Rut's roing ron?

Rut's roing ron?

Strauss Home / Humor Channel / Bullz-Eye Home

I have something of grave national concern that I'd like to discuss.

See the thing is, I've been watching a lot of television with the kids lately.

A lot.

And while you may find that reprehensible, I call it something else.


At any rate, my issue of grave national concern is this: 

Should our kids be watching that horrible, horrible show, Scooby Doo, Where Are You?

Quite frankly, the more I watch Scooby Doo Where Are You?, the more I'm worried that the characters in the show…the subliminal and overt messages they send…the lack of good judgment displayed…all of this could lead a nation of confused, uncontrolled youth.

Not to mention their dads.

Mind you, when I'm referring to Scooby Doo Where Are You?, I don't mean Scooby Doo, the dog. 

Scooby's cool. 

How can you not like a dog that talks in complete sentences and eats pizza?

Granted, Scooby does have that whole speech impediment thing working against him, but y'know, you're willing to let it slide because he's a dog. 

And a cartoon.

Now if a guy came up to me and said, "Rey Rister, rot ranything ro reat?" I'd probably kick him in the shins.

One, because if he talked like that, chances are he's probably somebody I actually could kick in the shins. And two, it really pisses me off when strangers ask me for food.

But the bottom line is, Scooby possesses that certain indefinable quality that makes a star, a star. 

Scooby's like the Tom Cruise of cartoon dogs. 

Scooby's the dog that dogs like Clifford look at and think, "Man, I bet he gets a ton of bitches."

No matter how you slice it, Scooby Doo is one cool cat. 

Pun most definitely intended. 

No, Scooby's not my problem. 

It's the rest of the freaks he hangs out with. You know, "The Gang." 

Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred. 

The morons that constantly walk into life-threatening situations facing idiots who have devised ridiculously elaborate plans to act like ghosts and monsters and goblins just to steal something. Then "The Gang" tries to use nothing more than their wits to figure out whodunnit.

What kind of realistic message is that sending to today's youth? Wits? Come on. Act first, think later. That's the American way.

I mean, hello? Has anybody ever heard of a gun? If people are going to act like criminals, they should be treated like criminals. Pack some heat, Fred. Make 'em pay for scaring innocent bystanders, Daphne. 

Teach them a lesson they'll never forget. A lesson forged in lead.

Wits. Yeesh. Gimme a break.

Oh, and here's a tip, "gang." The next time you get caught in a crime scene, the bad guy is never, ever Daphne's uncle. It's always the other guy with Daphne's uncle. 

You'd think after 30 years, you'd figure that out.

Besides, the guy would've gotten away with it, too. If it wasn't for you meddling kids.

Speaking of meddling, can we spend a moment with Scooby's old pal, Shaggy?

It's really cute when you're six years old and your best friend is a dog.

When you're like, 22, and you're chasing ghosts and goblins with your canine buddy, I'm thinking, like, wow man, you're a loser.

And don't you find it a bit odd that he eats as much as he does and he doesn't gain an ounce? Can somebody say animated bulimia?

You never see the cartoonist drawing that frame, do you?

Furthermore, isn't it a bit odd that all Shaggy cares about is eating? Wouldn't you think that at his age, Shaggy's hormones would be kicking into fifth gear?

Hey, kids need to know about sex. Shouldn't they learn it at home watching TV instead of out on the streets? 

Just once, I'd like to see Shaggy give Scooby a little wink and say, "Boy, Scoob, now that we captured the bad guy, I'd sure like to show that hot little box over there my monster."

Who knows? Maybe he's just a freak of nature. And he really is just into eating. And Scooby. 

Who knows? Maybe he's a little too into Scooby.

Who knows? Maybe I should quit while I'm ahead.

And then there's Velma. 

Typically, I find myself attracted to girls in short skirts and knee-high socks. 

But for every rule, there's an exception. 

Someone once asked me to describe a girl at the office. I said, "She looks like a good-looking Velma. If Velma were good-looking."

That's OK, though. We can't all be beautiful. But at least she's got brains so kids can say, "Hey, I don't really care that I'm ugly…because I'm smart like Velma!"


Well, if she was so smart, why doesn't she get contact lenses so her stupid glasses stop falling off or fogging up on her in every freaking episode at the worst moment?

Velma also says "jinkies."

What exactly does "jinkies" mean? Does "jinkies" mean "holy crapola"? And if "jinkies" does mean "holy crapola," why doesn't she just say "holy crapola" instead of "jinkies"?

It's a cartoon, for god's sake. Trust me, if the kids watching don't hear "holy crapola" from Velma, they're gonna hear "holy shit" from their dad later in the day after he loses the second half of his paycheck on the daily double at Thistledown.

Thankfully for Velma, she's nothing more than a figment of someone's nasty imagination. 

She does appear to have nice breasts, though.

Which leads us to Daphne. My luscious Daphne. I have nothing bad to say about Daphne.

In fact, I've written a poem for Daphne, my sweet:

Violets are blue,
Roses are red,
Is it also red in your pants?
'Cuz it sure is on your head.

To me, everything that Daphne says is so smart and funny. And I love her blue dress and those purple tights. 

Did you ever wonder if Daphne wears cartoon panties? Yeah. Uh, me neither. 

I roomed with a guy in college who would watch He Man and The Masters of the Universe. Whenever He-Man's woman, She-Rah, came on screen, he'd look at me and say, "Y'know, if she was real, she'd be hot."

I used to think he was a nut. Now I think he was a man ahead of his time.

Have you ever had fantasies about a cartoon character? Yeah. Uh, me neither.

Finally then, that leaves us with Fred. 

Fred, with the bellbottom pants, the white shirt and the red ascot.

Fred is either the gayest man alive or Wilt Chamberlain.

I've noticed that in virtually every cartoon, the gang splits up to find the villain. Often times, Scooby and Shaggy get paired off and wind up doing something stupid. Velma is looking for clues. Or a picture of Martina Navratilova. And Fred and Daphne head off in the other direction.


Fred look! There's a film projector, a tape recorder and some green paint back here. Maybe there really isn't a Ghost From The Swamp.


Whatever. Bend over.



Other times, Scooby's off on his own doing something stupid. Velma is looking for clues. Or a picture of Ellen DeGeneres. Daphne's hopefully touching herself. And Fred and Shaggy head off in the other direction.


Fred look! There's a film projector, a tape recorder and some green paint back here. Maybe there really isn't a Ghost From The Swamp.


Whatever. Bend over.



You never see the cartoonist drawing that frame, do you?

The truth is, there are hundreds of thousands of people who devote their life's work to solving issues like world peace, hunger and…I don't know. Something else "important."

But the truth is, millions of American children are being affected by Scooby Doo Where Are You? a lot more than they are by Yasser Arafat.

They see what they do and how the dummies act. And kids want to do it, too. 

Do you want your children to act like these people? With no purpose in life? Placing themselves in dangerous situations? Running around with a naked dog?

I think we must put a stop to Scooby Doo Where Are You? 

As parents, we need to set a better example at home. We need to focus on keeping our children safe within our own walls. Instead of the boob tube, we must be our children's role models. We must….

Hey, lookie lookie lookie! Josie and The Pussycats

Son, have a seat. Wait'll you check out this piece of ass.

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