The moment you've all been waiting for
01/13/2003
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Sometimes, I really hate the beginning of a new year. In the big picture of things, should it really matter that the calendar has lapped itself around back to January? If people really want to lose weight and quit smoking, why don't they just have the gumption to do it? Why are there no July 4th resolutions? Why do crappy bars feel justified in charging a $50 cover on New Year's Eve just because they are serving champagne? Who was that actress who played Cricket on "Days of Our Lives"? And why is it so goddamn cold outside?These are the things that have been running around inside my skull recently, and it's been turning me into a crotchety, miserable guy. If I didn't find a solution soon, I'd have to grow a beard, get weird and move into the mountains.
Fortunately for the populations of the mountain states, I remembered what was missing in my life: My annual opportunity to reflect on those things that somehow made me smile during the previous year by handing out the prestigious and self-aggrandizing Mitchie Awards! So here they are -- the people, places and things that made an insignificant and shallow contribution to the quality of life on our planet during 2002. (Regular readers will forgive my absolute lack of any semblance of order or apparent reason.)
Special thanks to my long-time research assistant, Jim Beam, for making this year's awards a reality!
2002 Mitchie Award / Bad Idea of the Year: Bacardi Ciclon
No, seriously. When I say "bad idea," I usually mean black socks with jeans. Telling your lady she's putting on a few pounds. Forwarding porn e-mails to your boss. Harmless chicanery like that. But this one goes above and beyond the call of stupidity any way you slice it. In fact, when I first saw the magazine ad for this inane invention, I immediately looked at the rag's cover to make sure it wasn't the April 1st issue. Alas, they were completely serious.
Want to know why something as harmless-sounding as Ciclon gets the big prize? I've got six words for you: tequila-spiked rum. No shit, right there in the same bottle, begging to be consumed together! (Wait a minute. Now that I think about it, it might be rum-spiked tequila. But does it really matter either way?) The tragedy is that someone had this idea, had the balls to take it to management, and someone gave this project the green light. I think selling uranium to Yemen and shipping it via UPS may have been marginally smarter.
Let's analyze this for a millisecond: Tequila can always be counted on to land you in prison. Rum, therefore, must have a calming effect that counteracts the tequila, right? Wrong! They should have called this "Felony in a Bottle." Winner! Winner! Chicken dinner!
2002 Mitchie Award / Best Website (Runner Up):
Homestarrunner.com
Without a doubt, the best site on the Worthless-Wide Web remains Bullz-Eye.com. I've yet to discover a piece of essential information that can't be found right here. But when you combine an armless protagonist who talks like he has CP, a wrestling-masked ne'er-do-well with boxing gloves for hands, and a cast of characters who like to "eat pies and get doppy" all day long, you've got a solid case for a close second.
I have no idea who created this thing, but my hat is off to the cast and crew. Whether it's Strong Bad throwing a luau complete with "Hello, my name is: Crap For Brains" nametags, or e-mail advice to frat boys on how to throw a theme party, Homestarrunner.com is, in their own parlance, "crazy-go-nuts."
2002 Mitchie Award / Criminally Insane Smart Guy:
Dean Kaemen
One of the great traditions in literature, especially among periodic columnists like myself, is the rehashing of old material in the hopes that you won't notice. Honestly, that's not what I'm doing here. Well, yes I am, but I have good reason.
| ------------------------------------------------------ Tequila can always be counted on to land you in prison. Rum, therefore, must have a calming effect that counteracts the tequila, right? Wrong! They should have called this "Felony in a Bottle." ------------------------------------------------------ |
In my opinion, there's nothing inherently dangerous about the insane. But when the insane are well financed and surrounded by powerful people who believe their bullshit, you've got the makings for catastrophe. Enter Dean Kaemen, the galactic bonehead behind the Segway Human Transport (as always, hereafter referred to as SHT). In case you've been cooped up in a cave for a few months, Kaemen's pile of SHT is the world's most high-tech scooter. See, you stand on it, and it zips you around town. No big deal, right? Great toy.
Here's where it gets scary. Kaemen has actually found funding to produce more SHT. Wait, it gets better. He's actually convinced people to buy his SHT. It should come as no surprise that a few branches of the federal government were among the first to line up for a few heaping orders of SHT. But there are actually people -- sensible people -- who seem to think that this $5000 scooter will "revolutionize transportation." If anyone could supply me with a list of these people, I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to smack each one of them across the head. They are cordially invited to go eat their SHT. I could go on forever about this SHT, but I'll just shut up and hand out the award.
2002 Mitchie Award / Chain-Pulling: Clonaid
A few alarms should have gone off when the press release came from Paris, of all places. Honestly, the surrender-happy frogs can't even slap together a decent cheeseburger. So when a previously unheard-of cult-company called Clonaid (Kool-Aid? Any connection?) shocked the world with the news that they had created human life in a lab beaker, why did the media jump on it like a Denny's Grand Slam at 3:00 am? I'm guessing comic value. I'll admit, even a skeptic like me almost fell for it. Then I saw the deranged-looking woman with peach-colored hair who serves as Clonaid's spokesperson. By the way, she's also the CEO. And they just happened to cook up a human clone in her kitchen. Oh, and for good measure, the company was founded on the premise that space aliens created life on Earth. Is anyone sensing a pattern here?
But alas, this wacky broad closed out 2002 with more TV time than Dick Clark, so she gets the prize. I'm going to talk to the honchos at Bullz-Eye about getting some extra trophies, in case she wants to ship a few to the Raelians (the aforementioned alien cult -- try to pay attention). Look for some stiff competition for this award in 2003, as I fully intend to build a nuclear weapon in my garage and immediately declare war on Canada. Look for me on CNN, and thanks for the inspiration, guys!
2002 Mitchie Award / Album of the Year: Seether,
Disclaimer
This one comes with a disclaimer, no pun intended: I am not a musical genius. I've never claimed to know a whole lot about music in general, let alone possess the kind of knowledge required to review it professionally. In fact, if you click on over to our CD reviews, you will find that my name is conspicuously absent.
However, I know enough to get by. I know that Creed sucks worse than any band has ever sucked before. And I know that the breakout album from this South African band rocks. The best way to describe Seether as a total package is "refined Nirvana." I'd like to think that if Courtney Love hadn't driven Kurt off the deep end, his songwriting and the band's music would have progressed to the point where we currently find Seether. It's old-school grunge that's been pounded into submission and made listenable through sheer talent.
If you don't already own this album, run out and pick it up. But be careful, as the band released this one with four different covers. One has a hot chick on it, and one has a scary-looking bald guy. Regardless of the wrapper, what's inside is all good!
2002 Mitchie Award / Bad, Bad Things: Midgets
For those of you who missed last year's awards presentation, this may as well be a lifetime achievement award. In 2002 alone, I was subjected to a shot-pouring, bar-dancing midget in Tampa, a documentary called "Dwarf: Standing Tall," and I received a video clip of a Spanish midget bullfighter getting gored by a bull. It just keeps getting worse, like a nightmare. They get the tiny little trophy again.
2002 Mitchie Award / Man of the Year: Pat Tillman
This one may be the only serious award given this year, and it didn't require much debate when you consider the cajones this guy possesses. Tillman, a standout defensive back for the Arizona Cardinals, walked away from a fat NFL contract to join his brother Kevin in training to become an Army Ranger. Paycheck? Eighteen grand a year. Sound unbelievable? Maybe not, when you consider Tillman's track record.
According to former teammate Frank Sanders, Tillman is "like Forrest Gump. He tries everything." You've never seen Tillman showing off his Escalade on Cribs. Know why? He always rode a bicycle to practice. He couldn't be seen at clubs sending two-ways to his boys, either. He never owned a cell phone. A marketing graduate from Arizona State, Tillman married his high school sweetheart. Then he joined the Army.
There's a chance nobody will ever know exactly why Tillman decided to fight terrorism instead of fighting receivers in the trenches of the NFL. He didn't do it as a publicity stunt, like fat-assed Buster Douglas joining the Marines. Tillman is a man of strong convictions, stronger than most of us will ever know. He used to entertain us every Sunday. Now, he protects our freedom every day. You tell me which is more important.
2002 Mitchie Award / Smoke: Lars Tetens Tesshu Tabac
As is customary, I like to dole out special awards for those vices that serve to make me happy while at the same time pissing off others -- thereby making me twice as happy. Go figure!
I'll admit that I've been eyeing these things for years. Lars Tetens cigars have always stood out in the shop because they're different. Not only is the packaging hip and artsy in an "industrial chronic" sort of way, but the cigar sizes, shapes and wrappers have always been intriguing. However, until recently, I never lit one up. At $12 a pop, I was afraid I might like them.
| ------------------------------------------------------ Tillman is a man of strong convictions, stronger than most of us will ever know. He used to entertain us every Sunday. Now, he protects our freedom every day. You tell me which is more important. ------------------------------------------------------ |
Guess what? I don't like them at all. I love them! This particular Tesshu Tabac blend is comparable to nothing else out there. According to their Website, the good folks at Lars Tetens Cigars have studied ancient Central American cultures and their lost tobacco arts. I don't care what they studied or what they're smoking when they roll their smokes, because these are arguably the best stogies I've ever had. I also find it intriguing that Lars Tetens himself is a bit of an odd guy who dabbles in art, skateboards and sunglasses. A renaissance man who makes a hell of a cigar. If it weren't for Pat Tillman, he might be Man of the Year!
2002 Mitchie Award / Frosty Beverage:
Arrogant Bastard Ale
Every now and then, it's nice to roll up on your favorite pub and drink something other than the local suds du jour. With a painted logo of Satan on the bottle, along with the tag line "You're not worthy," Arrogant Bastard Ale is a far cry from your usual Blue Ribbon pounders.
True to its packaging, this is a big-time beer for serious beer drinkers only. Lots of hops, lots of malt, lots of alcohol. It adds up to more flavor than you're probably used to in a beer, but I think it's a great example of what American beers can (and should) be if the big brew-houses would pull their heads out of the sand and pay attention to product instead of marketing.
But I digress. I'll just shut up and hand out the award, and leave you with this bit of wisdom from the good folks who churn out Arrogant Bastard: "You probably won't like our beer. And we probably won't like you. There, we're even."
2002 Mitchie Award / Two-Wheeled Wonder: GT iDrive Pro
Okay, the technology here isn't exactly new. It's been out for a while now. But I just got the privilege of test-flogging one of these babies recently, and Lord knows I don't believe in telling you about new gear until I've first stolen it for myself.
In a nutshell, the iDrive is the first full-suspension mountain bike I can live with. See, the problem with most full-suspension rigs is this: I have legs like a chicken. Pedaling does not come easily for me, and I can't afford to lose any energy through the flop-flop-flop of the chain that accompanies soft-tail bikes. With the iDrive, GT has found a way to center the main swingarm pivot around the bottom bracket center. Huh? It means that the effective chainstay length doesn't change as you ride. Huh? Okay, the bike pedals smoothly even when the ass end is bouncing all over the place. Is that better?
With an Easton frame, Rock Shox Sid R fork, and a nice mix of Shimano XTR and Deore components, the iDrive Pro will cost you slightly more than two grand, but all you engaged and married guys have spent more money on less useful items, haven't you?
2002 Mitchie Award / TV Show: "Monster Garage"
Calling Jesse James a little "out there" is an understatement. A direct descendant of the wild west outlaw who serves as his namesake, Jesse is the proprietor of West Coast Choppers. His nine-to-fiver is cranking out some of the most radical and nasty-looking custom motorcycles on the planet, including a super-sized purple and gold behemoth recently delivered to Shaq. After the Discovery Channel produced a pair of documentaries about Jesse and his bikes, they realized they had struck gold. To paraphrase a recent interview: "Jesse James doesn't care what you think. He might care if you think, but your opinion doesn't matter."
Realizing that putting Jesse James on camera was bound to be the most "real" reality show you could produce, the folks at Discovery Channel cooked up "Monster Garage." It's a simple concept: Jesse and a ragtag team of gear heads get a vehicle, $3,000 in cash, and seven days in which to turn said vehicle into something that it's not supposed to be.
Under the watchful blood-shot eye of Jesse James, a Porsche 944 becomes a golf ball picker-upper (which, of course, also fires the balls back at unsuspecting golfers using hydraulic cannons). A Ford Explorer becomes a robot-armed garbage truck because, according to Jesse, "It's just wrong." A Volkswagen Beetle is transformed into a floating airboat to race in an alligator-infested swamp. My personal favorite? The Nut Shaker, an F150 pickup adapted to remove walnuts from their happy homes by shaking the tree into submission then catching the detached nuts in an expandable "nut sack." I don't think "Survivor Somalia" has anything on "Monster Garage"!
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There you have it, everything you never wanted to know about the year we just buried. I'd like to conclude this year's presentation with a drunken profanity-laced speech by Guns 'N' Roses and an appearance by Bjork wearing a dead swan, but the guys from Guns are old and fat, and we just don't have the kind of budget required for strange Icelandic chicks in waterfowl. So instead, just appreciate the fact that I'm drunk, wearing a dead swan, and typing out my best wishes for a happy and prosperous new year to all of our great Bullz-Eye readers. I'll see you around the next corner!
Questions/comments? E-mail me at
mpost@bullz-eye.com!