Why the hell didn't somebody tell me?
All these years, and I had no clue that there was a glorious world hidden right in front of my eyes.
Last weekend, I saw something that I had seen a million times before. And yet, I had never seen it before.
There it was, right in the middle of the kitchen table.
The coupon section of the Sunday paper.
That remarkable array of products and services which is gently nestled between the comics and the TV guide.
I picked it up last Sunday. And I haven't let go.
I used to think that the coupon section was nothing more than fifteen cents off split pea soup. Or a dollar off NEW! individually wrapped raisins.
I had no idea. You have no idea.
With one glance, a whole new world has opened up to me. A world filled with remarkably innovative products, spectacular limited time offers, and things that I never thought I would ever need, but now feel I can't live without.
Last Sunday, in mere seconds, I came to realize that virtually anything I desire in life can be found in the coupon section of the Sunday newspaper.
My god, I may never leave the house again.
Genuine Comfort Men's Walking Shoes.
Gentlemen, just strap yourself in and prepare for take-off -- it'll be the most comfortable ride of your life. No buckles and no laces. Just one simple flick of the MagicCling strap and you'll be in for the most comfortable walk of your life.
They sound nice, don't they? And while I don't plan on leaving home for a while, it's nice to know that my walks to the refrigerator and the bathroom will be the most comfortable ride of my life.
I also think I'm going to really enjoy having shoes with a MagicCling strap. Who needs the stress and burden of buckles or laces? I've got Cheetohs to eat.
I'm also happy to learn they have a "No Sweat" Nylex covered fabric with "Breathe Easy" perforated forepart.
I don't really know what this means, but it's nice to know that if someone came up to me and said, "Hey, those are nice shoes. Do they have a perforated forepart?" I'll be able to say with confidence, "Why yes, yes they do."
They're $29.95 a pair, and I can pick from tan, brown or black. Which is great news.
Because every one of those colors goes perfectly with my red sweatpants.
Quality self-stick labels.
Since I no longer plan on leaving home, I suppose I should let people know where I am at all times.
500 labels for $4.95? I ask you: Why should I pay more for quality self-stick labels?
The ironic thing is, I've often hoped that I could buy labels direct from the factory and save. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could get them in gold, white, clear or rainbow.
I'm telling you, the coupon section is amazing. Everything I ever wanted is lying on my lap right now.
Except for Pamela Anderson.
All this shopping is making me thirsty, though. I know my wife will fetch me some pop, but I'm sick and tired of drinking out of a plastic cup.
I wish I had a porcelain tankard commemorating a racing legend. Or something.
The Dale Earnhardt Collector Tankard.
Listen, I'm a savvy shopper. And while I see that this is a nice-looking commemorative tankard, I don't just buy things just for style. I can tell from the photo that this nice-looking commemorative tankard is masterfully crafted in fine, hand-decorated porcelain.
This stylish tankard is richly accented in 24-carat gold featuring Dale Earnhardt's #3 sculpted in high relief. And it captures all the excitement of championship stock-car racing featuring a full color illustration of Dale's awesome Chevrolet Monte Carlo. The thumbpiece is also fashioned in the shape of a gear shifter. Only $37.50.
To me, this is exciting on so many levels. Not only will I now have the stylish tankard richly accented in 24-carat gold I always wanted, but I can also experience the thrill and excitement of looking at Dale Earnhardt's awesome Chevy Monte Carlo while sipping my diet Pepsi.
Life doesn't get much better than this.
Now that I'll be spending a lot of time around the house with the wife, I guess I'll be spending a lot of time looking at my wife, too. And while we certainly have a great relationship, I've found something that I believe could enhance our relationship even more:
Bloussant, an all-natural non-surgical way to larger and firmer-looking breasts.
According to the ad, my wife can now increase her breast size…naturally! Which is good, because I don't really don't have money to increase her breast size unnaturally.
I've got stuff to buy.
Imagine how great it will be to get increased cleavage and to gain back the firmness she had as a teenager.
Trust me, I'm imagining right now.
A four-month supply of Bloussant is $139.96. At first, that seemed like a lot of money to me.
Then I read that whole teenager thing and I included the extra $14.95 for rush delivery.
Genuine Sapphire Ring.
The thing is, I don't want to come across as selfish with my coupons.
I mean, I don't want it to seem like everything I'm buying is for me. Especially the Bloussant.
That's why I've decided to surprise my wife with something really special: A genuine sapphire ring for only $4.95!
It's true. I'm getting her over one carat of genuine sapphire with brilliant cubic zirconia accent stones for less than five bucks.
That's why it pays to keep your eyes open at all times, gentleman. You don't find deals like this everyday.
The photo shows that the ring is quite beautiful, indeed. It's really shiny, too. And to me, nothing says quality jewelry like a nice shine.
Even better, when I order the ring by phone, I'll also get a free sapphire necklace, too.
My wife is gonna be all over me when that thing arrives in the mail.
In four to six weeks.
Specially designed support socks.
Clearly, while I won't be leaving home anytime soon, this in no way means I'll be performing any additional chore-like activities.
I'm sure this will be fine with my wife, though. In fact, after surprising her with the glamorous sapphire jewelry, I guarantee she'll be waiting on me hand and foot.
Which will be perfect…because then she'll really appreciate these new socks!
You won't believe these specially designed support socks! No pressure! No binding! Stand all day without cramping or swelling. Get three fashionable pairs for only $9.95.
They're not just crafted, mind you. They're superbly crafted. Which is good, because you don't see much superb craftsmanship in socks these days.
When I give them to my wife, I know she'll be thrilled. There's not a wife on earth that wouldn't appreciate new superbly crafted socks.
And when I tell her that they come with a money back guarantee, I'm almost certain she'll be thinking, "Too bad you don't."
Dr. Levine's Patented Power Magnetic Knee Strap.
Because I realize that lying around all day having my wife cater to me may begin to put a strain on my knees when I get up to walk to the refrigerator, I was happy to see this advertisement for Dr. Levine's Patented Power Magnetic Knee Strap for only $9.98.
Dr. Levine's Patented Power Magnetic Knee Strap.
I immediately liked the name. And I liked knowing that it was Patented Powerful Magnet, because I think the only thing better than a Powerful Magnet is a Patented Powerful Magnet.
The Patented Power Magnetic Knee Strap presses away pain and promotes rapid recovery by supporting the patella and lessening strain on the kneecap.
I'm not really sure what that means, but it's nice to know that if someone came up to me and said, "Hey, your knees seem to be in really good shape. Are you promoting rapid recovery by supporting your patella and lessening strain on your kneecap?" I'll be able to say with confidence, "Why yes, yes I am."
It also says that, The Patented Power Magnetic Knee Strap offers increased mobility allowing the wearer to be totally active.
Ah y'know, on second thought, maybe I don't really need one of those things after all.
The Grocery Coupon Organizer.
Obviously, because I won't be leaving the house ever again, my wife will be the one traveling to the grocery store.
And she'll be leaving her Bloussant enhanced breasts at home, thank you very much.
Personally, I think she's going to find that this $4.95 Grocery Coupon Organizer is going to make her trips to the store fast and easy.
*No lost coupons! No expired coupons! No mislaid coupons!
*Organize 30 categories of coupons!
*Enjoy the exclusive "Snap-on-the Cart" mounting feature!
*Best of all, it's E-X-P-A-N-D-A-B-L-E to a full 3 inches!
Which actually, is really not that big of a deal.
I mean, so am I.
Westie The Dog Plate.
It's true that I may be a stay-at-home human now, but that doesn't mean I've lost my manners.
I still plan on eating off plates. Occasionally.
Which is why I thought this gorgeous 8¼-diameter dish titled "Hitching a Ride" would be perfect.
Besides, I've never had a dish with a title before.
The plate has a cute little picture of a doggie on it. And the coupon says that the little dog Westie will capture your heart!
Wouldn't you know it, he did.
There's a picture of just the sweetest most adorable li'l pup sitting in a bike basket which has pretty little sunflowers sewn into it.
Westie's so cuddly. I tell you I could grab that bundle of fluffy love and give him a big giant hug.
But then again, he's a picture of a dog on a plate. And it might be kinda weird if my wife came home from the grocery store and I was hugging a plate.
God, I've never been happier.
So much shopping. So little effort.
Pass the Cheetohs, please.
I love my coupons. Now, I can't wait until next week.
I'm really hoping there'll be a coupon for those pants with the stretchy waistband.
I'm not sure, but I have reason to believe I might need them.