A view from The Show
04/01/2003
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I feel obligated to start you off with a disclaimer: Turning me loose in a motorcycle show is like handing an alcoholic a bottle of Cuervo and your car keys. Therefore, I apologize if I ramble like a fourth-grader who just ran out of Ritalin. I love motorcycles -- anything on two wheels. With a few exceptions, I would rather ride the world's crappiest motorcycle than drive a Bentley. Throw in the fact that my bike has been mothballed in the garage for what feels like a century, and you should understand my excitement.
The Cycle World Show is the big enchilada of preseason bike events. It gives manufacturers a chance to trot out their new rides for the first time in public, dealers get to sell a few bikes to snowbound dreamers, and cycle fanatics come from all over the region to drool over all the shiny new toys. The Cleveland tour stop for this show, to which I was privy, was like an old Eastwood flick: some good, some bad and even a little ugly.
Might as well start with the good, because it was everywhere. The popularity of motorcycling is on the rise again, and with more riders comes an influx of money into the industry. This is good news for everyone, because manufacturers have put this new coinage to good use. Bike design has taken quantum leaps in recent years, and race-ready technology can be had for under 10 grand.
 Ducati 999 |
Leading the way as Grand Marshals of this parade of stunning new bikes is a trio of pasta rockets that prove the boot of Italy can still kick some ass. The show was my first opportunity to see the new Ducati 999 live and in person, and I was floored. This Duck replaces the legendary 998, and represents a radical design departure from its older sibling. This newness understandably ruffled the feathers of the Ducatisti, those purist snobs who claim to hold the patent on all things two-wheeled and Italian. Let this serve as a public service announcement: they can all stop sniveling and shove it. The 999 is motorcycle perfection.
Throw a leg over the 999, and most of the bike disappears beneath you. Tilt it upright, and you feel a sense of balance like nothing else on two wheels. The aggressive front end, so prominent in profile, slips beneath your line of vision completely, leaving only an unobstructed view of a clean and well-thought-out instrument cluster. If I were tortured into lodging one complaint against the new Duck, here it is: The rearview mirrors are relatively useless. But honestly, if you're riding this thing the way it's meant to be, there's nothing back there to see anyway.
 Aprilia RSV Tuono |
Just around the corner from the Ducati booth lurked their cousins from Aprilia, best known for their world-class line of RSV sport bikes. However, it was their lone "hooligan"-class bike that stood out. Actually, the Tuono R doesn't stand out... it leaps out and grabs you by the throat. This is the kind of bike that nobody was really asking for, but a twisted few are glad to see it anyway. To paraphrase one cycle scribe, riding the Tuono R is like "lighting your driver's license on fire. With your wallet in your pocket."
The formula for the Tuono R was simple: take one Mille R, remove several pounds of plastic bodywork, replace the clip-ons with some nifty tapered bars, and hang on. Whacking the throttle open in any of the first three gears will have you fighting to put the front rubber back on the road. The Tuono R will not become a favorite of MSF instructors or highway patrolmen, but if you're the type of sick freak who likes to be at the mercy of your motorcycle, it's the ride for you.
 Benelli Tornado Tre |
The final Italian eye-popper at this year's show was the Benelli Tornado Tre. I'll be the first to admit that this bike is different, probably to the point that you may never see one on the road. It looks over-engineered. For example, they actually mounted the radiator under the seat pan, using a pair of tail-mounted exhaust fans to provide airflow. This just adds to the Tre's Star Trek looks, but it works for this bike. It's an exotic, and there's no point in making it conform. The only part of this Benelli that remotely resembles a design standard is the deeply-contoured tank, a-la Ducati. Everything else is big-time original, unfortunately including the nuclear-green paint. I guess if you can afford this bike, you want the color to match your bank account.
As much as it pains me to do this, I have to add one more bike to the list of pleasant surprises at the show. The Buell Firebolt XB9R sucked me into a test-sit and, well, I kinda liked it. For a little background, Buell is the pseudo-sportbike division of Harley-Davidson. Essentially, they are a group of hard-working engineers striving to make an acceptable street machine out of what Harley scraps they can scrounge. It's the motorcycle version of putting lipstick on a pig, but I applaud their efforts with regard to the Firebolt. Making a respectable bike out of anything Harley-Davidson is a tall order, and the 1950s technology that hangs under the Firebolt in the form of its Sportster-derived engine belies the uphill battle being fought by Erik Buell and team. But the total package, engine notwithstanding, is rather impressive.
 Buell Firebolt XB9R |
Slide into the Firebolt's cockpit, and the first thing you notice is a whole lotta nothing. A high perch, narrow clip-on bars and a silly-short wheelbase give you that roller-coaster feeling, like being perched at the top of the hill at all times. Fuel goes in the frame, oil goes in the swingarm, and a lot of other little parts go missing to give this bike a seriously minimalist look. It's just too bad that this neat little bike is handcuffed by that archaic engine. It would be a lot of fun to tool around on the Firebolt, until you learn the hard way that you're on a literbike that gets blown away by any new 600. Let's hope Buell finds a way to import some solid liquid-cooled power to make this bike a serious streetfighter contender before it's too late.
 Please crash... |
Now on to the bad. It was few and far between at this year's show, but if you knew where to look you could find some serious crap. Allow me to begin with the Star Boyz and all of their clones. You know who I'm talking about: the slew of Vanilla Ice-looking punks with fur-covered R1s who like to terrorize motorists by performing ridiculous stunts on crowded highways. Well, these vermin have multiplied like sewer rats, and now every group of mental midgets has its own videotape to hawk. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for Darwinism. These fools eventually end up taking themselves out of the gene pool, and that's a good thing. But before they go, they leave the rest of us with higher insurance rates, and a generally poor attitude toward motorcyclists on the part of the motoring public. Do the world a favor, and don't encourage this nonsense by buying their videos. And if you witness some of their wacky chicanery on the road, feel free to give them the Brooklyn wave.
 How most Harleys go home |
Also noted in the "bad" section of my notebook from this year's show, Harley-Davidson is still making motorcycles. I'll admit, I wandered through the booth to get a look at the new V-Rod, and it's not bad. They've almost got it refined to the level of the 20-year-old Yamaha V-Max. Around the V-rod sat the usual collection of Low-Boy-Fat-King-Springer-Classic-Willy-Bob Harleys, so I quickly waddled off toward the beer and pretzel stand.
The only other disappointment from this year's show was the lack of accessory vendors usually present at these things. The major factories were well-represented with large displays, possibly to the detriment of the little guys. One member of my accompanying rat pack was in search of a windshield for his 'Zook, and couldn't find anything but some catalogs to order from. The only accessories in sight for my CBR were some custom gauge faces (why?) and some incredibly ugly grips. Apparently the manufacturers are happy to have a place to display their new bikes, commerce be damned.
 Honda Valkyrie Rune. Seriously. |
It pains me to dredge up the ugly. As much as I wanted to find something else to smack Harley around with, the undisputed prize pig of this year's show came from none other than Honda. Yep, that Honda. They of the impeccable engineering and leading-edge styling. See, what they did was... well, I don't know what they did. I can only speculate that someone lost a discrimination lawsuit and a wayward engineer was allowed to take heroin while designing production bikes. The new Valkyrie Rune is a monstrosity of sheet metal and gobs of extra-ugly. The wheelbase on this thing must be a good 15 feet, and I can only guess at its Oprah-like curb weight. I might be wrong, there might be a customer for this bike, but last I checked the bad guy in Mad Max already had a bike. Let's all bow our heads and pray that this is the last time Honda tries to think this far outside the box.
In the final analysis, the 2003 Cycle World International Motorcycle Show had its share of ups and downs. There was plenty of good, a smattering of bad and a little ugly. But did I mention that they were selling beer?
Questions/comments? E-mail me at
mpost@bullz-eye.com!