Will she be a "friend" or a "lover"?
04/05/2009
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If you ever really liked a girl – but she saw you as “just a friend” – the fact is there are things you did that made her see you that way. That’s the honest truth. But the good news is you can learn what you did – and what to do NEXT time – so women feel a deep gut-level attraction to you. Read this article – it could change your life – then go get a free trial of his Double Your Dating eBook, here.
***QUESTION***
Hi Dave,
Kind of an 'almost but not quite' success story but compared to how I used to be it feels like a miracle. Yes, in the past I was ultimate wussy boy but then I got the ebook and began to change.
(I'm 20 and glad I found this out now!) Always had plenty of female friends but I was the therapist, nothing more. And as I'm sure many guys who are reading this know, it makes you feel like crap.
Anyway, by coincidence, I moved to another city for work, just as I got the ebook. This meant that I really had a fresh start. By another piece of fortune I got very lucky: I met that rare woman who has her act together FIRST TIME. Yeah, I know. The first woman I meet EVER whilst trying to be C+F, get my body language right, keep eye contact and not be a wuss and she's the one who's got her act together big style. I've always picked things up really quickly (got to have some good points when you only weigh 130lbs haha!) and so just tried to stay cool for as long as I could, mainly for the learning experience. And Dave, thanks to reading your book day in and day out, combined with the emails, I have done better than I EVER thought I would. I still remember the awesome feeling when she first started calling me to do stuff (rather than the millions of other guys who were always hanging around her, kissing her ass.) Or how I would bust on her amongst our group of friends and she would come right back at me with an ever cockier and funnier comment and all the guys would stare at me as if I was crazy to say this stuff to her. They then proceeded to say how unfair life must be because she is single and to not take my comments to heart because she is beautiful ...yuck, wussies!
So to the crunch. One night when this girl and I were out pubbing and clubbing and battling each other with our wits and building lots of tension (so much fun) she opened up a bit and told me that she had never met anyone like me and that I was cool. All the cues that you said would happen if you do the right things. Inside I was like "WOW!" but I didn't show it and just told her that her compliments and looking at me like a piece of meat wasn't going to get her anywhere - she's a great friend! By the end of the night she was asking me the odds of us having sex within the next few weeks. Now here's where I've got to hold my hands up and risk your written wrath. In that moment, this was the ONLY time I have ever been a wuss with her. I'm a virgin and even though I fancy her like mad, I know at present I couldn't satisfy a woman like that (limiting belief I know, but true!) I haven't got the skill yet and then I realised that I had failed to plan ahead. Damn.
And I could hardly turn around and say "Hey, I'm a virgin wuss who has never had sex! Teach me?"
Instead, as my answer I just smirked a little in a poor attempt to look composed but I wasted a big opportunity to amplify what was there; instead I just dissipated all the tension by being a prick.
She appeared to let me off though and the next few weeks were a C+F fun-fest again. I still played it cool, no chasing, no clinging, no insecurity. Then our mutual friends started telling me to ask her for more. Even her best female friend said that we should be together because we get on so well. I remembered an email you sent saying that if you meet someone you REALLY like then sometime you're going to have to take the chance and tell them. So when we were alone at another party a couple of weeks later, I told her that we should get together. Here's the messed up part: she said that I was the best guy she'd ever met and that she didn't want to enter a relationship with me because every guy she has ever gone out with she's ended up hurting. She said that she never wanted to hurt me and wanted to know me forever. And that if we stayed best friends forever, without complications, we would have something great for life and not a quick fling followed by never talking again. She also said that she loved the way that I stand up to her and don't kiss her ass like most other guys. So, a lot of tears later (from her), hugs, kisses and plenty of apologies and I was left to wonder if my one error of sexual wussiness had cost me in the worst possible way.
I believe this to be true because I know that if a woman feels attraction for a man, then nothing else matters. Her friendship logic wouldn't matter if she "felt it" for me would it? I'm so pissed off at myself for messing up (always been a perfectionist, have to get everything right first time!) However, she has surprised me in that she hasn't run for the hills - she must've meant what she said. Reason being because not only are we still hanging out, but she sent me a Valentines card (I sent her nothing) and just last week invited me over to her place alone where she cooked for me. I'm still playing it by your teachings Dave but I'm at a complete loss. I like her a hell of a lot and am really fighting the wuss urge. I still bust on her, we still flirt, I don't call her a s much as she calls me and I haven't shared any feelings with her since that night. I'm trying to stay cool man! Don't bitch slap or berate me too hard, I've already done it many times myself (and will continue to do so, until I GET IT! I am not going to give this up!) So after this damned long essay that says I've gone on for too long (I've kept it to 2 paragraphs though - albeit by cheating the rules of grammar...) I have two questions: 1) Is there any hope of turning this around? I know I should move on but how long will it take me to find another really exceptional woman that I get on so well with? It seems like I'm so close but just haven't quite got the skill to haul myself over the finish line and it's very frustrating! 2) Where can I get a good education on how to make love to a woman? This is my final concern with women, I believe. And when the time comes, should I admit my lack of inexperience? (No amount of theory can make up for lack of practice!)
Cheers Dave, without your teachings I would never, ever have gotten this far.
M, United Kingdom.
P.s. She did your pocket a favour by turning me down - it prompted me to buy the CD series. In the long run, I guess she did me a favour too:
it's awesome so far. ***End of blatant plug***
>>>MY COMMENTS:
Well, first of all I want to CONGRATULATE you on a great job with this girl.
You did all the right things, and you've obviously paid attention to what you've learned. I have a lot of respect for you for both DOING SOMETHING to improve yourself, and for getting out there and using the materials.
You should be congratulating yourself, not beating yourself up.
I'M the one who gives the verbal beatings here, not you, remember?
I think the real problem you're running into here is that you've put too much importance on this one situation, and by doing that you've created "tunnel vision" for yourself. I'm sure you've heard me talk about this a lot.
From now on, don't get so hung up on a particular woman that you're not even "technically" involved with. It's asking for emotional trouble... and it's a pain.
So, let's talk about this particular
situation...
I'd like to share with you a thought to set this up. It's a thought that might not go over so well with a lot of people (especially women). But, I believe it to be true, so I'm going to put it out there.
Remember, this is a generalization, and not a cold, hard fact... it's true MOST of the time. You have to use your own judgment in each situation.
Now that the disclaimer is over, here's the deal:
If you meet a woman (especially a sharp, attractive woman who's intelligent), and you start doing all of those wonderful things that spark and amplify the ATTRACTION present in the situation, you must KEEP MOVING FORWARD, or you'll lose everything you've built.
What I'm trying to say is that if you don't take things to a physical level quickly after creating all of this sexual tension, it will eventually go away, and you'll be left with just "friend" material.
I know that you've never been with a woman sexually, so I can understand why you hesitated.
But you must still remember what I said.
The rule of thumb is: If you're going to spark and amplify attraction with a woman, you need to continue on to the next level SOON... or you're going to probably lose it.
When you just tease a woman, bust on her, get her all wired up and excited about you... then DON'T MOVE FORWARD PHYSICALLY, it's a let down.
Basically, the woman you're with has a first impression of you that says "This guy is sexy and attractive", but when you don't continue forward on a physical level, she starts to think "Uh Oh, he's either not interested in me 'in that way', he's gay, or he's seeing someone else" etc.
If you want to be "friends" with a woman, it's easy. Don't do anything.
If you don't make any "moves", don't try to kiss her, and don't confidently lead in a physical way, a woman will only think of you as a "friend".
Even if there is attraction based on
personality, it's going to disappear if you don't cross over into the physical realm.
98% of the time, she's NOT going to be the one to make the first moves... it's just not going to happen. YOU have to do it.
Onward...
The real keys here are:
1) Knowing WHAT to do to proceed in each situation
2) Knowing WHEN to proceed in each situation
3) Knowing HOW to proceed in each situation... in a way that is smooth and natural... and that doesn't get you "rejected"
You've got the benefit of having my eBook and my Advanced Dating Techniques Program. I recommend that you check out the bonus booklet that came with "Double Your Dating" called "Sex Secrets", and use that material IMMEDIATELY.
Also, you'll learn a lot of great ideas in the last few discs of my Advanced Series.
Let me cover a few basics here.
First of all, it's OK that you're a virgin.
It's no big deal. You're making it into something bigger than it is by freaking out about it.
I'll break the news to you:
SHE ONLY CARES HOW SHE FEELS, NOT WHAT YOUR PAST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE IS.
If you can make her FEEL good, game over.
You're obviously a guy who can pay attention and learn things. Spend a day at the bookstore, and go to the "sexuality" section. Read for awhile. You'll learn everything you need to know to get past your "first time" just fine.
And, by the way, if you run into a problem...
like "performance anxiety" or nervousness or just being uncomfortable naked around a woman... that's OK too. If you reach a point that starts to freak you out too much, just lean back and stop for a little while. One of the GREAT things about the process of getting a woman turned on is that it's much more powerful for her if you DO stop and start... move two steps forward, and one step back.
You don't need to say, "Hey, I realize that we're both naked in bed here and we should be making love, but I'm a virgin... and on top of that, I can't get it up". No no nooooo....
Just kick back. If you have to, just call it a night.
The KEY is that you have to at least PROGRESS physically with her. Explained differently, you don't necessarily have to go "all the way", but you do have to get pretty far down the field...
and keep going a little farther each time... if you want to keep the attraction building.
I have another secret to share with you...
Most guys suck in bed. And I don't mean that in a good way. And no, I'm not talking from experience.
I have known, interviewed, and received emails from a lot of women. I know the deal. Most women are not very happy about what happens in the bedroom.
If you do just the things I've laid out for you in the ebook and Advanced Series, and then you totally blow it and are the worst lover the world has ever known, she'll still have a GREAT experience with you... because MOST of it will have been fantastic for her.
Using the physical techniques... ways of touching, ways of getting her physically turned on and amplifying her arousal, that you've learned in the materials, will get a woman so turned on that just about ANY kind of sexual interaction will be fine with her.
lol... and by the way, the next time a woman looks at you and asks, "What do you think the odds of us having sex within the next few weeks are?"... you need to look her right in the eye and
say:
"Sex? Hell, I don't even know if you know how to kiss."
...then lean over and kiss her.
When you're finished, pull away (you stop the kiss before she does), look back at her, and say:
"Hmm, I'll have to get back to you about the sex part."
...and if you're reading this right now...
...and you want to know how in the hell a 130 pound ex- wussy therapist boy can change his ways and have a woman asking him if he thinks they're going to have sex soon, then I'd recommend doing what HE did...
Get yourself a copy of my eBook "Double Your Dating". It's taken me years to figure this stuff out, and you can try all of it at NO RISK. You've got nothing to lose... except your inability to meet women...
Oh... and be sure to sign up for my FREE Dating Secrets e-Letter while you're at it...
Do both here:
Free Dating Tips Newsletter and Download eBook
Copyright 2004 David DeAngelo Communications Inc., All Rights Reserved. "David DeAngelo" and "Double Your Dating" are trademarks used by David DeAngelo Communications Inc.
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