Oh, hi. It's just me
None of you have ever heard of Lane Strauss before. But that's OK. My wife never heard of me before we met.
Now she's seen me naked.
I swear to God, this'll be far less revolting. Swear to God.
You see, from time to time, I'm going to be sharing my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams and my aspirations with you.
And that's just the Pamela Anderson article.
Before I got started, though, I thought now might be a good time to set the ground rules for this column. So here's the deal:
I'm going to be writing about a lot of different things. I'm also not going to be writing about a lot of different things.
I'm not going to be writing about cuddling, gardening, ballet, stationery, skin cleansers, decaf coffee, the color pink, wedding planners, rhythm gymnastics, Women's World Cup soccer, baby showers, Chicken Soup for the Whatever, streusel recipes, really good shower cleaners, veggie burgers and how much I love The Lifetime Channel.
I'm not going to be writing a column while I'm sipping piña coladas and taking walks in the rain, while she's having my baby, while the wind is beneath my wings, and while I'm torn between two lovers. Even though you don't bring me flowers. Anymore.
I will not write a column titled:
"This Week's Top New Age CD Releases."
"The Hottest Debate in the NBA: Shorts or Culottes?"
"Ten Things to Look Out For at the Opera House."
"The Absolute Best Way to Change a Diaper."
"The Lost Art of Sipping Tea."
I will not write anything making reference to sexual positions such as the Kama Sutra, the Tantra, Zenno JoJido, Saundanese Arab, Jelq, Super Jelq, Modified Spooning, the Eighth Position of the Perfumed Garden, and the Kneeling Pretzel. Because I have no friggin' idea what they are.
The following people will not appear in anything I write: Martha Stewart, Rosie O'Donnell, Billie Jean King, Barbra Streisand, Liza Minelli, Bea Arthur, Yanni, Richard Simmons, Mr. Brady, the old lady who lives down the street from me with the really loud dog, that fat model on E!, the guy who plays the pan flute and Mrs. Howell.
Other than that, everything is fair game. So let's get started, shall we?