Not so deep thoughts
05/11/2001
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In case you were wondering, this is what I thought about while I was having sex last night:
Earned runs times nine divided by innings pitched. So if he gives up four runs in five innings, that's 4x9 is 36, divided by 5 equals 7 something. Now if he gave up three runs in two and a third innings, that's 3x9 is 27, divided by 2 1/3…so I have to convert it to a fraction so that's 7/3, then I have to convert 27 to thirds so that's 81/3, then 81x3 is 243 and 7x3 is 21, so 243 divided by 21 is 10-something. Well, that sucks.
Oh, christ. I had to say suck, didn't I?
Let's see, tomorrow I've gotta finish writing copy on that brochure. I've gotta call that guy to see if he can help out at the auction. Where the hell did I put his phone number? Y'know, I really like telephones. Isn't it interesting how all numbers on a telephone go in order? There's a 1, followed by a 2, then 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 0. Hmmm, I wonder why there aren't any letters on the number 1? They actually could've put two letters on every number and then three letters on the star and then three more on the pound sign and it would've worked out perfectly.
Oh, christ. I had to say pound, didn't I?
Porcupines are interesting animals, aren't they? They've got those little bodies all covered in prickly thingies, and they just run around all day being all prickly and all. Nubby little feet. Prickly little bodies. Just running around all day, poking things.
Oh, christ.
So this guy's sitting in a bar and he turns to talk to the guy next to him. But the other guy falls off his stool. So this guy lifts him back up and puts him back on his stool. Boom! He falls off again. So the first guy thinks, "Man, this guy is never gonna make it home." So he reaches in his pocket, pulls out his wallet and takes out his driver's license. He finds out where he lives. He drags him out of the bar, down the street, across the road, up the front stairs, and stands him up against the front door. He rings the doorbell. Boom! The guy falls down again. His wife opens the door. She looks at our guy. She looks at her husband lying there. Then she looks back at our guy and says, "Where's his wheelchair?" That joke is great. And the opposite of great is blows.
Oh, christ.
One little, two little, three little Indians. Four little, five little, six little Indians. Seven little, eight little, nine little Indians. Ten little Indian dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made it out of clay, and when it's dry and ready, oh dreidel I will row, row row your boat, gently down the stream. Stream. Rhymes with cream.
Oh, christ.
Focus man. Focus. Think about the nail on the small toe of your left foot. That little nail that you've had since the day you were born. Think about that nail. And that it's a little cracked and it's too bad you didn't cut it before you started. Think about it. Think about that little toe. That little insignificant toe. That toe is all that matters right now. That toe. That teeny-tiny toe on your left foot. Forget the teeny-tiny toe on your right foot. Focus, man. Focus. Hey, y'know, everybody has toes. Women have toes. Sometimes, women put their toes in stilletos. On top of their thigh-high black stockings.
Oh, christ.
I think Bob Newhart is so funny. Wasn't it interesting how they ended the one Bob Newhart by having him wake up from a dream and being in the old Bob Newhart show? That was really clever. And how great was Susanne Pleshette's voice?
Oh, christ.
My god, that woman at the mall was so freakin' fat today. Can you imagine that thing naked? Mounds of blubber piled on top of caverns of fat. Thick, massive rolls of flesh on top of flesh on top of flesh. Covered in fat. Picture that in a tight blouse and short skirt. What in the hell does she eat every day? You know she sits at her desk and has a little salad for lunch. "Oh, I'm not very hungry." Then she goes home and works out -- her jawbone. "Pizza. Mmmmmmm. Chicken…screw the chicken. Give me the chicken skin! Mmmmmm. I love summer! Ice cream! What time does DQ open? I love Buster Bars! Gimme a case! Screw the bag…I'll eat 'em here! Mmmmmm." Jesus, I wonder if she's ever had sex. How desperate would you have to be to do her? How could you get excited over that? She'd probably keep eating while you were having sex. "Oh yeah, baby. Hey, pass the mustard, will you? Yes! Yes! Yes!"
Oh, christ. Even that sounds interesting.
Hey, that's weird. I never noticed that knot in the headboard before. It's a lot darker than the rest of the bed. I wonder why that happens? What would cause the wood to be darker in that one particular area? I mean, it's a nice look and all. I'm just wondering, y'know. It's not that big of a knot. I'd say maybe ¾ of an inch. It's kind of a weird shape, too. It sorta looks like a circle but the left side has kind of a weird bump that juts out at an odd angle. It's not really black, either. It's more like a dark, dark, super dark brown. Like Naomi Campbell. Stop! I wonder if they enhanced the color of the knothole when they stained this? I mean, I think this bed is stained. I never really thought about it before, though. Jeez, we've had this bed for so long. Y'know, I still do like our furniture. It's all held up pretty well. The couches should probably be re-covered because the fabric is kind of worn down. But structurally, they're all in good shape. I also don't understand why…goddamn it, what did she just say?
Oh, christ. Don't listen! Don't listen!
Y'know in 1963, Jim Brown had 1,863 rushing yards. That comes out to 133.07142 yards per game. In 1973, OJ had 2,003 yards, which comes out to 143.07142. 143.07142 minus 133.07142 is 10 yards per game, multiplied by 14 games is 140 yards. 140 plus 1,863 is 2,003.
Jesus, Nicole Brown Simpson had a great body.
Oh, christ.
Please put your trays away and return your seats to their locked and upright positions. Each sold separately. Batteries not included. May I see your license and registration, please? This coupon is not valid with any other offer. Dude, you're so losing it. Am not. Are to. Am not. Are to. Not. To. Red alert! Gentlemen, man your battle stations. Pilot to co-pilot, ready for takeoff.
Legs. Breasts. Ass.
Oh, christ.
Amazing what can run through your head in two minutes and 14 seconds, isn't it?
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