintiff has instituted this lawsuit on the basis of the claim that at the age of four, the defendants never forced him to play golf, "like Tiger's parents did." As such, the plaintiff states he has never been able to fully develop his God-given ability to hit a two iron, which has not only damaged his efforts to seek a career on the professional golfing circuit, it has also prevented him from hooking up with Tiger's girlfriend's sister. As such, the plaintiff is seeking in excess of $12.4 million from the defendants on the grounds that their blatant disregard for his future earning potential have caused him irreparable emotional and physical harm and have forced him to participate in the "working world," a place the plaintiff claims is "no place for someone who could potentially hit a two iron like I could. If those bastards parents of mine hadn't ruined it for me!"
LANE A. STRAUSS,
Plaintiff
vs.
MTV,
Defendant
This action arises under:
The Constitution of the United States of America, specifically the Amendment which makes reference to Styxx. The plaintiff has filed a $20 million theft lawsuit against the defendant on the basis that, on the afternoon of January 11, 1977, the plaintiff, while seated at his friend Stuart's house, casually stated, "Y'know, how cool would it be if there was a TV station with nothing but music videos. Y'know?" The plaintiff states that the previously mentioned friend Stuart replied, "That would be a cool idea you had there, Lane. I suppose the next thing you're going to tell me, Lane, is that you have an idea about a TV station with nothing but cartoons."
LANE A. STRAUSS,
Plaintiff
vs.
Cartoon Network,
Defendant
This action arises under:
The Constitution of the United States of America, specifically the Shaggy Amendment. The Plaintiff has filed an $80 million theft lawsuit. (See above.)
LANE A. STRAUSS,
Plaintiff
vs.
The Fat Weathergirl on TV,
Defendant
This action arises under:
The Constitution of the United States of America, specifically the Amendment talking about freedom of expression unless you're a lying sack of crap. The plaintiff has filed suit on the grounds that the defendant stated on television last Wednesday, "There is a 10% chance of snow today." Following the assumption that the aforementioned statement implied a professional knowledge of future weather conditions, the plaintiff left his home only to discover as the day went on, in excess of eight (8) inches of snow fell. The plaintiff claims that due to the false representation on the part of the defendant, the plaintiff was not prepared physically nor emotionally for such a drastic disparity between the theoretical conditions as stated by the defendant versus the actual conditions as experienced by the plaintiff. Also, he forgot his gloves. As such, the plaintiff is seeking $12 million in punitive damages from the defendant. Additionally, due to the emotionally traumatic experience, the plaintiff has asked the court for the defendant to pay for two weeks of timeshare in Boca.
LANE A. STRAUSS,
Plaintiff
vs.
The Wife of Lane A. Strauss,
Defendant
This case has been dismissed because the defendant said so.
LANE A. STRAUSS,
Plaintiff
vs.
The People Who Make Street Signs,
Defendant
This action arises under:
The Constitution of the United States of America, specifically the Third Amendment, which is the right to print things on metal. The plaintiff is suing the defendant to cease and desist in their constant and on-going efforts to mass produce the sign which reads "Fire Lane Only." While the plaintiff admits that the original intent of the sign was to warn the general public that fire vehicles could potentially occupy a particular space on the road, the plaintiff states that use of the word "Lane" in reference to a portion of the street, preceded by the word "Fire" and followed by the word "Only" is sending an unwarranted message to the present employer of said plaintiff that said plaintiff should be removed from his current position with his company. Additionally, the plaintiff claims that the defendant's use of the sign is discriminatory in nature, as the message appears to solely and exclusively suggests the plaintiff should be removed from his duties. (The plaintiff freely admits that if the defendant created signs which stated, "Fire Brent Only" or "Fire Howard Only," the plaintiff would have no claim in regard to this portion of his case. But they don't. So he does.) As such, the plaintiff is seeking judgment in excess of $15,000,000 dollars on the basis of his projected income amortized over the life of a printed metal sign.
LANE A. STRAUSS,
Plaintiff
vs.
The Parents of Britney Spears,
Co-defendants
This action arises under:
The Constitution of the United States of America, specifically the Amendment about not coveting thy neighbor's 21-year-old kids. Some restrictions may apply. The plaintiff has filed suit against the co-defendants on the grounds they have caused the plaintiff irrefutable and undeniable emotional damage due to the fact that their promiscuous activity resulted in the birth of a daughter who now consumes the plaintiff to a point beyond what one would constitute as "normal." The plaintiff alleges that the co-defendant's thoughtless copulation was insensitive to his psychological well-being and has resulted in an obsession with the product of their action whom, as the plaintiff states, "is at the very heart of my existence. She is my soul mate. My passion. My best friend. Why doesn't she ever answer my letters?" Let the record state that while the plaintiff has never actually met the aforementioned birthchild of the co-defendants, he is just, as the plaintiff states, "wacky for her." As such, the plaintiff is seeking damages in excess of $50,000,000 from the co-defendants to cover his emotional stress, his psychological counseling, and his $24.95 yearly membership dues in the Britney Spears Fan Club. Also a freaking autographed picture would be nice, too.
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