Football: a woman's game?
So I see that the National Security Advisor of the United States, Condeleeza Rice, says that one day, she'd like to be the commissioner of the National Football League.
First of all, I'm thrilled to see that she's thinking about her next job while she's hard at work as the National Security Advisor of the United States.
While I don't know much about government and politics, I'm assuming that the job of National Security Advisor of the United States means you're kind of the advisor in charge of the security of the nation.
Am I wrong? Isn't that kind of, y'know, a sort of important job?
Wouldn't that be a job that you should kind of, y'know, concentrate on?
Given the state of the world, I would think that the National Security Advisor of the United States would be, oh, I don't know, extremely focused on advising the nation about issues relating to security. And then have the balls to do whatever it takes to keep us safe.
I've seen Condeleeza Rice. And while she seems like a tough and very smart woman, when it comes to balls, she ain't RuPaul.
Maybe it's me, but I just don't think the National Security Advisor of the United States is a job for a woman.
I think the National Shoe Advisor of the United States could be a job for a woman.
I think the National Nail Polish Advisor of the United States could be a job for a woman.
I think the National Bon Bon And Sit On My Fat Ass On The Couch Advisor of the United States could be a job for a woman.
But the National Security Advisor of the United States? I don't think that's a job for a woman.
Especially not a woman who's already politicking for her next job.
And while I realize she's expressed a desire to be the next commissioner of the NFL, has anyone told her that NFL doesn't stand for Nordstroms, Filenes and Lerners?
A PEEK INSIDE THE OFFICE OF THE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR:
AIDE: Miss Rice, we've got some serious issues to discuss today.
MISS RICE: I'm ready.
AIDE: We have to put some pressure on the INS for stricter security measures.
MISS RICE: I couldn't agree with you more.
AIDE: Also, the President wants to talk to you about the ground troops in Afghanistan.
MISS RICE: No problem.
AIDE: And don't forget your speech today in front of the United Nations.
MISS RICE: Got it. Anything else?
AIDE: Well, there's the European Economic Summit....
MISS RICE: Hey, hey, hey...will you look at this.
AIDE: What is it, ma'am?
MISS RICE: Fifty off at the Gap today!
AIDE: Excuse me?
MISS RICE: Call the President and tell him I had an emergency!
Actually, the more I think about it, the more I'd rather have Condeleeza Rice as the commissioner of the National Football League than as the National Security Advisor of the United States.
I mean, there's a lot she can mess up when it comes to this country. But there's only so much a woman can do to screw up the NFL, right?
The league has established rules and set regulations. We all know how the game is played. It's almost as much of an institution as our government.
If she was the commissioner, Condeleeza Rice couldn't screw up the NFL. No woman could screw up the NFL.
AN OUTLINE OF MY THOUGHTS AND BRIEF OVERVIEW OF MY OBJECTIVES AS THE FIRST FEMALE COMMISSIONER OF THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE
by Condeleeza Rice
To Whom It May Concern:
While the National Football League provides fans with a tremendous product on the field, I feel there are fundamental changes to the game which I believe will help to precipitate future growth for the league, increase our fan base and assist in making the NFL a true global entity.
Being the first female commissioner of the NFL would clearly pose some unique challenges. For example, when I would call players into my office to discuss fines and penalties, there would be tremendous temptation on my part to have sex with many of these strong, strapping world-class athletes. Rest assured, however, I would maintain professionalism and dignity at all times and something like that would never happen.
Unless it was Donovan McNabb. I love Donovan McNabb.
Nevertheless, in spite of those types of temptations, I feel that my unique perspective as the first NFL commissioner with breasts would lead to changes in the game never considered by the men who have preceded me.
Bert Bell. Pete Rozelle. Paul Tagliabue. Three outstanding leaders. Zero vaginas.
And while some may argue that the game of football is in no need of a woman's touch, I'm here to say that I don't see this as a male/female issue. Truth be told, I would never do anything to take away from the integrity of the game of football.
I simply believe that with my unique perspective as a woman, I can and will make the game I love -- along with millions of fans -- even better.
And rest assured, I do love the game with all my heart.
I'd also like to love Donovan McNabb with more than my heart, if you know what I mean.
PROPOSED RULE CHANGES I WOULD MAKE AS THE FIRST FEMALE COMMISSIONER OF THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE
In the past, this rule has primarily focused on players who do things considered beyond the bounds of good sportsmanship. For example: late hits, spitting, swearing, and the like.
I would propose expanding the rule to include (but not limited to):
*gauche shoe taping
*bandanas that clash with the color of a jersey
*excessive black eye paint
While I think calling another player a cocksucker is not very nice, walking on the field without mousse in your hair is simply unacceptable. At least to me.
The Muff Rule
This rule pertains to the touching of a loose ball by a player in an unsuccessful attempt to obtain possession. While I have no quarrel with the rule per se, I find the name to be offensive to all women.
Frankly, I have a muff, and on many occasions, there have been unsuccessful attempts to obtain possession of my muff.
I don't need to be reminded of this every Sunday.
I simply think the name of the rule should be changed. The Bearded Taco Rule sounds better to me.
The Clipping Rule
To me, clipping is not throwing the body across the back of an opponent's leg, or hitting him from the back below the waist. Clipping is what I do with the coupon section of the Sunday paper while I watch NFL football.
It's certainly not out of the ordinary for me to be clipping a twenty cent coupon for a Sara Lee frozen poundcake and at the same time, cheering for my favorite player on my favorite team: "Go, number 33 in the blue shirt. Score a basket. Go! Go! Go!"
At any rate, regardless of the actual name of this penalty, I think players should be punished by getting a good spanking. By the commissioner. That's what I would do.
PROPOSED REFEREE CHANGES I WOULD MAKE AS THE FIRST FEMALE COMMISSIONER OF THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE
First of all, I think those striped jerseys are hideous. Everyone knows stripes make you look fat. I would propose commissioning the assignment to Donna Karan to do a full redesign of the referee uniform, perhaps something in the mauves. Or even a darkish green would be nice.
I also am proposing that the referees discontinue the practice of cramming that yellow flag in their back pocket. To me, that's no different than unsightly panty lines! I would insist that all referees and umpires carry a small paten leather satchel where they could hold their flag and their whistle.
I think that would be nice.
In terms of on-field performance, I would eliminate the practice of referees citing particular players for rules violations.
"Penalty, number 52 offense. Holding. Ten yards."
I don't think it's very nice to call someone's number out over the loud speaker after they've done something wrong. According to Dr. Spock, reinforcing negative behavior in a public forum can damage a person's psyche. And chances are, they'll do it again.
Some mothers I know in a playgroup suggest that what works best for her kids is to give a negative action a positive twist to encourage greater results. So what I'm suggesting is to simply say things like:
"Holding, cute guy with the blue eyes and the nice ass. Ten yards. Still first down."
Something like that makes sense. And believe me, it's not because I'm a woman.
PROPOSED SCORING CHANGES I WOULD MAKE AS THE FIRST FEMALE COMMISSIONER OF THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE
I have no problem with a touchdown being worth 6 points. I believe that's a fair total given the effort required by a team to move the football into the endzone.
However, I am a bit bothered that when one team scores a touchdown, the other team feels all icky and sad for letting the other team score that touchdown.
I can personally relate to this. I had my feelings hurt once by a girl in high school who got a higher score than me on a spelling test and then told my boyfriend about it. I realize now that I shouldn't have cut the bitch's tires, but we all have things in our past we look back on with regret, y'know? At any rate, based upon my past experiences, I would recommend that whenever one team scores a touchdown, the other team should get four points for trying really hard to stop them. I think that would be fair.
I realize that this may sound very womanly of me -- showing empathy for the players and giving them points for not succeeding -- but I think too much emphasis is placed today on winning, and more should be put on making the players feel good about themselves.
At least, that's what Oprah said the other day.
While I admire the skill of these diminutive men to accurately place the ball through the goalposts, I think the rule should be "Close enough is close enough."
I know if I'm trying on a dress and the size 10 is a little snug -- but close -- I'll go with the 10 instead of the 12 because psychologically, I feel better about myself because I'm in a size 10. I think the same logic can be applied here.
I believe that as long as those cute little immigrants can kick it up in the air, they should get something for that. And if it's blocked by the defense? I think blocking kicks should be illegal. I think that's just downright mean.
PROPOSED PLAYER UNIFORM CHANGES I WOULD MAKE AS THE FIRST FEMALE COMMISSIONER OF THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE
While I believe most teams do a fine job of designing and creating innovative uniforms, I believe that in the best interest of the game, no players should be allowed to wear pants. Additionally, leopard skin bikini briefs would also be a rule. I would personally see that this rule was always strictly enforced.
PROPOSED CHEERLEADER CHANGES I WOULD MAKE AS THE FIRST FEMALE COMMISSIONER OF THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE
Those skinny little bitches? Gone.
At any rate, these are just a few of the suggestions that I would be put into place if and when I take over as the first female commissioner of the National Football League. I eagerly look forward to hearing back from you about this exciting opportunity. I believe that with my past experience -- combined with my knowledge of the game -- I can help to take the National Football League into the future.
I must tell you, I'm a big Detroit fan. But rest assured, as commissioner, I would put my bias toward Detroit aside and do whatever I could to better the game for everyone.
But until then...go Red Wings!
The National Security Advisor of the United States
P.S. Do you have any naked pictures of Donovan McNabb? Just wondering.
Actually, the more I think about it, the more I think it's a bad idea to have Condeleeza Rice as the commissioner of the National Football League. And I think it's a really bad idea to have Condeleeza Rice as the National Security Advisor of the United States.
However, as far as I know, Jesper Parnevik is still looking for a nanny.