Ho hum. Whatever

Ho hum. Whatever

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Dear Readers:

Since my favorite baseball team has decided to go through the motions all season long, I've decided to do the same.

So this week, I'm just mailing it in.

Which means today, you're really not going to read anything too funny, or too thought provoking from me.

Come to think of think, you've never read anything too funny, or too thought provoking from me.

Regardless, I'm just planning on typing enough words to say that I wrote a column, and that's about it. 

Unlike the Indians, however, I'm not acting like I'm trying even though I'm really not. 

I'm coming right out, looking you in the eye and saying, "I don't care."

Anyway, I hope you understand. And that you'll still come back next week. Even though it's totally obvious that I really don't give a rat's ass and I'm just doing this for the money.

You see, whether you like what I write or not, I still get paid.

I still love you though. 

You know I do.

Wishing you all my best. Except for this week.

And maybe forever.


Me

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Last week I went to Burger King for lunch. I ordered a side salad and BK Broiler. Then I cut up the chicken and put it on my side salad, which then turned my side salad into a chicken salad. 

The funny thing was, I wanted a chicken salad for lunch, so I thought my idea of cutting up my chicken and putting it on my salad to make a chicken salad was a pretty good idea.

You're probably thinking that was a pretty lame story. But that's the story I felt like telling you, and you can complain all you want, but I don't really care.

In fact, I'm going to tell it again.

Last week I went to Burger King for lunch. I ordered a side salad and BK Broiler. Then I cut up the chicken and put it on my side salad, which then turned my side salad into a chicken salad.

The funny thing was, I wanted a chicken salad for lunch, so I thought my idea of cutting up my chicken and putting it on my salad to make a chicken salad was a pretty good idea.

The next thing I'm going to do is tell you a story that has no beginning middle or end. 

In fact, the sole purpose of this story is to waste as many words as possible. So then this column will be done and I can go out and party or meet girls or play video games and do everything and anything other than writing this column.

All I know is that when my 1,300 words are done, I'm so outta here.

Two weeks ago, I had to go to Washington, D.C. for work. 

Actually, in the interest of typing more words and getting the hell out of here faster, two weeks ago, I had to go to Washington, District of Columbia for work.

For your information, Washington, District of Columbia, is the capital of our country. It has been for a long time. Even since before I was born. 

It's been about 20 years since I've been in Washington, District of Columbia. The one thing that I noticed while I was there is that Washington, District of Columbia is a really big city. 

The thing is, I've been to Washington, Pennsylvania, and believe me, Washington, District of Columbia is a lot bigger than Washington, Pennsylvania.

Actually, my wife has relatives in Washington, Pennsylvania. And they're all very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very nice.

For those of you counting, that was a very good use of 10, count 'em, 10 verys.

I was hoping to see the President or someone famous while I was in Washington, District of Columbia, but the more I thought about, the more I figured it wasn't very likely that he'd be roaming the halls of a Courtyard by Marriott.

In case you were wondering, I was in room 709 at the Courtyard by Marriott in Washington, District of Columbia. 

In case you weren't wondering, I was in room 709 at the Courtyard by Marriott in Washington, District of Columbia. 

When you walked in, the bathroom was to the right, there was a desk on the left, and across from the desk was a queen-sized bed with two end tables and a lamp. 

Next to the desk was a dresser with a television on top of it. Next to the television was a TV Guide and a remote control. All of the buttons on the remote control were black except for the "Power" button, which was red. The "Power" button was located on the upper right hand corner of the remote control.

By the way, are you bored? 

By the way, guess what? I don't care.

Even though it may not look like it, there was about a five-minute break between this sentence and the sentence above. 

That's because two lightbulbs just went out in our kitchen and I had to replace them. 

First I pulled a chair over and then I unscrewed the light and took out the bulbs. I looked at them. They were both 40 watts. I went upstairs and discovered that we only had two bulbs left. One was 60 watts. One was 75 watts. 

I said to myself, "Good enough." I put them in. I turned on the light switch. They both worked.

Then I came back here to tell you about it.

Hey, how'd you like that story?

The thing is, you've probably changed some light bulbs recently. But you didn't tell anybody about it, did you?

Not only did I tell you about it, it took me 81 words to do it.

But you're still reading, aren't you?

Actually, I hope you complain about this column. Because if you complain about it, more people will want to read what you're complaining about, and then before you know it, everybody will hate me and they'll log on just to read what I wrote so they can say how stupid I am and how dumb my column is.

And I'll get a big, fat raise because so many people will be reading my drivel.

Suckers.

At any rate, you'll be happy to know that this column is now officially over. 

Well, pretty close to being over.

I wanted to tell you this really funny story about this thing that happened to me at this place the other day. But the more I think about, it's kinda not worth the effort to tell the story. 

So forget I even said anything.

OK, that's it. Now I'm really done. Toast. Fini. 


I think I'm going to sit down and do absolutely nothing for the rest of the night. Because that's what I've been doing for the last hour anyway, so why stop now?

Today, I'm coasting, baby. Just like the Tribe.

Maybe I'll just lie on the couch and watch them play like they're lying on the couch at home, too.

Maybe tonight I'll spend three hours watching them play a team with half the talent they have. Maybe they'll show up tonight. Maybe they won't.

But that's OK, though. When you have as much talent as the Indians -- or as much talent as I have -- it's OK to put it in neutral for awhile.

Truth is, when you're that good, you know exactly what you have to do to turn it up a notch, and get back to that level of superiority you're accustomed to.

And dammit, if it's good enough for the Indians, it's good enough for me.

So while I'm admittedly going through the motions this week, rest assured, I'll be back better than ever next week.

But then again, I may not feel like it.

Hey, did I tell that I changed two light bulbs the other day?

 

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